back to article BOFH: Oh for Pete’s sake. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns The Boss is wandering around Mission Control asking thoughtful but pointless questions to give the impression that he really cares, whilst in reality he has some crazy idea percolating in his brain that he wants us to look favourably upon. “I think the whole building should go mobile — …

  1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

    If only.

    1. stiine Silver badge

      Re: Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

      Where are my Joo Janta peril-sensitive sunglasses and my Bose noise-cancelling headphones...

      1. acousticm

        Re: Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

        Boss-noise canceling headphones I think you mean ....

      2. HammerOn1024

        Re: Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

        Marvin took them... he's tired of having to face those tanks alone.

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Flame

          Re: Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

          without even a electronic sausage!

          Hell that makes me angry!

    2. Brian Miller

      Re: Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

      What you have to watch out for is that charlie-horse from the military years that just happens to grab, and yank your leg up straight at someone's crotch...

      No, it isn't spiffy like the threat detection technology, but you couple that with PTSD, and you're good to go.

    3. CuChulainn

      Re: Ah, Threat-Detecting Boots

      Many moons ago, while I was still in the rat race, my manager told me at one appraisal I needed to be less argumentative.

      Coincidentally, the placement student we had with us at the time had a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. It was the talk of the office/lab, and people were gushing over it.

      I read it, and some of the examples in there - it's mainly examples, after all - were toe-curlingly twee. But what I then did was apply it to the letter (and then some) in every dealing I had with anyone in the office for the next month or so. If I occasionally slipped up, I'd apologise and reverse what I just said.

      It drove them nuts. I agreed with everything and refused to get involved in any form of conflict or disagreement. People were saying "Please. Go back to normal".

  2. Fr. Ted Crilly

    huh

    Cribbing from hitchhikers now are we...

    'Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses' been there and done them.

    1. Ol'Peculier

      Re: huh

      I came here to say exactly the same thing but you beat me to it. Have a pan-galactic Gargle Blaster on me.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: huh

        Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses (*)

        * do not wear while driving

    2. SomeoneSomewhere

      Re: huh

      Dilbert, too. Wally's "idiot cancelling headphones": https://dilbert.com/strip/2005-04-03

    3. el_oscuro

      Re: huh

      Now if someone could invent a drive powered by stupidity. It would be an absolutely unlimited resource and make the Bistromathic Drive look like an electric perambulator. Of course, I'm not sure I would want to be on a ship powered by one for some reason.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: huh

        While stupidity might be good for moving bulk cargo, you actually want the hybrid fueled gossip/bad news drive.

        It travels faster than light

        1. Michael Habel Silver badge

          Re: huh

          Yeah I hear that shuch shipüs are rather unpopular, and unwelcome whereever the manage to turn up.

      2. Shalghar

        Re: huh

        Trying to generate energy based on the denseness of certain individuals is dangerous. Stupidual holes tend to self amplify until critical denseness is reached and surpassed.

        ( The actual prototype reactors are called "meetings", some are called "management discussions" or "motivational courses" and many more varieties exist.)

        Once the stupidational pull gets too high, the surroundings get sucked in.

        So whenever a "brainstorm","meeting" or any other kind of management density reactor is loosing its containment gradually or even bursts spontaneously, the surrounding individuals and companies get dragged down, much too often with dire results.

  3. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Boffin

    PPE

    Finally some PPE I actually want to have...

  4. Coastal cutie
    Thumb Up

    I soooo need this kit ready for when we get dragged back into the office. I don't need it at the moment because a "temporary connection problem" on Teams (aka hitting the Quit option when the idiocy in a meeting becomes too much to bear) is currently sorting such issues out.

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson
    Happy

    Stupidity Cancelling Headset

    I want that!!

    1. My-Handle Silver badge

      Re: Stupidity Cancelling Headset

      I tried one once. It worked brilliantly for most of the week, I could focus on the task in hand and got a record amount of work done.

      Right up until Friday afternoon. After a week of work and lack of sleep, my own brain entered the Stupid zone. The helmet got caught in an infinite loop, trying to protect my brain from it's own thoughts, before finally realising the stupidity of it's own actions and cancelling itself right out of existence.

      1. el_oscuro
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: Stupidity Cancelling Headset

        Thanks. Please see icon

    2. Ironclad

      Re: Stupidity Cancelling Headset

      Yep, that's the one I'd go for if this was Call My Bluff.

      Got to be worth a punt on a patent.

      1. RockBurner

        Re: Stupidity Cancelling Headset

        "Yep, that's the one I'd go for if this was Call My Bluff.

        Got to be worth a punt on a patent."

        Have they finally renamed Dragons Den then?

        1. FeRDNYC

          Re: Stupidity Cancelling Headset

          Sorta, they just keep spinning it off into new markets.

          I hear the Vatican is workshopping their own take, as sort of a fundraising experiment: 'Vestors Vestibule. Supposed to be very fancy. The ventures ride in on their Vespas, the pitching priests don the vestments, and this travesty of a joke is why I'll die a Vestal virgin.

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Idiot-Sensitive Glasses

    I want these! I want them now! And that treat detecting boot! Might come in handy too!

    1. Alistair

      Re: Idiot-Sensitive Glasses

      .... I have not one but the 3 treat detecting cats.

      1. chivo243 Silver badge
        Angel

        Re: Idiot-Sensitive Glasses

        oops, fat finger! I also have three of those buggers, one is used as an alarm clock!

      2. SuperGeek

        Re: Idiot-Sensitive Glasses

        ".... I have not one but the 3 treat detecting cats."

        Would they be Dreamies detector cats? My cat keeps breaking the catflap by cat-ramming his way through it before the solenoid opens it!

      3. Shalghar

        Re: Idiot-Sensitive Glasses

        Inhouse ferrets also do the trick. Nice and playful little buggers, as long as there are no violations to the prime directive: dont mess with my family.

        We had a nasty occurence when a guests cat thought it would be wise to scratch my son and one of the ferrets witnessed that. You haven´t seen lightspeed until you see a ferret going postal and suddenly switching from lying around straight to "ludicrous speed" AKA attack velocity.

        Took quite a bit of effort to help the cat survive.

        Still waiting for "bring your pet to work" day. And ferrets dont even require batteries....

        Would those idiot cancelling devices come pre loaded with a BOFH-compatible database or would they have to be programmed either by direct user specifications or by "learning" ? Especially the "learning" part would sadly delay the much needed relief.

    2. iwi

      Re: Idiot-Sensitive Glasses

      Me too. Worried I may end up like a vampire though. That would be depressing.

  7. DailyLlama

    Brilliant

    All this gear should be mandatory to wear when politicians are on TV.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Brilliant

      That would not end well for your TV..

      1. Wellyboot Silver badge

        Re: Brilliant

        Build it into the TV and twitter, farcebook...

        This could save the world!

        1. The First Dave

          Re: Brilliant

          There would be nothing left of faecesbook if you did; very little of Twatter, and not a hell of a lot of TV either

          1. eldel

            Re: Brilliant

            You say that as if it was a bad thing

    2. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Re: Brilliant

      All this gear should be mandatory to wear when politicians are on TV.

      Just equip the TV cameras with it, problem solved.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Brilliant

        All you'd be left with is the girl, the clown and the chalkboard.

        1. Montreal Sean
          Happy

          Re: Brilliant

          @TRT

          "All you'd be left with is the girl, the clown and the chalkboard."

          And that would be a problem, why?

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Re: Brilliant

            Good point.

        2. Diogenes8080

          Test card J

          For the benefit of readers outside the UK, this is a reference to the BBC test card transmission when a channel is not broadcasting:

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Test_Card_F#testcardj

          1. Martin an gof Silver badge

            Re: Test card J

            Bit of an institution and used in much popular culture, possibly most creepily in the series Life on Mars

            M.

      2. Morten_T

        Re: Brilliant

        They already have that, it's called a lens cover. Problem is people keep removing them

  8. Charlie Clark Silver badge
    Go

    Where can I buy the kit?

    I really need stupidity cancelling earphones and and the glasses!

    1. bpfh
      Devil

      Re: Where can I buy the kit?

      Same. Add in an enhanced cattle prod too please.

      1. Shalghar

        Re: Where can I buy the kit?

        Dont upgrade your electrical education devices too much. When my flyswatter ceased to function (one of those tennis racket types) i added a few more capacitors on the barbecue side, changed the energy source from normal AA to Li-Ion and the step up and flyback board has also seen some optimisations.

        Now any normal fly literally explodes with a satisfying electrical crack sound.

        If you do the same to a real cattleprod, dont forget your insulator suit and gloves.

        So what shall it be ? Comfortable clothing or reliable deterrent ?

        Decisions, decisions....

        Burning through annoying individuals with that kind of Bio-EDM could cause trouble with the authorities - or at least the janitor.

  9. Kubla Cant Silver badge

    Light reading

    If you're going to "heave" a book at someone, I can think of better choices than K&R. At 288 pages, it will scarcely make an impact.

    On first looking into K&R, I was equally impressed by its technical value and its monetary cost of about 10p per page. I see the cover price is now £49.49, more than 17p per page.

  10. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    on detect idiocy

    do

    initialize stinky air biscuit

    repeat air biscuit until idiocy = 0

    1. Coastal cutie

      But what about any non-idiot colleagues you have, they'll need a gas mask

      1. chivo243 Silver badge
        Pint

        But what about any non-idiot colleagues you have, sorry beg your pardon? Colleagues are workers outside of (y)our department? Right? No gas masks for them!

      2. Montreal Sean

        The non-idiot colleagues won't need gas masks because they are smart enough to vacate the area until the idiot is gone.

        1. Shalghar

          If they are real collegues, they will actively take part in the idiocy deterrent action.

          Somehow i am afraid this might need dietary inconveniences to always have the necessary amount of "ammo" ready to fire.

          Then again, BOFH stories often speak of onion bhajis, maybe theres a deeper meaning to this ?

      3. Shooter
        Happy

        Non-idiot colleagues

        My what?

        Never heard of those!

  11. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Great stuff!

    Love that sting in the tail - can't have the PFY getting uppety.

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Great stuff!

      I didn't see that one coming, it came as a bit of a shock...

      1. Quinch
        Devil

        Re: Great stuff!

        I think you might have just prod his point.

  12. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Having been

    denied my usual round of keyboard destruction by being dragged to a customer's site by the boss for the day("Be nice Boris, and say things like 'That idea could cause some production issues' instead of 'That idea is a load f'ing shite.. who came up with it? a deranged monkey with a box of f'ing crayons?' ")

    I could really really do with a set of those headphones.... and glasses however the boots (steel toed) I can provide for myself but have no one to use the cattle prod on as my PFY handed his notice in today :(

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Having been

      my PFY handed his notice in today :(

      Is that going to make your incipient alcoholism better or worse?

    2. 9Rune5 Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Having been

      my PFY handed his notice in today

      Ah, they grow up so fast. :(

  13. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Pirate

    hmm

    that KZERT at the end may be a sign... Time to dig the killbots out of the basement and get the BOFH a girlfriend.

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Re: hmm

      ... and get the BOFH a girlfriend.

      Please think that through carefully. Initially it might seem to work, but have you considered the consequences of a break up, especially if the break up results in an ex-wife (with all related costs)?

    2. skeptical i
      Thumb Up

      Re: hmm

      Bring back Gina, then? 'S been a while since we've heard from her.

  14. Aussie Doc Bronze badge
    Alert

    Wow

    Don't mind me, I'm just putting together my budget submission for next financial year.

    Must add a cattle prod, too.

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Wow

      I'll just take the old battery powered strobe-light power supply and the conductive 'Esc' key - along with a nice grounding mat to fit the entire desk surface.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Beam me up Scotty :)

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