BOFH: Despite the extremely hazardous staircase, our IT insurance agreement is at an all-time low. Can't think why

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "… and you have user education?" our visitor asks. "Indeed we do," the PFY responds. "Though I see you've had a reasonably high turnover of staff in recent years." "Yes – but that's mostly a byproduct of the user education," the PFY comments. "No, I mean that you have a high user …

[Ragarath]

Cyber Insurance - Sigh

Part of our insurance this year had to include "Cyber", part of the stipulation was that I download and app and had to have it and run it within 30 days.

I'm not running some random App on my system I said, but our legal guys were on my case. So I downloaded the app, ran it thinking it would do some sort of scan or check of our systems.

Nope, it is a tool for reporting a breach. A literal messaging app, period. I mean I could have let them know by The WhatchamacallitApp but nope the insurance policy dictates I need theirs. Guess what else it does? Yup try to sell me more insurance in the form of keeping me notified of security concerns. As if I don't do that already in better ways than an insurance company.

*sigh*

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Cyber Insurance - Sigh

I love the Azure Security Score - you pay extra for a dashboard where about 50% of the recommendations are "add this other Azure product to your bill".

Yeah, MS have totally changed.

[Loyal Commenter]

Re: Cyber Insurance - Sigh

Well, there's a whole load of stuff that they do "for free" that they used not to. For example, they don't fleece people for Enterprise SQL Server licenses in order to use the profiler any more.

Yet somehow, they still turn a profit. Where did you think that money was coming from? That's right, Azure, and since they've managed to make the admin and configuration of an Azure Subscription something that would make HP Lovecraft shudder, they can make some more money selling training on it too. And just like any good dealer, the introductory course is free...

[Pirate Dave]

Re: Cyber Insurance - Sigh

Yeah, somewhere down in the murkiest depths of the Azure App-Only Authentication setup docs is the incantation that opens the gates of Hell. I'm pretty sure I saw it there. Or perhaps it was one of the cross-links to the .NET authentication docs. All nasty, nasty stuff that made it hard to breathe afterwards.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Cyber Insurance - Sigh

I read The Register for that!

[Blackjack]

Re: Cyber Insurance - Sigh

Have you tried buying a cheap 80 bucks phone to run all that crapware in it? Then just leave it running without chip or WiFi on it and then if there are questions just blame it on having crappy Internet coverage. And if the phone is too cheap hardware wise and the app crashes well then is their fault not yours, you just did what you were told.

[Maverick]

excellent, Simon obviously knows how insurance companies work to avoid paying out

[KBeee]

Read somewhere about a place in the US that had to close because of Covid, and their insurer refused to pay out because it classed Covid-19 as "pollution" and the policy didn't cover pollution.

[chivo243]

Strong arm!

No negotiations, just do it my way or else! I love it... too bad that rarely works in the real world.

[bombastic bob]

Re: Strong arm!

you just need to use more cement

[stiine]

Re: Strong arm!

And rebar...

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

That's a nice insurance policy you have there

it would be such a shame if something happened to it

Simon can really make you an offer you should not refuse

[DJV]

Loved it!

Sometimes the ones with the implied threats are far funnier than the ones where it actually happens!

[Snafu1]

Re: Loved it!

Yer. Started with 'bury the hatchet' & progressed well from there :)

[Andytug]

Foundation users....proper lol

Very close to a coffee/keyboard interface situation :)

[Pascal Monett]

Good one !

A properly cheerful BOFH just hinting at the terrifyingly evil one lurking just out of sight. Loved it !

I think this whole series could become the foundation of a new style of Tales from the Crypt. It could be called Tales from the Server Room, but someone would need to find something more catchy.

Someone call Hollywood . . .

[bombastic bob]

Re: Good one !

a while back someone did an online mini-series of videos called "Salmon Days". it had its funny moments, especially when the BOFH wrestled with the paperclip because it was repeating "It looks like you're writing a letter", and there was a lady that sounded like a modem or a FAX, and 'Microshaft' customer support froze up in mid phone-answer with the floating paper overhead... but unfortuately a lot of it just wasn't that funny, and it disappeared into the ether.

[ricardian]

Re: Good one !

https://youtu.be/GE94BJg3U1Q

[Celeste Reinard]

Re: Good one !

How eery.... since my previous Md was of the same name - and not the most cheerful character, to say the least... Who had taken over the practice of my Md before him, after he had a run-in with something vehicular on rails. Neither a very cheerful person - the last time I saw him he had read a document I had uploaded chez scribd, titled 'Diary from God' - that appears to a bit of a crancky old fool, with his accomplice 'Stan' - yet another slightly destructive fellow. ... I wasn't that bad.

[steelpillow]

When I read that

"the cyber insurance game seems to be a massive rort — with caveats and clauses to shift blame back to the insured in the event of a claim."

I thought we would be told of the BP (BOFH+PFY) Cyber Insurance Co. Ltd.

Maybe next time...

[Swarthy]

Re: When I read that

No.. that's the wrong acronym.

It would be something like "Cyber Actuarial Safety and Habilitation"

[ChipsforBreakfast]

"they stopped bringing them in around the same time we started bringing hammers in"

I really MUST try that approach... theraputic & good for security!

[jtaylor]

I did things like that. Showed up for midnight maintenance carrying a laptop, a patch cable, and a large wrench. "What's that for?" "Oh, you know. Just in case." and that's all I would say.

I built enough of a reputation that I could be Friendly Network Admin while warning really difficult people that someone on my team was known for his motto "Plausible Deniability." If you phrase it right, a smile can be more of a deterrent than shouting.

Third shift NOC crew were the best. Half of you were mad as hatters.

[Will Godfrey]

Just once

... and only once (in mmmfty mmmf years) I had a really good response to an insurance claim.

Every other time it's been a rip-off.

[ShadowSystems]

YAY! BOFH & Dabbsy!

Best birthday prezzies ever! Pints all around!

*Sticks a pointy paper party hat on yer hed, a buzzy paper party noise maker between yer lipz, & throws a hand full of glittery confetti into the air*

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! =-D

*Runs away naked, painted neon plaid, & laughing at the screams of surprise*

[LogicGate]

Re: YAY! BOFH & Dabbsy!

Here... have some dried frog pills Mr. Bursar.

[KarMann]

Danger, danger, high… potential!

"Other times… we seem to be the only ones who can see a user's potential and the impact that they might make."

At first, upon seeing the word 'potential' in there, I was assuming it was referring to the user's electrical potential, but then, on seeing it in context with talk of their impact, I'm leaning more towards its meaning their gravitational potential energy. Could go either way, really.

What do you think?

Mine's the one that converts into an emergency parachute. -->

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Danger, danger, high… potential!

You're overthinking it: there's an implied elision so that it's purely the subjunctive: user's potential and the.

Bottles do break.

Mine's the one with Shirtlift Surgical Supplies on the back. RIP Rik & Nick.

[Terry 6]

Offsite backup and stuff

Huh. For years I tried to get off-site ( or indeed any other formalised secure) backup. The Top Brass said not until the IT service recommended it. The IT manager said not until the Top Brass requested it......

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Offsite backup and stuff

And neither ever will because beancounters...

[Charlie Clark]

Loved it

Veiled threats from the get go!

[stiine]

Re: Loved it

Veiled? Subtle, perhaps, but not veiled...

[Adrian 4]

Insurance insurance

I think there's a market for insurance against over-insuring.

If you don't make enough claims to make the premiums worthwhile, someone comes and breaks things until you do

[Version 1.0]

Re: Insurance insurance

I remember my economics class at Oxford way back in the 70's when the lecturer explained that the only difference between the insurance industries and the betting industries was that running an insurance business was more profitable because the risk of "losing" an insurance "bet" was non-existent. If you did lose money in an insurance contract (more than just one earthquake, hurricane etc) then you would recover your money from everyone who was unaffected by raising their premiums.

[Terry 6]

Re: Insurance insurance

Anyone remember lottery insurance for businesses worried about losing all their staff?

All sorts of places were dumb enough to buy it.

Cost significant.( If small enough to be afforded).

Probability if needing to payout - insignificant.

[Anonymous Coward]

Ah. The Stairs!

'Despite the extremely hazardous staircase'

Apparently, we had one of those. So hazardous, in fact, that even though no one had ever been injured using it in the last 60 years or so (at the time), it required a specific SOP detailing how to use it. And naturally, the 'correct' usage had to be different to common usage.

The building it was in was old and huge, and there were two extremely wide stair wells either side of the reception desk in the lobby, converging on a wider single well which branched both left and right on to each floor. There were four floors. The stairs were so wide all the way up that you could have driven a Land Rover with a trailer all the way to the top and not had to slow down on the corners that much.

But it was decided, during the Teamworking rollout of the early 90s, that it would suddenly become a capital offence if you didn't use the left side and hold the handrail whenever you were negotiating it. And you mustn't carry anything which required two hands to hold it whilst going up or down.

If you did have to carry something, you had to use the lift - the same lift that broke down at least a couple of times a week, and sometimes was out of service for weeks awaiting parts or an engineer. The same lift, indeed, that the harridan in the Exec Office (PA to the CE, so 'a secretary') who authored the SOP had spent the last six years complaining about people using to transport equipment - even to the point of signs being affixed to the effect.

I remember shortly after the SOP had been issued leaving the building for a fire drill, and she was hanging over the railing on the fourth floor screeching 'Remember the SOP! Remember the SOP!'

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Ah. The Stairs!

In an emergency, standard operating procedures do not apply.

[Down not across]

Re: Ah. The Stairs!

Sounds like the SOP wouldn't have been against using said Land Rover to cart things up/down if the lift was out of order (or even if it wasn't).

[Boris the Cockroach]

Another

keyboard bites the dust

Not mine... or the PFY's, but strangely my boss has unblocked the register at the firewall and taken a look at the articles within to see if he can find a clue as to why so many keyboards are broken on a friday.

According to the PA, when he read the BOFH , he stood up and shouted "Thats where that damned cockroach finds his ideas!" however his coffee was knocked over in the act of standing up and yupp you can guess where it landed.

Ruined the weekend ..... after all that time and trouble I spent sweet talking the PA so she would'nt notice the PFY dropping the laxative in the boss's coffee... hey ho always next week

[swm]

At Dartmouth, the insurance company insisted we put bullet-proof lexan over all of the windows into the main frame computer room. We neglected to tell the insurance company that the doors to the computer room were never locked (or even closed) and students wandered in all the time.

Once the business manager got a cardboard box about a cubic foot and labelled it "bomb" on all six faces. He snuck it into the computer room and placed it on the main computer console. The operator, an ex marine gunnery sergeant, discovered the box and swatted it off of the console and drop kicked it out of the room. An explosive that would fit into a cubic foot would never faze an ex marine gunnery sergeant.

[ricardian]

During my sojourn in the RAF the security officer on one RAF station left a box labelled "This could have been a bomb" in the engineering section. The engineering officer promptly wrapped the box up in brown paper, addressed it to the security officer and placed it in the internal post

[earl grey]

thanks

have a few of these