back to article Prez Biden narrowly escapes cicada assassination attempt, hunkers down in Cornwall

Following The Reg's recent exclusive coverage of the growing cicada threat to humanity, we can now reveal that US President Joe Biden narrowly missed being literally decapitated by a lone cicada assassin. Biden was yesterday seen fighting off his hexapod assailant as he attempted to board Air Force One, before flying across …

  1. Chris G

    Assassin Cicada

    I doubt if a cicada would get much sap out of Joe, I suspect it's mostly formaldehyde.

  2. EvilDrSmith Silver badge

    Just send for the Scooby Gang... they know how to deal with a Cicada Bug Monster

    (Mystery Inc, Season 1 episode 13, for those not getting the high class cultural reference)

  3. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker

    I have rarely been more proud of El Reg's unique reporting

    If I could afford it, beers all around Vulture Central! Friday comes early!

  4. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    What the Secret Service needs

    Is cicada-killer wasps:

    And actually birds eat quite a few--they just may be sated at this point.

    1. ThatOne Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Re: What the Secret Service needs

      > cicada-killer wasps

      I'm not sure, but I think I prefer cicadas to wasps...

      (The thing in the icon is a cicada)

    2. W.S.Gosset

      Re: What the Secret Service needs

      > sated

      Definitely wouldn't be staeding up or flaying round, with that many cicadas in thayuh bayley.

  5. A. Coatsworth Silver badge

    When will scientist learn?

    Nothing good can come from calling your discovery or phenomenon "X"

    Planet X, Parasite X, Monster X... the list goes on. An scientists though calling this "Brood X" was a good idea?

    Had they called it "Fluffy Swarm of Love", nothing of this would had happened

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: When will scientist learn?

      "Nothing good can come from calling your discovery or phenomenon "X""

      Blossum, Buttercup, and Bubbles beg to differ....

    3. W.S.Gosset

      Re: When will scientist learn?

      _Nothing_ good?

      What about Sossidgebacontomatoesbeansan?

  6. yetanotheraoc Silver badge

    In the not too distant future

    Joke now, but one day drone insects will be able to pull off an assassination. All it would take is one big chomp on the carotid artery. Some swarm of natural insects would provide perfect cover. No doubt the Secret Service has already discussed it.

  7. Anonymous Coward

    Zombie Cicada Fungus

    Boffins have discovered a fungus whose spores turn them into, according to the normally staid Scientific American, "horror movie sex-bots".

    I want some and I want it now.

  8. T. F. M. Reader Silver badge

    Just long overgue IT training for the top layers of

    Now they know bugs can ground planes and have security implications...

  9. PhilipN Silver badge

    RAF Mildenhall

    Don’t be fooled by the name. It is a huge chunk of East Anglia which will forever be Oklahoma, stacked to the gills with US military materiel.

  10. Roger Kynaston Silver badge

    I for one

    Welcome our new cicadian overlords.

    -> because we are going to need to anaethsatise ourselves.

  11. Snake Silver badge


    It is nice to see everyone, especially the 'all-powerful', take these insect-caused inconveniences in stride and with a sense of humor. I am not sure how Das Cheeto would have reacted, but I would believe it would be with quite a bit less joviality.

  12. Stevie


    1985, Westbury, NY.

    My Dad: What the hell is that noise? It sounds like sprinklers, but it's deafening!

    Me: You mean the cicadas?

    My Dad: WHAT?

    Me: WHAT?

    You think these things are a joke. All summer kept awake by them, followed by an autumn of having millions of disgusting thumb-sized carcasses on every vertical and horizontal surface. Thank Azathoth they only come out every 17 years. Haven't heard them that bad much since then, but then again, I moved.

  13. cd

    Their leader is named John. John Cicada sometimes changes the spelling of his name to remain incognito.

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