Have I got this about right? (Improvements welcome)
Slighty serious (but meant in fun)
US VERSION?
How many times do people rely on what they see on screen? (Computers don't lie, people do!)
GIGO at is worst. (It's in the database so that's the truth)
Don't bother with due diligence, don't waste the budget, someone else will do that! (Just collect the brownie points and job satisfaction)
Don't worry if we do an half-arsed job (It's not your fault you weren't trained)
The operative is fully trained and knows their job (so what if you don't have time to do it properly just do want you can)
The company is ultimately responsible if you do your job. (Our staff are well trained and do their job to the best of their ability)
The company got it wrong? (Impossible. Our staff are well trained and do their job to the best of their ability)
The company is being sued for getting it wrong... (No problem we have immunity lobbying money well spent)
Oh the company is being sued actively ignoring immunity conditions... (Lobbying budget needs reviewing upwards, oh and don't forget, clip a few bucks to the NDA on your way out)
No problem here. (Sssh!)
UK VERSION
How many times do people rely on what they see on screen? (Computers don't lie, people do!)
GIGO at is worst. (It's in the database so that's the truth)
Don't bother with due diligence, don't waste the budget, someone else will do that! (Just collect the brownie points and job satisfaction)
Don't worry if we do an half-arsed job (It's not your fault you weren't trained)
The operative is fully trained and knows their job (so what if you don't have time to do it properly just do want you can)
The company is ultimately responsible if you do your job. (Our staff are well trained and do their job to the best of their ability)
The company got it wrong? (Impossible. Our staff are well trained by highly trained and knowledgeable consultants)
The company is being sued for getting it wrong... (We have consultants who have made sure this can't happen)
Oh the company is being sued, no problem (And... oh? Where's the template BS response letter?)
Court papers have arrived (Get the lawyers to tell the to F*** Off, oh don't forget to tell them how big we are)
Court date set (counter sue, spread the BS, threaten to take their children, tell GCHQ they spies, I don't care just F*** em off)
Court judgement (offer to pay slightly less now, with a NDA)
No problem here (just ask a Tory or BoJo)
(Shareholders) but we got caught for being a dick.. (And that's what insurance is for, and if it raises the premiums, we'll pass it on to our customers)
But, the customers may leave (have you read our T&C's?)
Now, send someone to US on a jolly to find out how we buy politicians and law enforcement.
(Press) what about that problem you just got sued for? (Sorry my Maserati was revving too loud)
Don't worry about it my salary is safe and I'm due a peerage just ask BoJo