back to article File this next to Mars bars under 'things that should not be deep-fried': Marks & Spencer's Colin the Caterpillar

Scotland is brimming with valuable cultural exports. Among them, whacking wee baws doon a field, offal stuffed in offal, men's skirts, and deep-frying things that have no business being deep-fried. On the latter point, one enterprising food delivery outfit with its finger on the pulse of very important current affairs asked a …

  1. Ochib

    The scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could

    they didn't stop to think if they should.

    1. Hubert Cumberdale Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: The scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could

      Now I am become death, the destroyer of arteries.

  2. TRT Silver badge

    And from the crispy chrysalis emerged...

    a beautiful batterfry.

    1. Olafthemighty
      Pint

      Re: Batterfly

      If I could have given you 8 upvotes for that, I would. Bravo.

    2. Mpeler
      Pint

      Re: And from the crispy chrysalis emerged...

      DO,

      Or DO NUT.

      There is no FRY...

      May The Fourth Be With You

      (and the Firth, Fivetwoitously)...

    3. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: And from the crispy chrysalis emerged...

      I was in a Tesco today and they wanted IIRC 3.90 for a scotch egg fromt he deli counter. That would have to hatch into a golden goose to be worth it.

    4. Hubert Cumberdale Silver badge

      Re: And from the crispy chrysalis emerged...

      +1,000,000. You win all the internets!

  3. Caver_Dave

    Corby

    I've never seen the strange creations in Scotland, but its Northamptonshire offshoot, Corby, that has Chippies which are very happy to fry anything. Deep fried and battered Pizza anyone?

    Corby has other claims to fame:

    * The huge Stewarts and Lloyds Steel Works imported most of the original workforce from Scotland

    * Biggest Highland Games, outside of Scotland

    * Highest number of black cabs, outside of London

    * Strangest frying habits, probably

    * Persistently reappearing at the top of the "deaths by Covid" charts in the UK

    * Highest death rate from preventable disease in the UK

    I could go on, but it's probably a little unfair as I know quite a few nice people from there.

    1. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: Corby

      The proper way is to deep dry the dough, then add the melted cheese; hot tomato sauce and whatever else to the deep fried dough.

      1. gerdesj Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Corby

        "The proper way is to deep dry the dough, then add the melted cheese; hot tomato sauce and whatever else to the deep fried dough."

        ... then deep fry the result. Then slap a pasty on top and fry the lot. Proper job.

        That's your heart that is ------->

      2. Coastal cutie

        Re: Corby

        Apparently the original Neapolitan pizza does that - the dough is fried and then topped with tomato sauce, basil and mozzarella

    2. BackToTheFuture

      Re: Corby

      * Persistently reappearing at the top of the "deaths by Covid" charts in the UK

      Deep-fried face-masks?

    3. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Re: Corby

      As a frequent rail user, I always assumed "Corby" was short for "Kettering for Corby".

  4. Roger Kynaston Silver badge
    Pint

    I actually tried a deep fried Mars bar

    Appropriately enough at the other end of the (dis)United Kingdom. Plymouth to be precise. The chippie in question was on the Barbican and we were in Sutton Harbour and didn't fancy cooking so ordered Cadiz style fish with Belgian style potatoes when we saw that they also offered deep fried confectionery. The lady in the shop had never had an order for one so was quite amused to try it. Needless to say it was disgusting and we did a naughty and fed the seagulls.

    Because you need one to wash the taste away -->

    1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: I actually tried a deep fried Mars bar

      I was going to say something bad about encouraging the rats on wings but perhaps you were just doing a Tom Lehrer.

  5. katrinab Silver badge
    Coat

    I too have never seen a deep-fried mars bar, though I am reliably informed that if you go to the Royal Mile tourist traps in Edinburgh, you will find them there, alongside lots of other "Scottish" tat that normal Scottish people don't buy.

    1. Teiwaz

      "Scottish" tat that normal Scottish people don't buy.

      Oooh!

      Do they have 'little drummer girl in a plastic tube?

  6. Ol'Peculier

    Hate to say it but they are a bit late to the fryer, there was a chippy with branches on the Yorkshire Coast that did it a week or so ago.

    I also noticed a mention of Mars Bars on the menu here as well. Next time I go to that plaice I'll ask how many they've sole-d...

  7. Ben Tasker Silver badge

    Deep Fried *

    I've had more than a few deep fried mars-bars, there's a chippy near the old office that serves them.

    Much further back in life, though, I worked in an off-license next to a chippy. The woman who ran it came in one-day asking for ideas of things to deep-fry and wanting my to be the guinea pig, so I've had

    - Deep fried pizza (one of those little personal ones that tesco/coop etc do)

    - Deep fried creme egg (delicious, but the centre is molten fire)

    - Deep fried maltesers (don't really work)

    - Deep fried curly-wurly (gooey)

    - Deep fried icecream (meh)

    The chippy near my school used to deep fry various other things to, Mars, snickers, bounties and a "jam fritter" (deep fried jam sandwich with golden syrup drizzeled).

    I fear those years of questionable snacks will catch up with me soon though

    1. Peter Mount

      Re: Deep Fried *

      Down south in the 80's we had Deep fried Shepherd Pies...

      Consisted of a core of Lamb mince & veg wrapped in a mash potato shell then covered in batter & deep fried.

      Don't know if it was just a Kent thing but they were lovely

    2. Manolo
      Pint

      Re: Deep Fried *

      We once deep fried a sock in the kitchen of the student union.

      The reason is lost in time. Probably because we could.

      1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge

        Re: Deep Fried *

        Sounds like the opening salvo on a night of student rugby club initiations. But it would only be a true initiation if you then ate said delicacy.

    3. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

      Re: Deep Fried *

      Ohhh, deep fried ice-cream. I had it in a restaurant in Sydney once, I almost wept with joy. Maybe your old boss should have changed the oil first.

    4. Handy Andy
      Thumb Up

      Re: Deep Fried *

      Jam fritter sounds excellent, will try it next time I clean the oil to do mars bars, which by the way for those that haven't tried them, are very very nice.

    5. Precordial thump

      Re: Deep Fried *

      For just a moment there I thought you were about to tell us what deep-fried guinea pig tastes like.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Deep Fried *

        "[...] deep-fried guinea pig tastes like.

        A friend travelled in South America for a while. He came back with a taste for cooked guinea pig. Not sure what method of cooking was considered optimum.

  8. Caver_Dave
    Flame

    Love

    Pineapple fritter is a personal favourite, but I limit to about 1 every 6 weeks.

    But whoever thought that was a good idea to start with?

    I agree with the deep fried Creme Egg and the molten core. Don't try microwaving one!

    Icon for the Creme Egg core

  9. knarf

    Pizza Crunch... anyone

    Have these in Glasgow not sure where else.

    1. Take one really cheap pizza... no 1970s cheap pizza.

    2. Dip in batter

    3. Deep fry

    4. Consume while wiping the grease from your face.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Pizza Crunch... anyone

      The chippie in 1970s Dalkeith just dropped a frozen mini-pizza in the fat fryer. The customer had to wring the excess fat out - like a dishcloth.

  10. spuddl3z1z

    Ah Emanuels

    Im a rather happy scot today. My favourite news site has mentioned my very favourite chippy from my home town. Memories of a mis-spent youth, and I do live round the corner (when I am home). The pizza crunch is excellent as is the battered sausage; one cut in half on a buttered roll please with broon sauce thank you very much!

    Thanks el reg!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Ah Emanuels

      Battered sausages really are the food of the Gods.

      Admittedly, the Gods in question are probably angry and vengeful ones...

  11. EatsRootsAndLeaves
    Pint

    Scottish culture taking over the world

    Well, if you're in Beaverton, Oregon (just outside of Portland) and you have a hunger for fish and chips and a deep fried Mars bar and Irn-Bru... you're in luck!

    https://www.oregonlive.com/dining/2018/09/some_of_portlands_best_fish_an.html

    "The Frying Scotsman, a Portland fish and chip cart from Scotland native James King, will pack up its fryers and move to Beaverton after nearly a decade downtown.

    Alongside thick-cut fries and golden cod or haddock -- considered by some to be Portland's best fish and chips -- King offers Scottish staples such as deep-fried Mars bars and the bright orange soda Irn Bru (Scotland's other national drink)."

    Then again, Scotland has nothing on American State Fairs when it comes to deep-frying... anything. Bubblegum, beer, butter... just a sample of the, um, goodness on offer.

    https://www.delish.com/food/news/a38681/fried-bubble-gum-and-other-big-tex-choice-awards-finalists/

    Yes, fried beer... fried Pepsi... fried cheesecake...

    [Beer to wash it all down because there isn't an icon of arteries seizing up.]

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Scottish culture taking over the world

      Also found in this part of the world. They used to be (may still be) on the menu at my local chippy - Christchurch NZ.

  12. fpx
    Pint

    Think of the Tourist

    I remember a trip to the french countryside, and one of my party ordered "pied de porc" from a Very French restaurant under the assumption that it must be a regional delicacy. It turned out exactly what you asked for, a pig's foot, all bone with very few edible and fewer digestible parts. We asked the waiter about it in our best broken french, and his response was, "only tourists order that!"

    So leave your deep-fried chocolate bars on the menu, it's what the tourists think is essentially scottish!

  13. Kane Silver badge
    Joke

    This is the equivalent of the Sheep's Eyeball, isn't it...

    'My food is your food...' Jabbar went on. 'Vimes stared down at the dish by the fire. It looked like a sheep or a goat had been the main course. And the man bent down, picked up a morsel and handed it to him. Sam Vimes looked at the mouthful. And it looked back. 'The best part,' said Jabbar, and made appreciative suckling noises. He added something in Klatchian. There was some muffled laughter from the other men around the fire. 'This looks like a sheep's eyeball,' said Vimes, doubtfully. 'Yes, sir,' said Carrot. 'But it is unwise to–'

    'You know what?' Vimes went on. 'I think this is a little game called “Let's see what offendi will swallow”. And I'm not swallowing this, my friend.' Jabbar gave him an appraising look. The sniggering stopped. 'Then it is true that you can see further than most,' he said. 'So can this food,' said Vimes. 'My father told me never to eat anything that can wink back.' There was one of those little hanging-by-a-thread moments, which might suddenly rock one way or the other into a gale of laughter or sudden death. Then Jabbar slapped Vimes on the back. The eyeball shot off his palm and into the shadows, 'Well done! Extremely good! First time it have not worked in twenty year! Now sit down and have proper rice and sheep just like mother!'

    - Jingo, Terry Pratchett

    Sir Pterry icon, El Reg?

  14. Lindsay T

    There's more than one Scotland

    The reason your Aberdeenshire correspondent was unaware of deep fried Mars bars is that the heathens that eat it are all west of Stirling. We righteous east coast chaps have a sophisticated cuisine such as onion bridies and mutton pies (pehs in my home town). None of us from anywhere ever go to Edinburgh so who knows what they consume there; probably babies and pet kittens.

    1. John 110
      Windows

      Re: There's more than one Scotland

      @lindsay t

      Shairly ye need twa bridies, a plen ane an an ingin ane ana

      Oh an they eat some weird stuff north of Aberdeen as well...

      -->seen in the Howff on a setirday

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I think it was Denmark that added fried Camembert to menus. Another heart-attack combination.

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