back to article ‘Can COVID-19 vaccines connect me to the internet?’

Australia’s Department of Health has included the question “Can COVID-19 vaccines connect me to the internet?” on its vaccine advice page. The answer to the question is a firm: “No.” “Some of the mRNA vaccines being developed include the use of a material called a hydrogel, which might help disperse the vaccine slowly into …

  1. Claverhouse Silver badge
    Stop

    Future Hell

    To be fair I have on the past read futurologists suggesting that one day people will be cyborgs always online and able to have information instantly reaching the mind. Though presumably from preferred sites and not all at once.

    Also injections of nanobots, which is presumably the initial impetus of this question.

    .

    Then again, futurologists, from the Tofflers on, always struck me as idiots.

    1. sbt
      Terminator

      Re: cyborgs always online and able to have information instantly reaching the mind

      Sounds like a person glued to their smartphone. Are we there yet?

    2. You aint sin me, roit
      Trollface

      Re: Future Hell

      Don't dismiss it. I watched a documentary about a cyborg sent back in time to do some serious paradoxing... it was connected to something called Skynet.

      Hope it got a better broadband connection than I do from Sky.

  2. IGotOut Silver badge

    The logic of the conspiracy nuts baffles me.

    They search the depths of Facebook to get their information, stopping only charge their phone every day, complaining about their slow broadband and lack of connectivity. Yet somehow a microscopic chip (apparently from a Guitar pedal) can talk to a satellite in space 24/7/365.

    1. Little Mouse Silver badge

      Re: The logic of the conspiracy nuts baffles me.

      Logic? But it's secret technology. That's enough logic to hand-wave every argument away.

      Shhhhh!

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: The logic of the conspiracy nuts baffles me.

      "complaining about their slow broadband and lack of connectivity"

      And insisting that the next generation of mobile technology interferes with their brain (true but not in the way they mean) or gives you the disease de jour.

    3. Kane Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: The logic of the conspiracy nuts baffles me.

      "They search the depths of Facebook to get their information, stopping only charge their phone every day, complaining about their slow broadband and lack of connectivity."

      Then burn down all the 4G masts thinking they are 5G masts, whilst posting on facebook via 4G masts about the burning down of the 5G masts that are actually the 4G masts that are needed to post on facebook, and also call the local ambulance service for when they fail to burn down the 4G masts but end up burning themselves.

      1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: The logic of the conspiracy nuts baffles me.

        ...and then complain they can't get a signal, amirite?

    4. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: The logic of the conspiracy nuts baffles me.

      I, for one, am interested in a guitar effects pedal that can be shrunk down to something of the order of a micron and and make my inept pluckings sound like Joan Jett or Kim Deal.

    5. This post has been deleted by its author

  3. Mike 137 Silver badge

    Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

    Being patronising about uninformed people is an easy trap for the informed to fall into, but a culture in which "digital" is attached to almost everything from sex toys to government policy leads to widespread labelling of unfocused fear of the unknown in "digital" terms. This can look like conspiracy theory but isn't. It's not a new phenomenon in the face of new technologies. In the early days of the railways (with open carriages) many people feared that they would suffocate if they travelled facing the engine at more than a few MPH, and that's only one example that comes immediately to mind.

    The big problem we face is that, despite almost universal adoption of the technologies, "digital literacy" for the populace at large has been societally limited to the ability to use tools created by supposedly much smarter folk, rather than an understanding of the tools. Sadly, keeping users ignorant has been proved to be vastly more profitable (as well as much less effort) than informing them - partly because informed users would reject a lot of the overpriced pointless "digital" crap they're currently thrown.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

      This is all very well except people are prepared to believe the most far-fetched ideas rather than the simple ones. Schools have been doing a terrible job of teaching critical thinking for generations.

      1. sbt
        Alien

        A little from column A and a little from column B

        People have always been prepared to believe the most far-fetched ideas. What constitutes "far-fetched" just changes over time as the sum of human knowledge expands, but there will always be a frontier. Proper critical thinking skills should be resistant to the idea/conspiracy de jour.

      2. Chris G

        Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

        Far from doing a terrible job of teaching critical thinking, I don't think they teach it at all.

        As for conspiracy aficionados,there is a market opportunity for someone.

        I see a space for a regular online magazine with updates and articles on the current status of the various conspiracies du hour and carrying ads for high quality tin foils, Faraday hats and suits and apps for detecting the broadcasts from your latest vaccine.

        1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

          Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

          I see a space for a regular online magazine with updates and articles on the current status of the various conspiracies du hour and carrying ads for high quality tin foils,

          But given the number of out there conspiracies out there, it'd end up being a magazine the size of 12 month's worth of PCW. Back in the day, there used to be usenet groups semi-dedicated to this, like cam.misc. But that was also partly due to keeping track/score of conspiracies that originated there. Trolling's taken a new meaning since then, sadly.

          But 'best' conspiracy theory for vacines is seizing on the fact that the mRNA ones use nanoparticles. Which can then be controlled/directed by 5G signals (naturally). A couple even managed to combine swarm research to suggest that this can be used to get the nanites doing more nefarious things*.

          Boring little details like the nanoparticles being polymers get glossed over. But that does give me the idea that you could probably convince people that this means massive (ish) amounts of microplastics. But that's too easy, and probably not a good idea to give anti-vaxxers any more ideas.

          *I started writing a novel based on nano-zombies, because classical zombies just don't work. Which amused me for a while, but there's already waaaay too many zombie books on the market.

          1. Chris G

            Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

            Nano-zombies?

            I would read the book, if only to find out how you cut their teeny tiny heads off.

            1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

              Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

              I would read the book, if only to find out how you cut their teeny tiny heads off.

              That's the part I was struggling with. So problem with traditional 'undead' is once you're effectively dead, like 'Hey, this blood's coagulated, but they're still moving', then all those fascinating chemical processes grind to a halt, and no amount of viral-woo can compensate. 28 Days Later did it better with their virus just changing behaviour.

              So I went the evil corporation route utilsing nanotech to do tissue and cellular repair, and make soldiers chances of battlefield survival higher. Then a few updates later, and it's enhanced to make improvements for enhanced soldiers. What could possibly go wrong? So it becomes fully self-driving and goes downhill from there. ATP's still a handy energy source, but why waste it on meatware support when you can form your own distributed neural net.. So good luck with those head shots, they won't work. The traditional brain location has always been a bit of a design flaw :p

              But monkey play Pong! In my version, Pong just plays monkey..

        2. ICL1900-G3 Bronze badge

          Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

          Sorry, had to downvote for 'du hour'. Jesus wept!

          1. gerdesj Silver badge
            Paris Hilton

            Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

            "Sorry, had to downvote for 'du hour'. Jesus wept!"

            J and H are next to each other on a keyboard. A simple slip explains 'du hour' instead of du jour. Mind you it did make my teeth itch at first sight.

      3. John H Woods

        Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

        "Schools have been doing a terrible job of teaching critical thinking for generations."

        In the UK at least, state (i.e. normal) schools teach a curriculum set by politicians. A moment's critical thinking will tell you that such a curriculum is unlikely to cover critical thinking.

      4. cshore

        Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

        But they believe that they who are doing the "critical thinking" and that everyone else is just blindly believing what they are told...

    2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Alien

      Re: Not necessarily conspiracy nuts

      "uninformed people"

      No, they're very well informed...by Facebook and Twitter. It's not the lack of information that's the problem here, it's the *quality* of information, the lack of critical thinking skills, and the ability (and desire) to separate verifiable fact from bovine excrement.

      Look: if Microsoft couldn't eliminate the BSOD, what makes you think Bill Gates could implant a working tracking chip in every human and have it work first time off? Never mind that you're already being very efficiently tracked by your iPhone (as the 6 Jan Capitol "Patriots" found out, to their dismay).

      "Logic don't enter into it", I'm afraid. It's much easier to think that an international cabal is keeping you down, than to say, in the vernacular, "sh*t happens", and get on with your life the best you can.

  4. AndrewB57

    There IS a piece of work underway, supported by the Gates Foundation, to support vaccine tracking through the use of 'quantum dot technology' within the vaccine does.

    This research is being undertaken by one of the foremost institutions in the States, MIT, and has the potential to be highly valuable in low-income, low tech settings.

    It is worth being aware of when discussing with anti-vaxxers so that they do not surprise you with "evidence"

    https://news.mit.edu/2019/storing-vaccine-history-skin-1218

    1. AndrewB57
      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Well done. You dodged the comment about Bill Gates having plenty of bucks.

        Or maybe you didn't.

        1. Magani
          Happy

          D'oh, a deer, a female deer...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Other applications

      This technology is basically tattooing with a dye that's visible in IR. I can see this being adopted with normal ink to create cheap apply at home tattoos that look like the ones of celebrities.

      Time to buy shares in tattoo removal clinics.

      1. Korev Silver badge

        Re: Other applications

        >Time to buy shares in tattoo removal clinics.

        Seeing how bad many of the tattoos[0] are around here, removal will be quite lucrative in a few years time

        [0] Where bad = some crap artwork but more poor choices of what to get tattooed on them

        1. sbt
          Trollface

          Re: removal will be quite lucrative in a few years time

          You're behind the times (or perhaps above the behind; are you a tramp stamp?). Not sure where "around there" is, but around here, it's been quite lucrative for a good few years already.

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

            Re: removal will be quite lucrative in a few years time

            Having just returned to my office - I was again reminded of the joys of our wonderful location...

            2 doors down is a shop selling scented candles, joss sticks and "herbal highs". T'other side of that is a tattoo place. Exactly opposite it is a tattoo removal place. Presumably there to get rid of what you put on after taking whatever you got from next door...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shhh. Don't tell anyone, but apparently Bill Gates tried to put a chip in the vaccine to track everybody, but it only supports IPV4 and they can't get enough addresses.

  6. Fursty Ferret

    Is there an API?

    I'm a runner and slightly disappointed that my Covid-19 vaccine doesn't appear to include automatic uploading of my activities to Strava.

    1. Cuddles Silver badge

      Re: Is there an API?

      There was an API, but it turned out to be copyright.

  7. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    The answer's "no" but the good news is that it doesn't lower your IQ any further.

  8. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Oh, Irony...

    Thanks to technology obscurantism is spreading.

  9. Howard Sway Silver badge

    The answer to the question is a firm: “No.”

    Well I had the vaccine 10 days ago, and I'm connected to the internet right now, so explain that.

  10. Arthur the cat Silver badge

    Maybe it should be the other way round

    Start a conspiracy theory that you catch Covid-19 by being connected to the internet and with luck a lot of the fruit loop aligned(*) might disconnect.

    (*) PC for "nutters".

  11. Zebo-the-Fat

    You can't fix stupid!

    1. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
      Happy

      This cattle prod, gunny sack, and bag of quicklime would beg to disagree.

      1. You aint sin me, roit
        Windows

        Village idiot syndrome...

        Might have worked pre-internet, when village idiots were effectively isolated but that all changed with the internet.

        I believe they use Facebook to find each other these days.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Devil

          Re: Village idiot syndrome...

          True. But then we can also use Facebook to find them. So we simply need bigger sacks...

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