back to article Easily distracted by too many apps, too many meetings, and too much asparagus

No, not wabbit. Not even chocolate eggs. I'm hunting wild asparagus. This is about as inventive as it comes for an April Fool's hoax in lockdown Europe. A local newspaper yesterday morning ran an article offering tips (ho ho) for those who fancy foraging for their spring asparagus in the wild – or at least within the …

  1. Warm Braw Silver badge

    What's the point of setting up a date with someone you're not allowed to meet

    For someone who admits to building a large stash of grainy screengrabs of household interiors, I'd say you were potentially overlooking an opportunity.

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: What's the point of setting up a date with someone you're not allowed to meet

      And missing out the book titles such as "How to snope on people" and "stalking for beginners"

      along with zooming in that bit further and realising that theres a collection of sex toys on the bottom shelf.

      Of course, what your clients have in their offices is entirely their affair and its not for you to judge

      1. HildyJ Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: What's the point of setting up a date with someone you're not allowed to meet

        "not for you to judge"?

        What? ElReg comments exist to judge. There is nothing we can't or don't judge. To wit: your judgemental comment on Dabbs' use of his time during banal video meetings.

        Judico ergo sum

    2. TomPhan

      Re: What's the point of setting up a date with someone you're not allowed to meet

      You take the screengrab when they've stepped away and then use it as your own background.

    3. ThatOne Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: What's the point of setting up a date with someone you're not allowed to meet

      > What's the point of setting up a date with someone you're not allowed to meet

      Lots of points, from the devious to the obvious:

      1. Nobody will ever know you're actually not a barely legal busty hottie with surprisingly male fantasies.

      2. You have a solid, credible and polite excuse to not meet some person...

      3. Definitely cheaper than dating.

      4. Perfect for the terminally timid, those who wouldn't survive the stress of a first date with a stranger. It allows them to keep a safe distance until after the marriage.

      (Just those which come to mind while drinking my morning coffee)

  2. cookieMonster
    Pint

    wild asparagus

    It’s a real thing here in the south of France, I’m lucky as it grows in my garden.

    Beer icon as there’s no wine icon, and I always have a glass or + with them.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: wild asparagus

      Here in Spain too, since the latter half of February there have been otherwise relatively normal people with carrier bags rummaging around the hedgerows and field margins picking asparagus.

      You have to get your eye in to spot the edible shoots and wear leather work gloves because the mature plant is very spiky.

      Nice to see and hear Ian Dury, he was one of the best singer/songwriter/poets ever in my opinion, and a good musician to boot.

      1. Spasticus Autisticus

        Agreed - see name.

        I also enjoy Gil Scott-Heron as a singer/songwriter/poet

      2. xyz

        Re: wild asparagus

        >>You have to get your eye in to spot the edible shoots and wear leather work gloves because the mature plant is very spiky.

        Ahh... I picked a pile yesterday and had it for dinner... Been dog ill all day, but at least I now know there are edible and not edible shoots. Thank god I'm better at picking mushrooms.

    2. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      Re: wild asparagus

      I understand it tends to grow near the base of trees - where dogs and Frenchmen enjoy pissing the most.

      1. brotherelf

        Re: wild asparagus

        Ah, the "self-contained remote control slash". (I was very confused when that sentence didn't go where I thought it would.)

      2. Keven E

        Quality -vs- quantity

        Corona is a prime example of the saying "You never really have a beer, you're just borrowing it"...but it seems that it's the same thing with asparagus and the effects on urine.

      3. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: wild asparagus

        "near the base of trees"

        It grows every bloody where in my garden and it is a sod to get rid of, in Spain dogs and men regard the world as their toilet, particularly the weekend lycranthropist cyclistas who irrigate my gateway on a Sunday morning.

        1. Zarno
          Megaphone

          Re: wild asparagus

          Electric fence might help there.

          Or one of those motion activated water spraying deer deterrent thingies...

          Or a good old klaxon with a remote control.

          Icon because it's the closest thing to a Federal Signal Thunderbolt 1003 to pick from.

        2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

          Re: in Spain dogs and men regard the world as their toilet

          You don't live on the plain, where the rain washes it away?

          1. Chris G Silver badge

            Re: in Spain dogs and men regard the world as their toilet

            No, I live in the mountainous boonies of Valencia.

            The main plain in Spain is Andalusia, when it does rain there it tends to be a year's worth in one go, the rainiest bit is Galicia sort of Wales with chorizo.

            1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

              Re: the rainiest bit is Galicia

              Galoshes from Galicia deserves to be as well-known a phrase as "the rain in Spain..." then.

      4. Zarno

        Re: wild asparagus

        I wonder if that changes the usual odeur de miction that asparagus is famed for?

        Makes one also wonder if the stalks are any woodier...

    3. Dr_N Silver badge

      Re: wild asparagus

      As with mushrooms it's gotten too popular in recent times and now everyone is after some.

      Just watch out for the fauna. I nearly trod on a snake today.

      @Mr Dabbs

      Piss is the least of the problems when out in popular spots. The amount of KK is pretty bad. And I'm pretty sure it's not dogs, given the toilet paper.

    4. Wzrd1

      Re: wild asparagus

      It grows wild in the US as well. It's great to find while camping in the spring.

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Mirrors and Zoom!

    I caught a glimpse of a colleague's hubby's back side as he scooted from the shower. I've seen it, I can't unsee it!!

    1. NetBlackOps

      Re: Mirrors and Zoom!

      Mindbleach seems to be in much demand these days.

  4. CuChulainn Silver badge
    Happy

    ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

    Erm. Well, actually...

    Lockdown last year coincided with it getting hot, and nothing treats it getting hot better than an ice-cold beer of an evening - perhaps accompanied by an ice-cold Thatchers Vintage on weekends.

    After quickly realising that even if you could get a supermarket slot, there wasn't actually much left you could buy, less so if it was remotely alcoholic (or capable of making anything alcoholic), I widened my search. Corona is my favourite.

    I'm making sure that this summer, I have a few cases of Corona in reserve for emergencies.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

      I was in my local Tesco yesterday - just near the entrance was a pallet of Corona boxes - noticed a customer put 3 into his trolley. Must have been expecting a heatwave. I think they were 12 pack boxes

      1. Hero Protagonist

        Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

        Well that’s Friday night sorted anyway

      2. CuChulainn Silver badge

        Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

        Before lockdown, that could have been me.

        On a night out, a bottle of Corona can set you back £4 or more. But when Asda is doing a Rollback or a two-pack offer, you can buy it for the equivalent of 75p a bottle. Even at normal prices it's only just over £1.

      3. KBeee Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

        And I bet you thought "Hispanic buying"

      4. ThatOne Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

        > noticed a customer put 3 into his trolley

        Yes, Corona has gone viral...

    2. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

      This week I have mainly been making a cold smoker, tested it with some streaky pork and then cooked the pork in the oven. My wife and I sat in the evening sun with some of the best smoky pork I have ever had, washed down with ice cold corona.:-)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

        @Chris G

        I have to ask, why would you make something as delicious as smoked pork (your own smoked pork, no less) and then wash it down with POP?

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

          Upvoted from a suitably aged comentard who remembers when Corona was indeed pop, not a beer (Icon).

          1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

            Re: a suitably aged comentard who remembers when Corona was indeed pop

            IIRC my neighbour's dad used to be a Corona lorry labourer.

            ===

            In those days there was a 3d deposit on bottles. Just take the bottle back to the retailer. When we were a bit broke we would go round the back of the newsagents and grab a few, then go round the front to collect the money.

            My favourite lemonade was Franklin's. I swear it came in swing-top ceramic stopper bottles, but can find no reference to that on t'internet.

            1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

              Re: a suitably aged comentard who remembers when Corona was indeed pop

              I remember that Corona pop originally came in bottles with a ceramic lever stopper. ISTR they changed to crown tops in the late 50s.

              Looking back on it, of all the things that used to be delivered (milk, meat, fish, groceries...), Corona seems the oddest.

        2. Dr_N Silver badge

          Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

          Because he likes to get fizzical?

        3. Chris G Silver badge

          Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

          I assume you are referring to the multi flavoured fizz of old in the UK, usually came with a screwtop and sixpence (?) deposit on the bottle.

          That Corona was normally accompanied by a packet of crisp that had salt in a little blue twist of waxed paper. I preferred Tizer in the bottles with a vulcanite stopper.

          Yes, I am that old!

          For anyone who celebrated cinco de Mayo, Corona beer is an important part of making good guacamole according to a couple of my Mexican friends.

          1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

            Re: I preferred Tizer in the bottles with a vulcanite stopper

            My parents were rather alarmed that I got through a bottle of that stuff per day. Great stuff...

            It was round about the time it started appearing in cans that my addiction ceased, IIRC pouring it into a glass it was a funny pink colour.

            Smith's crisps were the one's with the blue bag of salt which was usually a solid ball by the time it was purchased.

          2. CuChulainn Silver badge

            Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

            Back in the same time period, beer used to come in quart glass bottles with Bakelite screw/plug stoppers (with a rubber seal).

            The local brand was mainly Shipstones.

            Also in the same time period (I must have been about 6), when visiting my grandmother, they'd send me to the local corner off-licence to have a lidded ceramic-coated tin jug filled up with Milk Stout for her.

    3. the Jim bloke Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: ...nobody has been panic-buying multipacks of Corona...

      Last year, during the height of the Melbourne lockdowns, I made sure to send a picture of me enjoying - or drinking, anyway, a Corona at a West Australian beachside resort to the in-laws in Victoria, as a symbol of solidarity...

      "We may not have Covid-19 over here, but we're with you in spirit..."

  5. Russell Chapman Esq.

    April fool video

    I can understand how the BBC video about spaghetti in Ticino would work. It was 1954, rationing was just over, I doubt many in the UK had even seen spaghetti before. If you do have the chance to visit, go to Lake Lugano, Maggiore and Como, in summer it really is stunningly beautiful.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: April fool video

      Yes, but maybe not in April when a lot of the snow on the Alps melts and the lake rises up through the infill on which many of the flats are built, followed by the annual ritual of the planks and everyone using the best-located ground floor flat for access.

      1. Russell Chapman Esq.

        Re: April fool video

        That is not the case. I lived in Lugano for several years. Spring flooding is not a thing. Maybe you are more in mind of Venice?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: April fool video

      #OnThisDay 1964: Tonight wasn't impressed by the Spanish's rather un-British attitude towards breakfast, but frankly they're probably just jealous.

      You have to wonder how much Julian Pettifer went completely over the heads of those viewers who didn't know any better and just ended up reinforcing English exceptionalism.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        FAIL

        Re: April fool video

        @A/C

        You win this years worst April fools joke.

        I mean how many people would be stupid enough to click on an unknown posters link, on a comments page, taking them to somewhere equally unknown...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: April fool video

          If your browser doesn't tell you the link points to twitter.com/BBCArchive before you click on it or it doesn't show it when you tap and hold on a mobile then you're browsing the internet blindfolded and that's your problem, nobody else's.

    3. CuChulainn Silver badge

      Re: April fool video

      People seem to have forgotten how to do an April Fools thing properly.

      Did you see the one Deliveroo pulled yesterday in France?

      They sent people fake bills for orders of dozens of pizzas. Those who received them were trying to contact their banks to stop payments.

      The problem is, your account (or card) could get blocked quite easily by the bank if fraud is suspected.

      1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: April fool video

        They're probably just trying to make up for the losses on the IPO...

      2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: Did you see the one Deliveroo pulled yesterday in France?

        I think it was Compaq that really irritated me.

        Luckily I was the only one that received their mailings.

        They sent out a mailshot with dozens of loose 5mm inch square black card squares which, when you opened the envelope, spilled out over the floor. They did send a follow-up apology, but what possessed them to do it in the first place?

    4. swm Silver badge

      Re: April fool video

      I loved this BBC special on the spaghetti harvest. It had everything: songs, dances, celebrations, culture etc. I saw it a long time ago. Maybe it is time to rerun it.

      1. CuChulainn Silver badge

        Re: April fool video

        Here you go - and for anyone else who hasn't seen it.

        Enjoy!

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: April fool video

      My grandmother was fooled - even years later refused to believe it was a hoax!

    6. DJV Silver badge

      Re: April fool video

      Regarding that "convert a black-and-white television into a colour set using nylon stockings" video. As I don't speak Swedish I turned the subtitles on whereupon much merriment was discovered as YouTube tries to take spoken Swedish and generate English subtitles from the sounds - try it and laugh at such delights as "sucks one holotape you see lemon a little were technical" and "so many Celicia genitals I stooped addressed unto me van of a fighter voluminous problem man". Fantastic, and may give us a clue as to where amanfrommars sources his material!

  6. TheProf Silver badge
    Happy

    Stranger than Fiction

    "Swedish TV's 1962 demonstration of how to convert a black-and-white television into a colour set using nylon stockings."

    And a few years later when computers got all growed-up

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colour_recovery

    1. Daedalus

      Re: Stranger than Fiction

      I seem to remember some of the more tricksy hobbitses selling color conversion filters that were sheets of vinyl that would stick to the screen. There was a blue band at the top, a green one in the middle and so forth. I suppose it worked well enough for watching football....

      1. CuChulainn Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Stranger than Fiction

        Some hobbyists out there still seem to be searching for the same Philosopher's Stone with modest success.

        This is based on the old Col-R-Tel system from the 50s, and involves a spinning wheel with coloured filters on it.

        I'm sure it blended in with the furnishings wonderfully.

        The one you mentioned was apparently very real* - though also as you said, not very good.

        * I am not associated with that blog.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Stranger than Fiction

          I remember watching some years ago (Tomorrow's World) about colour on a B&W TV that involved flashing black and white - different frequencies would produce different colours

          1. Daedalus

            Re: Stranger than Fiction

            There were probably some people who saw some really interesting color effects before they collapsed to the floor.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Stranger than Fiction

        @Daedalus

        Sir, you have made me feel old. I can remember when the coloured films stuck to a screen worked well on Space Invaders machines in pubs.

        1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

          Re: Stranger than Fiction

          Space Invaders in a pub. Good Times.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            Re: Stranger than Fiction

            I always seemed to get my best scores after a few pints!

      3. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: I suppose it worked well enough for watching football....

        Useless for snooker though.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: I suppose it worked well enough for watching football....

          "and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green."

          1. Daedalus

            Re: I suppose it worked well enough for watching football....

            Ya beat me to it. Full marks for speed.

  7. the Jim bloke Silver badge
    Trollface

    a proper name for Covid 19

    How the company must wish the WHO had dubbed it Budweiservirus instead. Me, I wish they'd called it Bogroll-19.

    All very well having non-racist, politically inoffensive generic descriptions for the pandemic, but it doesnt TEACH anything.

    I prefer "Bolsonaros Little Flu", or similar depending on whatever local office holding oxygen thief decided their economy mattered more than their people.. "Orange Fever" may be applicable in the USA.

  8. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    black-and-white television into a colour set using nylon stockings.

    People who did not believe this was possible were labelled deniers.

    1. Martin Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: black-and-white television into a colour set using nylon stockings.

      Bravo! That's actually a pretty good pun.

      No doubt there will now be a run of similar jokes...

      1. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: a run of similar jokes

        I seam to think you may be right.

        1. Jan 0

          Re: a run of similar jokes

          That idea has got legs.

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: black-and-white television into a colour set using nylon stockings.

      After going up a ladder to fix the aerial.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: black-and-white television into a colour set using nylon stockings.

        That can be fatal - Rod Hull - RIP

        https://www.theguardian.com/uk/1999/mar/18/2

  9. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    During the process, I actually installed a bunch of new ones, ran out of storage

    Reminds me of an employee I had. His initials were very appropriate for the story I am about to relate ;-))

    After he left I decided one day to clear up some space on the pc he was using.

    I discovered that his favoured technique of clearing space when running out of space was to pick a group of folders, right-click and create a zip file, then delete the folders.

    Trouble was, a lot of those folders in turn, contained zipped content... I quickly found out why the word recursion embodies the word curse, and gave up.

    If data could eventually turn itself into coal, then forget BitCoin, we would be millionaires.

  10. First Light Silver badge

    Tut, tut, tut

    What? Wrote an article about World Backup Day that he deleted? Very naughty!!

    Can't believe no one has commented on this so far.

    Although I did have to google it to see if it was actually a thing and not his April Fools contribution.

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Tut, tut, tut

      World back up day?

      Does that have anything to do with sheep on the edge of a Welsh cliff?

      1. First Light Silver badge

        Re: Tut, tut, tut

        Sadly, it appears there is such a thing. Although since it's on March 31 it's easy to think it's an early April Fools.

        Your version sounds much more interesting.

  11. Blackjack Silver badge

    I have the problem that 90 % of my Apps are games, some no longer can be found anywhere, so I really hesitate a lot at unistalling them unless the game itself is really bad. My travel phone has 21 Apps that can be uninstalled but that's because it runs really slow so I moved the games to a different phone so it has the bare minimum.

    Heck I still keep my old Nokia N8 just for the games and to use as a MP3 player.

  12. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Progressive Recruitments

    These posters are quite interesting, however I prefer by far the NASA ones

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