back to article Move aside, Technoking: All hail the Sweat Master and his many inspirational job titles

You know my name. Look on my works and despair. "Does he get paid for that?" Yup, I can hear you despairing right now. My name is not enough. What I need now is a stupidity-engorged job title. Oh yes, the fashion is back for overegged descriptions of what you want other people to think you do for a living. Thought you'd seen …

  1. Dr_N Silver badge
    Gimp

    Technoking

    Sounds like a word describing what happens when you get smothered (accidentally or otherwise) by the latest advanced gadgets.

    *Kudos for posting the Best Bond Theme™®

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Techno Joke King

      Let's put that in the most correct form?

    2. Outski Bronze badge

      Re: Technoking

      And Dabbsy looking a tad Daniel Craig-ish in his profile pic today...

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Paris Hilton

        Re: Technoking

        Daniel Craig-ish?

        https://regmedia.co.uk/2013/06/28/bonds.jpg

        icon: Miss Moneypenny

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          Technookie

          The Spy Who Loved Me

    3. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Technoking

      King of Techno?

      More like King of Wan!

    4. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: Technoking

      To me it sounds like he finally admits to being a supervillain. Unfortunately he bribed mister Bond with a nice car

  2. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

    ... but do you have any actual figures for environmental damage?

    I will put only one here: Rocket CO2 emissions are 0.0000059% of global emissions. At first sight Musk flavoured rockets look quite bad because of their high market share and extra fuel for recovery. If you add in the CO2 emissions for refining and bending metal then divide by the number of flights per rocket then SpaceX look really good compare to other rockets.

    The everyday astronaut covered this topic in great detail in a long article and a matching video.

    (Love the rockets but even a judge agrees Elon needs adult supervision before being allowed near twitter.)

    1. Citizen of Nowhere

      Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

      >... but do you have any actual figures for environmental damage?

      He was on about the environmental impact of bitcoin mining, not rocketry.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

        Gonna have to step in mmkay. The problem isnt the amount of energy used by Bitcoin, it's how that energy is produced. Energy is not hard to come by, it's just difficult to harness.

        You see we folks on earth have become used to the idea that energy is a rare and precious thing because we've been burning fossils for so long, rare and precious things. In fact energy is present everywhere all the time we simply haven't figured out how to use it yet and the competition (burning things like primitives) is cheaper / easier.

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

          And what do you burn, apart from witches?

          - More witches! - Wood!

    2. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

      Everything humans do is harmful. I suppose we make choices relative to the gain. Me, I happen to think what Space X does is utterly brilliant.

      1. quxinot Silver badge

        Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

        Not true.

        Murdering other humans is by far the most ecologically positive choice we can make.

        1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

          Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

          >> Murdering other humans is by far the most ecologically positive choice we can make.

          Not if you pile them on a wood-burner afterwards.

          1. Stoneshop Silver badge
            Pirate

            Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

            Nope, just compost them. Which precludes the use of quicklime, and carpets only if those are fully biodegradable.

            1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

              Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

              >Nope, just compost them. Which precludes the use of quicklime, and carpets only if those are fully biodegradable.

              For long term carbon capture don't you want them not to biodegrade?

              I bury all my victims in disused salt caverns (hypothetically of course)

              1. quxinot Silver badge

                Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

                >I bury all my victims in disused salt caverns

                Doubles as a trophy room once they mummify, too.

                Remind me not to look at your Instagram.

            2. mr.K
              Joke

              Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

              I love how you use the term "them" when you clearly mean "us" or maybe just "me".

              (Joke alert, because, well, we are talking about ending peoples life here, and, this being the Internet, I think it is wise to have a disclaimer that says that I don't want to end peoples life.)

            3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

              "and carpets only if those are fully biodegradable."

              The best villains only use a good woollen Axminster with a proper hessian backing.

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

                You haven't seen Lethal Weapon 2.

                *looks down and checks the floor*

                Sorry, I was just checking for plastic.

          2. CuChulainn

            Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

            So that's what that constant and un-changing smell is I get from two extremely annoying wood-burning stove owning neighbours whenever it falls below about 8°C.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

          I dunno. I need more facts.

          What's the carbon footprint of the guns and ammo industry?

      2. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

        @Alistair

        On SpaceX I fully agree with you, on a couple of other things Musky does, I am not as impressed.

        Although he is a bit wealthier than me, so he must be doing some things right.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

          "Although he is a bit wealthier than me, so he must be doing some things right."

          There's a non sequitur.

          1. Spamfast
            Trollface

            Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

            Ways of getting very wealthy, in descending order of success rate:-

            1. Arrange to have very wealthy parents.

            2. Arrange to have wealthy parents, a little luck and sociopathic tendencies.

            3. Start with very little, have a large amount of luck and be a highly talented functional psychopath.

            4. Win a mega-lottery.

            1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

              Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

              #4 should be "Win a mega-lottery and keep the money", which seems to be beyond the capability of most winners. (I'd say that lottery players self-select for poor financial choices, but in moderation I suppose it's an entertainment expense. Not one I'm interested in paying, but then I don't spend a lot of money on opera tickets either, so who am I to judge?)

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

              Elon Musk is probably in number 3 then.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

        Indeed, the sad part is we only know what is harmful in hindsight and for some weird reason hindsight tends to make middle class white people grow dreadlocks and lie down in front of bulldozers.

    3. James Anderson Silver badge

      Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

      According to this

      https://digiconomist.net/bitcoin-energy-consumption/

      Bitcoin has the same carbon footprint as Switzerland

      and the same electricity consumption as Finland.

      So basically Bitcoin is consuming as much resources as a Medium sized western country and will only get worse as the current Tulip buying frenzy goes on.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Mock tech-knocking as much as you like ...

        Yes, yes but Bitcoin is worth almost as much as Switzerland and how much energy has Switzerland consumed to get where it is over the centuries?

        If Bitcoin was a national currency, it'd have the 14th biggest market cap on Earth, one place behind Switzerland. Given that nations have huge amounts of industry behind them in order for them to have currency in circulation...

        https://fiatmarketcap.com/

  3. sbt Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Oh no!

    TIL James Randi has stopped making "good use of oxygen"! So many dead in 2020.

    Sadly, also Chris Cornell has been gone a while.

  4. Ol'Peculier
    FAIL

    Must be me. I read it first as Tech-noking.

    Must be the vaccine muddling my brain...

    1. Josco

      #Me Too

      It still reads as Tech-noking to me even after Dabbsy's excellent explanation.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: #Me Too

        Noking with tech?

        1. Keven E

          All three

          Tech noking - Knocking it around a while... just to see what happens.

          Bit coking - Only a little piece... a bit of a tease.

          Crap toking - Full of *it.

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: #Me Too

          I was thinking more along the lines (see what I did there?) of Toking with Tech, eg hash oil vaping. It's not as if Musk hasn't got form for having a toke in public.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Not the vaccine, I read it the same way, and I saw Muskie's new title prior to getting the vaccine.

      Not trying to claim that my brain is not muddled, mind you, just that any muddling preceded the vaccination (by quite some time, according to various sources).

  5. This post has been deleted by its author

  6. Ochib

    Looks like the fire at OVH will replace The Floods of 1967 as the new reason why files can't be found

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?

      No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.

  7. Warm Braw Silver badge

    Sweat

    Is the man notoriously incapable of it the Wo-King?

    And, on an entirely unrelated subject, "lying in carbonated form" for some reason brought a picture of our illustrious Prime Minister to mind.

    1. Dr_N Silver badge

      Re: Sweat

      No sweat? Even when visiting the local branch of Lolitas Express ? Pizza, I mean Pizza Express!

    2. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge

      Re: Sweat

      "lying in carbonated form"

      Fib and tonic, innit.

  8. Potemkine! Silver badge

    Hail to the SomethingfortheweekendKing!

    Sometimes History looks like a big wheel,making circles. In the 60s, people seem eager to believe a lot of BS, Mao was a wonderful guy, loving flowers in the mud was the top of life, and so on... After that, the next generation realized how vain and stupid was all this, helped by decade-long crises. And now we are back to the same stage again, with new hippie-like beliefs propagating like a forest fire, just waiting to be trashed as the utter nonsense they are in 10 years. Never trust a hippie, so sad there's no lesson from History.

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Hail to the SomethingfortheweekendKing!

      No Sweat! (-king)

    2. ThatOne Silver badge

      Re: Hail to the SomethingfortheweekendKing!

      > In the 60s, people seem eager to believe a lot of BS

      In the 70s, people seemed eager to believe a lot of BS. In the 80s, people seemed eager to believe a lot of BS. In the 90s, people seemed eager to believe a lot of BS. In the 00s, people seemed eager to believe a lot of BS. In the 10s, people seemed eager to believe a lot of BS. And in the 20s, people still seem eager to believe a lot of BS.

      I trust you see a pattern.

      It's just that it's more reassuring to consider your parents (or yourself a long time ago) were utterly misguided, rather than accepting that people in general are always following varying fads, and mostly incapable of any (terribly misnamed) "common" sense.

  9. trevorde Silver badge

    Uptitling

    bin man --> Sanitation Engineer

    sales droid --> Executive Sales Associate/Director/Manager

    marketing --> Customer Engagement Director

    help desk --> Customer Success Executive

    dogsbody/gopher --> Personal Assistant

    boss' significant other --> Corporate Evangelist

    big cheese --> Chief Executive Officer

    bean counter --> Chief Financial Officer

    alpha nerd --> Chief Technical Officer

    1. Chronos

      Re: Uptitling

      You forgot:

      Whipping boy --> Customer Service Specialist

      1. Neil Barnes Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Uptitling

        Whipping boy --> Customer Service Specialist

        Fixed that for you...

    2. trevorde Silver badge

      Re: Uptitling

      customers --> Extended QA Department

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Uptitling

        customers --> Extended QA Department

        FTFY

    3. Finnish Anonymous Coward

      Re: Uptitling

      Someone who actually does something and fixes things -> Head of Monkey Herd

      (yes, I HAVE asked Head of Development to change my title to that one)

    4. cmdrklarg

      Re: Uptitling

      Best job title I've seen was "Webmistress of the Dark". I forget which company she worked for, but she did insist that it was her actual title.

      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: Uptitling

        Dignitas?

    5. Andytug

      Re: Uptitling

      Also:

      Window Cleaner - Transparent Wall Maintenance Engineer

    6. CountCadaver

      Re: Uptitling

      Paint Sprayer - Refinishing Technician (or as I put on one relatives CV "Onshore oil related senior refinishing technician" - which got at least one company to ring and enquire as to exactly what that meant....)

    7. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Uptitling

      Alpha Nerd --> Freelance Technical Consultant.

      Nobody on the company books is an Alpha Nerd.

  10. Franco Silver badge

    Royalty

    So long as this doesn't mean he's next on Oprah.

  11. KittenHuffer Silver badge

    Job titles!

    The one I wanted was Bit Herder and Prosecutor of Electrons!

    1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      Re: Job titles!

      The next best thing is to visit all your LinkedIn contacts and add to their list of 'skills' and 'recommendations' at the bottom of their public profiles. "Fruit juggling" often goes down well, as does "Wombat Tester".

      1. MiguelC Silver badge

        Re: Job titles!

        I'd happily go for this one!

      2. KittenHuffer Silver badge

        Re: Job titles!

        I wonder if you'd get away with adding 'Jizz Lobber'?!?

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Job titles!

        "Saggar-maker's bottom knocker" was the profession of choice for embroidering other people's CVs with back when I was a lad.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Job titles!

          "Hod-carrier's Tea-masher's mate" when I wor a lad

          I just got new business cards listing me as a "Principal Research Engineer" immediately followed by a memo that I can't use them externally because i'm not officially an Engineer in this state.

          Since I mostly behind a screen "Searching Stackoverflow" as a profession I don't see why I need business cards, especially since this is the C21 and people have email. So logically ones that I have to keep secret are no less useful.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Job titles!

            Are .vcf attachments still a thing?

      4. Spamfast
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: Job titles!

        "Fruit juggling" often goes down well, as does "Wombat Tester".

        Oh Mr Dabbs! What have you done?!

        Now I'm going to have to accept all those LinkedIn invitations from recruiters who have fabulous job opportunities for me at half my current rate.

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Job titles!

      I remember being given a business card from someone that claimed he was a "Principle Engineer", which I thought could be an interesting job if true.

      1. Graham Dawson Silver badge

        Re: Job titles!

        Is that what they call cabinet secretaries these days?

    3. Robert D Bank

      Re: Job titles!

      A few years ago there was an ad for a job that was described as a 'Jacket Off Position'. It was there for a few months and on more than one of the big UK recruiters sites. I always wondered if it was a serious job or someone having a laugh.

  12. Dr_N Silver badge
    Coat

    Pedoking

    Is that the old capital of China?

  13. Dr Scrum Master
    Headmaster

    Hyphen

    it needs a space or a hyphen. As with "miniseries", my brain keeps urging me to mispronounce it.

    And e-mail.

    1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      Re: Hyphen

      Isn't that the guy who did Mr Robot?

      1. Franco Silver badge

        Re: Hyphen

        The grammar pedants would tell you that would be e'mail

        1. Mage Silver badge

          Re: Hyphen

          e'mail? That signifies a syllable break or something transliterated. You mean e’mail.

    2. A. Coatsworth
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Hyphen

      Honest (if Paris-esque) question:

      How would you mispronounce "miniseries"? Seeing it written like that, I can't imagine alternative pronunciations

      1. Irony Deficient Bronze badge

        How would you mispronounce “miniseries”?

        Personally, I’d stress its second syllable, pronouncing the first “s” as a “z” (/məˈnɪz.ə.ɹiːz/) — something like “miseries” with an embedded and emphasized “Ni!”.

      2. herman Silver badge

        Re: Hyphen

        How would you mispronounce "miniseries"? - The Apple Min iSeries of course.

      3. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: Hyphen

        I read it as if it sounded like "miseries" or "ministries" i.e. min-iser-ies.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Hyphen

        I see it with emphasis on the second 'I', so MinIseries

    3. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Hyphen

      What I want to know is why do so many people nowadays pronounce "biopic" as "biop-ic" instead of "bio-pic"?

      1. Irony Deficient Bronze badge

        “biopic”

        Perhaps those people are influenced by the pronunciation of “biopsy” as “bi-opsy” rather than “bio-psy”.

    4. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Hyphen

      cow-orker

  14. Janne Smith

    As well as people collecting second hand trainers (or sneakers to left-pondians), you can now buy virtual ones. I kid you not, Gucci will sell you an image of a pair of sneakers...

    1. DJV Silver badge

      Saw them coming...

      There's a gullible idiot born every minute! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVvcD4Czx4Y

  15. herman Silver badge

    To King rather than Nosmo King

    I think that 'To King' is more apt, given the picture of His Most Revered Elon.

  16. Colin Bain

    Glass half full

    I keep reading the Elon Musk appellate as Tech - No king! A negative take on his monarchial position.

    Also Nosmo King was a band in the 70's (and possibly later) that I saw up in Aberdeen while pretending to study at Uni.

  17. John Miles

    Technoking

    For some reason I keep reading Technoking as combination of "Technology" and "Smoking" - but then it is Elon Musk

  18. KBeee Bronze badge
    Alert

    Scary job titles

    I was working in a hospital in Wimbledon once, and when I'd finished went to the car park and saw a van parked next to me with the words "Communicable Disease Eradication Team". Feeling a bit non-plussed and this being about the time when Ebola was in the headlines, I asked what disease they were there to eradicate.

    "Oh, it just means we're the cleaners" came the reply

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Presumably some executive type working in forestry could title themselves FirKing - the headlines on their actions/statements would write themselves.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      I suspect the guy piloting this helicopter is a current holder of that title.

    2. Robert D Bank

      that was the name my dad gave our cat when I was little, 'the Fur king'

      1. Keven E

        Furry memories

        He was just covering for calling it "That f**king cat!".

  20. Spamfast
    Facepalm

    Magic Boots

    Every month or some some gullible journo at the BBC (and sadly at New Scientist who I'd hope might know better) reports on another revolutionary way of extracting energy from footfalls, arm waving, gastric juices, farting or whatever - usually with some meaningless statement such as "the system was able to produce more than three volts of power".

    I don't understand how the 'bio-tech researchers' (Head of Biokinetic Energy Engagement, anyone?) get funding given the basic thermodynamic impossibility of getting worthwhile amounts of power from a person's unrestricted day to day activities.

    My favourite, which keeps coming back, is powering the street lights from the pavement. I have an image of pedestrians bumping into each other negotiating a surface with the consistency of a meter's depth of foam rubber with a few flickering overhead LEDs.

    1. Daedalus Silver badge

      Re: Magic Boots

      Still waiting for someone to troll them with the revolutionary Potato Power* (requires copper and zinc electrodes). While we as functioning bio-power devices produce 100 watts of heat doing nothing, and can generate up to 250 watts of actual power continuously**, turning all that bio-power into electricity doesn't usually produce anything much beyond a few tens of watts, if that. All you have to do is remember that science museum exhibit where you labour mightily to get a bulb to glow. On the other hand a gaggle of random walkers can set a footbridge to swaying dramatically, so maybe you can get a little out of that.

      * What's a Potato Clock? Well, you set your alarm and get a potato clock.

      ** If a trained athlete in peak condition

  21. Muscleguy Silver badge

    Hopefully next month (no contract yet) I will start work as a Technical Services Officer TSO. This is what used to be and should still be called a School Science Technician. Nobody knows what a TSO is. What jobsworth decided that needed updating to something which bears little relation to the job? Probably some overpaid consultant determined to give 'value for money'.

    I've actually done part of the job before, back in the mists of time. For the first 3 years of secondary school I was the Chemistry Monitor (paid). My form teacher taught Chemistry you see. This got me out of the winter rain with a kettle and an aged flip side toaster (I replaced the element on it). I set up for labs and cleaned up afterwards. Kept the chemicals organised properly, that sort of thing.

    I neglected to mention that at interview but got the job anyway on the strength of being an actual scientist (former). A job where my PhD wasn't a hindrance, finally.

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      a Technical Services Officer TSO.

      This has the hallmarks of a grading exercise' job title. You need to be put on a grade for pay scale that matches others doing similar jobs. So they turn every tool into a hammer - or rather a weighted force application utility

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