back to article Just let this sink in: Capita wins 12-year £1bn contract to provide training services to the Royal Navy and Marines

Weeks after the British Army renewed a contract that retained Capita at the heart of its recruitment services, the oft-criticised outsourcing biz has snaffled a £1bn deal to provide training services for the Royal Navy and Marines. In a statement to the London Stock Exchange today, Capita said the 12-year agreement will see …

  1. N2 Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Thats that f88ked then

    How in the name of God can those half baked morons train our servicemen?

    Icon is all they deserve

    1. Little Mouse Silver badge

      Re: Thats that f88ked then

      How? By being contractually obliged to reach certain KPIs/SLAs.

      And if they should accidentally exceed those minimum contracted targets, they'll reduce the amount of resource invested to bring them back down again, thus ensuring maximum profits for shareholders.

      If you want to be the best fighting force in the world, don't get Capita to train you. If you're happy being in the top 82% of the best, 74% of the time, then Capita is the way to go.

    2. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

      Re: Thats that f88ked then

      How in the name of God can those half baked morons train our servicemen?

      By making sure the person(s) who signed off on this will have a Board of Director's position, in a dummy corporation, when they retire.

      After all, money talks ...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Thats that f88ked then

        Like a certain facilities management company......got the contract (where they subcontracted all the work and took a 10% cut for essentially doing nothing), delivered a cut down service and several recently retired flag officers (who had signed off on the contract) reappeared on said company's board.....

    3. xyz123

      Re: Thats that f88ked then

      Capita trainer: OK pull the pin like this <pulls grenade pin>

      Now you're supposed to count to 5 and throw it.

      Firstly we'll go through this 35minute powerpoint showing you probably posture control when throwing a grenade so you don't hurt your back.........

      1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
        Facepalm

        Re: Thats that f88ked then

        You forgot to make a service request first in order to make a change in a production environment (or is it a destruction environment), have it approved at the next CAB meeting, submit a testing plan (including roll-back), have it approved by all the stakeholder (including of course the target of the change), and if you didn't forget to check all the boxes it may be possible to implement it.

      2. Mr Dogshit

        Re: Thats that f88ked then

        Not sure the RN use many hand grenades, but ho hum.

        1. Red Ted Silver badge
          Mushroom

          Re: Thats that f88ked then

          No, they go all the way up to the other end of the scale and manage the UK’s Nuclear Deterrent.

          What could possibly go wrong?

        2. Symon
          Megaphone

          Re: Thats that f88ked then

          https://www.royalnavy.mod.uk/the-equipment/commando/royal-marines-individual

          "Grenades are used by Royal Marines to augment their individual firepower in close combat scenarios."

          Let's hope that Crapita don't go the way of the US's Gunnery Sargeant Hartman.

          Hartman: [referring to Lee Harvey Oswald and Charles Whitman] Do any of you people know where these individuals learned how to shoot? [Joker raises his hand] Private Joker?

          Joker: [stands up] Sir, in the Marines, sir!

          Hartman: [impressed] In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same thing!

        3. Julian 8

          Re: Thats that f88ked then

          They will after capita training

          Wait till you see the Army trying to throw depth charges at the enemy - that'll be far more fun

        4. Flywheel Silver badge
          Facepalm

          Re: Thats that f88ked then

          Shush! Don't tell Capita that!

    4. John McCallum

      Re: Thats that f88ked then

      Thats it we're screwed

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Thats that f88ked then

        It's taken this long for the penny to drop?

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    provide training services

    given capita well-established, long-term track record, it's gonna be no worse than blind training the blind.

    As to that 1bn, it's only two low-cap letters. 1bn, 1tn, see? - nothing to worry about, capita will see you now!

  3. codejunky Silver badge

    Ha!

    "the current UK government is comprised of pacifists rather than the blood-thirsty Tories their enemies on the left often accuse them of being"

    I dont recall it being much different under labour. I wonder if it will be a WW2 situation where after WW1 the gov just gave up on the forces and was woefully unprepared when the next one kicked off.

    1. Outski Bronze badge

      Re: Ha!

      So that would be giving up on the forces that led to the re-armament that kicked off shortly after 1932, including the development of monoplane fighter and bomber aircraft, new types of naval vessels and new tanks.

      What was unprepared was the military leadership, preparing to fight the previous war, as per.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Ha!

        No obviously the current government is composed of Thatcher-Reagan free marketers.

        Having the navy train their own people themselves would be "government doing stuff" which is the very

        definition of communism

        Ripping off the customer for the benefit of shareholders is the fundamental rule of capitalism - so using the biggest ripper-offs is a vote for the free market

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ha!

        trying to resell the Royal Navy course to the "wider international defence market",

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ha!

        England would have fallen to a land invasion except for the actions of the RAF. But the aircraft required to do so weren't built until after July 1940: https://www.bbc.co.uk/teach/what-was-the-secret-to-winning-the-battle-of-britain/z7m3t39

        So, yes. a total under-preparedness on behalf of the government for the reality of imminent war.

        1. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

          Re: Ha!

          Correct. Previous poster is a fantasist and/or revisionist.

          If you ever want to shrink your sphincter to sub-pinhole size, and/or to scream "No-ooooo" on every other page, read any detailed political history of the 20s & 30s. Every Establishment person (for non-Brits: Civil Service + QUANGOs, strictly, but also including the parasitic hangers-on) bending over backwards to stamp on anyone's objection to Hitler's demands and actions. Early Cancel-Culture. Lord Reith of BBC, for example, explicitly censored any dissenting voices. Nearly all politicians followed the line. Nearly all businessmen likewise. Those who didn't were excoriated IN public, but appreciated BY the public (dirty populism!!). Churchill was forced in by popular demand, despite the vigorous resistance by the insulated-parasites-on-a-good-wicket. (The Vichy politicians and public servants, for example, had very good lives post-invasion; in fact, experienced almost no change in their lives -- that sort of thing is only for the plebs).

          You'll note precisely the same behaviour now, re China and by China. Brinkmanship + tantrums + aggression works BRILLIANTLY vs infants and parasites. We are now in our 30s.

          1. W.S.Gosset Silver badge
            Mushroom

            Re: Ha!

            By the bye: "the few" could have been tripled at any time with 2 phonecalls. That is, the small band of Hurricane and Spitfire pilots dragged up night after night after night to fight against massive odds, and suffering massive casualties as a result, not least from exhaustion-driven mistakes, could have actually had loads of time off to recover and/or gone up with fair odds or often an advantage

            Thing is, Keith Parks was put in charge of the South-East air arm. And he wanted to be a WAR HERO. And so he constructed a standard Narrative of the doomed but brave. Kept the Press very informed and kept Senior Management (his superior officers + War Office civil servants) VERY informed of the incredible pressure and casualties and urgent need for reinforcements because OH GOD the DRAMA. And it worked. It worked very, very well. He got showered with medals and honours and career and publicity. He's even got a statue in St James Park! Just up from Buckingham Palace!

            Pity about all those dead and crippled pilots. But hey, some of them got medals too and anyway they're just plebs.

            See, thing is, Keithyboy could have at any time when the radar alerted another wave of German aircraft 20-30mins away, simply picked up the phone and the entire South-*WEST* air arm would have been there as reinforcements in 10-15mins, doubling their numbers. Plus also the *NORTHERN* air arm would have arrived in another 15mins, almost tripling their numbers. (Times measured by their respective COs) To be clear: for virtually all German attacks, he could have, and had full authority to, deployed 100% of Britain's fighters by the time they'd crossed the Channel.

            Instead, 2/3rds of the British fighter pilots stooged around in empty skies bored out of their minds, and 1/3rd had the living shit ripped out of them, just so Keithyboy could bask in the limelight.

            Worked for HIM!!

            .

            Parasite. Toxic, toxic parasite.

            1. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

              Re: Ha!

              There was enormous anger about this in the RAF at the time but you'll only find out about it now if you read first-person accounts : history books uniformly fawn over him.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Ha!

              oh good, the Parks vs Bader big wing argument - let's fight that battle again. The counter view is that actually they didn't get 30 minutes notice. Chain home didn't have that sort of range. Radio intercepts would give a 30 minute warning of a raid being marshalled, but they wouldn't know where it was aimed at until 10 to 15 minutes before they crossed the coast, insufficient time to get the big wing's off the ground, to altitude, and in formation. It was only when the Luftwaffe started to attack London that the warning time was sufficient to actually get the big wings in place. And it would probably been literal national suicide to mi it up with Luftwaffe fighters over Kent and Surrey. So playing the big wing card early on would have meant ceding control of the channel coast to the German's which was rather what they wanted.

              20 20 hindsight is always useful, and i'm sure Parks would have done many things differently in retrospect - but the carping of people who weren't there, and didn't have to take life or death decisions is never particularly edifying.

            3. Val Halla

              Never was so much owed by so many to so few.

              At least the annual accounts look better now.

            4. Potemkine! Silver badge

              Re: Ha!

              BS. Keith Park was right to manage his resources. Your theory is the one pushed at the time by Leigh-Mallory and Bader. That led to the Big Wing, which was a failure and a waste of resources.

        2. Ushio

          Re: Ha!

          No the UK wouldn't because Germany did not have the ability to invade the UK.

          They didn't have the ships, they didn't have the landing craft and the UK was not Norway.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Ha!

            And of course you know this now, but we didn't know it then. It's easy in retrospect. Not so easy after you had just watched your allies fall like nine-pins, been harried across France and just managed to get the army back, albeit without their guns or armour.

          2. Val Halla

            Re: Ha!

            Read your history instead of the Victor or History channel.

            War in the West by James Holland is a good start.

        3. Potemkine! Silver badge

          Re: Ha!

          Another element often underrated: the Lufwaffe lost around 1,200 planes during the Battle of France.

          For me the main turn of the Battle of Britain was when the Luftwaffe began to target cities instead of airfields and radar stations to retaliate against the bombing of Berlin. Without this strategic turn the RAF would have finally collapsed, despite the outstanding efforts of Sir Hugh Dowding, who was shamefully removed after that. That man should have a column dedicated to him at least the size of the one of Nelson in central London.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        previous war?

        I thought they were preparing to fight the Napoleonic war.

      5. Potemkine! Silver badge

        Re: Ha!

        The Britsh tanks of the 30s were utter pieces of sh*t.

        See

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matilda_I_(tank)

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cruiser_Mk_I

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cruiser_Mk_II

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Light_Tank_Mk_VII_Tetrarch

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ha!

      "...woefully unprepared..." - seems to be a recurring theme.

      Maybe they should have put it in their manifesto - then they'd be able to claim a success!

    3. Ushio

      Re: Ha!

      That's not fair. After WW1 basically bankrupted the UK you then had the great depression in the early 1930's.

      The UK's main military strength the Navy was hamstrung by naval treaties that limited new ship building and limited the displacement of what ships that were built.

      Aircraft and tanks were both still young tech and were seeing rapid advancement making vehicles a mere 1-2 years old obsolete which made keeping up very costly resulting in small runs of aircraft and tanks preceding WW2.

      1. codejunky Silver badge

        Re: Ha!

        @Ushio

        "That's not fair. After WW1 basically bankrupted the UK you then had the great depression in the early 1930's."

        That is true. And we have just had the great recession and the Covid lockdown. The first war was to end all wars and excuses can be made, and I am sure the same could be said when the next war kicks off. But hopefully not.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ha!

      Well they did slash the following in 2010 (AFTER posting here there and everywhere that the Tories would rebuild the military) - Decommissioned Ark Royal AFTER she was no long out of refit, sold off the Harriers (which the USMC then happily bought for a song), turned illustrious into a helicopter carrier, left us with no maritime reconnaissance aircraft (resulting in Russian subs lurking near the exit to the Gareloch alledgedly) (fair enough nimrod was a disaster but that was a clusterfuck decision)

      Surprised as yet the Tories haven't just privatised the military entirely by just employing mercenaries...then again the SNPs "great" plan to balance the books post indy is simply to slash the defence budget and hope no disaster (like a pandemic...*whistles* or a larger power deciding to annex Scotland (ala Crimea) - Given the US military are the sole user of Prestwick, whats really to stop any future US President deciding to do to Scotland what they did to Guam, Puerto Rico, Hawaii etc? and just annex Scotland? What are they going to do then? Write a strongly worded newspaper article? Whine to the UN (oh wait the USA is a permanent member of the security council so that's out the window) ) unfolds that needs military mobilisation

  4. Jason Hindle Silver badge

    Sounds Fishy

    Navy's shore-based training in 16 sites across the UK as the lead partner in a consortium, Fisher Price Training, which bid for the work. FTFY.

    Speaking of training and outsourcing, we're not quite as dystopian as Africa. Yet... A few years ago, on a business trip to Uganda, I rapidly came to the conclusion that no one in a G4S Uniform should ever be handed an M16 ("Would you be kind enough to point that at someone other me," I said more than once). At some point, someone in government is going to come up with the idea of just outsourcing the military altogether.

    1. Trigonoceps occipitalis Silver badge

      Re: Sounds Fishy

      "outsourcing the military altogether"

      Isn't that, originally, how Switzerland got rich?

      1. EmilPer.

        Re: Sounds Fishy

        yes, they were the service providers outsourcers

        1. The commentard formerly known as Mister_C Bronze badge

          Re: Sounds Fishy

          "yes, they were the service providers outsourcers"

          and still are, if you live in the Vatican.

          1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge

            Re: Sounds Fishy

            Just wait till someone starts an action on the ground of religious discrimination against the Pope...

          2. macjules Silver badge

            Re: Sounds Fishy

            Isn’t that Capita Schweizergarde GmbH?

  5. Chris G Silver badge

    Maybe it will work

    After all, Crapita's tactics seem to work for them; Procrastinate, perform poorly, never deliver anything promised and fail to make a profit, that seems to result in the UK Gov' and others taking pity on them and continuing to offer them contracts where they will maintain their previous standards.

    Perhaps they will train the Marines to land on the wrong beach with half their weapons missing and then mill around like headless chickens, after the enemy have finished laughing themselves to death, the Marines can then walk in and take over.

    Crapita reinforcing it's capabilities with the likes of Fujitsu and Raytheon does not bode well.

    1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

      Re: Maybe it will work

      Perhaps they will train the Marines to land on the wrong beach with half their weapons missing and then mill around like headless chickens, after the enemy have finished laughing themselves to death, the Marines can then walk in and take over.

      Crapita reinforcing it's capabilities with the likes of Fujitsu and Raytheon does not bode well.

      You're not looking to the future. Modern Warfare is all about computers. Traditional wafare has been all about logistics. Ergo, future combat is all about encouraging your enemy to make mistakes, and waste resources. Crapita has been honing this philosophy on British public & private sector for years now, including the MoD. Now, having demonstrated it's Tier-1 capability to cripple industrial & defence targets, along with infrastructure, it's now ready for the front line. Soon the UK will have potent first strike capability, with divisions of MBAs (Marine Business Administrators), CEs (Combat Excel specialists), along with Special Projects* support.

      *Rumor that this involves outsourcing any offensive or defensive roles to sub-contractors that may or may not be currently working for any contractually defined "enemy**" is mere speculation.***

      **Contact your account team for a competitive quote to define any enemies not currently included in schedules 3-17,976 as may be amended by Crapita Plc subject to prevailing market conditions and dividend expectations.

      ***Then again, if you can contract your enemy to attack itself, this may be cost advantageous, subject to hedging any future litigation concerning bribery or foreign corrupt practices. And with some financial engineering, provide useful foreign sales revenues.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Maybe it will work

      Perhaps they will train the Marines to land on the wrong beach with half their weapons missing and then mill around like headless chickens

      they don't need crapita's training for that because they can already do these things very well all by themselves

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Maybe it will work

      "perform poorly, never deliver anything promised and fail to make a profit,"

      On the other hand, maybe it a surreptitious plan for world peace. After all, one of the states aims to sell the course on to other nations military. If they all become equally incompetent, Cramita get rich and we get world peace. Win Win!! (oe Lose Win, since tr's Crapita getting rich)

      1. Val Halla

        Re: Maybe it will work

        It would appear we are paying Crapita to train potential adversaries in the same techniques we use thus compromising any advantage we might have.

  6. chivo243 Silver badge
    Devil

    Berlitz advert in the headline!

    Lovely, just lovely, cracking up just sinking about it!

  7. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Facepalm

    CIPFA

    According to Wikipedia...

    Capita was formed in 1984 as a division of the non-profit CIPFA (Chartered Institute of Public Finance and Accountancy). In 1987 it became an independent company with 33 staff as a result of a management buy-out, led by Rod Aldridge, and was first listed on the London Stock Exchange in 1991.

    Bean counters - that figures

    1. PAULPRY

      Re: CIPFA

      When I worked at Crapita I was amazed how many BCs they employed - every one of the divisions and companies seemed to have endless layers of bean-counters with fancy titles - 'senior' this and 'strategic' that. They often weren't even real, qualified bean-counters - just myopic jobsworths who'd been there a long time. I notice that most of my ex-colleagues who've 'moved on' have been unemployed for months - presumably no-one else wants to employ them.

      The company just keeps on disappointing - I notice their shares are very close to dropping out of the FTSE-250 index, just like they dropped out of the bigger companies' FTSE-100 index a few years back. A few more pence off the share price should do the job.

  8. aregross

    It'll take 12 years, er 11 years and 6 months, to get this all going!

    Capita: Well, it's all ready to go! Wait, what's that? The contact is up? Just sign here!

  9. Trigonoceps occipitalis Silver badge

    couldn't comment

    Please - "couldn't possibly comment".

    1. Tim99 Silver badge

      Re: couldn't comment

      "You might very well think that"...

  10. seven of five Silver badge

    Disarmament through the back door.

    or rather, through the wallet. Peace sells :)

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Couldnt run a bath never mind a business

    So what do the incompetent do? They go into politics or the civil service, and these 3rd rates are now in charge of our countrys defence. God help us.

    1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Couldnt run a bath never mind a business

      3rd rates?

      it will fit perfectly with the Royal Navy system, then

    2. 2+2=5 Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Couldnt run a bath never mind a business

      > Couldn't run a bath never mind a business

      Is that because they're an absolute shower?

  12. The commentard formerly known as Mister_C Bronze badge
    Facepalm

    I think I misread this

    "live on-the-ground training". Living on the ground is what a matelot does after retirement. Living at sea training would be more appropriate, shirley.

    Then I realised it's probably a looong i. As in "Liiiiive, on the ground, training..."

    But then it's Crapita, so who knows

  13. sbt Silver badge
    Devil

    They've certainly learned how to make money

    The only clever part here is how the private sector has undermined recruitment into the forces, and then cleaned up on the necessary outsourcing to plug the gaps.

    Or am I just being to cynical again?

  14. beep54
    Mushroom

    If you are outsourcing the training of your troops in the military, you've completely lost sight of how the military is supposed to work. Also, you need a clean slate at the top staffed with actual competent people. Of course England has long done this, but at least the Hessians were somewhat competent.

  15. This post has been deleted by its author

  16. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge
    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: From Queen of the Seas to Queen of the (Dry)Dock

      Oh no, what will intercept the rafts and the fishing boats?

    2. Ushio

      Re: From Queen of the Seas to Queen of the (Dry)Dock

      Issues like this happen in every navy at some point.

      The issue is unlike back before the 1950's the Navy of today doesn't have ships to replace ones that are in maintenance.

      It's why building just two carriers was a total waste of money. Five carriers needs to be minimum with one in maintenance, one in training and three in operational use allowing at least two if one has issues like in this case.

      If you can't afford five carriers then you may as well use the money elsewhere more Astute attack subs and cruise missile and drone carrier variants of the new Dreadnought class would be nice.

  17. macjules Silver badge
    Meh

    endeavour to "modernise"

    By the time these Tuesday sightseers have finished HMS Victory will be the most modern ship in the fleet. How on earth could a company with a proven track record of sheer, bumbling incompetence, ESPECIALLY in the army recruitment contract, be given this?

    I suppose that with COVID-19 and huge contracts being awarded left, right and centre to £100 off the shelf companies we should not be surprised. Hence the icon.

    By the way, the army has actually extended the RPP contract to Capita until 2022.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Crap services

    Will inevitably lead to unnecessary British deaths.

    :(

    1. Intractable Potsherd Silver badge

      Re: Crap services

      Why does the "British" need to be in there? This will lead to unnecessary deaths of people.

      1. Peter2 Silver badge

        Re: Crap services

        If we are going to be absolutist about it, having a military does tend to lead to people dying unnecessarily from particular points of view.

        The point of training a military though is to minimise the number of your own people killed while maximising the number of unfriendly types killed. Hence, concern about our troops as opposed to somebody elses.

  19. hatti

    Consultancy and guns, what could possibly go wrong?

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      The staff bonding paintball session could go wrong. Do you want more suggestions?

  20. Whiskers

    Nostalgia

    > and also trying to resell the Royal Navy course to the "wider international defence market", as well as "identifying further revenue opportunities for the services" are also part of the consortium's remit. <

    Sounds like the Good Old Days of Francis Drake et al; outsourced "defence", piracy, privateers, buccaneers, mercenaries. Press Gangs?

    1. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Nostalgia

      The Press Gangs from Fleet Street?

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Nostalgia

        Possibly, since the river Fleet still runs underneath :-)

        1. Whiskers

          Re: Nostalgia

          Although there's not much of the press left on Fleet St since they all moved out to Wapping and such places.

  21. This post has been deleted by its author

  22. adam payne

    Apparently, Capita will use its "expertise" in "transformation, learning and the delivery of complex, technology enabled defence projects".

    Capita will use their expertise to deliver everything late, over budget and not fit for purpose like so many times before.

    How the hell do they keep winning these contracts?

    1. Ken 16
      Headmaster

      They're big enough to keep a team together for a government procurement cycle, they can cite experience of similar contracts in the past and they know the process.

      1. Rick Deckard

        And that is 99%+ of the battle won..they know the ropes, they know whitehall language, they know how to butter up egos of civil servants climbing their way up the ladder of career anynomity...they know how "The Whitehall System" works.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          still laughing at that this one.

          .they know the ropes

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Because spending tax payers money is just a game to those "in-charge".

      :(

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "digital learning"

    Or "webinars" as we call them.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If Crapita did cybersecurity

    They'd be called DXC...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: If Crapita did cybersecurity

      I'm from DXC and I resemble that comment

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: If Crapita did cybersecurity

        Simon?

  25. Danny Boyd Bronze badge

    Good thing...

    ... Royal Navy and Marines aren't going to face a foe other than EU fishermen in a foreseeable future.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Good thing...

      Actually, they'll be fighting in the next US war.

      Probably within the next 4 years.

      :/

      1. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

        Re: Good thing...

        Actually, they'll be fighting in the next US war.

        Imagine being stuck in the middle of a firefight (and position is about to get overrun in the next 15 minutes) and you jump into comms to ask for air support.

        YOU: ... we are in danger of getting overrun and we need air support. NOW!

        Capita: Thank you for calling Capita Customer Support & my name is Rajesh. Can I start with your name and employee number, please?

  26. Jim84

    Top down vs Bottom up

    Why give a £1 billion contract to one company for the entire navy's training in a top down way (well because Captia has mates in the government who will get cushy jobs at Captia after being MPs).

    You would be off better giving each navy member a credit which they can spend at the training company of their own choice, but are then forced to pass standardised tests. That would allow actual competition and innovation in the delivery of training to navy members. There are plenty of Universities and companies around that are quite good at training and use quite modern IT to do so.

  27. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

    Advanced Navy training...

    Crapita : See... if you want the boat to go left, you just push left on the joystick.

    Navy man : You mean push it to port?

    Crapita : Port? No... left.

    Navy man : Security!!! Throw this idiot overboard...

  28. Imhotep Silver badge

    Own Your Skills

    In my experience, hiring an outside firm to teach you your business never works well. It is pretty much an admission that you don't have a clue about what you do.

    At one time I worked for an international brewery that was faced with a bubble of approaching retirements and a loss of those skills acquired through a lifetime.

    The first approach was to work with a local university to create and provide training, which ended in disaster. People with no technical aptitude, no respect for the skills of others and an inability to listen to a skilled adult created such a poisonous situation that they were booted out in short order.

    The second approach was to bring in intelligent, technically qualified individuals that worked well with others. These individuals were hired as permanent employees by the brewery, and a great many of them were exNavy nuclear sub people. The new approach was to work with the brewery folks to create the new training, to use the best of them to help create and deliver the training, and to recognize and reward their skills and their efforts.

    This approach worked extremely well and returned ownership of their training back to the brewery.

  29. Rick Deckard

    SNAFU....

  30. Hubert Thrunge Jr.

    How does this incompetent bunch of fools keep winning contracts.

    Oh, I forgot. OJEU rules do not let you take an organisations past performance into consideration as it may disadvantage new bidders trying to win contracts. As they have no track record, you have to discount the track record of every other bidder and treat them all as new.

    Normal human beings learn from their mistakes, to really f**k it up requires things like OJEU procurement rules.

    Perhaps after Brexit is sorted, the leadership of Crapita might have unfortunate accidents.

  31. Val Halla

    England expects....`

    .... Crapita to make a fortune.

  32. Tom 7 Silver badge

    As a pacifist

    I welcome our new incompetent military overlords.

  33. FlossyThePig

    What Navy?

    Isn't the Navy rebranding as "Boris's Fishing Protection Services"

    1. RuffianXion

      Re: What Navy?

      What fishing?

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2021