back to article How'd they do that? It's classified: Microsoft's Azure cloud goes Top Secret

Sadly not an oblique reference to the Val Kilmer 1984 cinematic vehicle, Azure has launched the altogether more serious Azure Government Top Secret: a new cloud to serve customers dealing with Top Secret classified data. Still going through accreditation by the US government, the Top Secret regions are designed to provide the …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    it won't arrive before 25 December. In fact, it will only be available to ship by 29 January, handily missing the season when amusing knitted sweaters are all the rage.

    They also missed Halloween where they'd fit in nicely...

    1. jake Silver badge

      But Christmas and Halloween are the same holiday. As any decent coder will tell you, Oct 31 and Dec 25 are equivalent.

  2. smudge
    Facepalm

    Silly name

    Stupid to include the marking "TOP SECRET" as part of the product name.

    There was, and I see that there still is, an IBM mainframe access control product called "TOP SECRET", which was Government security-certified against the Orange Book (ask your grandfather), and consequently used by many Government establishments.

    Legend had it that many a salesperson or engineer had had their exit from said establishments delayed somewhat, whilst the security guards established why they were attempting to leave along with boxes of manuals and computer media labelled "TOP SECRET" :)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Silly name

      Basic industrial operational security tips:

      Don't set your social accounts to public and curate your "friends" and followers (on El Reg, use Anon when necessary). Never say where you work. Never say you have a clearance. Never say which projects even if the project name is unclassified (bits might still be For Official Use Only or other Controlled Unclassified Info/Data). Avoid certain keywords just in case.

      Labelling the very product TOP SECRET, then marketing it publicly, goes against just about all of that!

  3. juul

    US only

    Why do Microsoft insist on only having a US bases solution that cm handle top secret? The EU Aldo samt this option.

  4. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Joke

    Tasks in Teams mobile

    Microsoft and partners will also be more than happy to sell you any number of Teams-compatible devices to customers seeking something more dedicated than a PC or smartphone

    Hololens + Teams + Tasks + Clippy

    "You appeared to have located Osama Bin Laden. One moment please whilst I check with the Pentagon on action to take..."

  5. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    Azure Government Top Secret

    The Government would be barking mad to put top secret files in an environment where it does not have total control and cannot shut everything down in an instant in case of a breach.

    Then again, the current US Government is barking mad anyway, so . . .

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Azure Government Top Secret

      ...the UK Government will be wagging it's tail soon

      1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

        Re: the UK Government will be wagging it's tail soon

        That won't end well (no surprise there then)

        HMG and IT really don't mix.

        1. EnviableOne

          Re: the UK Government will be wagging it's tail soon

          not just HM's

          All Gs and IT do not mix well.

          centralised projects end up being either useless white elephants or have so much customisation to fit local use cases, that costs spiral, and they turn into a Money pit.

    2. Trigonoceps occipitalis

      Re: Azure Government Top Secret

      "... provide the same capabilities as Azure's commercial and government versions ..."

      So, as leaky as Liza's bucket, then.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Azure Government Top Secret

        Nothing a bit of Gaffer tape can't fix!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Azure Government Top Secret

      and they have the tools to shut it down when they want...

  6. Blackjack Silver badge

    Talking about Windows 95

    Is there away to set a Windows 95 VM on Windows that doesn't suck? At this rate WINE is working better than my Windows 95 VM does.

    1. Chewi

      Re: Talking about Windows 95

      I haven't tried it but I gather DOSBox is the way to go here.

  7. jake Silver badge

    Am I reading this right?

    A Microsoft product, in the Cloud, conveniently labeled "Top Secret" so the bad guys know where to look.

    What could possibly go wrong?

  8. Christoph
    Facepalm

    "a new cloud to serve customers dealing with Top Secret classified data."

    We're on a Top Secret cloud so everything is secure, so we can relax a bit on our own security.

    Well, actually, we've relaxed quite a lot because it makes things easier.

    Oh look, someone has found one tiny flaw in the cloud security and swiped everything on it.

  9. The Boojum
    Paris Hilton

    Teams will also target spam calls and digitally attest outgoing calls to prevent a user being tarred by the spam brush themselves.

    I wish MS would deal with its own Teams spam, namely the in-meeting conversation notifications that appear on my screen even if I've not joined that meeting and even if I've deleted that instance of the recurring meeting. Extra Anger Points when it's a town hall-type meeting

    Which numpty thought that this 'feature' was a good idea! Hint for MS: If I didn't join the meeting, I'm probably less than interested in the side conversations.

    Icon because surely not even Paris...

  10. W.S.Gosset Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Argh

    >It looks like yet another way of doing the same thing

    I have said exactly that _*HOW*_ many f***king times since I started in the 80s?!?!

    It gets very old about iteration 10.

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