back to article What's that about Apple hardware? Pfft, says Intel as it intros magical self-healing PC

Intel's battle to remain relevant continued overnight as it noted the shift to remote working and trumpeted the ways it might assist IT departments dealing with a suddenly remote workforce. Citing research findings that 74 per cent of companies will be shunting some employees to permanent remote work, Chipzilla made the …

  1. PTW
    Big Brother

    Self-healing

    Anyone remember Novell Zenworks cira 1998? It had no telemetry outside of the organisation, and was absolutely awesome! I stumbled upon the beta and managed to convince management to go with it, resulted in a >75% reduction in support calls for our 500+ PC estate. Undoubtedly the move to NT4 WS on the desktop helped. Happy days!

  2. J27 Silver badge

    Sounds pointless.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Buzzwords

    "Intel's approach to fighting off these threats appears to be two-pronged: innovation and unleashing IT buzzwords that include "AI" and "Machine Learning.""

    What, no block chain?

    1. find users who cut cat tail

      Re: Buzzwords

      Blockchain has been a buzzword for too long and is no longer catchy. They need to rename it.

      1. HildyJ Silver badge
        Angel

        Re: Buzzwords

        True. I'd go with neural network.

  4. hardboiledphil

    Battery

    All day battery life seems pointless if you never have to go anywhere

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Self-healing" = data slurping?

    You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    Now, if it automatically "rebooted" services that were having problems, detected and replaced glitchy drivers, that sort of thing, then ok, maybe "self-healing" would be a reasonable description. But definitely not "constantly call home with the current status of the computer", which is neither "self-" nor "healing".

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: "Self-healing" = data slurping?

      I was thinking more along the lines of opening the case and finding a miniature robotic arm with a soldering iron.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "Self-healing" = data slurping?

        That could be fun on a 2 CPU board - I'd give it 10 minutes, tops, before someone would publish a hack that would let the two robotic arms battle each other instead.

    3. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: "Self-healing" = data slurping?

      For the MS side of things, presumably it's an extension of Windows 10's annoying habit of overwriting perfectly functional and working drivers with MS versions of the same?

      Those overwrites that often seem to catastrophically break things, or at least kill off various functions and integrations and lobotomize the system...

      The case of self-healing where the cure is worse than the disease...

  6. ThatOne Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Bandwagon

    > it is actually all about the slurping of telemetry

    Why am I not surprised?

    Am I the one one to be deafened by the increasing and ever louder "Gimme! Gimme!" cries of utter greed, coming from everywhere?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bandwagon

      Ah, grasshopper, that's why noise suppressing headphones exist.

      :)

  7. fidodogbreath Silver badge

    it is actually all about the slurping of telemetry to spot issues before a user decides to raise a ticket

    So rather than do something useful like "self-heal" Spectre / Meltdown, IME and CSME flaws, and chipset key leaks, they are creating a new surveillance and (likely) attack vector.

    Never change, Intel.

  8. Dave 126 Silver badge

    Article didn't make clear this was a press release aimed squarely at IT departments. Them slurping data from their own users' laptops isn't the same as Intel slurping from private owners.

    Still, 'self healing' is definitely not what this is. Making it easier to arrange with Bob the most convenient time to swap out an SSD isn't the same as a bullet-tolerant cyborg with redundant systems and interconnects that will intelligently reroute power to core systems before continuing on its rampage.

  9. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
    Boffin

    As a field engineer (hardware only)

    ...I can tell you that there has been no increase in "normal" call outs because people are working at home home instead of the office. There has, however, been an increase in out-of-warrenty calls for liquid incursions, broken screens and broken PSU/USB ports, ie user damage.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: As a field engineer (hardware only)

      As a consultant, I can corroborate John's commentary.

  10. jake Silver badge

    One wonders how long it will be before ...

    ... Intel takes Microsoft to court for the right to exclusively slurp specific, more lucrative, data. Or goophabet takes apple to court, or ... mix and match as you see fit, you all know the players.

    Smile, consumer! You are no longer human, you are a data generator for billionaires. Feels good, doesn't it?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It better fixes those backdoors first - apparently they don't self-heal

    Given that there has yet again a vulnerability been found in Intel CPUs I think they ought to first get back to the drawing board and fix that.

    Then again, if people actually cared about security, Microsoft would have gone out of business a long time ago too, so maybe they do have a point casually ignoring that.

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