back to article From the Department of WCGW: An app-controlled polycarbonate lock with no manual override/physical key

My private parts are private, for sure, but I never thought about giving them a passcode. But it appears in fact you can slam your whole todger into its own private trouser vault that can be opened only by your partner's smartphone. Not so much block-and-tackle as lock-and-tackle. Who'd have thought the hackneyed line "There's …

  1. TWB

    Welcome back

    We've missed you (13th March.....really?...)

    1. Shadow Systems

      Re: Welcome back

      This! A trillion times this!

      *Hands Dabbsy a fresh pint & a bowl of munchies*

      Enjoy & welcome back. Your sense of humour is something we've missed around here & are happy to have you back.

      *Clinks tankards in toast*

      Now drink up! It's beer-o'clock somewhere! =-D

      1. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?

        Re: Welcome back

        I third this comment! This column is one of the best things about The Register. I have genuinely missed it! I even took to Twitter (shudders) so I could read Dabbsy's musings.


        LinkedIn Tourette's

        I love this!

        1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

          Re: Welcome back

          >> This column is one of the best things about The Register.

          Thanks, Mum!

          [... thinks...]

          Thanks, my Mum's ghost!

      2. Potemkine! Silver badge

        Re: Welcome back

        For your weekly dose of DabbsTM, look here. Enjoy! ^^

        1. Shadow Systems

          Re: Welcome back

          Thank you for that link. I've just signed up for the newsletter & added the RSS news feed to my daily dose of reading material.

          *Hands you a pint in gratitude*


    2. DJV Silver badge

      Re: Welcome back

      Yay! Dabbsy! Now someone just needs to hunt down the BOFH and the world will start looking just that teeny bit more normal again!

      1. Antonius_Prime

        Re: Welcome back

        Last person who attempted to hunt down the BOFH hasn't been heard from.

        Something about taking up Alpaca Herding in Patagonia, via the Ural Steppes...

      2. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: Welcome back

        Just look here for today's installment.

      3. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: Welcome back

        e: Welcome back

        Yay! Dabbsy! Now someone just needs to hunt down the BOFH and the world will start looking just that teeny bit more normal again!

        Both are back... Beyond wonderful news. Maybe there is a god.....

        1. Martin-73

          Re: Welcome back

          Indeed, and she's just teasing... in order to spring 2021 on us...

    3. davemcwish

      Re: Welcome back

      Yes, indeed however he was and still is dispensing his unrestrained weekly opinions on his own blog during Vulture Furlough. Autosave Is For Wimps is just as informative as SFTW. YMMV though.

      1. Intractable Potsherd Silver badge

        Re: Welcome back

        I've been waiting for an opportunity to plug Autosave is for Wimps - A couple of pieces made me laugh out loud :-D

    4. A. Coatsworth

      Re: Welcome back

      +infinity to this!

      Seeing the [Something for the Weekend, Sir] red banner was the first genuine bit of good news I've got this whole week.

      Not sure if you know it, or care about it, but you really have a *personal* impact in your readership, Dabbsy.

      1. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

        Re: Welcome back

        Thanks. What I really need, though, is social shares and recommendations. If I can't get more readers in here, I'm out on my arse again.

        1. Sulky

          Re: Welcome back

          That made I chuckle, "if I can't get enough social shares" from reading comments across this site the use of "social" is very much a no no! I've shared it though, on LinkedIn, I just couldn't think of good pithy self-agrandising load of bollocks to preface it with, sorry.

          1. ClockworkOwl

            Re: Welcome back

            Indeed, I'm very much a social (media) refusnik, but am seriously considering getting a sandwich board and prowling the local streets in my best clobber >

            DABBSY IS NIGH!


      2. ibmalone Silver badge

        Re: Welcome back

        Not sure if you know it, or care about it, but you really have a *personal* impact in your readership, Dabbsy.

        Much like the Cellmate.

        Regardless, very happy to see the return of the Dabbs.

    5. MOH

      Re: Welcome back

      Is it really that long? That's depressing.

      All the more so since that's the last date I was in my local pub thanks to Ireland's insane fixation on blaming them for covid despite the fact they've all been closed for seven months.

      Still, at least SFTW is back.

    6. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Welcome back

      Ah, Mr Dabbs, we've [not] been expecting you [back]

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

  3. Chairman of the Bored

    USB devices

    Former SO worked in an emergency room, and had a number of ... disturbing... tales about the objects guys and gals would stick in, over, and through their recreational sites.

    The one that got me was a dude with a USB cable stuck in his inflamed urethra. WTF, over?

    1. Zog_but_not_the_first

      Re: USB devices

      Peep Show

    2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: USB devices

      Presumably it took 3 goes to get it the right way round?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: USB devices

      What type of USB? Enquiring minds want to know! Type A, B, Micro, Mini, USB C....

      1. ibmalone Silver badge

        Re: USB devices

        I think 8 pin mini B is the smallest :(

        But the only one I own has a choke on the cable!

      2. Citizen99

        Re: USB devices

        Our wonderful nurses can cope with all sizes.

  4. S4qFBxkFFg

    "the Cellmate schlong-strongbox sex toy"

    As a reminder to headline writers, apparently the company concerned is based in Guangdong.

    1. Martin-73

      Soon to be renamed to gulag-dong

  5. 2+2=5 Silver badge

    Today is your life's tomorrow

    > If someone writes some bollocks such as "Today is your life's tomorrow!" I respond with "Is that the new Bond film?"

    You've mis-spelt "toady-ing"?

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Today is your life's tomorrow

      This bit was brilliant - so many UTOA tossers.

  6. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

    I'm pretty much isolating so haven't bothered to get one yet but I seen some 3d printed mask frames that do the job and hold the mask away from your mouth and nose making breathing far easier - you inhale through most of the mask rather than just the bit that isn't sucked onto your face.

    1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

      Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

      I think you mean this one:

      1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

        Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

        You expect me to click a link to a site called Doctor Whore Views while at w**k?!?

        I'll wait until I get home for that one!

      2. Mr Humbug

        Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

        A web site called doctor whore views?

        It's great to have Mr Dabbs back.

        Edit: Blast. Beaten to it while typing

      3. MJI Silver badge

        Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

        "Are you my mummy?"

        Was genuinely creepy.

    2. Rol Silver badge

      Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

      I hope the company gets sued, as face masks are designed to stop surgeons/nurses, and the rest of humankind from spluttering their diseases onto everyone else. They are not suitable as a defence against infection. A Cellmate is probably far more useful in that respect, especially if worn on the outside of your trousers, as it will be almost like wearing a "Make America Great Again" baseball cap, for the effect of keeping people several metres away from you.

      And welcome back Dabbsy. You have been sorely missed. For the first time in a long while, I can truly state the weekend has officially begun.

      1. Tom 7 Silver badge

        Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

        They are a defence against infection. Not a perfect one but it more than halves the likelihood of catching it over not wearing one. Sounds a lot lot better than nothing to me.

    3. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Re: Cabeaux tape can get a cab.

      I think I've seen professionals wearing their mask with tape across the edge to make it closer to airtight. Not all the way or you can't breathe at all obvs.

      They may have been professional actors in "Holby City" or something but I'm counting it.

      As for the intriguingly named "Cellmate" product, I read that the problem is overstated, you just need to pop the end off with a screwdriver. (Do not throw it away, you may want to re-attach it.)

  7. Pascal Monett Silver badge


    I thought the whole thing was a joke - then I followed the link.

    Dear. God.

    They actually made a todger tackle. And made it to be unlockable by an app. Meaning connected to the Internet, no less. There might be a bit of fun to be had there, for a bored blackhat tired of blackmailing companies and hospitals with ransomware.

    Funny, I guess nobody is going to go all high and virtuous about the use of the word 'slave' on that page.

  8. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Polycarbonate proving difficult? This has a useful looking table of possible solvents and non-solvents although all the possibles seem even less attractive than the problem.

    Somehow the whole story reminds me of a reported episode from student days when a particularly obnoxious denizen of halls was pounced on by several others after a party and treated with contact adhesive (who had that handy, I wonder; was there really glue-sniffing going on in those far-off days?). Subsequently taken to the local hospital and greeted by the doctor with "Christ, is this some new perversion?".

    1. Olivier2553

      It seems there is also a metal ring and while acid may help with that, it may not be the best choice, nor is angle grinder or a plasma torch.

  9. Roger Kynaston Silver badge

    Dabbsy's back

    Now all we need is the BOFH and Fridays will feel like Fridays again (well more like them).

    1. Excellentsword (Written by Reg staff)

      Re: Dabbsy's back

      We've got just the thing on the home page now.

    2. chivo243 Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Dabbsy's back

      It's back too!

  10. Chris G Silver badge


    Putting one's tackle into a cellmate,is not on my list of desired experiences.

    Neither is penal incarceration.

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Cellmate

      Perfect for all those little White House interns who are getting ready for their time in The Big House.

    2. earl grey

      Re: Cellmate

      "Neither is penal incarceration."

      I think you mean penile incarceration.

      1. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Cellmate

        I meant both but couldn't think of a clever way to write it succinctly.

        Penal incarceration implies a fairly different type of cellmate that I have no wish to enter.

  11. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    Judging by

    My NHS experiences , I'd rather be operated on in sugeon simulator .....

    PS welcome back... have a vitual beer on us

  12. big_D Silver badge

    Reliably informed...

    and wiping your arse with dead leaves

    I am reliably informed, that you should never leaf (sic) your medieval home for the latrine without a couple of fresh docleaves in your pocket.

  13. Chairman of the Bored

    If it had a mechanical override...

    ...would we have a new meaning for the term dick pic(k)?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why did they choose "cellmate" as the name? There are so many better alternatives, JohnsonJail, MeatSlammer, DongBox, CockBlock. BeefWhistleBastille...

  15. Ochib

    The Internet Of Dongs Project

    Full write up here

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I see what you did there

    > "You'd think they of all people would know that coming first isn't always the right thing to do."

    Well played sir, well played!

  17. Insert sadsack pun here

    On the subject of #bizlifehustle quotes on LinkedIn, the only one I have ever been inspired by was

    "It's not my successful friends who are posting inspirational quotes".

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I've been wondering what kind of product announcement would tempt Dabbsy back

  19. macjules Silver badge

    Surgeon Simulator 2 is on a par with the classic board game Operation

    I was going to say that Dido Harding is probably playing CEO Simulator, then I discovered that there really is a game called that:

    "Please enter the name of your new company":


    "Sorry, you lost all your customer's data, your customers all left and you no longer have any operating income. Congratulations on receiving a massive pay rise and payoff"

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Surgeon Simulator 2 is on a par with the classic board game Operation

      Would this weird toy be suitable for Dildo Hardin?

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Surgeon Simulator 2 is on a par with the classic board game Operation

      From the gameplay video it looks like they're preparing NHS staff for post-privatisation healthcare.

  20. JClouseau

    Inspirational quotes

    Like everybody else, very pleased to read you again. Have one (on expenses).

    those who post inspirational quotes or virtue-signalling tales of how fantastic their working lives are.

    That's it, we must be connected you and I. Now I don't troll them (at least not using my official account) as you never know who might hire you in the future, but these make me cringe, they're almost on par with the smurfs who keep informing you on Faecebook how wonderful the BA VIP lounge at Heathrow is (insert your favorite airline and trendy airport). With pictures of the complimentary cocktail and awesome snacks.

    Where is the "love" icon ?

  21. Terry 6 Silver badge


    Older daughter got some free beer for heroes from Camden Brewery- which she'd damn well earned. (3 months redeployed to work as a nursing assistant on a Cofid-19 recovery ward). But I'm guessing she won't be too keen on this offer.

    1. IGotOut Silver badge

      Re: Hmmm

      My friend got 3 cases of Monster Coffee. Luckily he hates coffee, so I was bouncing of the ceiling for months (wasn't so bad if you diluted it with cold milk and only used half a can at a time).

  22. Charlie van Becelaere
    Thumb Up

    Just popped in to say thanks. I don't quite need a new keyboard, but "mene tekel" takes the cake.


  23. Manolo

    Come on, Dabbsy, you French is better than that

    "a graphic designer who realised she could skip queues for COVID-19 tests and avoid enforced quarantine when travelling abroad simply by Photoshopping her own laboratory reports with 'Negative' marked at the bottom."

    That is not the story. The story is about Frenchies living on La Réunion and being refused on their booked flights home, because the overwhelmed labs are too late sending test results. They are only allowed to fly with a test result max 72 hours old and get results four, five, sometimes seven days after the swab.

    So while I still don't condone falsifying medical test results, this is not people going on holidays and not wanting to quarantaine, or wanting to skip queues, this is people not being able to return home because of failing laboratories.

    1. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Flight or fright

      We've given that part a massage – don't forget to email if you spot something wrong so it can be fixed ASAP.


    2. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge

      Re: Come on, Dabbsy, you French is better than that

      That's more of the story. If you want the full story, start with the Big Bang, work your way through primordial soup, dinosaurs etc. But that was too long to fit in two sentences, so I focused on "woman Photoshops travel document".

  24. Potemkine! Silver badge

    I loved your trolling on LinkedIn about the guy happy to find a kid willing to work for free. You make LinkedIn a fun place to visit, at last. LinkedIn is way too syrupy, tasting like a cake made of sugar only. It's good to see some social distortion there ^^

  25. beep54


    And a very happy mene mene tekel upharsin to you and yours.

  26. Imhotep Silver badge

    It's For The Greater Good

    "...a bad actor could stick their, er, oar in, geolocate every Cellmate wearer, and prevent the app from unlocking any of the devices."

    I would name that bad actor Darwin.

  27. Alistair Dabbs Silver badge


    I know that lots of Reg readers have their Web browsers set up to block ads, vids, JavaScript, electrons etc so I want to be sure you are aware that my closing music video this week is a charity single, raising money for health workers.

    I am not asking you to contribute - God knows, I'm sick of being asked to give money - but I recommend you watch the YouTube vid so that YouTube might give them money. You can buy the song at The Mission's website and the money goes to the charities etc yadda but don't do this unless it's the best song cover you've heard all week.

    Just so you know, it's like Band Aid (it even begins with Midge Ure) but everyone else on the song is 80s-alt-rock-new-wave. Even Kirk Brandon's on it and I thought he was dead.

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge

      Re: ReMission

      Given the the subject at hand (or not if it's been locked away) & a reference to Mr Ure, it's time to wheel out the old Hazel O'Connor* quote from the end of their dalliance.

      "At least I found out why they call him Midge!"

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ReMission

      Coincidentally I was listening to Theatre of Hate yesterday. First time I years, and I'd forgotten how much I like Kirk Brandon's vocals.

  28. Christoph

    Duplicate key, nonny nonny

    Duplicate key, nonny nonny

    1. Ozumo

      "Near fot, mentle gaiden, for I know a slackbmith,

      To fis horge we will go, on his knoor we'll dock,

      To try to avail us of his knecialised spowledge,

      And see if he's able to unlick your pock."

  29. This post has been deleted by its author

  30. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "two words you dread the most"

    "Staffing review" (Particularly dreadful for LinkedInners I'd have thought).

    "Unannounced audit"

    "Brake failure"

    "Engine failure"

    1. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

      "Eastern time"

      Compared to California, "Eastern time" three hours earlier by time zone plus another 4 hours earlier culturally. No amount of waking up early makes them happy.

    2. dajames

      Two words you dread the most

      You can't beat the classics: Death and Taxes.

  31. FlippingGerman


    I can get TWO doses of Dabbsy directed straight to my face every week?

  32. Franco Silver badge

    "LinkedIn Tourettes"

    This very much made me laugh. Self-aggrandizing twats are pretty much standard on LinkedIn but they are particularly vocal at the moment. It just makes me think of Kevin Bridges and his new idea for a celebrity chat show called "Did Ye, Aye?" NSFW.

  33. Olivier2553

    Cellmate at last

    After I read bout that story last week in the Bangkok post (a very technology oriented newspaper, not) I was wondering why ElReg never covered that cock-up.

    It has been remedied too.

    Welcome back Mr Dabbs.

  34. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Welcome back Dabbsy...

    ...your column was all but forgotten by now (was it really that long?)

    Hope there'll be more to come :)

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    I only just got to this excellent article this morning (Monday); would’ve really helped on Friday. Anyone else have a shit Friday in IT?

    Need thumbs up buttons for articles.

  36. hlb244

    Welcome back. Your column and the accompanying comments has been missed

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