back to article Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of 'Advanced Night Repair' skin cream helping NASA to commercialise space

Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of "Advanced Night Repair" skin serum and the suitable-for-zero-G “CosmoSkin” cosmetics-in-space project. No, The Register has not set its calendars to April 1st – this stuff is real. Cosmetics house Estée Lauder last Friday announced that “the brand’s iconic Advanced Night …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Given the ISS is a space station, the first beauty product I'd stock would be the M41A1 Pulse Rifle. Looks beautiful, after all.

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Alien

      "Given the ISS is a space station, the first beauty product I'd stock would be the M41A1 Pulse Rifle. Looks beautiful, after all."

      Remember: short, controlled bursts

      1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
        Mushroom

        No way! I always go straight to the pump-action grenade launcher to really settle some alien hash!

        1. Kane Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          What the hell am I supposed to use, man? Harsh language?

  2. Chris G Silver badge

    Who wouldn't

    Want to look their best before engaging with a face hugger while exploring a new mining colony?

    1. DJO Silver badge

      Re: Who wouldn't

      Not sure about that story line but I did notice in the Starship Troopers documentaries no mention was made of the combat beauticians and hairdressers.

      No matter how bad the battle, the lady warriors would emerge while sometimes tastefully dirty but always perfectly made up with pristine hair. The only logical explanation is they have teams of heroic make-up artists who work under fire.

      .... Would you like to Know More?.....

    2. Kane Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Who wouldn't

      "Want to look their best before engaging with a face hugger while exploring a new mining colony?"

      Hey Chris G, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

      1. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Who wouldn't

        "have you ever been mistaken for a man?"

        Frequently, I have been a fairly ugly man (and boy) for the past 69 years!

        I would regard my question as rhetorical but like irony it seems to go above some people's heads.

        1. Robert Grant Silver badge

          Re: Who wouldn't

          It's a line from Aliens, mate. Remember, every time you say "some people" you sound like a fishwife character from a 70s comedy.

      2. Glen 1 Silver badge
        Alien

        Oblig

        No, have you?

        Context: YouTube Link

  3. Wellyboot Silver badge
    Joke

    !..?

    Next up, astronaut Marcel modelling the latest overall & slipper combo with daring applications of chrome effect velcro & matching hair net.

    Looking your best is important, you never know who you might bump into on the ISS...

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: !..?

      Well, you saw the designer spacesuits for the Crew Dragon, yes? Makeup is just the next step.

  4. Andy The Hat Silver badge

    Time to hit the retros

    Commercialisation for scientific or simply humanity's gain is one thing but if we've got down to the level of using resupply missions and a milti-billion dollar space station to advertise gloop for the gullible it's time to de-orbit and spend the money on science.

    1. Glen 1 Silver badge

      Re: Time to hit the retros

      Its the disposable income of the gullible that is ultimately paying for the trip.

      While I'd prefer the commercialisation to be a high-tech thing, if NASA can reduce their costs through sponsorship, I can only see a problem if it starts interrupting/interfering with the space work.

      1. Smooth Newt Silver badge
        Meh

        Re: Time to hit the retros

        While I'd prefer the commercialisation to be a high-tech thing, if NASA can reduce their costs through sponsorship, I can only see a problem if it starts interrupting/interfering with the space work.

        There is an high price to be paid for this sort of sponsorship. Space travel doesn't seem nearly so exciting when it is just another advertising vehicle, especially as it becomes beholden to those sponsors.

        Memo from the management - you can't do X because it will piss Y off and they might reduce their marketing spend with us, but if you do Z instead then it will showcase further sponsorship opportunities for other commercial partners. And we really need that money now more than ever because the Government has already cut our budget because of what we are getting through sponsorship.

        1. Glen 1 Silver badge

          Re: Time to hit the retros

          That would come under the heading of "interfering with the space work".

          Think of it as a sports sponsorship. You know the team, you know the game. Having a sponsor try to interfere with the game will piss off a lot of potential customers.

          "you can't do X because it will piss Y off ... Government has already cut our budget "

          Governments/space agencies have their own objectives separate from the commercial sector. If they actually want to get stuff done, they have to pay for it. Contributions from sponsors are greatly appreciated, thanks, but if an advertiser pulling funding jeopardises an actual mission, was the mission viable in the first place?

    2. jake Silver badge

      Re: Time to hit the retros

      Concur.

      My 105 year young Great Aunt takes great care to explain to all the young ladies in the family that they have been advertising crap like that for longer than she has been alive, and yet somehow her friends who use and swear by the stuff have always been ugly as sin ...

    3. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Time to hit the retros

      It will be interesting to see NASA's feelings about it's ' new found openess (to commercial exploitation)' after the subsequent pseudo-scientific ad campaigns that will be fired at the gullible and the facially challenged.

    4. Kubla Cant Silver badge
      WTF?

      Re: Time to hit the retros

      Its the disposable income of the gullible that is ultimately paying for the trip.

      While I'd prefer the commercialisation to be a high-tech thing, if NASA can reduce their costs through sponsorship, I can only see a problem if it starts interrupting/interfering with the space work.

      Sadly, it's actually the disposable income of NASA that is bankrolling this absurd venture.

      According to New Scientist (paywalled, unfortunately), NASA is paying more than $70,000 to ship each kilogram of supplies to the ISS, but is charging $10,000/kg for commercial payloads like this. So it's a loss-leader to the tune of $60,000/kg.

      The other commercial payload planned is "luxury goods and memorabilia" such as a “Flown to the ISS” sticker for €199, a bookmark for €299 or a postcard featuring a classic NASA photo for €499. I don't know which is the most ludicrous.

  5. Detective Emil

    Smoother and less lined?

    Sounds like just the thing for sealing that tricky leak in the ISS' skin that has yet to be tracked down.

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Smoother and less lined?

      One wonders if they have talked to Aeroseal about Aerobarrier ... Worked wonders on a friend's leaky Victorian farmhouse. During the morning installation, they put a piece of screen over a 4" dryer vent hole. The screen was completely plugged by their product. Cleanup was minimal, and we continued working in the house that afternoon. Recommended.

  6. KittenHuffer Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    The first thing new technologies get used for ......

    Does this mean we're gonna see video of astronauts squirting cream over each others faces?!?

    I'll keep an eye open on PornHub for that one!

    One night over Paris ------------------>

  7. lglethal Silver badge
    Boffin

    Interesting negotiations...

    The ISS is an International space station (clue is in the name). Do all the main Parties (NASA, ESA, JAXA, Roscosmos) need to agree before these commercialisation ventures take-off (pun intended ;) ). And how does the money get split?

  8. UCAP

    My first reaction when I read this ...

    W......T......F!

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My wife doesn't use make up of any sort, because I don't like the taste of it. And in actual fact, most women actually look better without that greasy coloured slime all over their faces.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      'Greasy coloured slime' is foundation, which yes, most women look better without. If a woman does look better with it, it will be because she has applied it so judiciously that no-one can tell she is wearing it.

      The cream in the article is night cream, which is designed to moisturise the skin at night, when appearance is largely a non-issue.

      Then there is day creme, which is can be made non-greasy and, depending upon the woman's complexion, contain UV blockers.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      because I don't like the taste of it

      Come on people, you missed that?

      Great line :)

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. I should coco

      Is this the Trump?

  10. Dave 126 Silver badge

    If you want to remain younger looking for longer, the main thing to avoid is UV light, especially for those of us with paler skin. A hat is a good idea, since it also protects against rain (okay, rain is more of an issue in the UK than on the ISS). Failing that, moisterisers with sun blockers do work.

    How does this translate to the environment on board the ISS? I don't know - I'm assuming that the portholes may block some UV light (so as not to degrade equipment on board, if for no other reason), I'm assuming that basking in the naked sunlight isn't the done thing. There are of course ionising particles in orbit that no face cream (or skin!) can block.

    Overly dry air can be an irritant (again, I don't know the situation on board the ISS), and using some lip salve can be a boon to comfort.

    Ultimately, if you want to stay young looking, avoid a prolonged stay in orbit. However, when it comes to attracting a mate I suspect that honestly claiming you are an astronaut will bear you in better stabding than a perfect complexion.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Maybe it's me, but I have the impression that hats won't work so well in the ISS, or in a space suit.

      :)

  11. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    Once the glamour shots are done...

    Will we be finding out how Estee Lauder Advanced Night Repair Synchronized Multi-Recovery Complex with “Chronolux™ Power Signal Technology” survives re-entry? At $186 for a 100 ml bottle, it seems to me that you should be able to slather it on your heat shield and your ship should look better upon recovery than it did at takeoff!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Once the glamour shots are done...

      Only the wrinkly panels, though.

      1. Glen 1 Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Once the glamour shots are done...

        Oh No! The wrinkly panels are there so they can freely expand and contract under thermal changes.

        From SR-71 Wiki page:

        "The heat would have caused a smooth skin to split or curl, whereas the corrugated skin could expand vertically and horizontally and had increased longitudinal strength."

        IGMC

  12. TeeCee Gold badge

    "$186 for 100 millilitres"

    And that's before it gets hauled out of the gravity well?

    First rule of the cosmetics industry: Never underestimate the gullibility of rich women.

  13. Alister Silver badge

    “Chronolux™ Power Signal Technology”.

    Yeah. Right.

    Is that 5G and wireless enabled?

  14. martinusher Silver badge

    Night?

    The ISS orbits the Earth every 90 minutes so I'd guess that 'night' maybe lasts half that.

  15. idiottaxpayerhere previously ishtiaq/theghostdeejay

    Gwyneth must be weeping

    "Advanced Night Repair Synchronised Multi-Recovery Complex will launch into space"

    and

    “Chronolux™ Power Signal Technology".

    Sorry Gwyneth. You have been totally annihilated in the bullshitspeak world.

    Your only comeback (in my nonbullshitspeak world) is to straddle the space station and hump the fucking thing. But please make sure you don't scratch the paintwork with the rocks, gems or whatever bullshit that you have shoved up your twat.

    Cheers… Ishy

  16. Kubla Cant Silver badge
    Windows

    Slathering not allowed

    Apparently the Estée Lauder gloop won’t be used on the ISS. They have very select personal hygiene products that have been tested and approved to ensure they don’t mess up the hardware.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Slathering not allowed

      personal hygiene products that have been tested and approved to ensure they don’t mess up the hardware.

      Is that what is on the box of erectile cream?

      Asking for a friend. :)

  17. Mike 137 Silver badge

    "Advanced Night Repair Synchronized Multi-Recovery Complex" with "Power Signal Technology", and “deep- and fast-penetrating hydrating serum” .

    Baloney supported by brilliant marketing. I'm surprised (although maybe not as surprised as that) at NASA falling for it. It wouldn't have in their Saturn days.

    There's a delightful essay in The Wine of Life & Other Essays on Societies, Energy, & Living Things by Harold Morowitz (St. Martin's Press, 1979) in which he roundly debunks "protein enriched" shampoo. Well worth reading if you feel inclined to believe in "fast-penetrating hydrating serum", particularly as Morowitz had a long consulting association with NASA.

    1. I should coco
      Gimp

      "Advanced Night Repair Synchronized Multi-Recovery Complex" with "Power Signal Technology", and “deep- and fast-penetrating hydrating serum” .

      I have an endless supply of this which any NASA astronaut can have for free (in limited 5ml quantities) if NASA will fly me up to the ISS.

  18. HildyJ Silver badge
    Devil

    Required H2G2 Reference

    Remember that Douglas Adams declared that at least one Earth's humans were descended from beauticians and hairdressers, not to mention advertising executives.

    1. Kane Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Required H2G2 Reference

      Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally?

  19. jmch Silver badge
    Trollface

    Real applications?

    Given that one of the hazards of deep space travel is how solar radiation could affect the human body, perhaps a cream that helps the skin repair itself very quickly could actually be a useful, practical application?

    Given how expensive stuff is that's specifically developed for space, $180/100ml isn't even that much.

    That's assuming it works as advertised of course

    1. John Bailey

      Re: Real applications?

      Well apparently, 70% of 23 women surveyed noticed a difference.

  20. Hurn

    Atmospheric Contaminant?

    It would seem that the ISS, like (nuclear powered submarines) should be worried about atmospheric contaminants.

    The CO2 scrubber (and CO-H2 burner, on a sub) can only remove so many compounds (especially volatile organics), many of the rest are "scrubbed" from the air by human lungs (which are almost as good as activated charcoal, assuming the humans are later able to breath "clean" air and hack up the crud).

    One hopes the skin cream has a minimum of scent / volatile organics, and that no one has a bad reaction (asthma? allergy?)

    Who's the next customer to foul the ISS air?

    A tobacco company, with zero g vape pens (quite the engineering challenge)?

  21. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    "NASA likes the idea, saying it demonstrates its newfound openness to commercial opportunities."

    Give us some money and we'll whore ourselves out jump on board with your pseudo science bullshit , shitting over our reputation as scientists.

    After all , Garnier has some of the finest Laboratoires in the world

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdHFmc9oiKY

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