back to article Norfolk's second-greatest cultural export set for return with 3-metre monument in honour of the Turkey Twizzler

You would hope that we've run the gamut of inappropriate British monuments in 2020, but this one really takes the formed-meat biscuit. Blended bird purveyor Bernard Matthews has erected a three-metre statue of its most famous (and controversial) son, the iconic Turkey Twizzler, outside the firm's HQ at Great Witchingham Hall …

  1. xyz

    I'll probably get roasted for this but...

    Given J Oliver esq's recipe for carpaccio starts off with "fry the meat", when carpaccio is supposed to be eaten raw, I find the the "blend it to soup" method of protein sustenance to be a more environmentally friendly approach to animal slaughter and usage than poncing about with "cuts". When you're on social, you get it down your throat and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

    1. graeme leggett

      Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

      I never found Mr Oliver as convincing in his earnestness as Fearnly-Whittingthingy.

      1. Dr_N Silver badge

        Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

        All Johnny-come-Lately-s compared to the original, Mr K. Floyd.

        1. Mike 137 Silver badge

          Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

          Floyd? The original was probably Philip Harben (BBC TV, 1946 onwards).

    2. CliveS
      Mushroom

      Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

      That'd be Jamie Oliver, noted hypocrite, whose Jamie Oliver Deli by Shell range of snacks includes a Croissant with 38g of fat ( a Macdonalds hamburger contains 8.5g) or a slice of carrot cake with 21g of sugar (a Macdonalds apple pie has 9.5g). He even does a BLT with more calories than a Big Mac ffs.

      1. jason 7 Silver badge

        Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

        No, Oliver is a huge prick of the highest order.

      2. Dr_N Silver badge

        Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

        CliveS> includes a Croissant with 38g of fat ( a Macdonalds hamburger contains 8.5g)

        I'm guessing you don't cook or bake much if you're pulling up someone for using butter in a croissant.

        1. CliveS
          WTF?

          Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

          Dr_N> I'm guessing you don't cook or bake much if you're pulling up someone for using butter in a croissant.

          I cook and bake a lot, including croissants (and other Viennoiseries ), but you obviously missed my point. If you're going to push a healthy eating range of foods, then maybe pick something that by its nature doesn't required significant quantities of fats. If you look at the nutritional information for his Deli range, there are only 6 items flagged "green" for fats out of 75 items in total, and 5 of those are fresh fruit (apples, green grapes, red grapes, pineapple chunks, and melon chunks). If you only look at saturated fats, only 22 are flagged "green", while 35 are flagged as "red". Salt content is predominantly "red" or "amber", and only on sugar does his Deli range score well with 50 items flagged "green". If the guy is going to criticise convenience food for being unhealthy then he should make sure his own range of what are most definitely convenience foods are healthy. Otherwise it is fair to brand him a hypocrite.

    3. iron Silver badge

      Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

      My partner, who has Italian heritage, went for lunch in his "Italian" restaurant in Glasgow once. She would have rather gone anywhere else but her friend wanted to try Jamie Oliver's place. She said it was the worst "Italian" food she'd ever tasted, supermarket pasta is better, and we weren't surprised when it went bust.

      1. J27 Bronze badge

        Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

        Every "Jamie's Italian" restaurant here in Canada closed down due to lack of customers...

        In his defense, a lot of his recipes and cookbooks are pretty good.

    4. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: I'll probably get roasted for this but...

      When you're on social, you get it down your throat and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

      And what about your meal?

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My dog refused to eat it.

    Went to a friends for supper and brought the dog for their kids to play with. I'd forgotten that his wife had gone vegetarian and expected everyone else to eat likewise. Her one nod to us meat eaters was to serve those god-awful turkey things. I thought it tasted vile so slipped it under the table to the dog. He greedily snorted it off my palm, chewed a few times, then promptly barfed it up all over the floor. SWMBO was Not Amused at the pooches critique of her culinary offerings. I spent the night in the proverbial dog house for my actions.

    It says something when even the *DOG* pukes from the "food".

    1. martinusher Silver badge

      Re: My dog refused to eat it.

      Which is a good reason to cement this material -- I don't think its right to call it 'food' -- in history. Part tounge in cheek, part a warning to our descendants (like the warning symbols on a nuclear waste repository?).

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: My dog refused to eat it.

        It's still infinity more 'food' than any vegan shit.

        1. Evil Auditor Silver badge

          Re: My dog refused to eat it.

          I fully agree. And I'm impressed and likewise disgusted by what you have tasted. That makes we wonder: is there any significant difference in taste between vegans' and a non-vegans' dump?

        2. ICL1900-G3

          Re: My dog refused to eat it.

          Try not to be a twat, there's a chap..

      2. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: My dog refused to eat it.

        Part tounge in cheek

        Tongue and cheek, two traditional cuts now rarely seen.

    2. hoola Bronze badge

      Re: My dog refused to eat it.

      A very similar experience where at a large picnic with several families kids and some dogs someone had provided something similar made of reclaimed gubbins. One of the dogs snaffled a few and also horked it back up few seconds later. A (small) kids sandal as an after to recover from the experience appeared to have no such ill effects.

      Some of the stuff we buy as fast food or convenience food at home really is the stuff of nightmares.

  3. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Pint

    Not real turkey...

    but an amazing facsimile!!

    (You'll need a few beers to wash it down.)

    1. SW10
      WTF?

      On being sold a turkey

      Am I right to assume that Nutritionist Dr Sarah Schenker‘s “research” into the Twizzler Goodness Quotient was funded by Bernard Matthews?

  4. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

    I don't think that Jamie Oliver quite understands that in what we laughing call real life, things aren't so simple

    1. Stork Silver badge

      I think he does. He is dyslexic, part of his business failed, but he has not just rolled over. He put part of his own money back into it.

      As opposed to a number of celebrity chefs, he has used his fame to push for better food for those who need it most (even if not totally consistent). I respect him for that.

      He may well be unbearable in person

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This was just a wonderful example of someone starting to belive their own ego, he honestly thought he had the right to tell people, many of whom didnt have a great deal of money how to feed their kids.

    I have to admit I had a small smile when his restaurants failed after he decided it was ok to charge what he did for a lacklustre portion of pasta!

    1. Dom 3

      "thought he had the right to tell people, many of whom didnt have a great deal of money how to feed their kids." ICBVW but as I remember it, it was the schools not the parents he was aiming at.

      1. g7rpo

        iirc he spent a lot of time lambasting parents who provided lunches which he considered "unsuitable"

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          You mean the ones pushing chips, burgers, crisps, chocolate bars, cream cakes and bottles of fizzy drink through the school railings?

          On that he was right.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Jamie had to move out of his place in Hampstead a few years ago because it was opposite the Holly Bush pub(*) and he was annoyed that at closing time the locals would pour out shouting "Oi, Jamie, do us a fry-up!"

      (*)the Holly Bush was one of the things deemed not Y2K-compliant. It was built c1790 and probably London's last gas-lit pub... that was until the insurance company deemed it a fire risk

      1. hoola Bronze badge

        In the 70s we used to visit a Great Gran who at 100 still had gas lights because electricity was too dangerous. She would wander round with one of those wax tapers lighting the bloody things dripping stuff everywhere.

        The house was a museum from the 1900s.

        Coal fired range in the kitchen and a cast iron gas ring that (the sort of thing they boil pitch on)

        A fridge that consisted of some sort of porous ceramic outer with a recess on the top to put water in. The evaporating water cooled the contents.

        The only concession to "modern" was an immersion heater for hot water that was always turned off (because it was too dangerous).

    3. jason 7 Silver badge

      Well they were not really his restaurants. A chain paid him a lot of money to put his name on them and turn up to mug to camera when one opened. That was about it.

      Oliver himself only had one or two restaurants he owned.

  6. Danny 2 Silver badge

    Snood snarkey

    They waited until Jamie Oliver got fat, then resurrected Bernard Matthews using genetically engineered turkey DNA to reap revenge.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Snood snarkey

      Revenge of the gobble-gobble.

  7. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge

    Mmm: Packed full of salmonella, listeria and e.coli goodness

    "Bernard Matthews has listened to the public and completely transformed Turkey Twizzlers into a much-improved product."

    That's good to hear. I was initially thinking they were just jumping on the bandwagon. Pre-empting that post-brexit trade deal with Trump when we surrender our food standards, allow no end of abominations from America, while making it illegal to list exactly what ingredients it contains lest American shit-shovellers are disadvantaged by doing so.

    I'd hate to see the US forcing their shite down our throats without our favourite turkey slaughterer being able to profit from that.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Mmm: Packed full of salmonella, listeria and e.coli goodness

      "US chickens 'literally sitting in each other's waste' says RSPCA"

      https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/aug/17/us-chickens-literally-sitting-in-each-others-waste-says-rspca-brexit

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Mmm: Packed full of salmonella, listeria and e.coli goodness

      Oh good, another anti-Brexit rant. And you even got to mention the Orange One as well. That's two points for you in Braindead Bingo.

  8. fajensen Silver badge
    Angel

    Is that a fact?

    "The fact it's taken Bernard Matthews 15 years to reformulate the Turkey Twizzler shows what a truly terrible product it used to be."

    Alternatively, It could have taken them 15 years of solid Tory party donations (and the boost from an upcoming no-deal Brexit) to undermine UK food standards enough to make them declare 40% more of whatever was originally in that thing to be "Meat"!?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is that a fact?

      "15 years of solid Tory party donations (and the boost from an upcoming no-deal Brexit) "

      Citation needed. Or just another braindead anti-Tory, anti-Brexit rant. You lost, get over it.

      1. CliveS
        Devil

        Re: Is that a fact?

        >You lost, get over it.

        There should be an equivalent of Godwin's Law for any discussion that mentions UK standards. Something like "As a discussion of UK standards grows longer, the likelihood of a mention of Brexit and 'You lost, get over it', increases."

        To which the only possible response is, "You won, own it". Icon for Brexit supporters who wilfully refuse to concede any downsides.

      2. ICL1900-G3

        Re: Is that a fact?

        Sadly, we'll all have to get over it...If you have such firm belief in your convictions, why not be a big boy and not post anonymously.

  9. Scroticus Canis
    Trollface

    I never heard J Oliver Esq. rail against Turkey Twizzlers ......

    .... Turkey Twithlers on the other hand I did.

  10. Scroticus Canis
    Boffin

    Unbaked koeksister‽

    Not surprised as they are deep fried. Double twist of doughnut dough fried and then dipped in sugar syrup until it gains twice its cooked weight in sucrose - revoltingly sweet to most but loved by the locals. Explains the diabetes rate in SA.

  11. 2+2=5 Silver badge

    Now with 67-70 per cent real turkey!

    > But the remaining 30-odd is still a bit of a grey area.

    Brain?

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Now with 67-70 per cent real turkey!

      Taint.

      1. Kane Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Now with 67-70 per cent real turkey!

        Taint' so!

  12. Stuart Castle Silver badge

    I rate them about as highly as I do Sunny D. I have to admit, I used to love the flavour of Sunny D, but was put off when I was eating lunch with a friend from work. We were sitting on the grass, and he poured some of his Sunny Delight on the lawn. It was still there, in a puddle, sitting on top of the grass in much the same way oil sits on water, when we left.

  13. MrMerrymaker Bronze badge
    Pint

    Mr Oliver not so tasty

    While you can arguably admire his stance (if not his crumbling restaurant empire), I've always found him massively overrated as a chef.

    Okay, I'm basing this on two things.

    1. The propensity to use olive oil in everything. I suspect it's because it is "healthier" than some other kinds of oil but sometimes it is just wrong.

    2. His curry recipes involving buying ready-made curry paste. I suspect because he thinks those who can't cook want it to be "easy".

    1. tiggity Silver badge

      Re: Mr Oliver not so tasty

      @MrMerrymaker

      TBF some pastes are OKish (e.g. Pataks)

      Making your own can be expensive.

      I used to live in a big city with easy walking access to a few Asian supermarkets, could get large amounts of ingredients cheap (and plenty of stuff fresh, always liked having fresh methi leaf as an option as very different to using the dried seeds)

      When I moved to the sticks, the prices in shops for small amounts of ingredients was eye wateringly expensive (and a far more limited choice) so I do now "cheat" and use small amounts of paste as a base sauce ingredient (as well as adding other stuff) just to save a bit of cash & because it has flavour undertones of stuff I cannot get locally (e.g. tamarind)

      .. Yes I know I should really look at sourcing decent sized amounts at a good price dried ingredients online so no need to say it!

  14. BebopWeBop Silver badge

    As soon as someone is described as a 'self-proclaimed nutritionist' in the press I give up reading.

    1. Mike 137 Silver badge

      As soon as someone is described as a 'self-proclaimed nutritionist'

      Agreed! A 'self proclaimed' anything is suspect, particularly if they proclaim loudly and often. Being famous for being famous is a burden our culture has not yet shaken off, and it's a burden we, the non-famous, have to bear.

  15. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
    Childcatcher

    So much to unpack

    "They now have a nutritional profile they can be confident in..." Nutritional profile? Does this imply if I look at it sideways, I will feel confident about it, but actually examining what it is straight on will lead to my questioning the product?

    "high in good quality protein" Compared to what? Define "good quality protein". Is this intended to mean that there is little filler and things that are bad for you (sodium, bits of undesirable turkey and non-turkey that are being hidden by processing)? I mean obviously this product will be loaded with this, at least there is some good stuff in it and if we could just filet it out, then we would have a winner.

    "lower in fat, saturates, salt and sugar" Again, compared to what? If it is in comparison to something truly terrible, then reducing the percentage of bad stuff down a point or two through the addition of sawdust* is not really a good fix, but it would make this statement factual.

    * I am using sawdust as an example, not claiming that it is actually being used in this case. It has been used as filler in the past, especially in bread, but an internet search for "lean, finely textured beef" will provide results a bit more on point. Yum!

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