back to article Two large flightless birds walk into a bar... The pub's owner was not emused *ba-dum tsh*

Heads up, folks. Australia's at it again. From the country that brought you "mortal wombat" comes news that two emus have been barred from an outback pub for "bad behaviour". According to local reports, "Carol" and "Kevin" had been brought up in the remote Queensland village of Yaraka – population 20 – and were quite the hit …

  1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
    Coat

    looks like those big buggers are now Ostrich-sized.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  2. b0llchit
    Coat

    Cross-species sentiment detected

    "Even a very friendly emu can get aggressive... mainly in the breeding season... I've had them chase me up onto the top of a truck."

    I sincerely believe that "breeding" interruption incites aggressive behaviour in a multitude of species, humans including. Those same humans will also chase any onto the top of a truck, well, they will be behind the wheel in the process, but that is a detail. Humans with the most aggressive reaction will will surely be the same humans with the largest trucks.

    1. bonkers

      Re: Cross-species sentiment detected

      the post above reminds me of the American tourist on the Isle of Skye:

      Upon seeing two dogs copulating in the street, she assailed the local plod, complaining that it was an affront to dignity.

      I'm sorry Madam, what do you suppose I should do about it ?

      Can't you stop them? - give them a biscuit or something?

      Madam, would you stop? for a biscuit?

      1. Psmo Silver badge
        Go

        Re: Cross-species sentiment detected

        Probably depends on the biscuit.

        A refreshment break might be a welcome addition to the usual proceedings.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Devil

          Re: Cross-species sentiment detected

          Rain stopped play, so we stopped for an early tea...

          Oh dear. Now I'm thinking about Geoffrey Boycott's firm forward defensive stroke.

          Also, porn films could have an intermission, where icecream is served.

          1. macjules Silver badge

            Re: Cross-species sentiment detected

            Failing that, a bucket of water or a box of tissues.

            1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

              Re: Cross-species sentiment detected

              Now I'm imagining the advert coming up during porn that says, "After this entertainment you can have the perfect curry at the Rajistan Tandoori - just five minute's walk from this theatre". In that really loud, booming voiceover, that you only heard on cheap cinema adverts.

  3. You aint sin me, roit
    Coat

    Don't blame the birds...

    They were egged on by the locals!

    Mine's the one with emu repellent spray in the pockets...

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge

      Re: Don't blame the birds...

      Yeah no sense getting into a flap about it.

    3. Marketing Hack Silver badge
      Go

      Re: Don't blame the birds...

      Who would have thought that emus are apparently rather flighty birds?

    4. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Don't blame the birds...

      Those birds must've ruffled a few feathers.

  4. Chris G Silver badge

    I refuse to believe that an outback Australian used a term like 'toileting' to describe a large scraggy bird taking a dump on his bar floor.

    Bootnote: I had an acquaintance who farmed in Kent, he tried farming emus and ostriches for a while, he said the biggest advantages over chickens was the eggs made family sized omelettes and if a fox broke in, it didn't stick around for long!

    1. RobThBay

      I was wondering about term toileting as well. What word or phrase did he really use?

      1. Symon Silver badge
        Coat

        Did they have diar-rhea? --->

        1. David 132 Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Upvote. That pun rocs.

          1. john 103

            I can't take any moa these puns

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "Bastards treated the place like a friggin' dunny. And where's me bloody beer?"

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          "Yer tinny's being cracked open by the emus. They've learned to bloody use ring-pulls!"

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        They were probably told to 'tone it down a bit' as the news report was liable to go worldwide and, without access to an Aussie Susie Dent, found they couldn't think of an alternative to 'sh...... erm... pooing...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Aussie Susie Dent is David Astle. Aussie Rachel Riley is Lily Serna.

      4. Denarius Silver badge

        media

        Pub owner trying to reduce offense. This to Oz journos. Local excuse for a broadcasters "entertainment" seem to have comedians (allegedly) who F bomb routinely. Weird how outback characters once noted for being a bit coarse now are more restrained in speech than inner city dwellers.

    2. Imhotep

      First time I have heard the word "toileting" and toilet used as a verb.

      The language is evolving in strange ways.

      1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

        Yep, people are leveraging toileting for all they are worth.

      2. Flip

        re: The language is evolving in strange ways

        The language went to hell when Google became a verb...

      3. DJV Silver badge

        The language is evolving in strange ways

        The language is devolving in shit ways.

        FTFY

    3. Aussie Doc Bronze badge
      Paris Hilton

      Actually...

      ...it's not that unusual here in Oz for Outback® folks to use terms like 'toileting' when being interviewed - it helps make us sound like we haf sum edumakashun.

      My favourite response to any question is "Well, we're not here to fuck spiders". Raises many an eyebrow, I can tell you.

      Pearl clutchers gonna clutch pearls.

      She has raised eyebrows --------------------------------->

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Actually...

        In Soviet Australia, spiders fuck you...

  5. Roger Kynaston Bronze badge
    Coat

    Wa the ghost of Rod Hull seen in the village?

    I've got and am off!

  6. Making Bacon
    Coat

    Incoming!

    For over 30,000 years humans gave social "likes" by sharing beads made from ostrich eggs.

    I guess you might call them emu-jis.

    I'll get my coat ...

  7. lglethal Silver badge
    Devil

    They should just be grateful they dont have a dropbear infestation. They wouldnt have any customers left if that was the case!

    1. AdamT

      Yup, really dangerous they are, I saw it on the telly:

      https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/australasia/koala-prank-drop-bear-tv-reporter-full-body-armour-australia-debi-edward-a9281351.html

  8. chivo243 Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Toilet as a verb!

    Ya don't hear that very often!

    1. Imhotep

      Re: Toilet as a verb!

      It is the new normalcy.

      1. Youngone

        Re: Toilet as a verb!

        Yes, I'm normalling at the moment.

        1. Denarius Silver badge

          Re: Toilet as a verb!

          Indeed, Users flush with success

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well, as someone known for many, many years as "Emu" (long and convoluted story) I can confirm that they can get quite aggressive - in the test & calibration department where I was at the time, we had a policy if not getting mad, just even. If it involved blowing people up, we did that too. Got the owner once instead of the salesman we were rooting for. When the owner found out who we'd been going after, he agreed with us.

    Heady days.

    >Waves at Sunstroke, Walrus, Barrington, Shirley Temple, Ebbsie, Janesie, Daisy, Padre, and anyone else from the former Protech Instruments and Systems Limited<

    1. Magani
      Thumb Up

      You are the BOFH and I want my reward (and not in Emu Lager).

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's understandable

    Australians Rarely Say Emu, they just call the bird an ... oh, wait you already know. No problem I'm just a Caring Understanding Nineties Type.

    1. Imhotep

      Re: It's understandable

      I believe the term you looking for is oviduct. Can we say that?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Cassowary

    Emus are wusses compared to Cassowary's. An emu might damage you if you really annoy it enough. A cassowary is likely to disembowel you just for looking at it funny. Or looking at it at all.

  12. Winkypop Silver badge

    Being in Queensland

    They should have substituted the word “shit” with “XXXX”.

    1. theDeathOfRats

      XXXX?

      Wasn't that the name of the whole continent?

  13. Denarius Silver badge

    Camels vs Emu

    In NW WA emus are noted for their destructive affect on vehicles. Seems direct hits results in a legless bird with attitude beside you in car and a very borked windscreen. Not a drop of booze in sight either. Roos just smash front up. Nearly hit camels once. Also not fun. Yet to hear of the very large feral pigs which even live south of Canberra (oblig jokes expected) which at nearly 2 meters long and meter high could be expected to outwombat a wombat for destructiveness. Love Oz, deadly wildlife, shark infested seas, stupidest and cheap politicians with some wild weather to keep boredom at bay. Look up rainfall figures for Oz SE coast this week.

    1. Psmo Silver badge

      Re: Camels vs Emu

      At least you're unlikely to run over the sharks.

      And if you do, you just need a bigger boat.

    2. julian.smith
      FAIL

      Re: Camels vs Emu

      Stupidist and cheapest politicians -

      Scotty from Marketing,

      Peter Dutton the Minister for Cruelty

      Mind you they are not in the same league as Donald the Traitor

      1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

        Re: Camels vs Emu

        "Have you asked the Minister for Rorts?"

        "...which one?"

  14. The Central Scrutinizer

    Apparently the lifespan of an emu is about 10 years, so they're underage and shouldn't have been in the damn bar anyway.

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