back to article The Devil's in the details: Church of Satan forced to clarify that no unholy rituals taking place in SoCal forest

Something wicked has befallen San Bernardino National Forest, if signs posted around the protected woodland in Southern California are to be believed. Which they aren't, according to the US Forest Service. The Department of Agriculture agency took to Twitter to debunk notices found in the region that warn: "Due to increased …

  1. macjules Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Church of Satan?

    Is that LaVeyan Satanism then? If so then they did revere Satan as a figurehead, which makes their claim, "as an atheistic religion, we don’t believe there is anything to make a sacrifice to" about as serious as the Flat Earth Society's claim that they are indeed a global community.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Church of Satan?

      But you can revere someone, or something, without believing they are a deity.

      Don't confuse worship with admiration of an ideal.

      To quote Wikipedia:

      "LaVey was an atheist, rejecting the existence of all gods. LaVey and his Church do not espouse a belief in Satan as an entity who literally exists, and LaVey did not encourage the worship of Satan as a deity. Instead, the use of Satan as a central figure is intentionally symbolic."

      1. macjules Silver badge

        Re: Church of Satan?

        I stand corrected by you and WikiPedia. I thought that LaVey initially worshipped Satan as a deity and only much later moved to atheist religion.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Church of Satan?

          Oh, he might well have, people do change their stance sometimes, the quote comes from the page on "LaVeyan Satanism", rather than his personal life.

          And, who knows, some of the splinter groups that apparently came about might have decided to commit to worship.

  2. b0llchit
    Alien

    The aliens did it

    There are surely signs of this being an alien invasion. All those missing people must have been taken against their will in round flying devices with blinkenlights. The animals are, of course, probed by said aliens and probably remotely cooked, mostly and probably inadvertently, by said round flying devices with blinkenlights.

    Warning signs for alien invasions should be considered a Good Thing(tm), especially in places where you may encounter aliens without any possibility of having evidence of said aliens after any such encounter.

    /s

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Happy

    Chanting your invocation of choice

    Gabba-Gabba-Hey - Coo-coo-kachoo - goo goo goo joob

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

      And of course there's the ever popular:

      Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

      1. Toni the terrible

        Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

        Surely not Satanic at all. Damn these Weakly God Like beings.

      2. Outski

        Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

        Not to mention...

        Anal nadrak, Uthas bethad, dochyl dyenvey

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

          Anál nathrach,

          Orth’ bháis's bethad,

          Do chél dénmha.

          ----

          Serpent's breath,

          Charm of death and life,

          Thy omen of making.

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

            About thirty years ago, there was a guy out Bodega Bay way who put that up on signs along Hwy 1, in the style of the old Burma Shave signs. He added a final word: Oroborus ... I laughed so hard I nearly dumped my bike!

            1. Rich 11 Silver badge

              Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

              The last time I dumped my bike I ended up in hospital for three weeks. Not as much Bodega Bay as Brum and chips.

      3. Matthew Taylor

        Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

        Cthulhu just needed to move his mic a bit further away. That whole thing was an unfortunate misunderstanding.

      4. KarMann Bronze badge
        Coat

        Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

        Not to mention,

        Klaatu verata necktie!

        Mine's the one from S-Mart. Shop smart, shop S-Mart!

    2. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Chanting your invocation of choice

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4GVZXvBvd-w

      Black Widow '70s

  4. x 7

    Its in California where..........

    everything is satanic

    It has to be, that's why the film studios went there

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: Its in California where..........

      This can't be an official sign, there's no mention of anything that is known to cause cancer in California...

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Its in California where..........

        They have had to change the sign from "abandon hope all yee that enter here" to "hell contains substances known to cause cancer"

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: Its in California where..........

          Just for the record, those "known to cause cancer" signs haven't actually changed anything here in California. They are a fine example of feel-good legislation that does absolutely nothing at all, except make a few very wealthy curtain-twitchers & namby-pambies happy to make large contributions to politicians.

          You can still get a gallon of motor oil, ignore the labeling, and drink it on down if you want to. Likewise, we pump our own fuel despite the "don't breathe the fumes, causes cancer" signs. And some normal foods have to be labeled "contains minute quantities of thing which some judge somewhere, despite having no training on the subject whatsoever (Duh! He's a judge!), thinks might, possibly, contribute to cancer somehow, although he refuses to let us all know how he came to that conclusion" ... but you can still purchase and consume it here. Useful labeling, no?

          Actually, I lie. They have changed something else. The signage is fucking ugly, and has made California a visually less pleasant place to reside. And they have made California the butt of jokes worldwide, for absolutely no reason at all. But that's about it. They certainly haven't made the place any safer. We still have mountain lions and bears about the place (he says, drifting back on topic) ... but I'll bet the idiots are trying to figure out how to get rid of those, too ... in an environmentally friendly way, of course. The fucking idiots.

          1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

            Re: Its in California where..........

            >those "known to cause cancer" signs haven't actually changed anything here in California.

            Yes they have, they made things less safe.

            I see the sign on the door, assuming it means you have white board cleaner or printer toner - and I realize I'm looking at a row of open anodizing baths.

            It's like labelling everything in the store as poisonous and wondering why the kid drank the weed killer

          2. Patched Out

            Re: Its in California where..........

            Well if someone were to suggest that mountain lions and bears contain agents suspected of causing cancer ... (Ed., written only for humorous purposes, I say leave the mountain lions and bears alone)

            LOL, we visited California a couple years ago and did get a chuckle out of those ridiculous Prop 65 signs everywhere. Even Disneyland has to have them posted. Maybe you could turn it into a tourist activity - find all the Prop 65 signs. Maybe make a Pokeman Go type of app to track them (once the pandemic has eased to a sane level, of course).

    2. jake Silver badge

      Re: Its in California where..........

      That would be Southern California. California is a rather large place (over three times the size of England), trying to tar us all with a single brush is about as sensible as saying Liverpudlians and Mancunians are the same ... they are only about 30 miles apart, after all.

      The early film studios tried to establish a foothold here in Northern California, but we're too laid back for those uptight weirdos, so they ran off to LA with their tails between their legs a century or so ago. Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin KBE did some of his best work up here; he loved Niles Canyon. Some say he never recovered after the forced move South.

      1. Cuddles Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: Its in California where..........

        "That would be Southern California. California is a rather large place (over three times the size of England), trying to tar us all with a single brush is about as sensible as saying Liverpudlians and Mancunians are the same ... they are only about 30 miles apart, after all."

        Surely they are pretty much the same? It's all just north of the M4.

  5. Rich 2 Silver badge

    Satanism

    “Satanism ....is atheistic....”

    Forgive my ignorance and simplistic analysis but I thought Satan was (essentially) the anti-Christ. As such, doesn’t believing in Satan also imply a belief in God?

    1. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Re: Satanism

      Church of Satan is not Satanism. The name comes from Christian mythology - God's favourite angel who rebelled against the god's rule. Church of Satan is a collection of atheists disliking rule by a Christian church. They identify with a character in a story without believing the character is real. If you like truth justice and the American Way you could start the Church of Superman without requiring members of your club to believe Superman is real. You can also donate to the Church of Perpetual Exemption without believing John Oliver exists.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Satanism

        Added to which, if your God is half goat you don't want to go around sacrificing animals in case he takes it personally

      2. Rich 2 Silver badge

        Re: Satanism

        Thanks for the explanation. It seems a bit of a badly chosen name though; one likely to cause confusion.

        I mean, Hitler was well known to like fine art. But if I started a fine art club, I probably wouldn’t call it “The Hitler appreciation society” - it could give the wrong impression

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Satanism

          Specifically Church of Satan polices the official separation of church and state in the USA.

          So when a city puts up ten commandments or religious statues on government property they campaign to put up equal statues of Satan.

          TLDR - they are atheist political campaigner good-guys (tm)

  6. CAPS LOCK Silver badge

    Oy, less dissing of Mountain Lions, they're lovely...

    ... check out the videos of the lovely Messi on that Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvph04Sh9CFKAw-gA6y-brQ

    Best behaved Mountain Lion in Siberia!

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Oy, less dissing of Mountain Lions, they're lovely...

      Messi is not exactly what I would call a typical Cougar/Puma.

      He's not even what I would call a typical cat. It is fairly obvious that the disease that left his body stunted & somewhat twisted when he was a kitten also affected his brain. He and his humans are very lucky to have run across each other at the exact right time and place.

      Long live Messi!

      1. Qumefox

        Re: Oy, less dissing of Mountain Lions, they're lovely...

        I had the honor of playing with some of the calmer cats at a big cat sanctuary roughly 15 years or so ago. While they had some cats that were no go and unfriendly to everyone, including the keepers, the cougar's I got to interact with basically behaved like giant house cats.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Oy, less dissing of Mountain Lions, they're lovely...

          So evil vicious little buggers when they feel like it then?

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: Oy, less dissing of Mountain Lions, they're lovely...

            Not so little ... but yes. Think a 7 foot nose to tail, 200 pound feral mog.

        2. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

          Re: Oy, less dissing of Mountain Lions, they're lovely...

          Cheetahs, too.

          They purr if you know how to pat them. Like a bass drum. Err...the purr, that is; not the patting.

  7. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    Then there was ...

    The dyslexic satanist who, during the Winter solstice ritual ended up selling his soul to Santa

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: Then there was ...

      Santa and Satan are the same being, everybody knows that.

      As proof, one is an anagram of the other.

      Secondly, Oct 31 and Dec 25 are the same number.

      Thirdly, have you ever seen Saint Nick and Old Nick in the same room together?

      This makes even more sense when you think about it further ... For example, who would YOU pick as the patron saint for a holiday best known for hedonism, libertinism, decadence and debauchery?

      1. TomPhan

        Re: Then there was ...

        "hedonism, libertinism, decadence and debauchery" - unfortunately that's generally not how Christmas is celebrated in America.

        1. jake Silver badge
          Pint

          Re: Then there was ...

          I guess you're not invited to the right parties.

          Maybe this year. Have a beer!

      2. EVP Bronze badge

        Re: Then there was ...

        “ For example, who would YOU pick as the patron saint for a holiday best known for hedonism, libertinism, decadence and debauchery?”

        Nutella.

        1. jake Silver badge

          Re: Then there was ...

          No. Nutella is Not Allowed.

          Unlike Santa/Satan, Nutella actually is a crime against Humanity.

          1. Qumefox

            Re: Then there was ...

            Maybe, but at least it's a tasty crime against humanity.

            1. jake Silver badge

              Re: Then there was ...

              For extremely small values of tasty. Polluted chocolate.

              1. X5-332960073452
                Stop

                Re: Then there was ...

                There is no chocolate in Nutella

      3. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

        Re: Then there was ...

        Mr Cromwell not only realised your last point but ACTED on it to protect the little people.

      4. Anonymous C0ward

        Re: Then there was ...

        A saint famous for punching heretics!

  8. Mark 85 Silver badge

    I'll stay with the real deal if you please..

    The real deal is of course the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,

    1. jake Silver badge

      Re: I'll stay with the real deal if you please..

      The nice thing about the FSM, unlike all other deities, is that we have actual proof of his existence. You can see the video for yourself here, praise His Noodly Appendage.

      1. D-Coder

        Re: I'll stay with the real deal if you please..

        Checked the video... that's more like FSM (Floating Spaghetti Monster).

  9. jason_derp Bronze badge

    Not How Satanism Works

    There's an actual name for people who worship Satan: Christian heretics. Satan-worshippers are by their natur Christian because they need to acknowledge the existence of the trinity in order to be properly worshipping the opposite on the spectrum.

    By definition, heresy is, generally, a doctrine held by a member of a religion at variance with established religious beliefs; more specifically, the veneration and supplication of a/the maleficent deity within a religious framework, while simultaneously acknowledge the deit(y’s)/(ies’) maleficence.

    All of that is very vague and generalized, but it is fundamentally correct. Satanists rarely portray themselves as heretics outright from my knowledge and interactions with them.

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: Not How Satanism Works

      Didn't necessarily used to need to be an actual Satanist to be considered a heretic.

      Heretics were considered anyone who diverged from the prescribed doctrine of those who could wield enough authority to impose chastisement.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: Not How Satanism Works

        "Didn't necessarily used to need to be an actual Satanist to be considered a heretic."

        Used to? Shit, I know supposed xtian groups who call each other heretics today, in 2020! The mind absolutely boggles at the vastness of human stupidity.

        (Yes, I know the Einstein, Ellison and Zappa quotes.)

      2. Mike 16 Silver badge

        Re: Not How Satanism Works

        Calling each other heretics?

        Time for this again?

        https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

        (Emo Philips joke, and some discussion of it).

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

  10. 89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921 Bronze badge

    Satanism and Zen are often confused

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      But only by those who do not know how to clap with one hand.

      The ninja turtles are OK then...

  11. EVP Bronze badge

    Satanic rituals forecast for tonight

    The same way they’ve got forest fire maps, the US Forest service should publish Satanic Rituals Alert Map. I propose a four level warning system:

    Lever 0 Clear heavens - no Satanic activity detected

    Level 1 Scattered chanting - localised moderate Satanic activity, stay alert

    Level 2 Prevailing sacrificing - high risk of losing your pet, stay home

    Level 3 Severe brimstone storm - go out and enjoy the show while you can

  12. Danny 2 Silver badge

    Hey You Bastards I’m Still Here - Mark Kozelek & Desertshore

    When I was a kid I read the Satanic Bible

    I was bored, got it at the mall in Ohio

    When I was older I moved out to the bay

    And at a music store, hey, I met Anton La Vey

    He was dapper and he had two strippers with him

    He played organ with expertise and precision

    I got invited to his house in '97

    With my friend Becky there was some kind of get together

    I didn't go because I had something or other

    Then he died that year in late October

    And if I'm ever near the corner he lived on

    I always think about the day I met Anton

    His old Victorian was black as Bondo

    They tore it down now a shiny new condo

  13. John_3_16
    Thumb Down

    Whattttt???

    Are these signs any harder to believe than the speech the cheeto man T-rump gave that single handedly made the COVID disappear in one week???

    Stay safe folks...

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