back to article BOFH: Will the last one out switch off the printer?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns >beedle< >beedle< >boop< >beedle< >beedle< >boop< Sigh. >beedle< >beedle< >boop< "Hello?" "Hello, Simon?" a close-up of the Boss's hairy throat asks. "Yes?" "I was just thinking – did we turn off all the printers?" "Yes." "Are you sure? I was thinking the one next to my desk …

  1. JasonLaw

    Bravo!

    Now THAT'S how you win the lockdown.

  2. Willy Ekerslike

    Boss's hairy throat

    It's amazing that so few people actually notice their own picture on video calls, even those who wander around with narcisticks for their selfies every few minutes. The most common arrangement seems to be with the camera low down, pointed up (so a good chance of backlighting darkening their face, which sits half off the lower part of the screen).

    And that's no counting those who actually forget their camera is on and everyone on the call can see them...

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Boss's hairy throat

      Video calls should be banned except for family use and even then the camera should switch off automatically after two minutes as you only ever want to see the kids, location before you get into the tedium of the "conversation"!

      1. BebopWeBop Silver badge
        Megaphone

        Re: Boss's hairy throat

        I really really do not want to see what the kids are doing (one I know is part of a startup developing their video game - so they are naturally locked down), one is a PhD student whose department is shut down and she is also the only person in the shared house, and the other is working in a pathology lab at Manchester - and rather bury. Speaking to them however I do enjoy.

        1. DJV Silver badge

          Re: "and rather bury"

          Ooh, nice typo!

          Or was it deliberate?

          1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

            Re: "and rather bury"

            No, but apt - while he was a biochemist , he works, normally on virtual autopsies.... currently back to helping in a lab.

            1. Jonathan Richards 1

              Re: "and rather bury"

              Oh, I thought you meant "or rather Bury"

            2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: "and rather bury"

              "virtual autopsies"

              ??

    2. Graham Dawson Silver badge

      Re: Boss's hairy throat

      In my case it's from up above, looking right at my shiny bald head. I should powder it I suppose, but it is fun to distract people by occasionally blinding the camera.

    3. Glen 1 Silver badge

      Re: Boss's hairy throat

      I've taken to wearing Hawaiian shirts and setting the background to be a tropical beach.

      1. J. Cook Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Boss's hairy throat

        I have a bog-standard 'post-it' note covering the lens of the webcam that I use for conference calls- I'd leave it unplugged entirely except that it has an excellent mic on it. Besides, they'd just see my cat's brown eye half the time, the furry bastard.

      2. el_oscuro

        Re: Boss's hairy throat

        I think I might have to have that scene in "Airplane!" where they are driving to the airport in the Mustang.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Boss's hairy throat

      My avatars are cartoon characters, and the "privacy slider" on the laptop is perpetually in "private" just in case Webex decides to pull a quickie on me.

      I do unfurl it when I leave the office, so I can peak in if I want to.

    5. el_oscuro
      Windows

      Re: Boss's hairy throat

      I just had my first video call today. Somehow, my picture didn't break the camera, though I think it was about to before I quietly turned it off and just listened to the meeting.

    6. PM from Hell
      Childcatcher

      office ceiling

      I have a webcam on top of one of my monitors in my home office.

      When I dock the work laptop it is set to use that camera. I don't like video calls a lot normally so I keep the camera pointed at the ceiling. Even should I inadvertently accept a video call all they will see is the ceiling.

      I'm working at home at the moment and although I am managing to shower and dress before starting work shaving has become a bit intermittent and I desperately need a haircut.

      I did test the set-up recently and scared myself when the cam was on.

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Trollface

    I'd have gone for Risk!!

    Monopoly into the Boss' domestic situation will probably result in a homicide. How many times can you roll those freaking dice before they get stuck somewhere?

    1. Outski
      Joke

      Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

      We played Risk the other night. One of the Outskit's troops in China got knocked over by a wayward diceroll. "That one had the bat soup", he said, causing me and the Outskette to crack up. (We later stitched her up and wiped her from the map).

    2. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

      Monopoly might be bad, but if you're a typical geek, hell is trivial persuit.

      After 35 questions in a row , you delibratly get one wrong to avoid having to eat one of the pieces....

      And then bang your head in despair when the next player gets a question like "In what year was the 1066 norman invasion?" ........ and then gets it wrong.....

      1. Stumpy

        Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

        Well, to be fair, it could be referring to an invasion of 1066 people called Norman.

        1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

          Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

          Theoretically, but at least one of them was called William (more likely Williame).

          1. Stoneshop Silver badge
            Headmaster

            Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

            ... an invasion of a large number of people, 1066 of which were called Norman.

            1. HelpfulJohn Bronze badge

              Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

              "... of ..." or "... by ..."?

              It makes a difference. I'm not entirely sure which is worse but one of them may be.

              1. Stoneshop Silver badge

                Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

                Not wanting to ascribe a particular motive I chose "of".

            2. Alan Brown Silver badge

              Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

              Led by King Willy-Nilly?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

            Guillaume?

            1. TDog

              Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

              Guillaume le Bâtard

        2. rskurat

          Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

          That's not an invasion, it's a Cooks Tour

      2. doublelayer Silver badge

        Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

        For me, it's one of a few less popular board games. All of them sound fun. Probably all of them are fun. Except that all of them are played with the same people, and I haven't played any of them before. These people can make many games much less enjoyable because they think they can teach me the game without having me read the instructions, they don't know how to structure documentation, and they really want to win the game which they are definitely going to do because I don't understand how it's played yet. Somehow, these people can suggest complicated games that take hours to learn and, when I suggest that I'm planning to go to sleep tonight, offer the alternative of monopoly, which is just one step above deterministic.

    3. EasyBob

      Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

      Surely it has to be Junta?,

      https://www.board-game.co.uk/confessions-of-a-modern-day-tyrant-junta/

      1. TeeCee Gold badge

        Re: I'd have gone for Risk!!

        Easy, Kingmaker.

        If it goes really well you might actually finish the game before the lockdown ends.

  4. Sp0ck

    Ha, Monopoly, my wife refuses to play with me cos she says I cheat, she only says that cos I win all the time, her fixation on Mayfair and Park Lane are always her undoing.

    1. imanidiot Silver badge

      mayfair and park lane are not actually all that great, they rarely get landed on. I don't get why people fixate on them so much

      1. gerdesj Silver badge
        Childcatcher

        I find owning everything else, the bank and G4S does the trick - "Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass Hades or a number 2, give gerdesj a shed load of cash" We have some unusual house rules.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        "I don't get why people fixate on them so much"

        For same reason so many play national or state lotteries. Poor odds but an enormous pay-off if you win, no matter how unlikely.

      3. jmch Silver badge

        If I recall correctly, the best cost-to-benefit ratios are the orange and yellow sets

    2. BebopWeBop Silver badge
      Happy

      I did cheat once. As banker to stop a relative cornering the market. For this and other reasons, I was banned. Shortly before the game was given away (when people contemplated the sanity of my move).

      1. Tom 38 Silver badge

        I did cheat once.

        It was explained to me that Monopoly is a capitalism simulation, and so its fine to cheat as long as you don't get caught.

        1. MiguelC Silver badge

          We have the cheater's edition, where cheating without getting caught is rewarded. Ah, capitalism in all its glory!

          1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

            Is there a capitalist version where the person with the most properties gets given a bailout when they run out?

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              That was a house rule when we played as kids, to keep the game going.

        2. Alan Brown Silver badge

          " its fine to cheat as long as you don't get caught."

          The game encourages it. Basically, you can get away with anything as long as other players don't notice before your turn ends. Distraction is a fine art

        3. WonkoTheSane
          Headmaster

          It was originally pitched by its creator as "The Landlord's Game"

    3. macjules Silver badge
      Meh

      We tried Monopoly several nights ago - it was like playing a board game with 3 Peter Rachman clones. Tonight we are trying Cluedo, so I will probably end up in the study with the wine bottle.

      1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

        The important thing is are you holding the wine bottle or are the remains lying on top of you?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        It was Mrs Peacock in the bedroom with the candlestick while Miss Scarlett watched.

        1. J. Cook Silver badge
          1. WolfFan Silver badge

            ‘Kinky’ is Col. Mustard with the candlestick in the bedroom while Mrs. Peacock watches.

            1. Rich 11 Silver badge

              Rev. Green has loudly denounced these debauched sins of lust and stormed out of the house, only to be caught later in the greenhouse with his trousers down, buggering the gardener's boy.

            2. Tweetiepooh

              It was cardiac arrest in the bedroom with Miss Scarlet.

      3. Big_Boomer Silver badge
        Mushroom

        It was the Bosses wife, in the living room, with the Monopoly board!

        Thanks for the laughs Simon. :-)

    4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "my wife refuses to play with me cos she says I cheat, she only says that cos I win all the time"

      I've always hated the game as being boring and lasting far too long. Instead my wife has given up playing with our grandson as he always wins.

    5. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Mister X

      Anybody tried playing Mister X and keep it up right to the end?

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Mister X

        Yes it leads into Western Promise.

        Icon - Me stealing Midge Ures raincoat from Vienna

        1. vogon00

          Re: Mister X

          I hope this is the Passionate Reply you are Waiting for.

          If not, I have No Regrets.

        2. Andrew Peake

          Re: Mister X

          It means nothing to me!

          1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge

            Re: Mister X

            We now return to self isolation..... All Stood Still!

    6. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Monopoly Money!

      I caught the still not quite ex Mrs Oncoming Scorn, paying her out-goings from the bank, while pocketing all her incomes.

      The rest of her family had never caught on to why she always insisted on being the bank, then she also insisted that it was in the rules, my challenge of "Here's the rules - Where?", basically lead to the game being abandoned & total ban on board games being played with her as the banker.

      Icon - PH as loadsamoney on tap.

      1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: Monopoly Money!

        Sounds like she is a real bank manager for a living.

        1. vogon00

          Re: Monopoly Money!

          Clench your fists, then extend just your little finger/pinkie.

          Keeping your remaining fingers and thumbs closed, insert your pinkie fingers into your mouth and use them to 'hook' your cheeks apart from the inside - the corners of your mouth should be as close to the pinkie knuckle as possible and the fingertips should touch the inside of your cheeks.

          Left pinkie then pulls left cheek left, right pinkie then pulls right cheek right which also results in your mouth being stretched...maintain the tension and....

          then say the word 'Banker'.

    7. Alan Brown Silver badge

      " my wife refuses to play with me cos she says I cheat"

      The game moved fast and ends quickly if you stick to the rules: Players must buy what they land on if unowned or the property moves to auction immediately.

      1. doublelayer Silver badge

        I wouldn't count on that. Either someone ends up with a much better monopoly than everyone else and wins almost instantly, or you get into a stalemate where nobody owns a monopoly because they're all blocking others' monopolies but the players are too invested in their own chances to do anything about it. At one point during my childhood, I was playing with some people who were far too competitive so, when I finally achieved a monopoly, I added just enough houses to it such that, on average, people would pay me the amount of money they had earned since the last time they landed there, meaning that everyone's balance stayed static while mine climbed slowly but surely. They still didn't give up until we ran the bank out of the big bills. Ah, the freedom of youth where you can waste eight hours moving tokens and it's just an ordinary rainy summer day.

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

    Superb stuff

    A much-needed relief from the drudgery of working from home

  6. Maverick

    Optional

    " there's no way any of our guards would attempt the stairs without a resuscitator and a cardiac surgeon on standby…"

    'security' guards the world over PMSL

  7. steve-b
    Pint

    acurate

    I think I'm somewhere between stage 2 and 3 right now.

    shout out to all the other locked down BOFH's and PFY's. at least it's nearly beer o'clock.

    1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Re: acurate

      What's the point of beer o'clock, when there are no pubs open?

      1. HelpfulJohn Bronze badge

        Re: acurate

        Off-licences and supermarkets.

        I think the rule about "two per customer" includes two boxes of 24 cans not just 2 cans. If so, and if we're allowed to shop for "essentials" [such as another 2 boxes] once per day, "beer o'clock" is just about all day, every day.

        It's party time at the coronapocalypse. Have fun and enjoy virtual, contact-free hugs.

        1. TwistedPsycho

          Re: acurate

          Trust me. After two weeks of furlough, at 20 units a day...

          ... booze is getting boring

  8. Neil Barnes Silver badge

    Mmmm

    Onion Bhajis... /me is looking up recipes now, I'm sure I've got all the bits.

    1. Richard IV

      Re: Mmmm

      The best bit is that gram flour is just about the only flour that no-one seems to be buying... yet.

      1. Joe W Silver badge

        Re: Mmmm

        ... in Krautland stores either don't carry it or them Covidiots bought all of it as well.

        We are slowly running out of flour, the kids go through crazy amounts of bread at the moment....

        1. Stoneshop Silver badge

          Re: Mmmm

          ... in Krautland stores either don't carry it or them Covidiots bought all of it as well.

          Try a Turkish or Syrian grocer.

    2. HelpfulJohn Bronze badge

      Re: Mmmm

      " I'm sure I've got all the bits."

      Really? Isn't that what supermarkets are for?

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Mmmm

        They used to be. Now they they just vast echoing halls of emptiness, occasionally disturbed by the sob of someone looking for a roll of toilet paper.

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Mmmm

          Better a sob than a grunt.

  9. Vaughtex
    Mushroom

    Methane Explosion

    Ah, canteen onion bhajis, I had to stop eating the ones they did for "curry day" where I used to work, as it was always Thursday....The same evening I did a college course...

    Obvious icon.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Methane Explosion

      Thursday is always curry day in any staff restaurant. Wonder what they have on Thursday in staff canteens in India.

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

        Re: Methane Explosion

        They ask for the blandest thing on the menu, obviously.

        1. Graham Dawson Silver badge

          Re: Methane Explosion

          Don't forget to order the bread rolls.

      2. Tom 38 Silver badge

        Re: Methane Explosion

        Going for an English

      3. _Charles_

        Re: Methane Explosion

        Curry flavoured pizza

      4. Outski

        Re: Methane Explosion

        In a previous life, our servers in London were named things like Jalfrezi, or Dhal, while the servers in Dhaka were called fishnchips, or RoastBeef

      5. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge

        Re: Methane Explosion

        & Weatherspoons....last time I frequented one (2014?).

      6. ICPurvis47 Bronze badge
        Childcatcher

        Re: Methane Explosion

        Our Curry Day was Wednesday. Curry Madras at our canteen was to die for. Long lines of factory employees trudging eagerly through the Midlands rain, followed half an hour later by the office staff. Happy beaming satiated workers and office staff wending their way back to their workstations (but still bloody raining). Those were the days, until the beancounters (who also partook of said curry) decided that the canteen was not making enough money, so had to be shut down. :-(

    2. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: Methane Explosion

      With no access to a coiffure merchant I've started turning all Neil from the young ones and got out the dried lentils. Amazed at their ability to generate some 10 or 20,000 times their own volume in methane. Might grind some up chickpeas for my own gram flour and try Onion Bhajis with Tarka Dhall for breakfast tomorrow to ensure plenty of room to check the labels in the drinks section in the supermarket later!

    3. HelpfulJohn Bronze badge

      Re: Methane Explosion

      Once, when my gorgeous, wise and lovely wife was in hospital, I found the hospital "restaurant" and made the usually gross error of entering it. For the first and only time I found something that was not only edible but was bloody marvellous.

      Pork crackling. I don't know how they managed it but their version of it on that occasion was superb. So much so that I went back for thirds.

      I was still sad about my lady but I also got rather well fed, too.

      Weirdly, they didn't serve it with the sludges given to the patients.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Methane Explosion

        That's because they want the patients out....one way or another...... not encouraging them to stay for a extra week.

  10. BebopWeBop Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I say, knowing full well that adding Monopoly into the Boss' domestic situation will probably result in a homicide.

    Banned in our house for the same reason!

    Brilliant column - lockdown is obviously stimulating.....

    Just as well I was not holding by beer (whoops tea) while reading it.

  11. PoshTed
    Mushroom

    Intestinal fortitude

    So, with all those Bhajis, are you the one hoarding the loo rolls,,,, ???

    1. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: Intestinal fortitude

      Do you hang the bog roll end against or away from the wall?

      Wall? Its only safe on the bloody roof!

  12. Rol Silver badge

    Ah! The joys of living at the company's expense

    After spreadsheeting my company out of a logistical disaster I got promoted from temporary agency worker, tasked with throwing stuff into the cavernous expanse of large lorries, to logistics and office manager.

    It came with my very own office, which easily accommodated everything I needed, and everything else I'd managed to acquire was boxed, palletised, shrinkwrapped and forklifted to the furthest flung bit of storage space.

    The boss had no idea I was living in his factory, but some of the others noticed my timekeeping had improved beyond my abilities, and had correctly joked I must be living there, but never did it occur to them that I was.

    Living rent and bill free was heaven and over the course of about six months I had saved enough money to move into a lovely rented flat in a nice part of town, and enough spare to secure that future for quite a while.

    It isn't for everyone, but when you're precariously balancing on the bottom wrung of a rickety rotten ladder, a safety harness certainly steadies the nerves, to dare to lift a foot off and place it on the next wrung up.

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Headmaster

      the next wrung up.

      Wrong rung.

      1. Rol Silver badge

        Re: the next wrung up.

        Thanks for the correction. English isn't my first language, as I grew up in Lancashire.

        1. Kevin Fairhurst

          Re: the next wrung up.

          Real Lancashire, or one of the bits subsumed by Greater Manchester ?

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: the next wrung up.

            Or one of the bits nicked from us over 'tops?

    2. Ozan

      Re: Ah! The joys of living at the company's expense

      I work in overseas construction projects and l always got free accommodation. Food not always included though. I saved so much money that when I finally married I went and bought a flat. Of course I yet to live there.

  13. imanidiot Silver badge

    Why suffer

    Why would the BOFH not live like a king on the companies dime, instead of suffering like the rest of us schmucks in his "tiny" apartment?

    1. stiine Silver badge

      Re: Why suffer

      He is a BOFH, he's not stupid. He doesn't know when he's going to be able to get out-and-about, so wasting food would be a crime. Also, perhaps he doesn't like salted caviar and diet bacon? He can trade it amongst his co-horts across the wires.

    2. -tim
      Pint

      Re: Why suffer

      I want to know how he is keeping the board room booze resupplied during this troubling time.

  14. Mongrel
    Pint

    "Right, time to switch the deep fryer on and break out the Fringe box set!"

    A vastly underrated series - well done :)

    1. nichomach

      We've been watching Mindhunter on Netflix and it's rather nice to see Anna Torv again - especially after the Watcher (minus hat and opera glasses) turned up as her boss... Who knows, we might get the rest of the Scooby Gang back...

  15. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Well done on another classic BOFH

    Shoutout to all the BOFH's and PFY's doing the WFH thang - where the heck do you hide your stash of carpet rolls and quicklime without raising suspicion?

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge

      where the heck do you hide your stash of carpet rolls and quicklime?

      Elsewhere, obviously.

      Some parts of your work are better not brought home. Ever.

  16. MJI Silver badge

    Working From Home

    And my dining room chair is not as comfy as my office chair.

    Do I risk the trip?

    And why is everyone else getting a months holiday?

  17. Blackjack Silver badge

    Simon says...

    Stay away of my onions!

  18. Zarno Bronze badge
    Thumb Up

    New recipe time for me!

    Never had bhajis, and onion rings are starting to become blasé.

    Unless someone can provide me with a better recipe, I'll be trying this one tonight.

    https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/onion-bhajis-raita

    Bravo bravo, food and IT are an amazing combo!

  19. earl grey Silver badge
    Pint

    thank you

    have a few

  20. 2Fat2Bald

    I've actually had something similar happen. Some mandarin mandated that all printers MUST be turned off to save power because he saw somewhere that printers draw a lot of current. So everyone runs around turning printers off before going home for the night. Fast forward a few weeks and they want to know why the printers are no longer auto-ordering consumables using the system that audits them once a day out-of-hours to see if they need any consumables.

    See if you can guess why.

    This is why they have power-save. Which these days works remarkably well, and explains why you occasionally have to wait for the thing to warm up before it prints if you print at an unusual time.

    1. A K Stiles Silver badge
      Pint

      I'm waiting for when we get back in to see how many of the devices that were turned off as we left the office have been thrown off the domain due to not having been seen for 3+ months...

  21. yas1
    Alert

    Surely in these times there can be only one Board Game...

    https://www.zmangames.com/en/products/pandemic-legacy-season-1/

    1. A K Stiles Silver badge

      Re: Surely in these times there can be only one Board Game...

      At this point, it's possible that this one is more appropriate for the future...

      https://www.zmangames.com/en/products/pandemic-legacy-season-2/

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More lockdown BOFH please

    Please please please can we have some more BOFH to keep us sane in these crazy times?

    How's Simon doing WFH? What time does he start drinking? Where's he getting his onion bargis from? How do you wrap someone in a roll of carpet whilst maintaining social distancing rules?

    Serious questions for serious times.

  23. fajensen Silver badge
    Terminator

    The kill-bot protects.

    BOFH needs to sleep and recuperate sometime.

    With the kill-bot activated and roaming Floor Level 2, maybe with some thermal security cameras feeding it targeting information .... or maybe someone with the BOFH coding skills could re-skin 'The Works' as a pretty and addictive online game, like Pacman, where teenagers navigates the kill-bot around a maze, with a layout just like an open-plan office, eating fat security guards and middle-managers to protect the food supplies?

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2020