back to article UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, health secretary Matt Hancock both test positive for COVID-19 coronavirus

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for the novel coronavirus. With the PM having been appearing daily on live TV along with, among others, Chancellor Rishi Sunak, and the country's chief medical officer and chief scientific advisor, you have to hope Britain's leadership have been measuring out their Osmans. …

  1. Methusalah
    Joke

    Perfect Timing

    He can be useful, as the test dummy for the prototype Dyson Ventilator

    1. WolfFan Silver badge

      Re: Perfect Timing

      He isn’t smart enough to be a dummy.

      1. WolfFan Silver badge

        Re: Perfect Timing

        BoJo? Is that you?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          BoJo? Is that you?

          [[[Thank You PM] @BorisJohnson] for your] [#BorisBots]

          examples:

          ** "You are doing an amazing job Boris"

          ** "People may knock this man"

          ** Boris Johnson "feel safe in your hands"

          ** Boris Johnson "actually feel sorry"

          ** Boris "absolutely shattered"

          ** Boris Johnson "great job well done"

          ** Boris "the weight of the world on his shoulders"

          ** "has done EVERYTHING you've asked for"

          ** Boris "a great leader"

          ** "prayers"/"praying for your good health"

          ** "Great Job"

          As an Aspergeric mathematician with a bit time on my hands I started noticing such repeated text patterns appearing.

          #CyborgManifestoHypothesis:

          As with other previous complex text strings, accounts posting the above Twitter messages appear to be real people, but they might also be being amplified by other, automated bots.

          Repeated exact string matches suggest hidden Command & Control channel(s), e.g. e-mail from CCHQ or affiliates.

          The Trick is to search for Boris Johnson (without quotes), look for frequent, constantly repeated phrases, and then refine the search by adding the (quoted) phrase.

          A further, wider, distributed group effort investigation (perhaps with automation) may uncover some more of the underlying structure, and the results of the findings collated.

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Perfect Timing

      Not if the deputy is Raaaaaaaaaaaaaab! It's like wanting to get rid of Trump only to realise that James Brain Mike Pence is waiting in the wings.

    3. First Light Bronze badge

      Re: Perfect Timing

      I don't understand all the downvotes on here. Surely the Dyson contract is an outrageously corrupt and idiotic act. Is BJ looking for a job in Singapore when he's finished ruining the UK? If the PM had shown leadership earlier when it was needed, and was behaving properly now instead of throwing money at cronies, then I might have more sympathy for his condition.

      Commenters complaining that we're all not being humane enough to BJ et al have not been paying attention.

      1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

        Re: Perfect Timing

        Only corrupt if as you suggest Johnson (or Hancock?) intend to secure a pad in Singapore on the backup, only idiotic if they are incapable of delivering anything and/or other more capable manufacturers have been locked out and/or this locks Dyson into the production process into the future shurely?

        1. Tom 7 Silver badge

          Re: Perfect Timing

          I think its perfectly safe to say its corrupt and idiotic. These machines are of a new design and wont have gone through normal legal testing procedures if they are going to be used. To do this when there are other manufacturers of validated machines available and waiting is a breach of procedures that at any other time would be in the courts on Monday morning.

          You dont have to get a wedge to be corrupt.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Perfect Timing

            It was my understanding that there aren't existing ventilator manufacturers lined up to deliver all the NHS needs. Vehicle manufacturers are switching over to producing what should be proven designs. Dyson's whole business is founded upon efficient ways to move air - they may have a new design, and it will need fast-track testing and approval, but I'd probably put as much trust in something produced in a Dyson plant as a car plant (even a high tech car plant).

            Time will tell and, if the existing designs can be manufactured (and validated - just because it's an existing design doesn't mean the factory will produce it correctly) then Dyson's efforts will not be needed.

            As a footnote, my opinion of James Dyson fell a lot when he backed Brexit and set to move his HQ out of the UK - but moving air (both sucking and blowing) is his forté.

            1. Circadian
              Trollface

              Re: Perfect Timing

              When it comes to quality, Dyson’s vacuum cleaners blow and the hand dryers suck...

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Perfect Timing

                Better not let my wife hear you say that. She switched from on of their uprights to a V7 a couple years ago and wouldn’t use any vacuum cleaner other than a Dyson (and I’d take my wife’s view on its performance before most others),

                1. John H Woods Silver badge

                  Re: Perfect Timing

                  If Dyson ventilators become de rigeur, then ear defenders will have to be added to the PPE list.

                  We don't really need a new design. There are already manual ventilators and a Pi, a touch screen, and a servo motor would go a long way towards turning such a thing into a basic automatic ventilator.

                  1. nariman

                    Re: Perfect Timing

                    Pretty much, some pulmonologist input and general clinical sanity and it should be good. With testing, doesn't have to be full fat certification but a lot of these "open" ventilator designs (which are open in name only) have no published test data, or even a statement to say what is going to be tested.

                2. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: Perfect Timing

                  I went from a traditional vacuum cleaner to a Dyson stick. I know have three of them in my three apartments. Try sweeping your tiled or wooden floors, then running the Dyson over them. Kaching ..

          2. Julz Silver badge

            Re: Perfect Timing

            You might not like it but it would appear to be necessary given the circumstances. Or do you think that now is a great time for bureaucratic shenanigans to gum up the works? You could get up to speed on the changes to the regulations (gov link) but perhaps that might not help your argument.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Perfect Timing

        Surely the Dyson would only be used when they are no normal ventilators available?

        "You can try the Dyson or having nothing,your choice"

        How many of the nay-sayers would say no?

        "Give me the Dyson I will try it!!"

        "Are you sure because you said we should not have these, perhaps we should not give it to you?"

        "Gimme now, I want it.....pleeeeeeease"

        "Weeeell....ok...if you are sure"

        Also, who said if they have to use the untested Dyson ones they could not phase them out again as they ramp up the normal ones?

  2. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    Lets hope

    hes ok.

    Partly because I'm not a complete bastard, but mostly because I have a huge stock of 'bozo the clown' jokes to use up...

    Can we have a surgical mask icon please ?

    1. Simon Ward

      Re: Lets hope

      I hope he's OK, because if he isn't we'll end up with Dominic fucking Raab running the show.

      You know, the foreign secretary who didn't even know that Dover was a port ...

      1. MJI Silver badge

        Re: Lets hope

        You left out a few as

        Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab

      2. Arthur the cat Silver badge

        Thought for the day

        You know, the foreign secretary who didn't even know that Dover was a port ...

        In these trying times, when we are all advised to cough or sneeze into the crook of our arm, please spare a thought for those poor unfortunates who can't tell their arse from their elbow.

        1. MyffyW Silver badge
          Coffee/keyboard

          Re: Thought for the day

          @Arthur_the_cat you, Sir, owe me a new frock...

          1. BebopWeBop Silver badge
            Devil

            Re: Thought for the day

            We’re you covering your keyboard with it?

            1. MyffyW Silver badge

              Re: Thought for the day

              I dribbled, let's not say any more than that shall we...

        2. Simon Ward

          Re: Thought for the day

          In these trying times, when we are all advised to cough or sneeze into the crook of our arm, please spare a thought for those poor unfortunates who can't tell their arse from their elbow.

          Oh come now, that's easy ... the arse is the bit they speak out of.

        3. Methusalah
          Thumb Up

          Re: Thought for the day

          @Arthur the Cat

          A truely wonderful post. Sir, I salute you!

          As for those who down voted you, I can only assume they are the "poor unfortunates" of which you spoke.

      3. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Lets hope

        >I hope he's OK, because if he isn't we'll end up with Dominic fucking Raab running the show.

        Dominic Raab / Chris Grayling - dream team

        (at least if you eat too much cheese before bed)

      4. James O'Shea

        Re: Lets hope

        Ah. The UK has finally caught up with Danforth "Mr. Potatoehead" (yes, spelled that way) Quayle, who was Bush the Elder's life insurance policy. ("Pray that nothing happens to me. If I die, you'll be stuck with _him_ and I'll be too dead to care")

        My condolences.

    2. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: Lets hope

      When Johnsoon announced his illness the pound went up. When Hancock announced his the pound went up again. Perhaps the financiers think the pound is safer when the cabinet is disabled,

      1. katrinab Silver badge

        Re: Lets hope

        Up against what?

        Dollar is down because things are looking really bad over that side of the pond.

        1. Charlie Clark Silver badge
          Stop

          Re: Lets hope

          Dollar is up because the stockmarket is up because Congress is approving a truly enormous spending plan.

          1. robidy Silver badge

            Re: Lets hope

            Pound is also up against the Euro and Yen...

      2. James O'Shea

        Re: Lets hope

        In this time of National Crisis, perhaps it's time for HM the Q to dissolve Parliament, which clearly isn't up to the job, and declare a Government of National Emergency, that is, her. While Parliament is quarantined, using the Army if necessary, and quite possibly in the Tower of London just to drive home who is and isn't In Charge, HM the Q can right the Ship of State and Restore Britannia To Glory.

        It's not as if she could be _worse_ than BoJo and his three immediate predecessors, after all.

        Can I have a hearty chorus of "Rule, Britannia"?

        1. tony2heads

          Re: Lets hope

          I trust HM to make sensible decisions, whereas I don't trust her current government at all.

          Vivat Regina

          1. WolfFan Silver badge

            Re: Lets hope

            It seems that at least two Tory MPs read El Reg. Who knew?

        2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Lets hope

          >HM the Q can right the Ship of State and Restore Britannia To Glory.

          The way it's going, any surviving members of Queen could do a better job than the tories

  3. graeme leggett

    The emergency regulations...

    ...do have their limitations and are challengable in court. (see David Allen Green etc for an analysis.)

    But IMO we wouldn't have needed so much of them if we'd taken such advisory physical distancing measures earlier.

    1. DJV Silver badge

      Re: The emergency regulations...

      I've been trying to keep as much distance between myself and Boris Johnson for years!

      1. Nick Ryan Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        I suspect there are a lot of children who wish their mother's had done the same.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          but no one knows how many.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          The thickness of a Durex would have been sufficient. But having met some of those hard eyed Tory women when I was briefly involved in politics, I have to say that's probably also about the moral distance between them and him. They really are a different race, ethnicity or even species from the rest of us. Or at least, they think they are.

    2. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: The emergency regulations...

      Ministers say so.

      This is the kind of thing that worries me.

      Drastic measures should be time limited and put to cross-party consultation before renewal.

      Really, what is needed is neutral observers watching Ministers during business at all times and reporting worrying behaviour.

      As to drones following people walking in the countryside (presumably where there are far fewer people), it just sounds ridiculous, if it weren't such a waste of funds,

      It all serves as a convenient dry run for future, more political crack-downs. Both bobby and the public will have become de-sensitised with the small ambiguous moral step on health grounds.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        "drones following people walking in the countryside (presumably where there are far fewer people"

        You'd have thought, but given some people's behaviour ... there was a report on BBC News of a Lake District farmer who had "several hundred people" walk through his fields over the weekend, and was assaulted by a walker (effectively) for disinfecting the gate.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          Now people should stay off busy paths even if they are public footpaths but this farmer was not assaulted for disinfecting gate handles. His story is that 1) he told the walker to go home; 2) the walker gave him a funny look and then 3) the walker punched him several times giving him bruises and shaking him up but not seriously injuring him.

          Do some people give others funny looks then launch into a full physical assault? Or did something happen between 2 & 3? Did he give the walker a funny look back? Did he repeat the order to go home? Both of those would have been absolutely no provocation. But did he threaten to get physical? Did he throw a punch? Did he threaten to go and get his shotgun?

          We don't know what started the fight, and if there were no other witnesses, was the footpath really too busy at that particular moment?

          1. Lord Elpuss Silver badge

            Re: The emergency regulations...

            I'd be interested in understanding more about 2. (a) here.

      2. Claverhouse Silver badge

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        Really, what is needed is neutral observers watching Ministers during business at all times and reporting worrying behaviour.

        Like Jacob Rees-Mogg, Iain Duncan Smith, and Dominic Cummings ?

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        " is neutral observers watching Ministers during business at all times and reporting worrying behaviour."

        In a constitutional republic like the USA, that obligation is expressly conferred on a free press via the Constitution. In other western countries, less directly so, but expected in any case.

        However, since the "free" press is basically the extended arm of the Democrats in the USA (Labor, Social Democrats or whatever your version of progressivism is), their interest is not in enlightened reporting and analysis, but petty partisanship and outright fake news. There are pockets of enlightened resistance in the press, but they are drowned out by the entrenched MSM. The internet is home to a lot of well reasoned reporting, but Twitter, Google and FB seem intent on removing that as fast as possible though de-platforming.

        Every country's experience is probably similar to a greater or lesser extent. The demise of anything even remotely resembling objective and informative reporting, which can be traced directly to the day the "News" became a profit centre in TV, is one of the least promising aspects of our future. We see it daily on news conferences from around the globe, where intelligent questioning is replaced by "gotcha" questions aimed at decredentialising the speaker in question, rather than an opening for a reasoned and informative response.

        The USA seems worse than most, because there is little or no recourse in law against the press, so they feel neither shame nor fear.

        YMMV

      4. ICL1900-G3

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        Indeed so...this week's Economist said much the same..'what government, having experienced such power over the people, would not be reluctant to give it up'? Or something like that.

    3. spold Silver badge

      Re: The emergency regulations...

      I assume there exceptions for world leaders... like he could meet Trump soon???

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        Are you suggestng to use our glorious PM as some kind of biological weapon in a premptive strike against our old ally The U. S. of A. ???

        1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          What a compellingappalling thought.

          1. Christopher Reeve's Horse Silver badge

            Re: The emergency regulations...

            To quote about 60% of Reddit: "Username checks out"

        2. AndyMulhearn

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          Are you suggestng to use our glorious PM as some kind of biological weapon in a premptive strike against our old ally The U. S. of A. ???

          You say that like it’s a bad thing,

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: The emergency regulations...

            We could drop him on isis. That'd cheer everybody up.

            1. Methusalah

              Re: The emergency regulations...

              @Moiety

              With or without a parachute?

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: The emergency regulations...

                Wouldn't really. But the thought is enjoyable.

      2. redpawn Silver badge

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        There would be no danger for either leader as this is just a hoax perpetrated by democrats.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          The media response to the Covid19 epidemic is the "hoax", not the virus and subsequent epidemic.

          Why tangentially spread a misquote that is clearly a falsehood spread by the US MSM?

          What purpose does it serve other than to reinforce your own wokeness and TDS?

          1. redpawn Silver badge

            Re: The emergency regulations...

            What kind of idiot are you?(Sorry El Reg. for a personal attack) The media was sounding the alarm while our LSoT (Lying sack of Trump) played politics and ignored the problem, fixating on how this could be an attack on him rather than being a real crisis. Trump wasted time and lied repeatedly to the public when he knew better, talking up the market and giving his buddies time to bail out.

    4. spold Silver badge

      Re: The emergency regulations...

      >>>

      National Police Chiefs' Council, a semi-official police body that decides which laws are enforced and how, this morning endorsed Derbyshire Police checking on people going for walks in empty stretches of the countryside via drone.

      <<<

      What could possibly go wrong?

      Why not add some facial recognition.

      The essential part is to have "Sunset clauses"

      (and I don't mean spotting people engaged in evening outdoor bonking - with possible arse recognition)

      1. tfewster Silver badge
        Big Brother

        Re: The emergency regulations...

        As usual - one law for them, another for the plebs

        - Flying a drone near people

        - Getting tested, when NHS staff and the general population can't

        - Encryption

        And don't expect any "emergency" powers or increased surveillance to be rescinded. Remember, Income Tax was an emergency measure to fight the Napoleonic Wars...

        1. veti Silver badge

          Re: The emergency regulations...

          Income tax was a good idea even before the Napoleonic Wars, and it remained one afterwards.

          If the French had thought of it 50 years earlier, there would have been no revolution and no Napoleonic Wars to fight.

          1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

            Re: The emergency regulations...

            Nahhh on two points (1) the Mouvement des gilets jaunes would have protested and (2) it would potentially provided lots of boodle for France to regain her English territories (a bone of contention from on sides of the channel).

  4. Nick Ryan Silver badge
    Flame

    Ventilators...

    I stupidly watched a clip of him announcing it. Like it's some kind of reality TV gameshow with him smirking and thinking that we'd actually care. Wrong.

    Perhaps if his* government hadn't lurched from yet one disaster to another, lying and bluffing and waffling from one day to the next the country would be in a slightly less serious mess than it is now. Maybe if he hadn't chosen to ignore the EU's plan to purchase ventilators in bulk there would be more on their way now. However his government clearly stated that they chose not to. Subsequently his government claimed that they "didn't know about it" or "didn't get the email"... in relation to an invite to cooperate that was publicly broadcast in the open for all to see. It's either gross incompetence or belligerent lies or, given the track record, almost certainly both.

    Others are starting to use rather stronger words and are calling it a starting point for manslaughter charges. I don't know myself if that's accurate but I understand the sentiment. If somebody actively chooses to not do something that would help, for whatever reason, are they culpable?

    * He is the prime minister. The buck stops with him. He will of course lie his way out of this one, it's his only skill in life.

    1. batfink Silver badge

      Re: Ventilators...

      The dog ate my email...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ventilators...

      it's his only skill in life.

      Unlike Corbyn, who's only skill seems to be to jump on the "I told you so" bandwagon.

      1. Stork Silver badge

        Re: Ventilators...

        The worst that can happen to a democracy is to have an unelectable opposition, one those in power does not have to take serious. That seems to be the case in the UK a lot of the last 40 years or so.

        1. BebopWeBop Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: Ventilators...

          A distored voting system does not help.

      2. MonkeyCee

        Re: Ventilators...

        @AC - Bollocks, Corbyn's skill lies in his ability to hold his seat and the leadership of the labour party whilst being unelectable due to a combination of how he is portrayed, how he reacts to that, and who he actually is.

        He would rather be in charge of labour and them never be in government than step back and let someone more palatable run.

        I mean, I agree with him on many areas politically, but even I have so many doubts. Same deal with Hillary Clinton. The debate has been poisoned before it began, it sucks, but a decade of slowly dripping poison will kill a politician's mass appeal.

        That Cummings exit is magnificent. Totally made my day. Had the Benny Hill music playing over it in my head.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          Re: Ventilators...

          >He would rather be in charge of labour and them never be in government

          Isn't that true of all labour leaders ?

          (Except Blair, who was really a tory leader who stood in the wrong queue at the freshers fair)

          1. Stork Silver badge

            Re: Ventilators...

            John Smith could have been interesting. I think it was a real pity he died so young, also for the UK

    3. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Ventilators...

      I am no fan of Boris, but I'll acknowledge he has at least listened to the experts (Who knew we would value them so soon?) and done his best according to his own lights.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: he has at least listened to the experts

        and if the advice they gave has not helped, well, blame the experts, not the PM!

      2. Trigonoceps occipitalis

        Re: Ventilators...

        At the start of the daily briefings my heart soared a little. Apparently the policy was evidence based - and we don't see that often. As the crisis progresses I think Boris may be depreciating the science because he is a politician.

        Whatever else he is Boris is not thick, for all that he assumes the demeanour of the fool. Like him or loath him, he was a King's Scholar after all.

        I wish him a speedy recovery.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Ventilators...

          King's Scholar at Eton, 2:1 at Oxford. And apparently still resentful of Cameron because Cameron wasn't a KS but got a First.

          Johnson seems to have peaked at 13 and then slowly, like Crowley in Good Omens, drifted downwards.

          1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

            Re: Ventilators...

            I think Crowley actually started at the top, plummeted to the bottom, and then crawled up to the middle(ish)

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Ventilators...

              I was paraphrasing what the book actually said, but I have to say that it would be quite wonderful if Johnson followed that trajectory. At this moment I'd take an averagely decent PM over a truth-averse one.

              1. MonkeyCee
                Windows

                Re: Ventilators...

                @Benson - Saunter Vaguely Downwards.

                That's the real shortage of TP in my life :(

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Ventilators...

          Evidence based? Maybe, but the cockroaches in No10 were picking which evidence they wanted to hear until enough scientists shouted loud enough.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ventilators...

      I saw it too and he didn’t seem ill to me, considering he allegedly had “a high temperature and persistent cough”.

      He talked 2 minutes in a strong voice without so much as a pause for breath let alone cough.

      He’s a a terrible actor for Cummings’ apparent scheme to show the PM as being ill yet leading the country, after all the flack he got for being on holidays for weeks.

  5. joeW

    "Well, well, well... if it isn't the consequences of my own actions"

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      ...if it isn't the consequences of my own [in] action

      1. joeW

        I was thinking more of this headline from two weeks ago - "UK PM Johnson: Coronavirus will not stop me shaking hands"

        https://www.reuters.com/article/us-health-coronavirus-britain-handshake/uk-pm-johnson-coronavirus-will-not-stop-me-shaking-hands-idUSKBN20Q1IO

        1. tfewster Silver badge
          Joke

          I think we're agreed that Boris is a cnut.

          (Although King Cnut actually knew he couldn't command the tides, even if his followers believed he could)

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One rule for some....

    So for the past weeks, we have been told that testing is confined to seriously ill people, who have been admitted to hospital, and there are no tests for the general population. There aren't even tests for front-line NHS staff, who should get them for pragmatic reasons alone (not infecting many others) even if they don't "deserve" the tests due to their roles.

    Now both BigEars and BoJo have been tested after displaying "mild symptoms". Yes, they are important people, but "we're all in this together"? I think not.

    AC because I'll probably get torn to pieces for daring to post this.

    1. MiguelC Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: One rule for some....

      While I generally agree with your assertion, and we are indeed all equal, you have to know that some are more equal than others

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: One rule for some....

        Same AC here... Oh, I agree, I just think "they" should have the decency to admit it

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: some are more equal than others

        but.. but... I though IT WAS JUST A BOOK (and one about a TOTALLY different, dysfunctional REGIME, non? Oh, the indignity of real life!

    2. DavCrav Silver badge

      Re: One rule for some....

      "Now both BigEars and BoJo have been tested after displaying "mild symptoms". Yes, they are important people, but "we're all in this together"? I think not."

      Don't talk bollocks. Charles isn't important.

  7. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. Dr_N Silver badge

      Re: Meanwhile

      Demonic Cummings, Shirley?

      RAAAAAB! FTW. ( Everyone strap in. Rough air ahead, we're in for some chop. )

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: Meanwhile

      https://twitter.com/AllieHBNews/status/1243520576007872513

      He should keep running

    3. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Meanwhile

      Warmtwinge?

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Meanwhile

      No need for Cummings to run. Lizards are immune.

    5. _Charles_

      Re: Meanwhile

      Doesn't he always run furtively when he has to come out into the open air?

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Meanwhile

        Daylight you mean?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Meanwhile

        ♫ "La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha ... " ♪

  8. Chris G Silver badge

    It's a good thing the virus affects the lungs and not the brain, otherwise we would have an even clearer case of the lunatics running the asylum.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      No brain…no effect with apologies to Bullwinkle T Moose.

  9. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    Working from/at home isn't quite as thorough means of isolation as you'd hope when your home is also the office from which the country's being run.

    1. Persona Silver badge

      It does have internal door …… and self contained flats.

  10. J.G.Harston Silver badge

    Dominic Raab's actual designation is "designated survivor".

  11. Mr Dogshit

    Never mind

    Just ruffle your hair and spout some bollocks in Latin, and everything'll be fine.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Never mind

      spout some bollocks in Latin

      What, like "Corona Virus" ?

    2. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Never mind

      Ita vero.

  12. codejunky Silver badge

    Ok

    Best of luck to their recovery

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Re: Ok

      +1 to that. Do you know how far I had to scroll down to find one positive message expressing condolences for their condition.

      Never mind, once Boris goes we can have Jeremy "Bolsonaro" Corbyn running the UK.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ok

        You don't seem to (a) understand how the Commons works and (b) be aware of the Labour elections.

        Congratulations on successful self-isolating.

        1. macjules Silver badge

          Re: Ok

          Congratulations on being a heartless arsehole. I would not wish COVID-19 on my very worst enemy, unlike so many other clearly apparent arseholes who relish Boris Johnson being afflicted with it.

          This has got nothing to do with politics: it has everything to do with humanity.

          1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

            Re: Ok

            Regrettably, BoJo has bugger all humanity. I'd probably find some sympathy for the worthless liar if he did. His government chose to do nothing, and when finally shamed into doing something it was rather too late (although not as bad as the US). All this despite all the evidence from successful countries on how to slow the virus down and to prevent many needless deaths. His actions therefore have caused more deaths than there would be have been otherwise, for this we are meant to be thankful?

            He is not stupid, and I've never accused him of such, however he cares for absolutely nobody other than himself, they just don't come into his mindset at all. The reality-TV appearance like video of him spaffing on about himself having got covid-19 pretty neatly demonstrates his self-serving focus.

            1. werdsmith Silver badge

              Re: Ok

              Even the snivelling Corbyn has set his best wishes to BJ.

              I'm no fan of the bumbling oaf but I wouldn't stoop so low as to wish ill health.

            2. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Ok

              His government chose to do nothing

              The government chose to do what scientific advice recommended, instead of responding to the panic on social media. It has a responsibilty to contain a crisis while not destroying the economy.

              Out of curiosity, what's your reaction to the Swedish response? Is it wrong, or are you just opposed to anything Boris suggests?

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Ok

            How is it being a "heartless arsehole" to point out that if anything happened to Johnson Corbyn would not be PM, contrary to your post, because (a) Labour would not have the votes to form a government and (b) Corbyn is no longer the Party leader? And you are the over-the-top exaggerating idiot who labelled Corbyn, whose politics are about as left wing as Heath's or Macmillan's, "Bolsonaro"!

            You attribute to me things I didn't write, you attack me. Projecting your insecurities?

      2. Claverhouse Silver badge

        Re: Ok

        Never mind, once Boris goes we can have Jeremy "Bolsonaro" Corbyn running the UK.

        I really see no similarity between Jeremy Corbyn and the president of Brazil.

    2. werdsmith Silver badge

      Re: Ok

      Yes, best of luck for their recovery and best wishes and fingers crossed for his partner Carrie who is pregnant.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ok

        >his partner Carrie who is pregnant.

        That thought just made a bit of sick come up into my mouth.....

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ok

        "and fingers crossed for his partner Carrie who is pregnant."

        Bojo's probably faking the infection to get her out of number 10 and allow him to move on to his next victim. (That's his normal M.O. isn't it: deceit and lies to help transition to the next one?)

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ok

      codejunk>>> Best of luck to their recovery

      So virtuous of you to signal your best wishes.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ok

      @codejunky Ok Best of luck to their recovery

      Seriously? neither of them are in intensive care (unfortunately), by their own admission they've got nothing more than what amounts to a touch of 'flu.

      Christ on a bike.

      1. codejunky Silver badge

        Re: Ok

        @AC

        "Seriously? neither of them are in intensive care (unfortunately), by their own admission they've got nothing more than what amounts to a touch of 'flu."

        Even for someone who has the flu I wish them the best of luck for their recovery. I see no issue wishing people well.

  13. Andrew Moore

    Brexit Bus...

    I bet he's wishing that he'd sent that £350 million a week to the NHS now... (only kidding- there's no way he'll see the inside of a public hospital)

    1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

      Re: Brexit Bus...

      He will if there's a photo opportunity for it. While denying that it's a photo opportunity with a crowd of journalists standing next *to him.

      *in pre-social distancing times, now 2m away

      1. I am the liquor Bronze badge

        Re: Brexit Bus...

        The journos would have to stand 2m away, but don't worry, the press photographers will just snap them from miles away using telephoto lenses, to make it look like a crowd.

        1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

          Re: Brexit Bus...

          So what you're saying is that the press photographers have been doing the social distancing thing for years?

        2. veti Silver badge

          Re: Brexit Bus...

          Have you ever seen a crowd of people standing two metres apart?

          I have.

          It doesn't look like "a crowd" no matter how far away you look at it from.

          1. I am the liquor Bronze badge

            Re: Brexit Bus...

            Take a look at this Getty Images photo that has been used by the BBC and many other sites to show "crowded" Clapham Common:

            https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/5FB2/production/_111389442_hi060759960.jpg

            Pretty typical of the sorts of photos that were all over the front pages at the start of the week.

            Count the number of small groups of people (families/couples/individuals) you can see walking along that path. What, a dozen or so?

            Now consider that the distance between the nearest and farthest lamp posts you can see in that photo is 270 metres.

            Imagine looking at that scene from the side, with those dozen or so small groups spread out over 270m. Does it still look like the "crowd" that the picture purports to show?

            Perspective certainly does matter.

    2. Cederic Silver badge

      Re: Brexit Bus...

      It's a fair point, the NHS budget has only gone up by £250 million a week since the EU referendum.

      Then again, we're still giving the EU £350 million/week until the end of the year, so that money isn't yet available.

      Now, stop being a cunt.

      1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

        Re: Brexit Bus...

        The budget for the NHS has very definitely not gone up by £250million a week. This would have been headline front page news if it did. Many lies were told by the convervative party during the election (why are manifesto "promises" not legally binding?) and have been variably repeated and repealed afterwards, but that's very different to doing anything. Which they haven't.

        The amount pissed against the wall on brexit and "getting it done" has already exceeded all the money that we have ever contributed to the EU in our 40 years of membership. We are still no closer to the unicorn fart of brexit with a deal, but that doesn't matter to the disaster capitalists or those behind brexit who don't want a deal and just want the dream of their childhood "empire annuals".

        1. veti Silver badge

          Re: Brexit Bus...

          Front page headlines like this, you mean?

          Here is a more measured treatment of the same topic. Bottom line, yes, funding really has gone up by about that much.

          Sadly, since the pound crashed after the referendum and has never really recovered (until just now, indeed, but who knows how long that will last), all this money doesn't actually buy very much of anything.

          1. Cederic Silver badge

            Re: Brexit Bus...

            As it happens that additional £6bn is not included in the £250m/week that I quoted, as it's next year's budget rather than this.

            I'll let others do the maths on where that leaves the NHS budget following the end of the Withdrawal Agreement ;)

            1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

              Re: Brexit Bus...

              It'll still be down in equal number terms compared to before the conservative party started slashing the budget.

              The £6bn being added back into the NHS is still considerably less than has already been cut.

              The £6bm is "over the next parliamentary term", which is five years. Even if you are naive and think that this will be over a single year, that's still only £115m per week. Over the five years (mostly likely four as they'll not contribute the money for a year as this gives them the opportunity to annouce it as something new in a year's time) this is only an increase of £23m per week (£28m per week over four years). Taking into account inflation and the collapsing exchange rate this has sum somewhat less purchasing power than previously as well.

              There are a lot of well written analyses of the budget at the independent Kings Fund. It pays to see what has happened rather than the rosy promises of "new" spend which is usually just restating previous spending commitments as if they were new.

              To increase the NHS budget by £250m per week the government would have to commit to spending an additional £13 billion a year. Immediately, and as a permanent increase, increased annually in line with the real inflation figure. Not a "plan over the next parliamentary session", which is 5 years.

              1. Cederic Silver badge

                Re: Brexit Bus...

                I'm sorry, you misunderstand. The actual budget, not including the £6bn in the recent budget, not including any Coronavirus related spending, actual cash spent on the NHS has gone up by £250m/week since the referendum.

                I'm so sorry that the facts don't fit your agenda.

                1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

                  Re: Brexit Bus...

                  UK NHS budget:

                  2015/16 - £122bn

                  2016/17 - £122.8bn

                  2017/18 - £124.8bn

                  2018/19 - £126.7bn

                  2019/20 - £133.3bn

                  2020/21 - £137.1bn

                  In order to go up by your claimed £250/m a week the budget would have had to increase by £13bn in between the 2015/16 years and 2016/17 years (or, being more fogriving due to the vagaries of the differening reporting periods and other arbitrary dates, 2017/18). The difference between 2017/18 and 2015/16 is £2.8bn. That is often a below inflationary increase, let alone the £13bn that would be required to match your claimed "£250m/week since the referendum".

                  The Consumer Price Index has risen from 100 in 2015 to 107.8 in 2019, which is a 7.8% increase from 2015 compared to 2019. Taking the £122bn budget from 2015 and increasing it in line with this we get £131.5bn, compared to the £133.3bn for 2019/20 - therefore an increase beyond inflation over the five years of just £1.8bn which averages out over the whole period to £7m a week.

                  Please explain where your claim of "£250m/week since the referendum", requiring an instant uplift of £13bn in a single year and maintained from that year on, are represented in these numbers. Only by comparing the 2020/21 budget of £137.1bn with the 2015/16 budget of £122bn do we see an increase of higher than the required £13bn (£15.1bn increase over the period) but when inflation is factored in this is reduced to a mere £1.8bn increase over the period. Are you trying to claim that inflation based increases in expenditure, that should happen every year, are in fact "additional"?

                  1. Cederic Silver badge

                    Re: Brexit Bus...

                    I did not claim a single year increase and my statements do not require "an instant uplift of £13bn in a single year". I used Government figures that do indeed show a £13bn increase between 2016 and the 2019/2020 budget, and stand by those figures.

                    I will not be replying further to you. Seek guidance from an English teacher if you need further help in understanding basic written sentences.

                    1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

                      Re: Brexit Bus...

                      I did not claim a single year increase and my statements do not require "an instant uplift of £13bn in a single year". I used Government figures that do indeed show a £13bn increase between 2016 and the 2019/2020 budget, and stand by those figures.

                      I will not be replying further to you. Seek guidance from an English teacher if you need further help in understanding basic written sentences.

                      You have failed to show any comprehension of basic mathematics and failed to show any evidence of anything other than blind ignorance. Your response, in the light of your total failure to show any evidence or understanding whatsoever is to state that you will no longer reply.

                      Congratulations. May I suggest reading horoscopes in the future as they are more your level.

                      /sigh.

                      1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

                        Re: Brexit Bus...

                        If you are having trouble with horoscopes and have come back here... if you read what I wrote, I pointedly stated that there was in inflationary increase in the budget year on year. This is not "new spend", this is nothing more than inflationary increases so the NHS budget is not slashed further. Claiming that a regular inflationary increase is "new spend" or something that counters the abject lies of the Brexit bus shows a total gullibility and failure to understand the maths. Are you even trying to suggest that only because of Brexit that the government are increasing the NHS budget in line with inflation, and that without this they would not be and therefore effectively reducing the NHS budget even more every year?

  14. I am the liquor Bronze badge
    Mushroom

    Nothing to see here, please disperse

    We're still 100% confident we can somehow control the spread of this thing though, right?

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Nothing to see here, please disperse

      Of course we can control it. Maybe we need to optimise our social distancing, though.

      Land area of UK = 240,000 square kilometres

      Population of UK = 67,000,000

      Which means we each get... scribble ... scribble ... carry the ... scribble ... about half a football pitch each.

      I bags the local Tescos. The rest of you can split the remainder of the country between you. Quickly now.

      I pity the poor sod who ends up with the Old Man of Hoy.

      1. I am the liquor Bronze badge

        Re: Nothing to see here, please disperse

        That's no way to talk about Alex Salmond.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Nothing to see here, please disperse

          No, that's "Hoy, come over here and suck my Old Man".

    2. Cederic Silver badge

      Re: Nothing to see here, please disperse

      The intent was to control the rate of spread, so your confidence is misplaced.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Trollface

        The intent was to control the rate of spread,

        Which means Cunnings should have been walking very very slowly, not running.

        1. Methusalah
          Trollface

          Re: The intent was to control the rate of spread,

          It would seem he did not run fast enough.

          Hopefully, while he is in isolation, the government can mislay his e-mails

  15. MJI Silver badge

    Borris

    I hope he is OK despite being useless.

    He is a bit of an idiot but better than the twat the US are lumbered with.

    But more importantly his stand in is a moron.

    There are a few, Grayling, Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab.

    We don't want Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab in charge.

    1. BebopWeBop Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: Borris

      Yes, but it is pretty desperate to prefer an idiot because the alternative is a moron

      1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

        Re: Borris

        Could be worse... is the third in line Gove?

        1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

          Re: Borris

          Have they disinfected the lectern at No. 10 after Boris and Hancock? Saw a picture with Gove at the lectern - he could be next

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Borris

            Gove is more likely to meet his end via his poisonous wife.

  16. Claverhouse Silver badge
    Happy

    I like the idea of such fellows running their work via Video-Conferencing...

    This is one thing that should definitely continue after the crisis is over.

    Video Conference to all the Cabinet, all isolated in each their own ward, and to actors playing the parts of Permanent Secretaries and the like... No input or output to anyone else... And let the civil servants run the country by ear.

    1. spold Silver badge

      Re: I like the idea of such fellows running their work via Video-Conferencing...

      There has never been a time in history where we have so needed Luck and Flaw

  17. H in The Hague Silver badge

    Policing by consent

    "... while the National Police Chiefs' Council, a semi-official police body that decides which laws are enforced and how, ..."

    I'm old enough to still believe in the quaint idea of policing by consent:

    https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/policing-by-consent/definition-of-policing-by-consent

    Principle 2 states: 'To recognise always that the power of the police to fulfil their functions and duties is dependent on public approval of their existence, actions and behaviour and on their ability to secure and maintain public respect.' Most of the other principles are very similar.

    So where does the NPCC fit into that? I rather thought that deciding which laws are to be enforced (by passing and withdrawing them) was the job of Parliament, not some unelected bureaucrats.

    "... this morning endorsed Derbyshire Police checking on people going for walks in empty stretches of the countryside via drone."

    If you need a drone to spot them they're likely to be more than 2 m away from others - in line with government advice. So what is the point of this, apart from giving the public the impression you're a police force which is totally clueless?

    Is it beer o'clock yet?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Policing by consent

      "apart from giving the public the impression you're a police force which is totally clueless?"

      I'm not sure it is necessary for them to give the impression.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: you're a police force which is totally clueless?

      the public are clueless, so the police can do whatever that will please the clueless. The public has heard about drones, and about policing, and that the drones are at a cutting, bleeding edge of policing, right? This sends a very strong message to the clueless public the police are DOING THE RIGHT THING. Never mind FUD, clueless public don't know and don't care.

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Policing by consent

      So what is the point of this, apart from giving the public the impression you're a police force which is totally clueless?

      So, being totally inline with the rest of government then?

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Policing by consent

      "If you need a drone to spot them they're likely to be more than 2 m away from others - in line with government advice. So what is the point of this, apart from giving the public the impression you're a police force which is totally clueless?"

      Just answering this bit specifically - the problem is that the further away from your home you are, the more likely you are to require assistance from emergency services if something goes wrong (a trip/fall, getting lost, your car breaking down, etc etc). This is particularly the case given the closest many of these people got to going for a walk before was staggering back home after they miss the last bus home on a night out.

      1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        A long way away in The Borders, where I get to reap some rewards for being so isolated.

        1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

          Re: Policing by consent

          Although not as isolated as one of the lads on Barra.

      2. werdsmith Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        I think the health risks from weeks of sedentary isolation, both physical and mental, are a far greater risk than the old sprained ankle from people who are exercising.

      3. cynic56
        Facepalm

        Re: Policing by consent

        A straw well clutched, sir. In years to come we'll wonder whether more b*llo*cks was spoken about Brexit or Coronavirus - could be a close run race.

        1. ClockworkOwl
          FAIL

          Re: Policing by consent

          Agreed,

          I wonder how many more DIY and gardening foul ups needing paramedics we'll see.

          I know I've nearly put a fork through my foot a couple of times...

          Resulting outcome in present environment>

      4. Claverhouse Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        Just answering this bit specifically - the problem is that the further away from your home you are, the more likely you are to require assistance from emergency services if something goes wrong (a trip/fall, getting lost, your car breaking down, etc etc).

        Mayhap in no far distant time the police forces of this country can detail each of us a drone of our own to always follow us wheresoever we may be, in country or town, in my lady's chamber, or round and round the garden like a teddy bear.

        1. Nifty Bronze badge

          Re: Policing by consent

          Us work from homers will need to take the car our for a few miles once every couple of weeks to top battery up and prevent flat spots on tyres and brakes from sticking.

      5. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        Just answering this bit specifically - the problem is that the further away from your home you are, the more likely you are to require assistance from emergency services if something goes wrong

        This is a logical fallacy as the long catalogue of household accidents demonstrates. You probably meant to say that people who drive to places like the peak district, Dartmoor, Snowdon, the Cairngorms, etc. often need the emergency services because they are unprepared for the conditions. But this is not a general rule.

    5. Persona Silver badge

      Re: Policing by consent

      Almost all crime is down. No nasty pub or football match brawls to sort out. Housebreaking opportunities have dried up with working from home. Less cars on the road so very little road traffic offences to deal with. No big public demonstrations to disperse. The police are getting very bored and want to do "something" till the domestic violence and murder rate soars due to families having to self isolate together.

      1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        Scarily enough, this is probably very accurate.

      2. veti Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        Housebreaking opportunities are way down. Officebreaking opportunities, on the other hand...

      3. Blofeld's Cat Silver badge
        Meh

        Re: Policing by consent

        "... The police are getting very bored ..."

        Especially those doing the facial recognition trials ...

        "And why, Constable Savage, are we holding Mr Cudogo this time?"

        "He's a villain Ma'am. I arrested him for wearing a mask in a public place, and moving in a suspicious manner."

        "A suspicious manner, Savage?"

        "Yes Ma'am, as though he was trying to avoid people."

        "I'm taking you off 'face recognition' and transferring you to 'drones', Savage."

        "Thank you, Ma'am."

      4. This post has been deleted by its author

    6. MonkeyCee

      Re: Policing by consent

      @Hague - The point is that you're supposed to stay at home.

      The provision to "do exercise" means you can leave your home for a walk/run/bike, for health and all that. It doesn't mean "go for a walk" a la the middle classes, where you drive to the Walking Place and go for a stroll.

      Either you're getting essentials or going to work. Other than that, stay home, go outside in a private area if you have one, so the poor buggers who don't can use the nearby public areas.

      I'm a climber. It's perfect climbing weather. I could get into my local gym for a sneaky climb. But I don't go and do it, because STAY THE FUCK AT HOME.

      1. Alister Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. The reason the Derbyshire Police are doing this, is because literally thousands of people are STILL driving out from Sheffield into the Peak District, parking next to each other and wandering off across the various beauty spots.

        I had to drive over Curbar Edge this morning, and the road was crammed with cars wherever they could abandon them.

        Fucking imbeciles, STAY AT HOME!

      2. Persona Silver badge

        Re: Policing by consent

        I did a circular walk from home today along the local footpaths and met far too many people on narrow footpaths where it was challenging to pass with an Osman clearance. On Monday however I drove 5 miles (4000 Osman's) to the forrest and walked for an hour only seeing one other couple who we passed at a very safe distance.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    NPCC is just a new name for ACPO - they're following the modern trend of changing name rather than behaviour when the behaviour results in the name becoming too toxic to continue using. See also British Bankers Association, now UK Finance, and many other examples.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    both test positive for COVID-19

    Boris, and the other clown, forgot his name, both deserve condemnation (for brexit at least). but... getting infected and possibly dying - NOT funny :(

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: both test positive for COVID-19

      The suspense of not knowing if they will succumb is killing us all.

  20. Danny 2 Silver badge

    Good on BoJo and Ma'cock

    I initially thought the government 'herd immunity' plan was a cynical folly, but they are really committing to it now.

    Self isolation with my family has given me time to code, learn basic biology and play Monopoly, but not sleeping so it's all mixed up.

    If Ro > 1, go directly to quarantine, do not pass go, do not collect £94 for 5 weeks.

    Covid19 ≠ SARS-CoV-2

    The former is the disease, the latter is the virus.

    https://xkcd.com/2275/

    https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2020/03/3-charts-that-changed-coronavirus-policy-in-the-uk-and-us/

    Scottish bairns have been painting rainbows in windows supposedly to cheer us up, but they are just depressingly bad art, often even getting the colours in the wrong order. The next generation is really letting us all down.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Good on BoJo and Ma'cock

      The colours could be correct with the impending switching of the poles?

      1. Danny 2 Silver badge

        Re: Good on BoJo and Ma'cock

        You mean magnetic poles switching, not Polish nurses heading back to Poland, yeah?

        Look at these, the same colours appearing twice in different ends of the rainbow. There is no hope.

        https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-52050089

      2. Robert Sneddon

        Re: Good on BoJo and Ma'cock

        Can't you correct the colours in the CSS?

  21. Anonymous IV
    WTF?

    The wisdom of (a very small) crowd

    On my officially-mandated exercise session, I was walking along the canal towpath when I passed two dubious-looking individuals sitting on one of the benches. This is what I overheard:

    First yokel: "Do you know why that Boris Johnson has caught Covid-19? "

    Second yokel: "No, why? "

    First yokel: "It's because he shut down all the pubs. It's karma! "

  22. Milton

    The most worrying thing

    The most worrying thing about Liar Johnson's statement was that he intended to continue to lead the government in the fight against coronavirus.

    Really, he should go to bed, rest, relax, and do nothing. Let someone else do the "leading".

    He'd be doing himself a favour.

    And the country.

    1. veti Silver badge

      Re: The most worrying thing

      Who, specifically, do you imagine would be taking over his job in that scenario?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The most worrying thing

      Mild symptoms ... not debilitating or exclusionary IMHO

  23. This post has been deleted by its author

  24. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge

    Is Sunak still refusing to lock himself down, despite having been in close proximity to others now proven to be infected?

  25. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Alert

    Incoming!

    All we need now is for an imminent Asteroid on collision course with Earth.

    Bruce Willis should be asked to keep social distancing of 2 Osmans to keep him healthy in case we need him

    1. Ken Shabby
      Black Helicopters

      Re: Incoming!

      If Chuck Norris gets it, the virus will have to be quarantined for two weeks!

  26. Stork Silver badge

    Here in Portugal there has been declared state of emergency; this was approved by parliament and has to be renewed after 14 days (don't know if it is every 14 days).

    State of emergency does not change or suspend any laws directly, it gives the government the possibility of restricting rights that it otherwise can't. But with strict time limits.

  27. Klimt's Beast Would

    Drones... launched from BBC TV detector vans perhaps?

    I plead the Cooper. We are all Drones.

    Greetings from Brussels. Restrictions to continue until April 19 announced today. Still no kitchen roll*...

    * Not the Joan Jett version.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Drones... launched from BBC TV detector vans perhaps?

      We Drones know who we are ... and the club is still open for business in these troubled times

      https://parbakeandprose.com/2017/04/05/the-drones-club/

  28. Tony Pott

    They'll be fine. The virus will realise where it is and slip away with an embarrassed smile. Even COVID-19 has standards.

  29. Drew 11

    How's that Herd Immunity theory working out for you, Boris?

    1. Danny 2 Silver badge

      #Moo Too

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
  30. eldakka Silver badge
    Coat

    I've got the entire Eurasian land mass between myself and Boris Johnson, but I still feel too close.

  31. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

    Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

    Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

    It has been announced in Australia that UK is (present tense), literally, throwing all recently acquired "fast" testing kits (sourced from China) due to a 70% error rate.

    The only thing that seems to "work as advertised" is the coronavirus.

    1. BebopWeBop Silver badge

      Re: Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

      Out of interest where is it announced that they are being chucked (in the UK)? And a relatively small number of Spanish kits were rejected (I am glad they are being tested though)

      1. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

        Re: Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

        Out of interest where is it announced that they are being chucked (in the UK)

        ABC (Australia).

        I hope this information is incorrect.

        Spain's national COVID-19 death toll second only to Italy as country turns to China for help

        To address the shortages, Health Minister Salvador Illa said the government had inked a major deal with China.

        Worth some 432 million euros (nearly A$800 million), the deal will cover 550 million masks, 5.5 million rapid test kits, 950 respirators and 11 million pairs of gloves, he told a televised news conference.

        "We have secured entire production chains (in China) which will be working solely for the Spanish government," he said.

        1. osakajin Bronze badge

          Re: Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

          Greedy fucks

        2. Nifty Bronze badge

          Re: Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

          Was this before or after Spain discovered that 70% of the half million test kits it'd bought from a Shenzhen company were giving false an useless results?

          1. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

            Re: Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

            Was this before or after Spain discovered that 70% of the half million test kits it'd bought from a Shenzhen company were giving false an useless results

            I am suspecting some EU countries are "pooling" with Spain with UK being one of them.

            A bit "coincidental" (if UK did throw away Chinese-made "fast" test kit due to 70% error rate) if both UK and Spain bought the same "fast" test kit and both of them have 70% error rate.

            Airbus plane delivers face masks from China to coronavirus-hit Spain

            Chinese company shipped out millions of Australia’s masks, hand sanitiser, glove supplies

            Three million surgical masks, 500,000 pairs of gloves and bulk supplies of sanitiser and wipes were bought up in Australia and other countries where Greenland operates.

            Pallet loads of items including thermometers and 700,000 hazmat suits were sent to China, the Herald reported.

            They were accumulated at Greenland’s Sydney headquarters and sent to China over weeks in January and February.

          2. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge
          3. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge

            Re: Coronavirus test kits withdrawn in Spain over poor accuracy rate

            Netherlands recalls 600,000 face masks from China due to low quality

            So here's some update regarding those faulty "fast" test kits Spain has "discarded":

            1. The test kits were from Bioeasy Biotechnology from the province of Shenzhen, China. The company is not authorized by the Chinese government.

            2. Spain got their test kit from a local importer (translation: Someone "peddled" the test kit to the Spanish government without approval from Chinese government.)

            3. After Spain got the test kits, the Chinese government sent the Spanish government a list of recommended brand/manufacturer and the list does not include Bioeasy Biotechnology.

            4. The Czech government also got the same test kit from Bioeasy but it is not determined how they got hold of the faulty test kit.

            5. The Turkish government were provided and rejected the sample test kits from Bioeasy Biotechnology.

            Hope this helps.

  32. autisticatheist
    Trollface

    Hang on lads, I've got a great idea

    Things aren't going well Boris. I know, you pretend to have the virus to get sympathy and I'll sprint out of No.10 like I'm scared, to make it more authentic.

  33. Nifty Bronze badge

    Can Parliament be replicated virtually?

    Replicating the voting side of it would be simple enough. But could the debating chamber be replicated, to include behavioural aspects? In these days of virtual reality games, I'd say yes. Wonder if some VR studio could rush something out à la Dyson.

    1. Danny 2 Silver badge

      Re: Can Parliament be replicated virtually?

      Well, Johnson has replicated about eight times, allegedly, and there are six junior Rees Moggs besuited and ready for office.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: Can Parliament be replicated virtually?

        Do those replicants time-share a single brain, or do they each have their own?

  34. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    Vini, Vidi, Virus

    We Shall Fight on the BeachesBed

    With apologies to Julius Caesar and Winston Churchill

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Mere details...

    Answers here:

    https://www.moonofalabama.org/2020/03/more-bits-on-the-corona-crisis.html

    '...When one checks the original reports from Spain and from the Czech Republic one learns that these countries bought anti-body tests which only react when a person has had the virus for some time and developed anti-bodies against it. These tests can obviously not be used to find persons who are infected but have not yet developed anti-bodies...'

  36. DrXym Silver badge

    Well done Boris

    Your ignorance of science and general hubris have turned you into a disease vector that may well take out the top leadership echelons of health, finance, business, justice, policing, administration, education, defence and governance. Well done you idiot.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Orwellian in scope

    "Derbyshire Police checking on people going for walks in empty stretches of the countryside via drone."

    I suppose in ol' blighty, one shouldn't expect less. Officious and power crazed coppers using laws on the edge cases to bolster their own self-esteem seems normal.

    The probability of a solitary walk in the park, possibly canine accompanied, is in fact ZERO without close interaction with an infected human. Policing this is a waste of resources and nothing more than a grab for more surveillance power in what has already become a police state.

    F*ing glad I am shot of the place!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Orwellian in scope

      Edit: "probability of contracting Covid19 during a solitary walk"

  38. Danny 2 Silver badge

    Teachers are a single point of failure

    Teachers who are still working should be a top priority for testing. Only the children of essential workers are still going to school, so if a teacher gets them ill then it takes out all their essential worker parents.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Teachers are a single point of failure

      KIds can infect each other as they always do, don't need a teacher for that.

      Boris is a bit late with his social distance.

  39. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    #ClapForBoris

    or

    #BooForBoris

    https://twitter.com/hashtag/clapforboris

    https://twitter.com/hashtag/booforboris

  40. sanmigueelbeer Silver badge
  41. Apprentice

    Have I stumbled upon the comments section of The Guardian?

    Some of the comments here are very puerile and hateful. They have a whiff of lefty Guardian readership for sure.

    Even if you are no fan of Boris, at least understand that he is far better than the alternatives at presiding over this pandemic. Can you imagine how Corbyn would've handled this crisis? Can you imagine anyone really taking him and a Labour government seriously? Whilst there are some flaws in the action thus far taken, I really don't envy Boris Johnson's position in making some extremely difficult decisions. But I am more comfortable with him at the helm that just about any other politician.

    I wish him a speedy recovery.

  42. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

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