back to article Tinfoil hat brigade switches brand allegiance to bog paper

If there's something I can't stand, it's those stupid columns people write for IT news websites. Before they made the move online, columnists used to write their tedious opinions in computer magazines. And it was back then, as a budding sub-editor of the tedious musings of better experienced* and more qualified** journalists …

  1. Captain Hogwash

    Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

    You would. I would. But my SO? Mme Dabbs? In my experience it seems that women must eat the stuff. It's the only explanation I can think of for why it disappears so quickly when one is in residence.

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      Was going to say the same thing. In normal times (I live by myself), I get through at most a roll a week - and probably less than that.

      When my daughter returns from University for a weekend, I suddenly have to go and buy another pack, as it seems she uses a roll every few hours!

      1. Brian Miller Silver badge

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        A roll a week? How?? I'd have had to have eaten a mess of things that would run through my gut like the 24 Hours of Lemons race to do that. Of course, I don't work from home. Ok, now that my employer has screamed "OMG it's a pandemic! Watch out for these symptoms!" (None of which would catch even one zombie, mind you) that I'm here at home with a new defacto mouse and keyboard farm.

        Seriously, at roll lasts a minimum of two weeks, usually three.

        1. ClockworkOwl
          Go

          Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

          You're clearly not a vegetarian...

          1. jake Silver badge

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            The thing that none of all y'all have addressed ... What size roll? Roll size varies from manufacturer to manufacturer ... to say nothing of so-called "double" and "triple" rolls.

            Also, the type of paper makes a difference. Do you lot still have that government issued stuff with the texture of machine shop waste and all the absorbancy of waxed paper? I think the one roll that was in the boy's WC at school when I got there for 2nd year was still there after A levels ... and it may still be there, forty odd years later. Nobody, and I mean nobody, would use the boy's loo for anything other than peeing. Rumo(u)r had it that the girls had a version that was a trifle kinder to the tender parts. When I found out this last was actually true (late Chem lab, I saw the janitor replenishing their stash), I threatened to swim back across the pond & walk the rest of the way home, back to civilization.

            1. Teiwaz Silver badge

              Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

              You mean the shiny rolls that more resembled greaseproof paper than anything else?

              Thankfully, I've not seen those (anywhere) since the early eighties.

              Every institutional bog I came across as a wee lad seemed to have this useless paper. Back then, the bogs were certainly not in benefit of even a half-arsed cleaning contract with only daily cleanup, so bog roll that didn't so much wipe and spread was possibly the worst value.

              Frank on Taxies

              On the Lavatory with Frank Hovis

              1. Dolvaran

                Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

                It did make good tracing paper though...

            2. jmch Silver badge

              Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

              " all the absorbancy of waxed paper"

              a bit off topic I know, but why is it that ice-cream parlours and stands the world over (whose wares, especially in the presence of minors, will inevitably require copious amounts of absorbent tissues) inevitably have these waxed-paper napkins instead of proper absorbent ones?

          2. Alistair Dabbs

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            You're clearly not a vegetarian...

            I am a vegetarian. Toilet rolls are less of a problem than my frequent onslaught on the ozone layer.

        2. CountCadaver Bronze badge

          Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

          A roll every 2 to 3 weeks?? Do you not go to the toilet at home / not poo? The mindboggles, unless your using the industrial sized rolls found in public loos....

          Be glad you don't have IBS.,,,,

          1. Rol Silver badge

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            One roll a month.

            One an hour if my niece is staying over.

            But seriously! How many sheets do you need to wipe your crevice?

            I double them over and clean my bottom thoroughly and still have half the amount I bought during the Cuban crisis left over.

            1. My-Handle

              Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

              Be glad if you never find out what internal varicose veins can do.

              Mine aren't quite at the level of hemorrhoids, but they can require quite a thorough wiping to get properly clean. They are also easily irritated, which can encourage the gut to retain water and not really produce anything all that solid, which in turn requires more wiping. Having said that, even with all the above I still won't go through a roll a week.

              And I'm only 34....

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      When our children and their families visit, they go through what we would use in a month or two in a weekend. Though at least with the passage of time the last iteration of disposable nappies found in the wrong bin is on the way out.

      1. DJV Silver badge

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        Back when I was married a single bog roll would hardly last more than a single day. Sometimes, after using the loo, my wife ask me to help unblock it as she'd wedged so much bog roll down the damn thing that the flush water couldn't find the normal exit and threatened to overflow the pan.

        Since becoming divorced I use no more than 1 bog roll a week.

        1. My-Handle

          Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

          My SO managed to block the toilet with dog hair. And the outside toilet with leaves.

          The mind boggles.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      Christ. I go through a roll in a single curry. But then coconuts really don't agree with me on the issue of where they ought to be, ie. inside me.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        You must be wiping as it comes out then? Like... once it's out, then wipe!

    4. First Light Bronze badge
      Holmes

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      Curiously for people who are allegedly married and have kids or grandkids, y'all don't seem to be very familiar with female anatomy. Icon because you don't have to be him to figure out the "extra" usage issues.

      1. Boufin

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        I'm sure there must be web sites with details of the female anatomy.

        1. Muscleguy Silver badge

          Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

          Back before the web you had to be lucky. My wife was because you see I had done the 2nd year Gross Anatomy paper the year before so I got to teach the woman soon to be my wife about her own anatomy.

          You might think having gone to an all girls school without any sniggering pubescent boys around they might have taught that stuff to the gels. No. I think we got more in my Co-ed at the other end of the country. The problem was semi-rrural conservatism.

          I do get depressed though when young people use vagina to mean the entire pudendal area. It seems ignorance is stil lin fashion.

          1. Scott 53

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            "I got to teach the woman soon to be my wife about her own anatomy"

            Mansplaining taken up a couple of notches.

      2. Alister Silver badge

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        figure out the "extra" usage issues.

        Yes, I get what you're saying, but going by the debris following a visit from my daughter, the primary uses of toilet roll seem to be for removing mascara, nail-varnish, blusher and face cream, blowing her nose, wrapping up old chewing gum...

        1. Alistair Dabbs

          Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

          Back in France, there's no shortage of toilet rolls on the store shelves. Maybe everyone is stocking up on bidets instead.

          1. Dr_N Silver badge

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            They just take the ursine approach a la campagne.

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

              Rabbit fur? With or without the rabbit still wearing it?

          2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            "Back in France, there's no shortage of toilet rolls on the store shelves"

            There is in our local Co-op but it's been that way since they reorganised it. I think the shelf-stackers can't find their way around now.

          3. james_smith Silver badge

            Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

            I hate to perpetuate a stereotype, but there again maybe it isn't a one if it's true?

            I had a French girlfriend for nigh on ten years, and hygiene was not her strong suit. Her approach to bodily smells was to apply more perfume until the cloying smell was almost unbearable. I can only assume that water and soap in France are heavily taxed or in short supply.

            1. Alistair Dabbs

              Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

              I can only assume that water and soap in France are heavily taxed or in short supply.

              Everyday toiletries are about double the price in France. A £1 supermarket bottle of cheapo shower gel costs almost €3 here. No idea why.

              1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

                "Everyday toiletries are about double the price in France. A £1 supermarket bottle of cheapo shower gel costs almost €3 here. No idea why."

                Economies of scale. If the scale is small the prices go up :-)

      3. james_smith Silver badge

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        Bathroom at home has a Turkish style toilet (I live in London, but her indoors is Turkish). These kind of toilets come with a built in bidet kind of thing. Much more hygienic than basically spreading bacteria around with bog roll.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

          Yes and no. Spray and aerosol would like to comment on that theory. They ask if you also keep your toothbrush 6 feet away.

      4. Stork Silver badge

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        this reminds me - perhaps Mme Dabbs is not using that much paper: French bathrooms tend to have a bidet for a reason (and no, it is not for washing socks).

    5. This post has been deleted by its author

    6. Barry Rueger

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      In all seriousness, do all of you people really know how much toilet paper you use in a week?

      And more importantly : WHY?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

        "In all seriousness, do all of you people really know how much toilet paper you use in a week?"

        Of course. It's fairly simple and not rocket science: you can see the number of toilet rolls in the pack gradually decrease as the days pass, and (here's the important bit) you then remember to buy some more from the shops before you run out.

    7. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      Always assumed the ladies' high usage was because they have a front bottom as well.

    8. MackDoo

      Re: you'd still struggle to get through a couple of rolls

      There are some in society who do have a genuine need for such prodigious quantities of super soft rolled-up stuff.

      As parents of teenage boys will attest.

  2. b0llchit
    Paris Hilton

    Surely,...

    A tinfoil hat will disrupt the bioelectric field of the virus in such way that I will be safe. Adding a mobile to the mix can only improve the repelling forces. The mobile radiates, the tinfoil deflects and reflects and the virus is driven away. Its a win-win-win for all.

    You may also add some article generating algorithms in the mix with modern AI influencers in the backing room. You may do so in isolation. The spread will be viral, guaranteed; YMMV.

    1. martinusher Silver badge

      Re: Surely,...

      Its been known for many years that tinfoil helmets don't block most R/F freuqencies and can actually enhance them in the 1-3GHz range. Aluminium foil isn't a very good shielding material anyway, you'd probably be better off with a mesh of some sort like metallic screen door material.

      Personally I find foil most useful for reflecting surplus infra-red radiation and containng undesirable aqueous emissions while cooking.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "you'd probably be better off..."

        "...with a mesh of some sort like metallic screen door material."

        Colanders!!

      2. b0llchit
        Joke

        Re: Surely,...

        Since when does science and facts convince the ignorant? Please, leave us poor souls in our miserably happy state of ignorance.

        Also, the ones preying on the ignorant definitely do not concur with your enlightened views. Please keep them to yourself. Making pr{a,e}ying business harder is not good for the economy.

      3. IT Poser
        Black Helicopters

        Re: Aluminium foil isn't a very good shielding material anyway,

        As any fule kno you have to use actual tinfoil made out of tin.

      4. Martin an gof Silver badge

        Re: Surely,...

        Having just built a house which is insulated with foam boards covered both sides in Aluminium foil - one layer in the cavity walls, two layers in the roof, all jonts taped with sticky Aluminium foil - I can tell you that they are pretty good at blocking both 2.4GHz and 5GHz WiFi. For reasons which needn't be related here, one of my APs is outside. The signal from it is only reliable(ish) in the rooms facing the AP. The signal is weakened enough that it's unusable any further into the house. The windows have a metallic heat-reflective coating and the signal isn't much stronger at a window.

        That same AP is usable indoors in a house about 30m away in a straight line. This older property has a cavity filled with fluff.

        Before building this house, the same AP was in a garden shed insulated with the same foil-foam boards. I thought it might give useful coverage in the garden.

        It didn't :-/

        M.

    2. steelpillow Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Surely,...

      Tinfoil is a good basic general antibiotic for everyday health, but for the COVID coronavirus you really need to enhance it with our special counter-biotic antiviral super Rare Earth anti-polarized magnets made to our specially-developed and laboratory-tested formula. They are available plain at $120 each or self-adhesive, ready to stick around the rim of your tinfoil hat, for $170. Even one will help but we recommend at least five and preferably seven or more for severe cases (always fit an odd number - even numbers produce unhealthy resonances!). We also offer ready-made 5-, 7- and 9- magnet tinfoil hats, starting at a heavily discounted $499. We believe this to be top value to save yourself from an early death.

      Don't wait, order now before it is too late.

      We guarantee to give you your money back if the product fails to work as advertised. Just send it back to us with the name of your undertaker, and a copy of your death certificate counter-signed by yourself.

      1. Olivier2553 Silver badge

        Re: Surely,...

        I would be interested, but do they have a bog paper liner?

  3. oiseau Silver badge
    Pint

    Friday

    ** A degree in Sociology and Applied Hairdressing from Barnsley Polytechnic.

    This one made my friday morn ... =-D!

    Thanks.

    O.

    1. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

      Re: Friday

      There's nowt wrong with Barnsley lad. Not only can we give your nails a good buff, but we're also the best at everything and have an outspoken opinion on everything.

    2. Graham Newton

      Re: Friday

      Is there is also a Sociology and Theoretical Hairdressing course ?

      1. Andy Non Silver badge

        Re: Friday

        That sounds like a hair brained idea.

        1. The Dark Side Of The Mind (TDSOTM)

          Re: That sounds like ...

          "That sounds like a haired brain idea."

          FTFY

      2. jake Silver badge

        Re: Friday

        Some say there are both Pure and Applied Hairdressing courses. Naturally, the pure professors are said to be Scientists, while the Applied are Boffins.

        1. whileI'mhere

          Re: Friday

          The Applied are Boffins? I think you mean Bouffants.

          1. 2+2=5 Silver badge
            Joke

            Re: Friday

            Remember to self-isolate if you have a new, persistent coiffure.

      3. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: Is there is also a Sociology and Theoretical Hairdressing course ?

        It's the samje course but with split ends.

    3. FuzzyWuzzys
      Mushroom

      Re: Friday

      Barnsley, the home of Biff Byford and SAXON!!

      1. Mooseman Silver badge

        Re: Friday

        Hampstead wasn't good enough. You had to go swanning off to Barnsley with your coal

        mining friends....

  4. Patched Out
    Facepalm

    Copper foil

    It is well known that copper has natural anti-bacterial and anti-viral properties. So I will be using copper.

    .... No! On my head, you dolt!

    1. Jimmy2Cows Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: On my head, you dolt!

      As opposed to...?

      Asking for friend ------>

    2. DJO Silver badge

      Re: Copper foil

      Wondering about that.

      Both silver and copper have anti-bacterial and anti-viral properties, back in the days of Spanish flu coinage was still copper & silver so most people would be handling one or both metals daily.

      Now with cupro-nickel instead of silver and plated steel instead of copper people don't receive that benefit. Also many hospitals used to have copper door knobs which helped in restricting the spread of infections - it was years before they worked out why modern hospitals with automatic doors or shiny chrome plated door knobs had a slightly higher infection rate to older hospitals.

      1. Alister Silver badge

        Re: Copper foil

        Don't get taken in:

        https://newatlas.com/health-wellbeing/fake-covid19-coronavirus-cure-treatment-fda-warning/

      2. Tim99 Silver badge

        Re: Copper foil

        Cupronickel, bronze, and brass surfaces as bactericides can be almost as effective as copper; many of these alloys kill bacteria quite quickly, usually in a couple of hours. There is evidence that they work with a number of viruses too. Stainless steel is generally ineffective - Live bacteria can remain for a week or so.

        1. DJO Silver badge

          Re: Copper foil

          Cupronickel, bronze, and brass surfaces as bactericides can be almost as effective as copper

          True but there's also the frequency of contact with coinage to consider. 100 years ago it was cash or nothing, maybe a cheque if you were posh. Now with electronic transfers, credit & debit cards, pay pal and other similar schemes people can go for days without ever touching a coin.

  5. Phil Endecott Silver badge

    I’ve been trying to decide what I should go out and buy now in order to resell at an inflated price on ebay in a few weeks.

    My best idea so far is jigsaw puzzles, and copies of War and Peace.

    1. macjules Silver badge
      Trollface

      I shall be retailing 2 sheets of toilet tissue at £1 per pack, each enclosed in a plastic bag with an infographic on how to remove from the bag and wipe the affected areas. Obviously it will be necessary to farm the production out to China, so please expect a 3 week delivery of each packet, even if you do have Amazon Prime.

      Wonko the Sane would be proud.

    2. Scotthva5

      Netflix stock

      buy

      1. John H Woods Silver badge

        Re: Netflix stock

        HomeFresh

        Wiltshire Farm Foods

        Just Eat

        etc ...

        1. ArrZarr Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Netflix stock

          And keep an eye on Boeing/Airbus to jump on at the bottom of the trough...

          1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

            Re: Netflix stock

            I would recommend Airbus, Boeing has some other problems as well with the 737MAX and the demand for those has just been wiped out as well.

            1. Tomato Krill

              Re: Netflix stock

              I think given that the idea was to buy stocks in struggling companies , you might have missed the point a tad there?

              1. ArrZarr Silver badge

                Re: Netflix stock

                By Jove, I think he's got it!

      2. jake Silver badge

        Re: Netflix stock

        To hell with single company stocks. Look into Index Funds. I suspect I'll do alright between now and this time next year ...

    3. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Copies of War & Peace should sell very well. 900 pages in a global toilet roll shortage? Perfect! What reading matter do you plan to sell though?

      It's supposed to be a classic, and I forced myself to finish it. But really?

      1. Stumpy

        Wiping my arse with War and Peace has completely ruined my Kindle though!

      2. Terry 6 Silver badge

        The definition of a classic "A book that everyone wants to have read, but no one wants to read". I think Mark Twain.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        The good news (for the plant-based FUD media) is that there will be a massive resurgence of people buying newspapers ... just not to read of course.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          "The good news (for the plant-based FUD media) is that there will be a massive resurgence of people buying newspapers ... just not to read of course."

          It might even be cheaper than buying bog-roll on Ebay.. Out of curiosity, I just looked. There are some real chancers selling it at very, very high prices!

      4. Phil Endecott Silver badge

        You’re supposed to read each page before tearing it out!

    4. Patched Out

      DIY bidet installation kits

      see title

      1. The Dark Side Of The Mind (TDSOTM)

        Re: DIY bidet installation kits

        Yeah, plenty of those in my area, at ~40 EUR and change. Made in China, obviously.

        The major drawback is they have to be powered somehow from the wall socket and their User Manual is mostly useless. They can vary the pressure, the temperature and the spread of the jets trhough a control panel akin to the remote control of a small toy helicopter.

        Installin such a device in a household with kids can provide endless joy...

        1. Olivier2553 Silver badge

          Re: DIY bidet installation kits

          A small hand shower, plus a T connection, starting price will get you parting with 3 euro.

    5. smudge

      I’ve been trying to decide what I should go out and buy now in order to resell at an inflated price on ebay in a few weeks.

      Bidets, obviously.

    6. SoaG

      Seashells

      In sets of 3.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Seashells

        SoaG,

        "In sets of 3"

        You will make your 1st Million much quicker if you sell them in packs of 2 ....... everyone will then need to buy two !!!

        :)

      2. Dr_N Silver badge
        Mushroom

        Re: Seashells

        "Don't mess around with the Demolition Man ..."

    7. Anomalous Cowturd
      Alert

      @Phil

      > I’ve been trying to decide what I should go out and buy now in order to resell at an inflated price on ebay in a few weeks.

      Body bags.

      Too soon?

      1. stiine Silver badge
        Thumb Down

        Re: @Phil

        Sorry, you really shouldn't expect to sell more than one per customer, and your repeat business is going to be very, very slim.

        1. hplasm Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: @Phil

          "...your repeat business is going to be very, very slim."

          That's why I'm going to sell them BRAINS!

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: @Phil

        Anomalous Cowturd,

        "> I’ve been trying to decide what I should go out and buy now in order to resell at an inflated price on ebay in a few weeks."

        According to the 2 major 'reference works' (Demolition Man & Idiocracy) you should buy shares in Taco Bell, manufacture 'Morality Boxs' and start stockpiling the combination La-Z-Boy/Toilet !!!

        P.S. Rat Burgers are an option for next year ....... I am sure many will 'buy that for a Dollar' !!! :) ;)

  6. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    grep?

    sed

    1. cklammer

      Re: grep?

      Or awk for the more ... sophisticated ;-)

      1. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker Bronze badge

        Re: grep?

        Link to a comic from 1999 that I remembered thanks to the two of you.

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: grep?

        There's an old rubric about only using sed where tr won't do, only using awk where sed won't do etc.

      3. jake Silver badge

        Re: grep?

        perl for a few more options. And options are good, right?

    2. Scotthva5

      Re: grep?

      but grep has such a retro Dennis Richie vibe

    3. KarMann Bronze badge

      Re: grep?

      s/grep/sed/g

  7. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    "No thanks I'm fine Mum."

    Isn't this how Wreckit Ralph: Ralph breaks the internet starts? Oh, wait, he says I'm doing my homework...

  8. WaveyDavey

    The The

    Lovely to hear a bit of The The - I still think Infected is a damned fine album.

    1. Just Enough
      Boffin

      Re: The The

      One of those band names created before web searches were given any consideration.

      1. stiine Silver badge

        Re: The The

        I think The Band have that covered...

    2. james_smith Silver badge

      Re: The The

      I trace my love of the harmonica to hearing The The as an impressionable teenager.

  9. cklammer

    One shungite for two phones

    Make a shungite mobile phone sandwich: stick you shungite plate to the backs of both you phones!

    Not only you save 10 quid but everyone you meet will think that you are very happy to meet them as you keep you shungite phone sandwich in your trouser pocket!

    ;-)

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: One shungite for two phones

      shungite

      // extraneous characters removed

      // yw

      // EM fields...how do they work?

      1. Thrudd the Barbarian

        Re: One shungite for two phones

        // shockingly

        // penetrating

        // electromotive

        // megahurtz if interacted with inappropriately

  10. Captain Hogwash
    Meh

    To be truly effective...

    The Shungite Plate would probably need to smell like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: To be truly effective...

      You mean like battery acid, or other products she retails that are guaranteed to halt extensive-stage Small Cell Lung Cancer or other terminal diseases?

      However many ways I have tried I still can not get Gwyneth Paltrow to anagram into "Snake Oil Saleswoman". By the way "coronavirus" anagrams into "carnivorous".

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: To be truly effective...

        By the way "coronavirus" anagrams into "carnivorous"

        And "pandemic" anagrams to "panic dem"

  11. Mihai

    Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPpfLiIODRk

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

      I knew it! One day it would pay off having learnt German: this is today.

      1. Warm Braw Silver badge

        Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

        I'm continuing to learn - from the video that played next I discovered that the German verb meaning "to horde" is "hamstern". I quite like the prospect of having a giant wheel on which to exercise during self-isolation.

        1. MCMLXV
          Headmaster

          Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

          Horde isn't a verb; it's a noun, as in "Barbarian hordes". Hoard.

          I rather like "hamstern" - ta for telling us :)

          1. Mooseman Silver badge

            Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

            hamstern is German for hamster

    2. MiguelC Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

      Only problem with the video is the German humour...

      1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

        Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

        The only problem with the German humour is that you now find out it does exist, they just keep it in reserve for when the situation gets serious. I recommend you check again when the situation gets alarming.

      2. james_smith Silver badge

        Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

        German humour is usually so dry that it's easily lost in translation.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

          "German humour is usually so dry that it's easily lost in translation."

          And there was me thinking it just needed lots of hydration of the alcoholic kind, at least for the audience.

    3. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Corona hits 2020 - for german speakers

      My German is very sketchy but that was very funny and very German.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Shungite

    So as a geologist I wondered what Shungite was (admittedly was snoozing in quite a few mineralogy lectures). So "Shungite is elementary noncrystalline carbon with a metastable structure incapable of graphitization, it is also used as a term to describe a sequence of metamorphic rocks from the Karelia region of Russia containing such carbon. " It seems that people attribute it's EMF reduction to the presence of trace fullerenes. Now any ful noes that fullerenes have anti-ageing properties, so looks like these plates might not only protect you from brain tumors, but keep your complexion smooth and young looking. $10 seems a bargain!

    1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Shungite

      and there I was thinking the 'u', 'n', and 'g' had been inserted to trick people into buying it

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Shungite

      "noncrystalline carbon with a metastable structure incapable of graphitization"

      Soot?

  13. ItsMeDammit

    How to use the phone plate most effectively.

    The only way that phone plate is likely to help with your health is if you stick it to the front, directly on to the screen so you're not tempted to use the damn thing in the first place.

    I bet it doesn't suggest that in the instructions.

    1. Waseem Alkurdi Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: How to use the phone plate most effectively.

      No, it's on page 49 of the fifth thread on the "Application and Installation Subforum" of the blasted thing's Community Forum ...

      ... in the Archive.

      1. ItsMeDammit

        Re: How to use the phone plate most effectively.

        ... with a sign on the door saying "Beware of the leopard".

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How to use the phone plate most effectively.

      I thought it was a brick. With obvious uses.

  14. Dr_N Silver badge

    Scammers

    Le Dabbs> Surely now it's inevitable there will be a growth in COVID-19-related antiviral protection gadgets aimed at the feeble-minded and desperate.

    Or as it is known, homeopathy.

    Or colloidal [noble metal of choice].

    Or Domestos. (Sorry I meant MMS.)

    ...

    Sad days.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Scammers

      Colloidal silver is a well-known antibiotic. But be sure to google "Argyria" to check out the side-effects before trying.

      1. Dr_N Silver badge

        Re: Scammers

        Applied to a wound? Yes.

        Chugging it to "cure" a viral infection? Nuh-uh.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Scammers

          Why would anyone think antibiotics would treat a viral infection?

          Sorry. I'll start again. Why would anyone outside the US healthcare system think antibiotics would treat a viral infection?

      2. Thrudd the Barbarian

        Re: Scammers

        Also used in water purifiers by some manufacturers.

  15. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    WTF?

    It's not just bog rolls

    The idiots round here are stripping the stores of just about everything made of paper :(

    1. Jamie Jones Silver badge

      Re: It's not just bog rolls

      The stock in shops around here seem pretty normal.... Either I live in a community of sound-minded individuals, or they're all just a bunch of dirty grubby gits!

      1. Intractable Potsherd Silver badge

        Re: It's not just bog rolls

        Went out today to stock up on a few items in case the nursery shuts and I have a pair of ravenous three-year-old at home unexpectedly (all it will take is a member of staff coughing three times and the deep-cleaners will be in). At Aldi - the only empty shelf was paracetamol. At Tesco - no pasta, toilet rolls, paper towels... Seems that the panicking is largely middle-class around here.

  16. Kay Burley ate my hamster

    I need TP

    TP for my globulus snot river.

  17. Chris G Silver badge

    When the chick hits the pan

    Or not in my case. I went shopping Wednesday to the nearest town, toilet paper was low but not sold out. However in three different supermarkets all of the whole prepared chickens were sold out.

    Either chickens arebeing decimated by the virus, or, the Spanish herehave an anti viral chicken preparation that I haven't heard of.

    Chicken breasts, wings or legs were all available but zero whole chickens, plus they are too small to wear so I don't think they have shielding properties.

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: When the chick hits the pan

      Chicken soup used to be an oft prescribed remedy for colds and flu...

    2. PerlyKing Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: an anti viral chicken preparation

      Chicken soup? Which my wife always calls "Jewish penicillin" :-)

    3. baud Bronze badge

      Re: When the chick hits the pan

      People staying at home teleworking and too lazy to cook, maybe?

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: When the chick hits the pan

      I've been out shopping over the weekend. It was quite surprising what was in short supply. Considering we keep getting told that hardly anyone cooks any more, the chilled and frozen ready meals and the like seemed to be in plentiful supply while fresh/chilled meat, whole chickens as observed above, along with baking flour and bread flour, pasta, rice, tins of beans and tins of tomatoes. Plenty other tinned stuff, pasta sauce and curry sauce jars, single potion dried packets of rice type meal things seemed to still be in abundance. UHT milk is gone, but most shops still had fresh milk even if far less than usual. Plenty of frozen veg, but things like fresh carrots were low or out too. It's all a bit weird really ;-)

      Oh, just remembered. Both Lidl and Aldi seem to have large stocks of Corona Beer. Didn't see anyone buying it though!

  18. Sulky

    Buying extra bog roll understandable

    When 1 person sneezes, 10 people shit themselves

    1. Scott 53

      Re: Buying extra bog roll understandable

      Indeed. I used to cough to cover up a fart, but now I'm farting to cover up a cough, and accidents happen.

      1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Buying extra bog roll understandable

        I may steal this :)

        Oh, and have one of these ->

        1. Sulky

          Re: Buying extra bog roll understandable

          Feel free, I've open sourced it.

    2. Jamie Jones Silver badge

      Re: Buying extra bog roll understandable

      I was in a cafe this afternoon with my sister and nieces. One of them said something, and I glibly replied that "I probably have coronavirus".

      You know those times when you say something louder than you meant to?? Using the "outside voice" instead of the "inside one"?

      One woman in particular looked shocked...... I was a bit embaressed, and took a sip of my coffee... and it went down the wrong way, and I needed to cough.... I tried desperately to contain it, and stammered quietly, "oh shit, now I need to cough" ("oh ha ha, stop messing about" came the responses), snd then it happened, a big series of loud involuntary deep chokie coughs swiftly followed. The poor old woman looked mortified, even though she was at least 20 foot away...

      1. Robert Sneddon

        Stuffing packets from my humour buffer into my mouth driver...

        Sometimes you really need to watch what you say -- a while back I had successfully dieted to the point that people meeting up with me afterwards would comment on my slim(mer) appearance.

        "Hey Bob, you lost some weight?"

        My immediate, untruthful and instantly-regretted answer was one word.

        "Chemotherapy."

        The really really bad thing was I did it more than once.

        1. Stork Silver badge

          Re: Stuffing packets from my humour buffer into my mouth driver...

          I know, it has also appeared to me: perhaps I should remember always to engage the brain before the mouth.

          Or expressed differently: it is better to keep quiet and let people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove any doubt.

  19. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    No Toilet Paper

    ...left in the vehicle overnight

    Spotted written on the dirt on the back of a White Van.

  20. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    Lets start a rumour

    That coronovirus is attracted to devices that are connected to Facebook or Twitter

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Lets start a rumour

      and brexit voters!

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Lets start a rumour

        Brexititis may yet prove fatal to the UK

      2. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

        Re: and brexit voters!

        Everyone seems to have forgotten that, if we had left Europe on one of the peviously scheduled dates we might potentially* be in the middle of crippling product shortages right now.

        Is this* a practice run for what will happen in 2021?

        * Phrasing it in a way that hopefully* doesn't get codejunky lighting up his flame-thrower.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Lets start a rumour

      Or started by XR to cull the "human pandemic afflicting Gaia"

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Toilet Paper

    "Life is like toilet paper - you're either on a roll, or you're taking shit from some asshole" - Anon

  22. TrumpSlurp the Troll Silver badge
    Coat

    From the depths of a failing memory

    I'll have an Oasis curry please.

    .

    .

    .

    You get a (bog) roll with it.

    .

    .O.K. no need to push, I'm going.

  23. Stoneshop Silver badge
    Trollface

    just grep "a global pandemic" for "snowing"

    and last winter's column about teleworking is good to go.

    "How to stay in contact with your fellow workers when it's global pandemic heavily outside, coronavirus is piled several feet deep on the roads and you don't have antiviral tyres on your car?"

    1. stiine Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: just grep "a global pandemic" for "snowing"

      The Best Page in The Universe already did that. He republished something he wrote in 2009 and replaced Swine Flu with Coronavirus.

  24. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Stands t'reason

    We never 'ad this coroners vy-ris when we 'ad good 'onnest carbolic soap. It's the new-fangled detty-gents wot dun it. All us sed 'twould end in tears.

  25. Conundrum1885 Bronze badge

    Random

    Now would be the time to deploy a few small mobile telepresence units serving double duty as delivery droids and Pirateboxes.

    Making them waterproof is left as an exercise for the curious, but most cheap brushless motors are somewhat

    water resistant already especially ones from defunct self balancing boards or robot vacuum cleaners.

    Adding a pop-up screen wouldn't be ridiculous. "Hey can you put the goods in the basket and swipe the card on the

    reader, thanks!" Could also feasibly extend the range on the card using a magnetic relay system on an extending arm.

    Include a PIN typer solenoid + camera for the inevitable times it asks for this .

    I call this creation the "Pandembot".. heh heh.

  26. Danny 2 Silver badge

    Deep breath, deep clean

    Ireland is closing all their pubs. The French have closed all their restaurants. The Dutch are closing all their brothels. Scots are learning how to wash our hands using soup and hot water while singing the English national anthem - but cockaleekie or cullenskink?. London undertakers have started an online emotional support group.

    Wide-os are stockpiling bog paper and hand gel but the smart money is buying up quaternary ammonium and ionized hydrogen peroxide.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    H2O2

    Thought there was a small reactor that generated some, but alas they are sold out.

    There are a few ways to generate ozone at least, one method is a glow discharge plasma.

    Think the problem is that peroxide is a little hard to get though its possible to make

    at least drug store 9% grade fairly simply.

    Ozone from a DBD unit bubbled through water with an aquarium pump isn't that difficult but safer to use the positive pressure method or it will eat the pump rubber and plastics in short order.

    Note that this *might* upset a few folks at Homeland Security but to be honest they can

    go and whistle when lives are at stake in the current pandemic.

    http://www.uvresources.com/blog/the-ultraviolet-germicidal-irradiation-uv-c-wavelength/

    https://www.oxidationtech.com/ozone/ozone-production/uv-lamp.html

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: H2O2

      "... Note that this *might* upset a few folks at Homeland Security but to be honest they can

      go and whistle when lives are at stake in the current pandemic ..."

      The bigger problem is when some 'less than careful' idiot manages to 'accidently' decompose the H2O2 where it is 'not needed' and an explosion happens ... [also not needed] !!!

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