back to article BOFH: Gosh, IPv5? Why didn't I think of that? Say, how do you like the new windows in here? Take a look. Closer...

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns It's meeting time and the huddled masses of IT are collected in the open area. Heads turn as people try to understand why we're here and who called the meeting. The Boss looks blank. "I just called us all here today so we could observe a moment's silence for the passing of David, the …

  1. Neal L

    Ouch, I felt that. Just as I was relaxing back in my chair.

    1. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8146638

      (needs a bit of "temp trusted" to allow viewing)

  2. bobsmith2016

    Just what I needed with my morning coffee.

  3. Maverick

    Optional

    brilliant one Simon!

    putting hairline fractures in the base of the Boss's chair in preparation for the world's first pneumatic suppository – so the Boss understands firsthand what a pain in the arse is

    a new classic!

    1. Augie
      Gimp

      Re: Optional

      That.. cost me a keyboard and now going to have to resist the urge to try this on someone

      1. Chris King

        Re: Optional

        I take it you'll be wanting an ergonomic keyboard and another monitor then ?

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Optional

          What, only one keyboard?

    2. Outer mongolian custard monster from outer space (honest)

      Re: Optional

      `a mate with an EDM machine about putting hairline fractures in the base of the Boss's chair `

      Extra internets for knowing what a EDM is (they are quite specialized... I happen to own a wire which is why it caught me off guard) , but is it plunge or wire :D

      1. Jedit
        IT Angle

        "Extra internets for knowing what a EDM is"

        Electronic Dance Music?

        (I don't know, but I have the sneaking suspicion that this may be another redundant M.)

        1. WonkoTheSane
          Headmaster

          Re: "Extra internets for knowing what a EDM is"

          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electrical_discharge_machining

        2. Andrew Moore

          Re: "Extra internets for knowing what a EDM is"

          Electronic Distance Measurement

    3. Neil Barnes Silver badge

      Re: Optional

      Real world - actually happened in a previous company. Caused an awful lot of new chairs to be bought in a hurry...

    4. Fatman

      Re: Optional

      <quote>the world's first pneumatic suppository – so the Boss understands firsthand what a pain in the arse is</quote>

      I have a better suggestion for demonstrating what a pain in the ass is:

      Conceal a 5 HP, 3600RPM motor under the seat of an executive chair with a 12inch diameter concrete drill bit coupled directly to the motor's shaft. Mount this on a pedal operated mechanism to force drill bit upward, through the seat. Convince your victim executive in need of education to take a seat. Fasten restraining straps. Fire up the motor, and finally demonstrate exactly what a PITA (he/she) is.

      1. Kubla Cant Silver badge

        Re: Optional

        Very imaginative. But where does the donkey feature in this?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Optional

          "Very imaginative. But where does the donkey feature in this?"

          As both a witness and an alibi.

          Dress the donkey up in leather and lace and have it tied in the corner of the room. Do you think the company or family will want a lengthy investigation?

          1. heyrick Silver badge
            Coffee/keyboard

            Dress the donkey up in leather and lace

            You'd have thought by now I'd have learned not to be taking tea and BOFH comments at the same time...

        2. Trollslayer Silver badge

          Re: Optional

          Carefully?

      2. hplasm Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Optional

        5HP? How big an arsehole are we talking about here?

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: Optional

          How big an arsehole would you like to create?

    5. IceC0ld Silver badge

      Re: Optional

      I got as far as this :-

      The room gets suddenly more cramped as everyone takes a couple of steps away from the windows.

      had to stop for a few minutes, trying to get me breath back ffs :o)

      OMFG just got to :-

      What I'm not so keen on are questions like "What's a domain controller?", "Why do we need a router?" and "Does IPv6 cost more than IPv4'?", "Couldn't we try some IPv5 and upgrade to 6 in next year's budget?" and "Have you looked for cheaper IP on eBay?"

      I am howling here LOL

      1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
        Gimp

        Re: Optional

        You know you've been reading too much BOFH when:

        -As you read you are going 'uhu, yep, s'what I'd do, sounds reasonable, of course he would' etc.

        It's a shame because it becomes a bit less laugh out loud funny and more like the minutes from last weeks H&S audit.

    6. Anonymous Tribble

      Re: Optional

      putting hairline fractures in the base of the Boss's chair in preparation for the world's first pneumatic suppository

      Assuming the chair is made out of the usual aluminium alloy, just put some gallium (easily available on the usual online auction sites) inside the support. Then turn the heating up a bit. When it hits about 32°C the gallium will melt and slowly corrode the aluminium...

      I've been tempted to use that on the wheels of some of the boy racer types who insist on racing around the local streets at midnight.

    7. Ian Johnston Silver badge

      Re: Optional

      It happened with a batch of gas-suspension chairs in the early 90s. A Thames Valley Police sergeant was one of the first to discover just how eye watering a pneumatically propelled suppository could be.

  4. Ozan

    Bastard!

    Good one Simon

  5. Symon Silver badge
    Coat

    IPv5?

    "The protocol uses the version number 5 in the version field of the Internet Protocol header, but was never known as IPv5."

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_Stream_Protocol

    1. hmv Silver badge

      Re: IPv5?

      It may have been withdrawn too quickly for "5" to be included in IEN-119 (which mentions the "IP Version Number" assigned to ST).

  6. chivo243 Silver badge

    My chair recently started acting funny

    I think I might request a new one... I'm not a manager, but better safe than sorry!

  7. ridley

    As connoisseur of all things BOFH that is one of the best.

    ps someone owes me a new keyboard.

  8. Aladdin Sane Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Is anybody else clenching now or is it just me?

    1. Dr. G. Freeman

      Trying not to in case my chair is wired, could tear something muscley

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Clenching? When I read that I was out of my chair like a rocket and am now hanging from the lampshade typing with my toes...

  9. Lord Elpuss Silver badge

    Ruthlessly, viciously, take-no-prisoners effective. Just the way I like my BoFH :D

  10. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    >crack< >pop<

    "Aaaaaagh"

    >tilt<

    "WAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa"

    >crash<

    Can see that in my mind's eye...

  11. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    "the world's first pneumatic suppository"

    Priceless! Absolutely top notch episode!

    Loved the moment of (near) silence as well

  12. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Pneumatic suppository = new keyboard and fresh coffee.

  13. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Devil

    Brilliant idea!

    I use an EDM at work and have a boss whos a right pain in the bottom.... now... all I need is a distraction... say an urgent meeting at a customer (happily their robot wrangler and myself go back a long way.....) and about 2 hours on the EDM weakening the mounting plate... 5 mins reassembly work and note to myself reminding me not to take phone calls in that office.

    Note : EDM is electro-discharge machining uses an electrode(sometimes thin brass wire, sometimes a solid shaped piece of copper or graphte) to 'spark' away metal in a very precise way.

    1. Sam not the Viking

      Re: Brilliant idea!

      In the 1970's, there was a debate in the office over which of two managers was the heavier. It was a choice between tall and chubby or short and spherical. In time, the discussion turned real; a book was started, certainties questioned, money was involved.

      We new graduates were charged with solving the problem and we decided that strain-gauging the centre-tubes of their chairs would get the problem determined.

      Unfortunately, it was just another great idea that never ran to completion. The heavier took early retirement.

  14. Roger Kynaston Bronze badge
    Mushroom

    Can I propose that we skip IPv6 and implement IPv20

    After all with IoT we are going to need more addresses and we don't want to be in the situation that IPv4 is in again.

    That way we will be OK till the heat death of the universe.

    First class BOFH though.

  15. Chris G Silver badge

    Cheka-mate

    The BOFH is at the top of his game, inspiring levels of fear comparable to Beria in the 1920s.

    Aren't all Volvos full screen f concrete? I have pushed one belonging to a mate when it broke down, felt like trying to bump start a combined harvester.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: Cheka-mate

      Combined with what, concrete?

  16. Psmo Silver badge

    Dude, Rule 34

    preparation for the world's first pneumatic suppository

    You sure about that?

    No Google is not, in this case, your friend. Or even your pretend friend secretly stalking you.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  17. Whatsinitforme
    WTF?

    Nice.....

    Proper planning of events about to occur, and knowledge of how long it takes for all staff to gather in the proper meeting room in order to have everybody see the head of accounting's passing...

  18. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Trollface

    "There are no stupid questions..." as I always start my Q&A sessions

    "...only stupid people"

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Re: "There are no stupid questions..." as I always start my Q&A sessions

      "but there are inquisitive idiots".

      1. Shooter

        Re: "There are no stupid questions..." as I always start my Q&A sessions

        I had that Demotivator on my desk for several years.

    2. timrowledge

      Re: "There are no stupid questions..." as I always start my Q&A sessions

      Wrong. Wrongetty wrong with wrongknobs on.

      Quora provides an existence proof that not only are there stupid questions but that there are a near infinite number of people sufficiently stupid that they are willing to ask them again and again and again ad infinitum.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just Passing

    "I just called us all here today so we could observe a moment's silence for the passing of David, the Head of Accounting," I say as a shadow passes by the window heading downward, accompanied by a muffled scream.

    Clever! Now to clean the coffee off my monitor...

    1. Baldrickk Silver badge

      Re: Just Passing

      It's all about the timing.

  20. Terry 6 Silver badge

    AH yes

    "Does IPv6 cost more than IPv4'?", "Couldn't we try some IPv5 and upgrade to 6 in next year's budget?

    If not exactly that I've come across that mixture of parsimony, ignorance and inability to let the experts do their jobs a good few times.

    Never ends well, but the crass idiots who come up with this stuff will have moved on long before the chickens are roosting.

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: AH yes

      IPv5 YES! aren't the even numbered versions supposed to be crap anyway?

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: AH yes

        No. The even numbers are the good ones. It's the odd numbers that you have to avoid. Eventually when people cotton on to that fact, they stop numbering them and start naming them instead.

        e.g. IPvGenerations, IPvFirstContact, IPvNemesis.

  21. Nunyabiznes Silver badge

    I needed this

    As Title says.

    Long week dealing with HR, Payroll, Facilities(!), and yes, Accounting. It is almost as much fun fantasizing about actually doing a BOFH on some of them as it is fantasizing how I'm going to spend my lotto winnings.

    Thanks once again Simon!

  22. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Sometimes everything seems so RIGHT in the world.

    Especially after reading the latest BOFH

  23. Charlie Clark Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    I have a question

    Raising my hand with a sense of trepidation, but who is conducting the interviews on the fourth floor?

    1. Hot Diggity

      Re: I have a question

      My guess would be Gina.

  24. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    Volvo

    Having owned a 245D at one time, I can only imagine adding concrete would possibly have it sinking through most road surfaces that currently exist. It was dense enough to start with. However it would make a rather solid stopping surface.

  25. Whyohwhy

    EDM Machine

    Surely the PFY would use one of those EDM Machines? https://phys.org/news/2020-02-universe.html

    It's normal for Geeks to dream about changing fundamental universal symmetries to shaft their PHBs, right? Not that just me?

    Also, if you lalk about the sparklies, the M already stands for Machining. So, ED Machine.

  26. stiine Silver badge
    Pint

    Classic!

    See above.

  27. TomPhan

    No such thing as a stupid question

    just questions asked by stupid people

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: No such thing as a stupid question

      It's only a stupid question if the person could be reasonably be expected to know that. Most non IT personnel wouldn't know IP from UPS, and why should you expect them to? Most 'stupid' questions or 'stupid' people result from ignorance - which is curable if you bother. People have different talents and abilities & as a result different information sets - I would like to see any IT guy/gal trying to match Usain Bolt or Einstein, not that either would denigate you for not being able to keep up.

      Lets face the BOFH and PFY are criminal scum, serial killers in IT - some times they as characters go far too far and it ceases to be funny.

      1. Cyril

        Re: No such thing as a stupid question

        Now, who went and let an accountant in here?

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: No such thing as a stupid question

        Yes, but no, since an IT manager would be expected to know IT terminology. But then, as an IT manager yourself you know you should know this stuff, right?

  28. earl grey Silver badge
    Pint

    Thank you

    Have one (or several).

  29. IanTP
    Thumb Up

    New equipment required!

    Thank you, although you do owe me a new keyboard and monitor, due to 'issues' quite possibly the best BOFH yet :)

  30. Blackjack Silver badge

    Wait...

    Who will approve the budget if the Boss is dead?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Wait...

      In business, there's always another boss.

      Either go up a hierarchy level, or someone will do a horizontal land-grab to gain control of the budget.

    2. skeptical i
      Devil

      Re: Wait...

      I'm fairly certain there's already an approval form, properly back-dated and with something closely approximating the ... late (such a shame) ... Boss's signature, on its way to the next link in the procurement food chain.

  31. Aussie Doc Bronze badge
    Pint

    Oh.

    I noticed many of the folk seemed scared of "Windows" and wondered if there was another upgrade expected.

    My bad.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The only stupid question...

    ...is the one you don't know the answer to but are too afraid/embarressed/smartarsed to ask.

    And if anyone tells you "Oh, *that's* a stupid question, *everyone* knows that!" you can point out that they are obviously wrong - and stupid - since *you* didn't know the answer.

    Unless you keep asking "Are we there yet?". That's not a question, that is grounds for re-education with a high-voltage cattleprod...

  33. devilsinthedetails

    off topic - interesting

    Just found this, though you may have to use a translation service if your Norwegian isn't up to scratch. Thought the name and functionality was amusing, though I might just be easily amused.

    https://www.uio.no/tjenester/it/brukernavn-passord/bofh/index.html

  34. HKmk23

    The new layout designer should be the target

    I hate the new layout, perhaps this episode will give someone at the Reg an idea of how to deal with him/her?

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