back to article OK, which Dombås stuffed Windows 10 to bursting at Swedish flatpack flinger?

Considering the origins of the word "bork!", we were delighted when news reached Vulture Central of IKEA getting in on the act. Spotted at the Swedish furniture and household tat supplier's doomed Coventry store by Register reader Simon Jones, today's borkage is brought to you by the number 10 and the words "Windows wants more …

  1. ArrZarr Silver badge
    Holmes

    "Relationship-ending"

    I've never understood this part of Ikea's reputation - the instructions are second only to Lego and even somebody cack-handed and piss weak like me can put everything together solo...so why do it together?

    1. ClockworkOwl
      Mushroom

      Re: "Relationship-ending"

      It's a classic team building exercise.

      Guaranteed to cement long lasting team resentments..!

      1. Jellied Eel Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        Guaranteed to cement long lasting team resentments..!

        Easily solved. Get cement, invite soon to be ex-partner to participate in building a lovely new patio, where they can spend may happy hours outdoors.

        Meanwhile, you can go find a non-Ikea sofa that has more chance of not producing ominous creaks or splinters when breaking in a new partner. Be gentle with me, this bed is from Ikea..

        1. Joe W Silver badge
          Coffee/keyboard

          Re: "Relationship-ending"

          "when breaking in a new partner"

          Looking at the name of the commentard...

      2. uncredited
        Coat

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        > Guaranteed to cement long lasting team resentments..!

        Isn't that the purpose of all team building exercises?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Relationship-ending"

      "the instructions are second only to Lego"

      Lego, Tamiya, and Ikea - the best instructions I've seen by miles ...

      1. DavCrav Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        I am being constantly afflicted by Peppa Pig at the moment. One episode requires them to assemble a wardrobe. The instructions say there are -0.8 of one type of screw, and to place part V5 near A, with arrows heading in all directions.

        Daddy Pig's conclusion? "Hmmm. It's no good. It's nonsense."

        1. lybad

          Re: "Relationship-ending"

          The scary thing is, iirc, Daddy Pig works in an architect's office?

          1. DavCrav Silver badge

            Re: "Relationship-ending"

            Yes. He has the formula for solving a quadratic on his whiteboard and everything.

            Although, to be fair, the programme showed you the instructions, and they were nonsense.

            1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge
              Coat

              Re: the programme showed you the instructions, and they were nonsense.

              They might be nonsense to use supposed adults but to the age group that Peppa-Pig is aimed at... they might make total sense.

              Mines the one with a proper toolkit in the lining. Be prepared and all that.

      2. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        Lego, Tamiya, and Ikea - the best instructions I've seen by miles …

        Rand-McNally - the best directions I've seen for miles.

        1. quxinot Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: "Relationship-ending"

          >Rand-McNally - the best directions I've seen for miles.

          Get out. Here's your coat!

    3. 9Rune5 Silver badge

      Re: "Relationship-ending"

      AFAIK, it ain't the instructions.

      It is the shopping experience itself.

      If your local IKEA is heavily visited, you'll struggle from the moment you try to find a parking spot. Next you will be squeezing by perfect strangers, while YSO starts going on about "ooh, we need a new bookshelf" and "look! a three legged coffee table! Great idea!".

      Basically it should trigger all your fight or flee instincts.

      The actual assembly is bliss in comparison. (unless you accidentally forgot to buy all the components you needed)

      I make sure to visit my local IKEA as early in the day as possible. I once managed to go there when the roads were almost closed to to a nasty snow blizzard. I got the entire parking lot all to myself. There was very little friction that day.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        "unless you accidentally forgot to buy all the components you needed" I ended up sleeping on half a bed, as I bought 1 set of slats... it required two. Whoops.

      2. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        There was very little friction that day.

        Due to black ice, presumably.

        1. Nunyabiznes Silver badge

          Re: "Relationship-ending"

          Ba Dum Tish!

      3. Montreal Sean

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        @9Rune5

        My wife and I solved those IKEA problems.

        We order online with in store pickup.

        No charge, reserved spaces by the door, all required boxes together so we know we didn't miss one on the shelves.

        And if you buy the non-particle board furniture it actually is pretty decent.

      4. Boo Radley

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        Ikea was one of the biggest reasons that my ex is my ex. I'll never again date anyone that even likes shopping there, let alone loves it.

      5. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        It is the shopping experience itself.

        I'm happy to say that I've never (to the best of my recollection) set foot in said store. I prefer to have proper furniture..

        (When we got married we went on a nationwide tour with a van, blagging old furniture off various family members. I think the only self-assembly stuff we have is some bookcases.. And those were (possibly) MFI.)

    4. R J

      Re: "Relationship-ending"

      Ahh, but the problem is that without fail there will be only 7 out of 8 bolts, or screws, or whatnot.

      It's happened to me the last 3 times I bought anything from Ikea (mind you the last time was 10 years ago, I refuse to go there anymore). I've learned to live by Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness, meaning I buy quality that last instead.

      After the first two times I thought that at least buying kettles should be safe. Nope, the handles on the covers get lose after some years. It's also amusing with the rust on the so-called stainless steel.. And don't even get me started on the "quality" of anything electronic. Had to return one lamp when it melted the plastic parts inside. Good thing the house didn't catch fire, though the smell was awefull. Other things either stop working or the plastic clips inside break so nothing is fastened properly anymore.

      1. TeraTelnet

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        I, on the other hand, have ended up with spare screws etc in the packets the last few times I've built anything from Ikea.

      2. IGotOut Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        Aha...that explains why I often have more items than I need...they just don't like you and pass them to others.

        BTW. IKEA goods are often rebranded mainstream items.

        I once bought a cooker by an "unknown" brand having found it was the company that supplies IKEA....for a fraction of the cost.

      3. IsJustabloke
        Stop

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        "Ahh, but the problem is that without fail there will be only 7 out of 8 bolts, or screws, or whatnot."

        This has never been the case with anything I've ever bought from IKEA (and I have lots!) in fact the exact opposite is usually true.

        Honestly, anyone who struggles with Ikea stuff must be a numpty of the highest order.

      4. Stork Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        My experience is totally different. I have bought IKEA-stuff in 4 countries, including for our rental houses, and I am deeply impressed. I may have missed 1 or 2 bits in total (out of what, 40+ packs? More?) and nothing that ever stopped me assembling things. One I had to drill a new hole.

        If you have experience with alternative suppliers (of self-assembly stuff), you realise how well they actually do.

        1. Martin-73 Silver badge

          Re: "Relationship-ending"

          "If you have experience with alternative suppliers (of self-assembly stuff), you realise how well they actually do."

          1 million times this. The stuff's never pre-broken, the instructions are a doddle, and you can buy Swedish meatballs while there. (not forgetting the jam!)

      5. steviebuk Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        Message them, like I do, on Twitter and they'll sort out replacements. But yeah, their stuff isn't exactly top quality. I only started going recently, didn't know what all the fuss was about, thought they were high quality, expensive staff. But no, all cheap and OK quality but at least their instructions are as good as Lego.

      6. Carpet Deal 'em Bronze badge
        Boffin

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        It's also amusing with the rust on the so-called stainless steel.

        Stainless steel isn't as rust proof as you might think: it won't rust on its own accord, but it'll "catch" rust from ordinary steel - and stainless things(even those meant for outdoors use!) frequently come with non-stainless fasteners.

        1. Martin-73 Silver badge

          Re: "Relationship-ending"

          Also depending on the grade, heat may allow corrosion to start.. and once it starts... it's going to continue

    5. Kubla Cant Silver badge

      Re: "Relationship-ending"

      If you think it's bad shopping at Ikea with somebody else, you should try doing it solo. (There's nowhere more depressing than places like Ikea, B&Q etc when you're trailing round at 7:30 after a day's work.)

      Having amazingly found all the stuff I needed in the warehouse and negotiated the checkout, I find myself on the pavement outside the store, where some dickhead has erected a set of steel hoops to make sure you can't take the trolley into the car park. So you have the choice of carrying several hundredweight of chipboard to the car all at once, or leaving your valuable purchases to be pillaged while you go to look for your car.

    6. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

      Re: "so why do it together?"

      Some equipment requires 2 persons to assemble (or 1 person with at least 4 arms).

      1. ArrZarr Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: "so why do it together?"

        I've always considered tasks that require two people to be tests on how proud you are and how unlikely you are to accept help. Ikea has yet to beat me.

    7. N2 Silver badge

      Re: "Relationship-ending"

      You actually need instructions?

      1. ArrZarr Silver badge

        Re: "Relationship-ending"

        Depends what you're building. Some things you end up with a lot of very similar but not quite the same metal rods that fit together in a specific way - the triangular trestle table stands are a good example.

    8. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Do you mean you look at the instructions?

      Instructions should only be read whilst on the toilet unless you are

      1) female

      2) wondering where the extra parts go, TIP: dont you can save the extra bits for next time or encorporate into your own projects

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Never mind that, how the hell do I get out of this store, I've been trapped here now for five days without food and water.

    Richard O'Brian should do the meet and greet for when you enter the Chipboard Maze.

    1. Kane Silver badge
    2. katrinab Silver badge
      Coat

      Follow the arrows. It will take you to the exit by the longest possible route covering the entire floorspace, but you are at least guaranteed to get out of there eventually.

      1. Rich 11 Silver badge

        Take 20ft of det cord

        ...and create your own exit.

        Better to be safe than sorry.

      2. Paul Herber Silver badge

        ~You are in a maze of twisty passages all alike. There is a troll holding up a table lamp.

      3. FrogsAndChips Silver badge

        In the stores I've visited there are a few shortcuts but you need to know they exist and look for them carefully.

        1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. Jellied Eel Silver badge

          In the stores I've visited there are a few shortcuts but you need to know they exist and look for them carefully.

          Do they sell chainsaws and axes*? Or would that be taking Ikea's self-assembly ethos too far? But fastest way to find the exit might be to simply ask where their WW2 memorabilia section is.

          *Proper Swedish superstores sell those, presumably for the section of Sweden's population that doesn't live in Stockholm, and shares that Australian habit of going bush. Or disappearing into the woods to get hammered on their snowberry booze. Which is awesome. Stores are also a great place to stock up on decent winter gear.

        3. N2 Silver badge

          Fire exit?

        4. Paul Herber Silver badge

          xyzzy

          Didn't work.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            try endo

            or enter door

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        >Follow the arrows. It will take you to the exit by the longest possible route covering the entire floorspace, but you are at least guaranteed to get out of there eventually.

        It would make for a good prank to break into (or hide in wardrobe at closing) an Ikea store and paint some arrows pointing in random directions.

    3. Will Godfrey Silver badge
      Unhappy

      Horror story reminder

      Many years ago, an ex-partner of mine would occasionally get a sort of claustrophobic panic attack in confined spaces. She started to have one when we were in Ikea, and I got hold of one of the rare shop floor walkers. When trying to explain the situation, I was haughtily told to just follow the arrows. Even though my partner was now visibly shaking the guy still wouldn't help. Eventually I lost patience and moved determinedly towards a fire door. To the cry of "Don't. You'll set of the alarms." I said "I know" and turned towards the door again. He at last decided it would be a good idea to guide us out quickly. I was almost carrying the girl by the time we got to the exit, and we never went there again. We also made sure all of our family and friends as possible knew of the experience.

      P.S.

      I got no reply when I wrote in a formal complaint.

      1. eionmac

        Re: Horror story reminder

        It is for this precise reason, no REAL instructions to way out, that I have abandoned buying at two stories in Warrington Marks& Spencer and IKEA.

        No ROOF marked guide (easiest way in flat topped warehouse size stores) to fire exits and no visible way out when in aisles.

    4. hawkshaw

      Getting out of the store is one thing but then you have to exit the car park ...

      https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-berkshire-45000545

  3. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    An easy solution...

    I have experienced in other stores where they put a small speaker box on all the aisle end caps with a small illuminated number sign above it.

    You press the button, someone asks you how they can assist, & you then tell them what you're searching for.

    The rep tells you on the aisle which the item can be found, or in the case of being lost, how to get to the customer service counter at the front of the store.

    This is for adults that have lost their kids, kids losing their adults, members of a group to reconnect with other shoppers from their group, etc.

    This cut down on the interruptions the floor employees had to handle from folks trying to find stuff, report missing kids, & alert the store that there was a situation that needed dealing with (spills, injuries, etc).

    The money spent establishing the system was balanced out by the increase of productivity by the floor staff no longer constantly interrupted to do other tasks by armies of clueless shoppers. Not that all the shoppers are clueless, but the smart ones see the "Need Help? Press the button." boxes & prove to the employees not *all* the Human race deserves to be removed from the gene pool.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: An easy solution...

      >I have experienced in other stores where they put a small speaker box on all the aisle end caps with a small illuminated number sign above it.

      Does the sign say in large friendly letters "Don't Panic" ?

      1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: An easy solution...

        See icon...

  4. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge

    Bork! Bork! Bork!

    I prefer the Swedish chef "how to make a chocolate moose" skit myself. Cracks me up every time I watch it.

    1. Jay 2

      Re: Bork! Bork! Bork!

      Yep, pure genius!

  5. s. pam
    Coat

    How to spot the couples headed to divorce court?

    They're at IKEA at the weekend.

    Wives happily picking up carp you don't need, and their buildings are a giant Farraday Cage so men cannot get sports on their mobile to numb their brains.

    (No borkage was done creating this message)

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: How to spot the couples headed to divorce court?

      Is the carp sold alongside the meatballs?

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: How to spot the couples headed to divorce court?

        Is the carp sold alongside the meatballs?

        No - it's sold on the "I'm a cultural relic from the 1970s" counter. Right next to the interactive racism display..

    2. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: How to spot the couples headed to divorce court?

      You're dating the wrong people.

      One of my friends made it into Ikea, grabbed the item she wanted, and was back at the car within eight minutes. On a Sunday.

  6. IGotOut Silver badge

    IKEA is great

    Take an item, rip it to pieces and make something useful and interesting.

    If you've never seen this, StartPage* IKEA hacks.

    * Can we all start using "StartPage it" instead of Google it?

    1. JDPower

      Re: IKEA is great

      Given that Startpage is also now an ad company - no!

    2. Zarno Bronze badge
      Holmes

      Re: IKEA is great

      Now I'm tempted to Google Search to see if StartPage is a search service, the condensation of the literal "Go to the start page of the browser and type it in there." into a verb, or if it's a third party plugin.

      1. katrinab Silver badge
        Alert

        Re: IKEA is great

        A search engine owned by Privacy One Group. Privacy One Group are a behavoural ad tracking service and the complete opposite of private.

    3. DavCrav Silver badge

      Re: IKEA is great

      "Can we all start using "StartPage it" instead of Google it?"

      AltaVista it? Lycos it?

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: IKEA is great

        Bing it!

        Sorry. I've already got my coat, k'thnx, bye!

        1. DavCrav Silver badge

          Re: IKEA is great

          "Bing it!"

          And I thought I was bringing up obscure and long-forgotten search engines.

  7. stu 4

    8gb for a security update

    Why do people put up with that sort of mince ?

  8. Poonlit

    Not what I expected

    Here I thought I was going to get an interesting article about t Norwegian town up at the watershed.

    https://goo.gl/maps/mifMXye3g8m4PdW89

  9. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  10. TRT Silver badge

    Hours of amusement...

    One game that we played to while away the long winter evenings was to get into a group and give the IKEA catalogue to someone who opened it at random, picked an object from the page and read the name out. The rest of the group then had to guess what the said object actually was, chair, bed, cup, light etc. If anyone guessed correctly, they took the catalogue & the poor devils that guessed wrong had to down a nubbe of whatever brännvin the Swedish postgrad student had bought on her way back through duty free last time. Rinse and repeat until last man standing and everyone else is comatose.

  11. Daedalus Silver badge

    Don't Panic!

    "Simon Jones", eh?

    What would Douglas Adams done with IKEA?

    "After following the instructions, you would have something that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a bookshelf"

    "IKEA will re-open when we have received a shipment of those little screw things that you never seem to have enough of. Until then there will be a short delay. RETURN TO YOUR SEATS."

    "There is a theory that states that if anybody figures out what IKEA instructions are all about, they will immediately be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable. There is another theory that states that this has already happened."

    "Arthur read through the instructions to the last line, which was 'A suffusion of yellow'"

  12. FrogsAndChips Silver badge
    Headmaster

    Dombås

    What's a doom-boss?

    1. 9Rune5 Silver badge

      Re: Dombås

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Domb%C3%A5s

    2. Zarno Bronze badge
      Coat

      Re: Dombås

      Sorta like this.

      https://doom.fandom.com/wiki/Baron_of_Hell/Doom

      Mine's the one with a copy of everything but Doom3 in the pocket.

  13. NanoMeter

    Wrong country

    "Dombås" is a Norwegian town.

    1. 9Rune5 Silver badge

      Re: Wrong country

      IKEA sometimes use Norwegian monikers. "STAVANGER" does not sound very Swedish to me.

      "BORÖY" is another somewhat curious one. In Norway we use 'Ø' instead of 'Ö' (mostly a typographical difference but still). "Øy" is the Norwegian word for "ö" (island).

      And good luck finding "BRIMNES" on a map of Sweden.

      So the article author isn't wholly off-base here. DOMBÅS could easily make it as a future product name. (or might have been used in the past for all I know)

  14. adnim
    Meh

    There are people using Win 10

    in a production environment?

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2020