back to article Behuld – zee-a internet ouff tuilet tissuoe at Meecrusufft Sveden. Bork bork bork!

The Register took a trip to Microsoft's shiny new Stockholm HQ to check out what the company's employees have to look forward to over the next decade - and came away more informed about smart metred loo roll. While the bulldozers continue doing their thing in Redmond (and social media is alive with staffers dealing with the …

  1. Blockchain commentard

    No partitions today. Tomorrow, the managers order whiteboards, many boxes of paper, coat racks. You get the idea.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I hate open plan. The noise and distractions from others is *so* annoying. There are a number of people around here who I routinely fantasise about caving their heads in with a mallet....and these are people who have been in an open plan environment for years. I hate to image what it;s like transplanting people who are used to an individual office/cube into an open plan environment

      1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

        Headphones, conference calls and open plan offices.

        Three things that go great together!

    2. Stoneshop Silver badge

      The IKEA Öffice product line

      should include the Pårtitiön.

      And there will be much rejoicing.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm sorry

    says the Loo Roll in a 'Clippy'd' Swedish accent.

    "You have excceded your alloted number of sheets of toilet paper for today"

    "May we recomment some adult diapers? Available from...."

    Nanny Microsoft strikes again.

    I am so glad that I'm retired.

    They'll be monitoring everything their employees do every minute of the day (and night given half a chance)

    Smart === Surveilance.

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Re: I'm sorry


      I am dreading the day that Sainsburys, Tesco et al use AFR and their checkout machine loudly declaims, "Sorry, you have drunk too much already and have exceeded your alcohol unit allowance". This would be where AI and me diverge quite quickly.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge

        Re: I'm sorry

        This would be where AI and me diverge quite quickly.

        Alcoholics Identification?

        1. gypsythief

          Re: I'm sorry

          Alcoholics Identification?

          Wot? This is Britain: you don't need to be an alcoholic to drink too much around these parts.

          Anglo-saxon Incoming! is quite sufficient, thank you.

          1. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

            Re: Binge Drinking

            > Wot? This is Britain: you don't need to be an alcoholic to drink too much around these parts.

            The BMA + research industry re-badged "Binge Drinking" to be ~1.5 pints.

      2. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: I'm sorry

        This would be where AI and me diverge quite quickly.

        I've already decided to diverge. Bought the super-sized "bag" of toilet paper that was on sale for a great price. At the register, got handed a coupon for Kaopectate. What the hell????

      3. Public Citizen

        Re: I'm sorry

        That would be the point when yours truly would be opening up the nearest bottle and emptying the contents into whatever ventilation ports were handiest.

        On a second go-round I would make sure to have something very sticky available to hand and repeat the procedure.

        Until AI adopts Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics these sorts of "disagreements" will continue to proliferate.

        And since AI don't have hands or the ability to use sledge hammers guess who's going to be the eventual winner? It's called learning by having your terminals reduced to fodder for the scrap bin, which is analogous to a 3 year old having it's fingers slammed in a door after being warned.

    2. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

      Did someone say clippy?

      It looks like you're having a shit. Would you like some help with that?

      1. hplasm

        Re: Did someone say clippy?


        Internet of Three Seashells.

        It is coming...

  3. Daedalus Silver badge

    Know your people

    The real hard case developers bring their own loo rolls. And bar soap. Trust me, I've seen it. What do you think cargo pants are for?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Know your people

      Really? Personally I try to time my bowel movements so they occur during working hours and I can use company loo'd be amazed how much money I save that way.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Know your people

        Absolutely! Not to mention that it's during paid hours, so you save on resource while getting paid to do it! Winner-winner!!

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Know your people

          Take the laptop with you and you actually regain cubicle working. Winning all round.

  4. macjules Silver badge

    Børk, børk børk?

    Surely you mean Bjørk, bjørk, bjørk?

    Oh wait, she's from Iceland.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Børk, børk børk?

      If we're doing Muppets Swedish Chef.. then "isker do"!!!!!

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh, sweet Zarquon ...

    Looks like someone gave manglement a copy of 'Snow Crash'[1] to read and they took it a bit too literally ...

    [1] - see here ...

  6. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    Next their bog rolls will be equipped with defocused temporal perception ...

    and will know when they will be needed before the users do. Nice idea on the face of it, but they will become prone to sulking in basements.

    I'd better be going. Doffs hat (black fedora today) to the late, great Douglas Adams

  7. jake Silver badge

    It'll all end in tears.

    People aren't psychologically built to live in fish bowls, no matter how much the bean counters wish it were so.

    1. First Light Silver badge

      Re: It'll all end in tears.

      Open plan is hell for introverts.

      1. jake Silver badge

        Re: It'll all end in tears.

        "Open plan is a first layer of hell."


  8. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "the UK government admitted this year that only half of households would have smart meters by next year"

    I don't count that as an admission, I (dis)count it as another optimistic electioneering statement.

    1. Stoneshop Silver badge

      only half of households would have smart meters by next year

      I tend to read 'by' in such sentences as 'close to'. And as this refers to government, the 'close to' should have an implicit '...but not really' added.

  9. LeahroyNake

    Smart meter saved a few £

    While I have a smart meter for Gaz and Leccy (it's a UK thing apparently) my partner does not. When the lights started flickering then went out last week we were going to phone an electrician but we noticed that the 'old fashioned' meter kept restarting so phoned the distributor as an alternative. Turns out the previous occupier was on the super duper fast service list, 6 hunky men turned up and fiddled with the pole outside within an hour and all was good.

    I'm pretty sure the new smart meters have backup batteries and I therefore would have paid around £150 for an electrician that couldn't have fixed the problem.

    New and smart my arse.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Smart meter saved a few £

      It's surprising how quick they can turn up when there's a problem like that. A few months ago there was a problem with the neutral. Once I'd reported it they were quite panicky about making sure everyone in the houses affected shut things off to avoid damage. It's probably the possibility of being on the hook for damage that motivates them.

  10. SVV

    Seen in LIDL today : Christmas toilet rolls

    With a picture of a festive snowman on each sheet. I am not joking. What the hell were they thinking?

    (Yes, my nearest supermarket is a LIDL. I despise the place, there's only ever one checkout open, but it's much the most convenient)

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Seen in LIDL today : Christmas toilet rolls

      I guess the snowman ranks right up there with the bog rolls that have politician's faces on them?

  11. HildyJ Silver badge

    The Point of Open Offices

    As the article makes clear, Microsoft has built an office that cannot support all staff on site. This is the point of open offices. Companies want you to work from home thus saving them the cost of rent, heating and cooling, electricity for your PC, and, of course, toilet paper. The only time you'll need to go to the office is to turn in your PC and get fired for not putting in enough productive work.

    1. Claverhouse Silver badge

      Re: The Point of Open Offices

      Until a lady CEO decides people working at home can't be trusted, and orders that they all be brung home to the mothership.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: The Point of Open Offices

        Or your client complains to your boss' boss about reaction times and everyone needs to start proving your working hours.

  12. Claverhouse Silver badge

    It is probably best not work out just how big the carbon footprint of a collection of hacks flown on BA's finest came to.

    Can't they all stay home and just get a print-out from Reuters ?

  13. Venerable and Fragrant Wind of Change

    Demarcation, Comrades!

    Hey, isn't the bog supposed to be Dabbs's territory? Is this story a land-grab in Reg internal politics, or shouldn't Dabbsy have marked that lamppost so emphatically in the first place?

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Demarcation, Comrades!

      Dabsy shouldn't have announced himself as being on holiday although maybe he wouldn't have counted a trip to see a Microsoft office as a seasonal jolly.

      And on the subject of demarcation your handle seems quite apt.

  14. W.S.Gosset Silver badge

    "Smart-meters" = deliberately deceptive badging/naming

    > €2,000 Vattenfall smart meter aimed at adding a bit more transparency into electricity consumption.

    ... the UK government admitted this year that only 50% of households would have smart meters by next year, and maybe 85% by 2024

    Errr. People ARE aware that smart meters are NOT designed for the consumer but for the supplier, right?

    Their purpose is to be a remote-control for your house.

    Their primary function is to be able to turn-down your intraday supply AKA brown-out, so that they can "demand-manage" AKA brown-out. The traders on the short-term electricity desks love them: good for P&L, GREAT for quietly getting round demand-forecast errors (e.g. renewables' collapses).


    You'll note that it was the industry lobbying for smart meters. And lobbying hard.

    Hands up everyone who believes the utilities companies are sainted martyrs for the common weal, wonderful self-sacrificing philanthropists with no thought but for the protection of the little guy?

    Avoid smart meter installation for as long as you can.

  15. J.G.Harston Silver badge

    Smart metred loo roll? So, it cleverly comes in 1000mm sections?

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