back to article What a load of bollards! Object of bloke's street furniture romp run over

In what is certainly a crowded field, step forward the Doncaster Free Press and take a bow for the best local news headline of 2019: "Doncaster traffic bollard used by man for sex 'killed' in road smash". Yes, it seems a tragic bollard used by a man to enjoy himself just one month ago has been damaged in a possibly entirely …

  1. m4r35n357

    Ho Ho Ho

    . . . . possibly entirely unrelated incident . . .

  2. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. KittenHuffer Silver badge

      Re: Ho Ho Ho

      So good you posted it twice!

      1. m4r35n357

        Re: Ho Ho Ho

        Oops, it seemed to disappear after I logged in. And I deleted the wrong one . . . ;)

  3. KittenHuffer Silver badge

    The state of education in this country today!

    I believe the poor man must have been mis-educated concerning the meaning of the words "Road hump"!

    1. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: The state of education in this country today!

      “It wasn’t my fault, it was the asphalt”

      1. Huw D

        Re: The state of education in this country today!

        She was only the roadmender's daughter, but she liked her asphalt.

    2. Korev Silver badge

      Re: The state of education in this country today!

      "I was driving along the road and came across a sleeping policeman"

  4. Richard Gray 1

    post lunch...

    I hope he doesn't end up HGV positive....

  5. Blockchain commentard

    Obviously a car got jealous on that two timing bollard. (In your best EastEnders accent/screech) If I can't have 'im, no one can.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Nah, don' do it. Leave 'im, Pete, he's not worf it!

  6. jmal555

    Sounds like an autoerotic accident.

    ... I'll get me coat.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is that a bollard in your pocket...

    or are you just deformed?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is that a bollard in your pocket...

      Just tuck it into your sock like normal people!

  8. Semtex451

    Is this sex trafficking?


    1. MiguelC Silver badge

      If it's the same guy that did both deeds, it's domestic violence.

      Won't anyone think of the bollards?

      1. TwistedPsycho

        Do we have to set up a GoFundMe for the bollards family so they can instruct a solicitor to sue the local highways department for putting the bollards life at extreme risk?

      2. Mandoscottie

        those poor orphaned cones!

  9. Neil 32

    It's at times like this I miss the PlayMobil recreations!

    A pint (which I shall raise in a local resurrected pub later), in memory of Lester

    1. Semtex451

      Wholeheartedly Seconded!

  10. Tikimon

    Possible scenarios...

    1. One encounter was enough to let the bollard know that this was not a good partner. He thought ONLY of himself and his own pleasure, couldn't be bothered to undress, and didn't even wait for the bollard to finish. There's lonely and there's horny, but everyone has their limit and the bollard saw him off. Spurned by his (likely only) sexual outlet, in a fit of jealous despair he ran it over in a drunken rage then threw himself from a bridge. Thus ended another sordid tale of crap lovers who won't take "Piss off" for an answer.

    2. After standing for years, with hundreds flowing past every day without a single thought for a lonely bollard... one day... HE came. Well, not at first. First there were the carefully-casual glances. Then open interest and ever more intense flirting. Finally, he screwed up his nerve and approached. It was a whirlwind romance, leading rapidly to a glow-inducing conclusion. But then... he never called again. The poor lonely bollard had been TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF by a heartless player out for a quick romp in a private... well, semi-private... intersection. Carried to the heights of romance, only to take the long fall of disillusionment, the bollard had nothing left to stand for. Watching its chance, it viciously taunted the car of a drunk driver (hell hath no fury) which promptly crashed into the bollard. And another lonely life senselessly ended.

    3. It wasn't the first one-morning stand that turned into true love. The bollard never imagined it might find romance in such an unexpected way (and place). But such lovers are often star-crossed, and these were no different. The bollard's new beau was the son of a powerful organized crime figure, a cruel and bigoted man who would never countenance an affair between his son and a damned low-life public servant bollard. Daring fate, they risked it all to pursue their passion in secret. But the tentacles of crime reach far and never rest. Discovered, they had only minutes to flee. The bollard was reluctant to abandon its post (they're very dedicated) and it took one critical minute too many to convince it to abandon duty and leave with her lover. The crime lord's goons arrived before their escape was made and moved to finish them both. However, with nothing to lose the bollard struck back. Bullets chipped its surface but failed to stop it. The goons were dispatched, the bodies hidden, and the desperate couple vanished into the night.

    4. After the original news item went viral, the once-lonely bollard found itself spoiled for choice. A steady parade of interested men casually drove by, feigned walking to the store down the street, asked for directions to nonexistent people's homes, or made more direct approaches. From famine to feast, the bollard threw itself into a flurry of hedonistic excess, fueled by an endless supply of Internet-crazed men. But alas, the body must pay for the checks the libido writes. Losing sleep, all routine broken by the steady stream of "visitors", the bollard's health began to suffer. Finally, entropy and carnal excess demanded their due and the bollard collapsed under the strain. Its devastated lovers came together in their grief and founded a Usenet group to support each other and trade pictures of sexy road barriers. So like Bettie Page, the bollard and its allure will live on long after it's gone, a sex symbol for the Internet Age.

    That'll do, I gotta get back to work!

    1. Psmo

      Re: Possible scenarios...

      Do you write fanfic, perchance?

    2. John Sager

      Re: Possible scenarios...

      Who's your supplier? I could do with some of that!

    3. IanTP

      Re: Possible scenarios... perchance? Asking for a friend...

      Nicely written, have a Friday one on me :)

      1. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Possible scenarios...

        Being Middle of the Road with possible partners going both ways, I think this is a case of jealousy.

      2. KittenHuffer Silver badge

        I invoke rule 34!

        How long before is registered?!?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I reckon it was another piece of street furniture that got jealous, maybe an ex, the warning signs were there.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Traffic cones.

    The mental image of what can be done with them won't sit well with anyone.

    1. Mandoscottie

      im a scot, we like them on heads of important statues tbf :P

      1. phuzz Silver badge

        In a future independent Scotland, the elite parliamentary guard will wear traffic cones instead of bearskins. This makes it easier if statues are built of them.

  13. Stevie Silver badge


    "oblivious ... on a crowded street"

    "no-one about"

    Something here doesn't work.

  14. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    He was done for kerb crawling

    The magistrate said he had to curb his behaviour.

    1. gerdesj Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: He was done for kerb crawling

      ... curb his enthusiasm

      Some American bloke got there first. I'm pretty sure that was all about being a wanker.

  15. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    1 Comment

    Nicki Priestley

    (She stopped short of referring to the rag as "the gutter press").

  16. Oengus

    Police are investigating the incidenct but are not sure if this a case of Road rage or domestic violence.

  17. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

    He wanted to try new things....

    Like keeping right, but the bollard was having none of it, strong words lead to violence... This ends the modem tragic love story of our times.

  18. Paddy B

    What a very roundabout way of dealing with your ex.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re. He wanted to try new things


    You could say that they have him by the bollards now.

    (scuttles off to hide, before Mr Bollard Boinker finds Ms Plane Pesterer (reported on another news channel)

  20. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    The punishment for this heinous crime...

    Cull De Sacs

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward



  22. Mandoscottie

    Clearly the bollard was married and his/her partner wasnt amused.

    what a tramp, seductivley lolling that Arrow about i mean ffs! Jezobel!

  23. Inventor of the Marmite Laser

    I love this mag

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