Ho Ho Ho
. . . . possibly entirely unrelated incident . . .
In what is certainly a crowded field, step forward the Doncaster Free Press and take a bow for the best local news headline of 2019: "Doncaster traffic bollard used by man for sex 'killed' in road smash". Yes, it seems a tragic bollard used by a man to enjoy himself just one month ago has been damaged in a possibly entirely …
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1. One encounter was enough to let the bollard know that this was not a good partner. He thought ONLY of himself and his own pleasure, couldn't be bothered to undress, and didn't even wait for the bollard to finish. There's lonely and there's horny, but everyone has their limit and the bollard saw him off. Spurned by his (likely only) sexual outlet, in a fit of jealous despair he ran it over in a drunken rage then threw himself from a bridge. Thus ended another sordid tale of crap lovers who won't take "Piss off" for an answer.
2. After standing for years, with hundreds flowing past every day without a single thought for a lonely bollard... one day... HE came. Well, not at first. First there were the carefully-casual glances. Then open interest and ever more intense flirting. Finally, he screwed up his nerve and approached. It was a whirlwind romance, leading rapidly to a glow-inducing conclusion. But then... he never called again. The poor lonely bollard had been TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF by a heartless player out for a quick romp in a private... well, semi-private... intersection. Carried to the heights of romance, only to take the long fall of disillusionment, the bollard had nothing left to stand for. Watching its chance, it viciously taunted the car of a drunk driver (hell hath no fury) which promptly crashed into the bollard. And another lonely life senselessly ended.
3. It wasn't the first one-morning stand that turned into true love. The bollard never imagined it might find romance in such an unexpected way (and place). But such lovers are often star-crossed, and these were no different. The bollard's new beau was the son of a powerful organized crime figure, a cruel and bigoted man who would never countenance an affair between his son and a damned low-life public servant bollard. Daring fate, they risked it all to pursue their passion in secret. But the tentacles of crime reach far and never rest. Discovered, they had only minutes to flee. The bollard was reluctant to abandon its post (they're very dedicated) and it took one critical minute too many to convince it to abandon duty and leave with her lover. The crime lord's goons arrived before their escape was made and moved to finish them both. However, with nothing to lose the bollard struck back. Bullets chipped its surface but failed to stop it. The goons were dispatched, the bodies hidden, and the desperate couple vanished into the night.
4. After the original news item went viral, the once-lonely bollard found itself spoiled for choice. A steady parade of interested men casually drove by, feigned walking to the store down the street, asked for directions to nonexistent people's homes, or made more direct approaches. From famine to feast, the bollard threw itself into a flurry of hedonistic excess, fueled by an endless supply of Internet-crazed men. But alas, the body must pay for the checks the libido writes. Losing sleep, all routine broken by the steady stream of "visitors", the bollard's health began to suffer. Finally, entropy and carnal excess demanded their due and the bollard collapsed under the strain. Its devastated lovers came together in their grief and founded a Usenet group to support each other and trade pictures of sexy road barriers. So like Bettie Page, the bollard and its allure will live on long after it's gone, a sex symbol for the Internet Age.
That'll do, I gotta get back to work!
You could say that they have him by the bollards now.
(scuttles off to hide, before Mr Bollard Boinker finds Ms Plane Pesterer (reported on another news channel)
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