Emergency button saves gamers from sudden death... of starvation

Hardcore gamers no longer have to tread the knife-edge of actual life or death in the physical world while pwning n00bs in their favourite battle royale. Thanks to some newly installed and highly conspicuous emergency buttons – each helpfully labelled EMERGENCY BUTTON to avoid any potential confusion – players hunkering down …

[sbt]

Publicity friendly.

And you fell for it, like an egg from a tall chicken.

Why? Why give oxygen to these oxygen thieves?

Look, it's great that your recent Dabbxit has left you with more time to write for El Reg, and the increased by-lines have not gone unnoticed. Please remember, quality, not quantity.

[Grikath]

Re: Publicity friendly.

Why? Shall I, in thime-honoureth thrathithion, helpfully point you to the header of the section, oh incredulous one?

As an article this has everything expected of a quality Bootnotes article: the WTF?!!ness, the annotations *, the snark, and the whole serious-but-not-serious overtone. It even has an IT angle.. ** All brought to you by a staple name of Vulture Central.

Sometimes there's no pleasing some people....

* The condiment to a proper Bootnotes snack

** Opinions vary whether this is a good or bad thing, as part of the Art and Joy of Bootnotes is often deducing the possible IT angle in the comments.

[sbt]

Re: Publicity friendly.

The IT content is not in dispute. Sure, there's some snark about the vagaries of the recreational sweatshop, but it's not Haines level. This article would not exist if some PR hack hadn't put 1 and 1 together.

[veti]

Re: Publicity friendly.

So what if they did? Should such enterprise go altogether unrewarded?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

[sbt]

Life is short.

I guess I have higher standards for entertainment. Carry on.

[sabroni]

Re: I guess I have higher standards for entertainment.

Or you're just a bit "up yourself".....

[sbt]

Nah, it's long, but not that long.

Come to think of it, it's not really my standard, just the norm from the Venerable Dabbs.

Morrisette's Law maybe applies? Critical, snarky articles allowed, nay celebrated. But not critical, snarky comments on said articles.

[Kane]

Re: Nah, it's long, but not that long.

"Come to think of it, it's not really my standard"

Ars Technica is thataway...>>>

[sabroni]

Re: But not critical, snarky comments on said articles.

In what ways aren't your comments allowed/celebrated? The mods will take down posts that don't adhere to the forum rules.

Your posts are still up.

[JDX]

Re: Life is short.

Like posting comments about it.

[Aussie Doc]

Re: Publicity friendly.

I read that in Russel Crowe's voice.

Loudly.

[heyrick]

If I make an emergency button and press it

Will somebody bring me mind bleach to erase what I just read?

[macjules]

Re: If I make an emergency button and press it

May I echo that? Double on the mind bleach please.

[KittenHuffer]

Re: If I make an emergency button and press it

Jack Daniels do an excellent mind bleach!

I've lost many an evening to their wonderful elixir!

[Robert Carnegie]

Re: If I make an emergency button and press it

I'll Dash to your assistance. ;-)

Amazon already launched, then cancelled the product delivery pushbutton!

[Anonymous Coward]

Almost there

Now they just need to add seats that let you clear out the other end without getting up and it'll be perfect.

[Andy Non]

Re: Almost there

Apparently some gamers wear nappies when playing at home so they don't have to leave off their game. That's taking gaming a tad too far in my humble opinion.

[TRT]

Re: Almost there

They can advance to pull ups if they feel the need to transition to adulthood.

[Korev]

Re: Almost there

For the Loo-ser?

[Nolveys]

Re: Almost there

"We had no idea how long they had been there. We found them jacked in, emaciated and sitting in pools of their own festering excriment. They had terrific scores."

[Jay 2]

Re: Almost there

Am now reminded of the South Park episode of Make Love Not Warcraft (I think it was).

[Pascal Monett]

"pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks"

Well that's me never participating in one of those things, then. Congratulations, you have just completely grossed me out.

[Phil O'Sophical]

Re: "pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks"

Yeah, up until those last two paragraphs I was thinking "what use is a burrito without a couple of bottles of Dos Equis?". Now, not so much.

[Baldrickk]

Re: "pissing into the empties in situ to avoid leaving their chairs for toilet breaks"

Never encountered that at any of the LAN parties I went to.

That said, we never had emergency burrito orders either - though our mass pizza orders probably doubled the daily takings of the local pizza shop.

[Mike 16]

Burrito Delivery

And here I was expecting news of a transatlantic extension of the famous Alameda/Weehawken Burrito Tunnel:

https://idlewords.com/2007/04/the_alameda_weehawken_burrito_tunnel.htm

[Anonymous Coward]

I'm reminded of the old David Beckham goes to the hairdressers joke......

Becks go for a hair cut and he sits down in the barbers chair and the barber say "ok take ya head phones off".

Becks refuses saying "I can't mate, I must keep them on it's very important I don't take them off".

Barber says "don't be silly how am I going to cut your hair when your wearing head phones".

Beck's "look just do your best, it's a matter of life or death, I can't take them off"

"OK" says the barber and starts to cut his hair, after a while he accidentally knocks the head phones of Beck's head and he suddenly loses consciousness. He quickly picks them up and as he hastily puts them back he hears this voice coming out of them saying "Breath in, Breath out, Breath in"

[Pangasinan Philippines]

Which again reminds me of the joke that Stefan Edberg (Swedish Wimbledon champion) goes into Boots chemist and asks for a deodorant

'Ball or aerosol?' asks the shop girl

Oh No! its for my arm pits.

[Paul Herber]

That joke was old when Not The Nine O'Clock News did it!

[Scroticus Canis]

Good to see the old blonde bimbo jokes being recycled

No, not really.

[Updraft102]

Well, breath does rhyme with death...

[John Brown (no body)]

a nearby partner restaurant

or some "kitchen" in a tiny unit on a nearby industrial estate that no one has ever heard of, least of all the local environmental health inspectors (allegedly).

[joeW]

"Never drink the Lucozade"

Lucozade is the choice of the discerning gamer.

It's the wide neck on the bottle.

[TRT]

Re: "Never drink the Lucozade"

TBH, who'd notice the difference?

[Scroticus Canis]

Re: "Never drink the Lucozade"

After tasting it once, about 50 years ago, I have always thought it was just a way to monetise old diabetes mellitus urine samples.

[jospanner]

The comment about pissing in bottle just put me off going entirely.

[swampdog]

I'm afraid you're gonna have to wee eventually.

[Andy Non]

You're just taking the piss.

[Wellyboot]

That could be a money spinner at these events.

There's never an empty bottle when you need one.

[Anonymous Coward]

Pissing in a bottle

Is this why the vast majority of gamers are male?

[Anonymous Coward]

Just wondering myself. Is it a joke from the article author or those things are really happening ?

Last time I've seen dudes pissing in bottles was on a very drunken journey to a heavy metal show, hours of coach drive away, with no stop, no toilets in, and shitloads of booze consumed.

Henceforth the need to evacuate at all costs.

I remember one drunken dude drinking something and spitting all on my trousers telling me as an excuse: "it's piss". It took me a couple of seconds to understand he meant it literally: he confused one bottle of booze and one of urine.

[Maelstorm]

Well now....

They make extra-large Depends, but the intended use is for people who are incontinent. After a 48-hour gaming session, they probably need a crane to pick their ass off the chair will a full diaper because they were too lazy to unload their ammo into the loo. Seriously though, that is taking the game too far. I have heard of things like this when I was playing World of Warcraft, like people being found dead in front of their computers because they were chugging energy drinks and their kidneys failed.

[Charles 9]

Re: Well now....

Hmm? I thought it was commonly just straight-up dehydration. Anyway, how soon before these kinds of games are required to institute "pit stops" of at least 15 minutes every two hours to avoid being held liable for deaths like this?

[Maelstorm]

Re: Well now....

It's been awhile since I looked, but the TOS doesn't even mention these issues. What is interesting though is that on the loading screen when you initially log in or cross over onto a different server has messages that are displayed to the user. One of them goes something like this: Have fun with your friends in Azeroth, but don't forget to have fun outside Azeroth as well. So, at least for Blizzard Entertainment, they do understand that people need a break. Back in classic, some 40-man raid bosses can take a full 8 hours to defeat.

[Charles 9]

Re: Well now....

"Back in classic, some 40-man raid bosses can take a full 8 hours to defeat."

That's what I was wondering. A single, enclosed battle with a single mega-boss and it takes a full eight hours to defeat with (due to this being a mega-boss) no possibility of a break. I wouldn't be too surprised, down the line, if these kinds of battles are structured more in stages. Every possibility of victory or total wipe still there, of course, but as you reach certain milestones the boss flees or something happens that separates the belligerents temporarily, allowing for those pit stops I mentioned.

[baud]

Re: Well now....

There's some MMO (maybe GW1 and TOR) that printed messages in chat (just for you) like "you've been playing for xx hours, don't forget to take a break"

[Anonymous Coward]

Burritos?

Do Brits know how to de-fang beans? If not, you'd better learn before this gaming event starts.

(Icon is artist's conception of result of striking a match in the gaming arena after a couple days of free burrito delivery.)

[FozzyBear]

Emergency Button????

Honestly I think they are just voting themselves for a Darwin Award

[Anonymous Coward]

Go outside and kick a football, FFS

[Anonymous Coward]

You just watch. Someone's gonna try this and either cracking their skull from a rebounding ball or get run over by a car.

[JDX]

>>Go outside and kick a football, FFS

He posts anonymously on an IT forum

[Anonymous Coward]

Posting anonymously on an IT forum takes a minute. If it took so long that I'd be in danger of starvation, then you'd have a point.

[Anonymous Coward]

> FFS

> FPS

> FPF

First person football sounds like an underserved genre. Nice catch!

[Updraft102]

I tried, but there wasn't one out there.

[Anonymous Coward]

Long haul drives and flights

Piss jugs.

Old concept.

Delivered burritos?

No thanks.

[Anonymous South African Coward]

Any means of inducing some laxatives into said Burritos prior to delivery?

Because the BOFH inside me would, and then record the action for posterity on CCTV for world+dog to see.

Bonus BOFH points if you can get the entire gaming hall to be brownwashed.

[Charles 9]

Did you ever happen to watch that raunchy school comedy "Hamburger: The Motion Picture"? I believe near the end some a bunch of fat people came into a burger joint and (with them eating everything in sight--including the other customers' food) the workers decided to fight back with milkshakes laced with industrial-strength laxative.

[Captain Scarlet]

Mountain Dew?

What is this, every single LAN I have ever been to has had a mountain of Cider/Beer (On some occassions a somerfields trolley which ended up in the garden for some reason).

When we moved to a hall it was the hot water dispencer (For Pot Noodles), with those mini kegs in the fridge (Although we did have an issue with power, so had to ensure only one person turned on at a time when full).

[Captain Scarlet]

Re: Mountain Dew?

Damn downvoter, what is it, did you drink Mountain Dew, do you get insulted by me mentioning Pot Noodles, WHAT!

[JohnFen]

Interfering with nature?

Natural selection -- it's only natural.