Dry patch? Have you considered peppering your flirts with emojis?

Had much, you know, 👌👈 recently? Perhaps you need to ⬆️ your emoji 🙃 game 🎮 as new research 👨‍🎓 has linked ⛓ using the cutesy online comms aid with going on more dates 💑 and getting laid 💦🍆. Published in the journal PLoS One, the paper by boffins at Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, which explores "sexuality, …

[Neil Barnes]

Proof that emojis don't work

1) emojis are pictograms

2) ancient Egyptians used pictograms

3) there are no more ancient Egyptians, only modern ones

4) therefore, er...

[Arthur the cat]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

2) ancient Egyptians used pictograms

Did ancient Picts use egyptograms?

[Muscleguy]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

The Picts left no writing which is why we have only a partial Pictish dictionary gleaned from placenames which are not Gaelic, Norse or English. There's an eminence hereabout whose name means Hill, Hill, Hill, Hill in all 4 languages. They did leave us picture stones though so their name is still apt even if it was applied by the Romans and related to their woad daubings on their warriors.

The history has it that when the Kingdom of Alba was formed by an alliance between the Scotti, the Picts and the Strathclyde Britons (who spoke a chthonic language). Everyone apparently agreed to use Gaelic and the Picts gave up their language. A lot of folk new other languages anyway to enable trade so it seems it was no big deal.

As is the way of such things it was formed in reaction to an outside threat, in this case the Viking kingdom of Northumbria which used to stretch up into the Lothians. But they invaded Pictland and lost the Battle of Dun Nechtan and their king was killed. Which was enough to make the locals feel 'we stand together or fall apart'.

[Arthur the cat]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Whoosh! But interesting, nevertheless. However

the Strathclyde Britons (who spoke a chthonic language)

I think you mean Brythonic, although I have met people who compared Strathclyde with Hades.

[Muscleguy]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Thanks I knew it was wrong but couldn't think of the right thing.

They were exiles from England pushed out by the Saxons, some went into Wales, other into Cumbria, others over the sea to Brittany.

There are people here in Dundee who get very antsy about Gaelic signs claiming it was 'never used here, we're Picts/Norse'. Except the place names, including of Dundee say otherwise. Recently they tried to get Gaelic language classes for the public going but there was no takers. Annoyed me as I didn't know or I would have signed up. I suspect their marketing wasn't good enough.

But us Scots do do parochialism better than most places, unfortunately.

[Dr. G. Freeman]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

My condolences for being in my hometown.

Would be better if they offered English classes to some of the locals, especially those of the bohemian suburbs of Menzieshill and Whitfield whose accents could fail a test of English as a foreign language.

[Dagg]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

But us Scots do do parochialism better than most places, unfortunately.

Nah, you only do deep fried (and heart attacks) better that anyone else....

[MyffyW]

Parochialism

Try coming from a country that can't decided if it's spelt Cymru, Gymru or just plain old Wales.

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Parochialism

Cymru, Gymru or just plain old Wales

Well - the C/G things is quite understandable (the letters mutate according to context). The Wales bit is to cope with the poor benighted ones that don't speak Welsh :-)

(2ndOldestBrother has recently added Welsh to the other languages he speaks [Spanish, Portugese and some French] on the basis that our mother was from Wales. I have no excuse for learning some Gaidhlig other than Runrig)

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

They were exiles from England pushed out by the Saxons, some went into Wales, other into Cumbria

All of Britan (at one point) spoke one variation of the Brythonic langauges (maybe apart from the Picts - we don't know enough about Pictish to make that determination although it's likely it was). What happened with the Saxons was cultural and linguistic domination of the areas that they conquered and the bits that they didn't (Wales, parts of Cornwall, The Highlands, Cumbria) carried on speaking the same languages that they always had (with some cross-fertilisation from Saxon/Jute/Anglic).

Brittany is slightly different - the influx that lead to Brittany speaking a Celtic language started in (probably) the 4th century - possibly on the orders of a British chieftan that tried to himself up as Roman Emperor and settled Celtic troops there. There was more migrating during the Saxon invasions of England but they joined an already thriving Celtic community that had already displaced a lot of the previously-Gaulish culture.

Of course, France being France, Breton isn't recognised as an official language in the same way that Welsh, Cornish, Gaidhlig and Gelg are.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

"the Strathclyde Britons (who spoke a chthonic language)"

I think you mean Brythonic

Yes, something tells me Chthonic would be uncomfortably macabre, something rather like this:

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn...

(°,,,°)

[Robert Helpmann??]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

- the Strathclyde Britons (who spoke a chthonic language)

- I think you mean Brythonic,

So they were Brythonic-speaking Strathclyde autochtons?

_{You have no idea how long I have wanted to work "autochton" into a conversation!}

[Allan George Dyer]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Hill hill hill hill, possibly: https://www.google.com/maps/place/Torpenhow+Hill/@54.7396682,-3.2523325,14z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m5!3m4!1s0x487cd80ae3515097:0xe19724eec4906ea1!8m2!3d54.73967!4d-3.23478

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

It beats Mynydd Pen Bre in Wales, anyway.

[NeilPost]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

I think saying ‘everyone agreed to use Gaelic and the Pict’s gave up their language” is a gross. misrepresentation - esp. as there is not a lot of actual evidence knocking around and there were frequent incursions and much warring happening after the Roman’s departed Britannia further South ... inc invasion from Ireland too.

https://archive.archaeology.org/0107/abstracts/scotland.html

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Kingdom of Alba was formed by an alliance between the Scotti, the Picts and the Strathclyde Britons

Neil Oliver (BBC archeologist/historian - good at his job hence relagated to BBC4) has just started a series on the history of Scotland.

The first one dealt with the formation of the kingdom - essentially it goes like this:

1. There are 4 separate kindoms (Picts, Gaels, and two lots of Britons). A Gael is exiled and ends up in the Pictish kingdom where he (eventually) becomes the Pictish kings right-hand-man.

2. Said exile then self-promotes himself to Pictish king by the traditional route of disposing of the current Pictish king and brings in lots of his Gaelic friends to help run the place and gradually sets about supressing Pictish culture.

3. The old Pictish kings kids were away in Ireland (staying with their aunt who had married an Iriah king) during their fathers assassination. They grow up safely in Ireland but, during the process, become more Gaelic than Pictish.

4. The kids grow up and, with the help of their uncles army, invade Pictland and remove the head of the usurper. The oldest kid becomes king.

5. All the Picts expect the new king to revert to being Pictish - this doesn't happen since, by this point, he's more Gaelic than the Gaels.

6. Later on, the kingdoms merge and, since the two biggest ones were Gaelic, the merged kingdom is largely Gaelic, including in language. Of course, the southern kingdoms then got invaded by various Angles and Jutes and their language replaced by a sister-language[1] of Anglo-Saxon (which later became Scots).

Which nicely accounts for the reasons why the only Pictish that remained was in place names since the language fell out of general day-to-day use.

It's a process similar to what happened in England when the Saxons took over - the language changes not because the incomers kill off all the previous inhabitants but because, in order to deal with officials and nobles, everyone has to learn the language that the officials and nobles use and the old language gradually dies out leaving only place-names and various loan-words.

Very well worth seeing.

[1] Don't ever suggest that Scots is a dialect of English! They are quite clearly sister-languages with an amount of cross-fertilisation. And, if Old Friesan was still around, there would be three sisters.

[NeilPost]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Yes Neil Oliver’s History of Scotland, History of Celtic Britain and also Celts (with Alice Roberts) are all good and cover much of this in detail.

Also, The Story of Ireland with Fergal Keene overlaps too and is excellent to and padded out my Irish history.

Basically England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and to a lesser extent France and Spain all feed into this common history and people are generally shat on by Nobles/Royalty etc and their assorted turf-wars for the last 2-3,000 years.

No-one will mention any historic Irish invasion/takeover of Scotland when belly-aching about Ireland being taken over by English Kings and becoming the first colony and the more recent impact of Scottish Protestants in Ulster in recent centuries.

[romandog]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Such a storied history of Northern Europeans. Sad it's fading. Wiped

[P. Lee]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

> if Old Friesan was still around, there would be three sisters.

A mooving tail if ever I heard one.

[Ken Shabby]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Milk it for all it is worth

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

chthonic

Amusing mis-spelling of Brythonic - "chthonic" usually means "underground, of the darkness".

[Jedit]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

Ancient Egyptians were also big on the catte pics. You may be on to something.

(That said, if not posting emojis means I never get my dick wet again I will consider it a price well paid.)

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

also big on the catte pics

Nowt wrong with cat pics. What does bug me is that I can never remember which of Bast and Bastet is the cat and which one is the lioness. Although one might just be an aspect of the other..

[Captain Scarlet]

Re: Proof that emojis don't work

hmm I tend to just call them smilies, but actually calling them pictograms makes me sound such a smug git I am switching.

[Anonymous Coward]

Pfffttt

Who needs emoji's when you can just use your personality to repel other humans. I mean emoji's don't keep keep you inside in front of a nice warm fire with a good book and a pet curled up beside you.

Plus when I offer to make people my eggplant cannelloni, the emoji's lead to some interesting responses...

[Michael Wojcik]

Re: Pfffttt

Who needs emoji's what? Do you sell eggplant as well as prepare it?

Actually, the "s" is superfluous as well; the plural of emoji is emoji. Or possibly emojitachi, if you're talking about an assortment and want to emphasize that fact. A bit like writing "various emoji" in English.

[Intractable Potsherd]

Re: Pfffttt

I have genuinely learned something today. I had no idea a) that there was an eggplant (aubergine) emoji, b) that anyone could associate the vegetable with a penis, and c) that the emoji is widely used as a symbol for a penis. I think my utter bewilderment at the human race has hit an all-time high (or low, depending how you look at it!)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Pfffttt

I would have thought a cucumber would be the penile veg, not an eggplant.

Maybe if you stuck the cuke into the base of the eggplant...

[Anonymous Coward]

5,327 American singles aged 18-94

how many of those are actually 94? As usual, asking for a friend...

[Robert Carnegie]

Re: 5,327 American singles aged 18-94

Maybe "Cont page 94" in Private Eye magazine doesn't mean what I thought then?

I thought it meant "This joke is continued on the same page in the next 94 issues of the magazine."

Regular reader! With a bit of a sense of deja vu, e.g. "Vivienne Westwood is a horrible boss", "Council closes library", "Jeremy Corbyn has a vegetable allotment" etc.

[Nick Kew]

Re: 5,327 American singles aged 18-94

A fine image there. Nonagenarians getting laid with their (great) grandchildrens' cohort?

But the whole article screams to me Correlation is not Causation. We should not assume nor even infer that getting laid causes emojis.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 5,327 American singles aged 18-94

It very clearly doesn't. It suggests that use of emojis is associated with making better connections with people.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: 5,327 American singles aged 18-94

Perhaps getting laid causes Rorschach-style emojis in bodily fluids?

[Joe W]

Secondary effect?

Like maybe the younger cohorte having more sex and using more emojis? Just wondering....

[MJB7]

Re: Secondary effect?

Exactly my thought.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Secondary effect?

That was my first thought when I saw this study mentioned elsewhere. It linked to the actual study, and they are controlling for age because they realize younger people are more likely to use emojis.

Turns out these boffins are on top of it, unlike some of the studies with poor controls we sometimes read about on El Reg.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Secondary effect?

Obviously, having worked out the optimum use of emjoji, they are more frequently on top of it than you or I.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Secondary effect?

I used to get more attention on dating sites when I posted photos of me with cute childrens hats perched on top of my enormous head.

Which reminds me, I have to sue all those hat sellers with the "One size fits all" adverts; lying barstewards.

[P. Lee]

Re: Secondary effect?

It seems like the need to use emojis (emojii?) indicates either real sadness or a distance which precludes the aforementioned activity.

[Anonymous Coward]

frequent emoji abuse

what's "emoji abuse"? Oh dear, I'm such a weirdo ://///

[Ken Shabby]

Re: frequent emoji abuse

U+1F424 U+1F9F2 U+1F529 U+1F369 might give some insight.

[Anonymous Coward]

make the beast with two backs

took me a while to correct my vision, re. "make the best with two backs"...

[The JP]

Why can't we use emojis when...

...being a commentard on The Register?

Surely its about time the comments are livened up with a few well placed strawberry, donut, peach emojis etc.

[AndyS]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

Please no.

[Rafael #872397]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

And don't call us Shirley. We're a different demographic.

[eswan]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

And don't call us Shirley. We're a different demographic, altogether.

FTFY

[89724102172714182892114I7551670349743096734346773478647892349863592355648544996312855148587659264921]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

...nobody on The Reg is ever going to get laid

[P. Lee]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

IT staff... like accountants, only fatter.

[SVV]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

I wouldn't be happy if people here started doing that.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

U+1F92E

[Arthur the cat]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

For the convenience of search engine challenged readers.

[brotherelf]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

No. Recognizing PoP by its codepoint is one of the merit badges of the nerd classes, along with mojibake path deciphering, spotting md5, sha1 and sha256 of the empty string, and doing ROT13 in your head.

[Ken Shabby]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

Obligatory

https://xkcd.com/1813/

[Throatwarbler Mangrove]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

The Register is not your personal erotica site, and no one here is going to sleep with you.

[mhoulden]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

Whose personal erotica site is it then? I think we should be told.

[Michael Wojcik]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

Just search the patent database for a compression algorithm that converts image and video to IT journalism.

Snark regarding the information entropy of the average Reg article is left as an exercise for the reader.

[heyrick]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

"I think we should be told."

It's never been the same since the Moderatrix left...

[I would have included a crying emoji, but... The post contains some characters we can’t support. Translation: we're screwed. Bootnote: bring your own innuendo.]

[Fink-Nottle]

Re: Why can't we use emojis when...

Post on El Reg. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. Don't even wait. And when you're a GOLD, they let you do it. You can do anything...

[tiggity]

Demographic

If I get sent something with lots of emojis then that person would definitely not be on my go to bed with list - my feelings are more in line with the emoji use makes you look like a moron report.

.. Though when I was younger, things were different, the bed partner did not need to be clever, attractive, etc. they just had to be there. But, after a while, the attraction of accumulating 3F "bedpost notches" wanes.

[Warm Braw]

Re: Demographic

If I get sent something with lots of emojis then that person would definitely not be on my go to bed with list

I suspect if you did you would find the bed strewn with superfluous cushions, throws and stuffed toys, the latter eyeing your activities with glassy stares.

[Dave 126]

Re: Demographic

@tiggity

In real life, is someone who modulates their voice more or less attractive to you?

[Michael Wojcik]

Re: Demographic

If they don't, would I just hear the carrier? That would be annoying.

[heyrick]

Re: Demographic

"would I just hear the carrier?"

Sad that I can only upvote this once. Here, have a .....

[tiggity]

Re: Demographic

@Dave 126

Fortunately my real life partner does not use emojis (well they do, but only when making "like" comments on their friends instagram posts (as its apparently de rigueur to use emojis on there)- and as I avoid insta like the plague then it does not affect me, so divorce papers not yet imminent)

[Anonymous South African Coward]

If an aubergine is a male symbol, what is a female symbol then?

Enquiring minds want to know.

On my way out before I get accused of something improper...

[katrinab]

There is no universally accepted emoji, but some of the options include:

Peach, though this more usually represents the rear opening rather than the front one

Cat face, as in pussy

The "OK" hand gesture - in some cultures this gesture has a very different meaning representing the body part you are looking for

[Nick Kew]

I may be too innocent

Peaches have been good this season.

But I've been enjoying them without any thoughts of pleasures of a different kind.

Hmmm. Perhaps just as well if they're associated with the wrong orifice. I hope I can still enjoy them (the fruit) after reading that. At least the watermelon suggestion (below) conjures only a humorous/cartoonish image.

[Anonymous Coward]

The "OK" hand gesture - in some cultures this gesture has a very different meaning representing the body part you are looking for

Oh dear, does that mean I've been calling everyone in my diving club a c*nt for the last 20 years?

[baud]

Pretty sure you called them a**holes, rather than c*nts.

[deadlockvictim]

Tacos

Americans seem to get animated over Tacos.

There must surely be a taco emoji.

Would this solve your emoji problem?

[Ken Shabby]

Re: Tacos

There is U+1F32E, Doughnut U+1F369, hole U+1F573 and sushi U+1F363, apparently, also have been used in this context.

[Jedit]

"If an aubergine is a male symbol, what is a female symbol then?"

Two watermelons?

(Mine's the one not spreading my aubergenes.)

[Anonymous Coward]

In German when you're not good at what you're doing, you're a plum.

When the new boss asked the old one about the secretary, he got told:

As an expert, she's a plum, but as a plum, she's an expert!

[Persona]

moron

"using emojis just makes other people think you're a moron" ……….

Not necessarily a bad strategy though …… morons seem to get laid all the time.

[Dagg]

Re: moron

morons seem to get laid all the time

Mainly via alcohol - beer helping the ugly stupid people breed.

[Anonymous Coward]

You have to be careful with these emojis, I once confused the sneezing face one with bukkake. Awkward to say the least.

[Anonymous Coward]

Maybe just stick to calling your mom in future?

[Ken Moorhouse]

Re: Maybe just stick to calling your mom in future?

Reminds me of a client who used to sign off her emails with LOL.

She was mortified to learn that the assumed default was no longer "Lots Of Love".

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Re: Maybe just stick to calling your mom in future?

She was mortified to learn that the assumed default was no longer "Lots Of Love".

Not just her - ask David Cameron...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-18032027

LOL

[veti]

Re: Maybe just stick to calling your mom in future?

'LOL' has never meant "lots of love", at least not in common usage. Of course a non-trivial number of people do use it that way, but only because they've never checked an appropriate lexicon.

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Then you can come back to my place...

And meet Mother

[SWCD]

"...bukkake. Awkward to say the least."

Only if you make eye contact I've found.

[KittenHuffer]

I'm struggling to understand how that emoji reminds you of Japanese noodles?!?

.

.

.

Oh! THAT bukkake!!!

[heyrick]

[looks up word]

Oh.

That's a lot more than I needed to know.

[KittenHuffer]

Best Pointless answer!

Those of you that watch Pontless will appreciate this one.

They once had a words round .... Words ending in 'ake'. And my other half was surprised when I burst out laughing. She was slightly disgusted when I then explained what bukkake meant.

[Persona]

I can see it would be. No one wants to catch a cold.

[Sgt_Oddball]

What about the real young uns?

U+57 U+69 U+6C U+6C U+20 U+6E U+6F U+2D U+6F U+6E U+65 U+20 U+74 U+68 U+69 U+6E U+6B U+20 U+6F U+66 U+20 U+74 U+68 U+65 U+20 U+63 U+68 U+69 U+6C U+64 U+72 U+65 U+6E U+3F

[Kevin McMurtrie]

Dry patch

I thought that's when you get an alert for security updates but it just replaces a bunch of C header files.

[Kubla Cant]

Re: Dry patch

In the event of a dry patch, send off some emojis to the right people, and with any luck you'll end up sleeping in a wet patch.

[deadlockvictim]

emoji

I have lived in the Far East and have no problem with the concept of ideographs. One can read texts much faster with them. My problem is more one of age. Kawaisugiru ne?

If I start using emoji now, it reeks desperately of trying to be down wif da yuuf. It seems as appropriate to me as if I were to start writing little love-hearts instead of dots over the letters i and j.

My pre-teen daughters like emoji and I have no problem with that. In fact, I'm using them to translate the subtle (or not so subtle) nuances in messages.

I feel sorry for my wife (who is also new to them and not especially enthralled by them) but is nonetheless obliged by social norms to understand them and use them more.

[Intractable Potsherd]

Re: emoji

Try being autistic and trying to make sense of them! They are as impenetrable as granite.

[deadlockvictim]

Re: emoji

Are emoji context-sensitive or do they have a fixed meaning (aubergines/eggplants aside)?

If it's the latter, then a good manual is all the discerning autist needs. Surely the explicit nature of emoji should be an aid.

I still have my Kanji book (Hadamitzky & Spahn) but I find the brush-written Chinese characters to be a thing of beauty.

[phuzz]

The plural of anecdotes is not data

Makes sense, I never use emojis, and I never get laid.

[J.G.Harston]

The idea of a Reg Dating Forum sounds attractive, but it would probably be 98% men and 2% men pretending to be women.

[Michael Wojcik]

What, no bots? Disappointing.

[Bruce Ordway]

Someday....

Emoji's can be a little too cute once I reached a certain age

( I think it was about the same time that farting contests at the workplace went out of fashion).

I've wondered what might come next, especially when/if user input really evolves beyond simple keypads?

I've even imagined a visual, syllabic system for English, like the Japanese kana.

I find the Japanese writing some of the most visually interesting and have started to appreciate a little bit about the more playful combinations & meanings.

How about something totally new for young and old morons alike, whether they are flirting or simply communicating?

[Maty]

Wasn't it in Neal Stephenson's 'The Diamond Age' that writing had been replaced by emoji for most purposes?

[Muppet Boss]

Missed the deadline

I think they missed the deadline for this year's Ig Nobel Prize submission. Feeling sad as this is a clear winner.

[Mike 16]

Using the right bait

What bait you use depends on what prey you seek. My hand-written notes (on paper) were a big part of landing the lady who has been my wife for several decades. When someone sends a store-bought card with _maybe_ a couple hearts and some initials below the mass-produced message, the depth of their desire/commitment is deducible. What I don't like to think too much about are the ones who send those stickers sold in in quantity by dollar stores for elementary school kids to use on Feb. 14. What are they fishing for?

Digital equivalents are similar...

[intrigid]

Statistics failures 101: Lumping men and women in as "people"

I notice that this study made no attempt whatsoever to measure the effects of emojis on men and women separately.

For all we know, cutesy emojis make it 500% easier for women to get laid, and 400% harder for men to.

"Emojis make it easier for the average person to get laid!"

[earl grey]

where were these when I was young

I would have been waving my eggplant all around (and nothing would have changed).