back to article Learn Bluespeak with IBM: Internal buzzword-bingo memo schools staff on this newfangled thing called The Cloud

It's been an oft-heard refrain at tech conferences that IBM "doesn't know what it's bought" with regard to Red Hat. Usually meant positively, it seems it might be a bit closer to the truth than anyone thought; at least, for Big Blue's marketing department. As IBM closes its $34bn slurpage of Red Hat, the IT giant has seen fit …

  1. MrBanana

    Welcome

    "Welcome, my son, welcome to the machine

    What did you dream? It's alright, we told you what to dream"

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Red sky at night?

      ... or at least a bit of pink floss in those clouds. Showing your age and mine, though maybe not quite IBM's.

      I'll get me coat.

    2. macjules
      Coat

      Re: Welcome

      I would say it is more a case of :

      “Huawei, you get off my cloud,

      Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd“

  2. STOP_FORTH Silver badge
    Trollface

    Devoid of meaning

    OK, it's all a bit fluffy (it's the cloud innit?) but looks like standard meaningless verbiage from a marketing department.

    You seem surprised!

  3. Korev Silver badge
    Alert

    Perhaps redundo-gun, axe, and price gouging, may we suggest?

    "Resource Actions" too?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Host

      I think technically 'Hybrid Multi-Cloud' is a form of off-Host processing.

    2. Glen 1

      "redundo-gun"

      Promoted to glory?

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    More translations

    "when we talk about the 'IBM Cloud' we refer to the totality of our cloud capabilities."

    Translation: we plan to include other vendors cloud revenue in our future market statements to deliver on our cloud strategy while the IBM cloud makes such a strong argument for on-premises solutions.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lovely

    Lovely, RedHat was toxic for Linux anyway, with their cancer called Wayland, SystemD, PulseAudio, ...

    Now can we please free Debian from these dump inventions of RedHat hell (Wayland, Systemd, PulseAudio)?

    I would rather not upgrade to a distro with these abortions, so please either suck it up and revert the hell out of it, or I will switch to Devuan or even FreeBSD soon to get rid of that corporate BS. And I wish RH good look sinking deep inside deep blue.

    1. tekHedd

      Devuan

      We're not getting Debian back. I switched to Devuan way back when and it's fine. Stop talking about "maybe doing it someday," just move on and get on with your life. You don't have to live like a refugee, I believe the song goes. Never knew what it meant exactly, but I'm pretty sure he was singing about OS components.

    2. joeldillon

      Re: Lovely

      Oh no, not extremely important client Anonymous Coward. Whatever wouldl Debian do if you switch away from it? They would be undone! Bereft! Living on the streets in a cardboard box!

    3. Ken 16 Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Lovely

      Why do you care - what's the practical impact on your technology estate?

  6. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse

    Dear new IBM'ers...

    On second thoughts, as well as not mentioning "open" and "stack", please also don't mention "hybrid multicloud platform" unless it's the IBM Hybrid Multicloud Platform (TM), in which case... just plaster a fake smile on your face and refer back to "I" for obvious reasons that we don't quite understand.

    Actually, it's better that you just keep your little mouths shut; that way no-one will realise it's all just bullshit and that we don't really understand it properly ourselves.

    Thanks peeps.

  7. GreenJimll

    That's the sort of "marketing speak" nonsense that is a sure sign lots of techies at Redhat will soon be polishing their CVs or outsourcing themselves as paid consultants.

    1. AdamWill

      heh

      I quite like the implied naive optimism in this post: do you really think Red Hat got big enough to be worth $34m to IBM without us coming up with lots of our *own* marketing speak nonsense? Oh you sweet summer child, you...

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Hats and Ties

    Ohh, I want to join in on all this fun. Where can I get a Blue Hat and a Red Tie?

  9. chivo243 Silver badge

    B is for Bingo

    IBingoM seems to have sufficiently covered most of the bullshit bingo buzzwords. Although I was looking for some DevOps and hyper-converged verbiage, they'll get up to speed soon, and we will need new bingo cards.

  10. jake Silver badge

    "G" is for ...

    "G" is for "IBM Garbage" – a "signature client co-contrivance experience" rather than the damp, dark hole into which exiting Red Hatters will be quietly ushered after purification is complete.

    FTFY

  11. SVV

    This is what happens when you slowly replace Engineers with Imagineers

    Hybrid Multi Guff Claptrap

    1. Daedalus

      Re: This is what happens when you slowly replace Engineers with Imagineers

      Big Blue Stuff Guff with Crap Staff Claptrap

      1. hplasm
        Happy

        Re: This is what happens when you slowly replace Engineers with Imagineers

        Big Blue Stuff Guff with Crap Staff Claptrap Slow Golfclap

  12. ma1010
    Paris Hilton

    I wonder...

    ...if maybe Steve Bong, no doubt under an assumed name, isn't involved somewhere in all this marketing claptrap. It has a strong whiff of "Thinkfluence" about it.

    Paris because we're all confused as to the meaning (if any) of all this.

  13. FozzyBear
    Happy

    IBM thinks it still has the market share and presence to define tech industry jargon.

    You guys are adorable

  14. JohnFen

    Core competency

    Murky technojargon has always been one of IBM's core competencies. I'm glad to hear that they've been maintaining that!

    1. hplasm
      Headmaster

      Re: Core competency

      This Page Intentionally Filled With Bullshit

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Red face blue bottom

    I hardly think IBM having invested fully into Cloud shouting it from the rooftops will abandon anything cloud... cue their self-inflicted injuries by destroying lifetime work of employees in said area of open and stack by sabotaging it worldwide. There is a special hell for the buttholes who take stellar work and dump it into the cesspit of history. Ironic how now the butts produce shite as output...

    Anon b'cas ima coward.

  16. inquisitive2014

    IBM is famous for jargon

    Many years ago IBM introduced the Air Movement Device for cooling. The TLA (3 Letter Acronym) was AMD which was the same length as the standard English word "fan" which described the exact same device perfectly. :-)

  17. JohnMartin

    Air Movement Device

    I think they changed that acronym to a Forced Air Node

  18. James Anderson

    Some help for marketing.

    Given IBM marketing penchant for renaming products that don't sell here some help to get them on their way--

    (147, 112, 219) scarf

    Mauve Collar

    Thistle Tie

    Orchid Shirt

    Mulberry Underpants

    Purpureus Trousers

    Heliotrope Stocking Suspenders

    --- and finally

    Blue Socks

    Please avoid at all costs "psychedelic purple" and "Pansy Purple" or at least use "#78184A".

  19. Howard Hanek
    Happy

    Print vs Speech

    It's difficult to print the inflection that Marketers and the Media use when they reference the Cloud. Those breathless, rapturous, bedazzled, eye rolling inflections we see and hear that frightens children and disturbs those not prepared for them.

  20. fredesmite
    WTF?

    INTHG

    GIGO

    Garbage in

    Garbage out ?

  21. fredesmite
    Mushroom

    Remember - Cloud computing

    Is nothing else than using someone else's computer while other people are using it too

    ( and expecting the other person to give a shit about your crap - but they won't )

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