back to article Russian-trained spy whale spooks Norwegian fishermen

Norwegian fishermen are being harassed by an apparently Russian-trained Beluga whale. The cetacean spy was wearing a harness with a fitting for a camera. It seemed quite used to human contact and came up next to the boat begging for food. Joergen Ree Wiig of the Norwegian Directorate of Fisheries told Associated Press: "' …

  1. Kabukiwookie

    Frickin' lasers

    Please tell me they at least gave it a head mounted high powered laser.

    1. MassiveBob

      Re: Frickin' lasers

      I was waiting for El Reg to report this ever since I saw the article on BBC.

      I was not disappointed!!

    2. Mark 85

      Re: Frickin' lasers

      Lasers are for sharks not for whales. Do keep up.

      1. macjules

        Re: Frickin' lasers

        Ah, but with Royal Navy cuts we are sadly reduced to mounting laser beams on angry seabass. Mind you, they are very angry seabass.

        1. Frumious Bandersnatch
          Coat

          Re: Frickin' lasers

          laser beams on angry seabass

          "To make sure we ate the most intelligent herring, he fished the estuary. He planted a notice: "Literate herring, this way" below the waterline, at the corner where it met the sea. The paint for the notice was made of crushed heads. Red-eyed herring (sore from reading) would round the corner, read the notice, and sense the estuary water, bland and eye-easing. A few feet brought them within the confining friendliness of his manila net... and a purposeful end."

          I'm off to play some (travel) Ludo...

          1. Frumious Bandersnatch

            Re: Frickin' lasers

            (edit: porpoiseful!)

      2. Stoneshop
        Boffin

        Re: Frickin' lasers

        As its harness apparently is for fitting a GoPro, it's likely to provide a video registration of the shark vapourising some target, so that the boffins involved can assess the damage.

  2. OssianScotland

    Was it done on porpoise?

    Coat please..... before the lynch mob get me

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      Yes, you Orca

    2. John H Woods Silver badge

      I sea what you did there

      1. phuzz Silver badge

        Ahem, I think you meant "I seal what you did there"...

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      porpoise?

      what are you carping about?

      1. Huw D

        Re: porpoise?

        For cod's hake...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: porpoise?

          I've haddock enough.

    4. KayJ

      On baleen it seems likely.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

    1. Stoneshop
      Coat

      Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

      That could well be a red herring.

      1. OssianScotland
        Coat

        Re: Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

        Possibly an Act of Cod?

        Alright, alright, I'll go quietly....

        1. Stoneshop
          Coat

          Re: Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

          Fishing for upvotes, are you?

          (the oilskin one, thanks)

          1. Frumious Bandersnatch

            Re: Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

            Ooh, slick!

        2. Swarthy

          Re: Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

          A blaspheme like that risks your sole!

          1. OssianScotland
            Coat

            Re: Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?

            Its OK, I've been prawn again....

    2. Swarthy

      Why show the country of origin on your spy equipment?
      For the halibut!

      1. Stoneshop
        Angel

        For the halibut!

        Was it good enough for Jehovah?

    3. Korev Silver badge
      Joke

      Especially as the gear is clearly from Wales

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    In Soviet Russia...

    Whale lives by hunting man!!

    1. Forum McForumface

      Re: In Soviet Russia...

      I was going to go with:

      In Soviet Russia, whale research you!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: In Soviet Russia...

        Also good!

  5. just_me

    Russians under every bed?

    Last time I checked... Russians speak ... um Russian, not English. The harness is in English, and there is a St. Petersburg, Florida in the United States. St Petersburg, Florida is also the location for several marine research institutes.

    Suggestion; Pause, take a deep breath.. install brain.. get a cup of coffee or tea.. and think about it. No there is not a Russian spy hiding under your bed, in your closet, in the attic.. or..?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Unhappy

      Re: Russians under every bed?

      You're harshing my Cold War nostalgia. And I was just about to break out my Duran Duran albums...

      1. Killing Time

        Re: Russians under every bed?

        'And I was just about to break out my Duran Duran albums..'

        Frankie's Two Tribes or Nena's 99 Red Balloons would be a bit more on the pulse of the politics at the time don't you think?

        Duran Duran didn't exactly fire up the youth of the day with their incisive political insight.

        They just about normalised the idea of eyeliner for boys!

    2. martinusher Silver badge

      Re: Russians under every bed?

      Russians also write funny....its all (somewhat) Greek to me.....

    3. macjules

      Re: Russians under every bed?

      Ah, but this is good old Soviet 'maskirovka'. Put in a nameplate saying "Made in the USSR in the Glorious People's Whale Harness Factory of Leningrad Petrograd St Petersburg". Decadent Westerners will never work it out.

    4. thames

      Re: Russians under every bed?

      Well since the media have definitely established that it's a military while, then obviously it must be an American military whale. He's just returning from a dangerous special forces mission behind enemy lines where he infiltrated the Russian herring fishery and uncovered their devious plans.

      Medals, book, movie rights, and line of sports clothing to follow after his hero's welcome in Washington.

      1. baud

        Re: Russians under every bed?

        I think it was a Russian red herring fishery

    5. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

      Russian or American?

      "Mr President, we must not allow a whale gap!"

    6. GreenPideon

      Re: Russians under every bed?

      Does anyone know what accent it had? That will tell us.

    7. Marcus Fil
      Facepalm

      Re: Russians under every bed?

      "Equipment St.Petersburg" and the accompanying logo (see video link in article and stop frame at the appropriate moment) will be familiar to those who have encountered Russian military equipment particularly packs and webbing made by SSO/SPOSN. Go fact check yourself if you do not believe me.

      Occam's razor says Russian.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Jones?

    Was Keanu Reeves spotted in the vicinity?

    1. Killing Time

      Re: Jones?

      Then it wasn't fish he was trying to score...

  7. Morten Kristiansen

    Not Exactly

    Media in Denmark report the whale is not begging for food. It seems to be rubbing against the fishing vessels the get the harness of.

    1. Chris G

      Re: Not Exactly

      " rubbing against the fishing vessels"

      Sooo, it's a HumpBoat Whale then?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not Exactly

      Likely so and that harness arrangement was just cruel. There's a few people now added to my "best use for a fish-gutting knife" list. I'm not an animal rights type, but damn!

  8. Frumious Bandersnatch

    Why-a Russia?

    It's-a not-a going anywhere!

  9. Sgt_Oddball
    Coat

    Seems more like a defector to me

    Handing over it's spy kit and seeking asylum.

    Hope it manages to stay that way and that it doesn't get caught in a Russian drag-net...

    Mines the one with the topless Putin fishing photos in the pocket.

  10. SVV

    Meanwhile, in the Murmansk whale pen........

    "That arsehole never shut up about his new GoPro camera before he went on holiday, but he hasn't even posted a single photo on his Facebook page yet!"

    1. OssianScotland

      Re: Meanwhile, in the Murmansk whale pen........

      Blowhole, Shirley?

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    " The US navy also uses the mammals for mine detection and rescuing divers."

    I am sure I have seen something about training them to assassinate the president - possibly after addicting them to heroin.

    This was from the internet, so it must be true.

    Could this possibly be The (smack addicted, ocean dwelling echo locating) Hero Your Country Needs.

  12. RRJ
    Happy

    Do they call him..???

    I guess it's James Beluga

    1. Bonzo_red

      Re: Do they call him..???

      Or if female, Nicola.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Holy Russian Vampire Zombie Cetaceans!

    Might be Beluga Lugosi

  14. Richard_Sideways
    Coat

    From Blubber, with love

    In fairness, theres no reason to think its the Russians... maybe this particular Beluga was into bondage... check his blowhole for a ballgag.

  15. Clive Galway
    Trollface

    In Soviet Russia, you don't hunt whales, whales hunt YOU

    Niet

  16. Ken Moorhouse Silver badge

    49 posts in...

    ...and no mention of phishing?

  17. Danny 2

    Dangerous stuff

    It's good the Norwegians found it before cooking the whale, it's a choking hazard.

  18. Ken Shabby

    Scope...

    Will it scale?

  19. Stoneshop

    There is now

    a competition to name the friendly cetacean

    DefectyMcDefectorface doesn't flow that well.

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