back to article Grubby, tortuous, full of malware and deceit: Just call it Lionel because the internet is MESSY

Trolls, fake news, Russian bots, radicals – there's plenty to put you off going online. And there's many a politician ready to clamp down on and control the internet, in an attempt to conquer these dark forces bruising our society, systems and discourse. But attempting to control the internet isn't just wrong – it's …

  1. Primus Secundus Tertius

    Misguided Idealism

    The Internet is a monument to misguided American idealism. The real world is very different from the sheltered world of universities. It shows what happens to a comfortable club when you let just anybody join.

    1. Stripes the Dalmatian

      Re: Misguided Idealism

      The internet originates from the US government's interest in creating a communications system which could reliably survive a major nuclear war.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Baran

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donald_Davies

  2. Alan Brown Silver badge

    Actually the Internet was an American MILITARY Cold War invention. There's a reason it was originally called ARPAnet

    Universities came along very much later.

    As for trolls and loons of most descriptions, the best way to deal with them isn't control, but full exposure (ie, not on their terms). It's been proven to take the wind out of the sails of wannabe fascists for a very long time.

    Sunlight is the best disinfectant

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "As for trolls and loons of most descriptions, the best way to deal with them isn't control, but full exposure (ie, not on their terms). It's been proven to take the wind out of the sails of wannabe fascists for a very long time."

      Until a NEW breed of Troll comes along: one that THRIVES on the exposure. Much like President Trump...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      As for trolls and loons of most descriptions, the best way to deal with them isn't control, but full exposure (ie, not on their terms). It's been proven to take the wind out of the sails of wannabe fascists for a very long time.

      What he said. Nick Griffin thought he was so clever getting himself invited onto Newsnight, didn't he?

  3. GIRZiM
    Trollface

    Fake News: burn it with fire then burn it again.

    Trolls: burn them with fire then string their corpses up from lampposts pour encourager les autres.

    People repeating the trolls' fake news: burn them with fire then string their corpses up from lampposts re-educate them burn them with fire then string their corpses up from lampposts (it's quicker, cheaper and you don't get repetitive faults)

    Problem: solved.

    Vote: me!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      And if they're FIREPROOF...or worse, can FEED on fire?

      1. James O'Shea

        "And if they're FIREPROOF...or worse, can FEED on fire?"

        1 Tie 'em to the muzzle of a largish cannon; during the Sepoy Mutiny, 6, 9, and 12-pounder field guns were often used, but with modern trolls something larger, such as a 120mm tank main gun, may be more suitable.

        2 load hyper-velocity discarding sabot armour-piercing, your choice of tungsten carbide or or depleted uranium. (In the Mutiny, they had to load first, of course, as they were using muzzle-loading guns, and they usually loaded with a blank charge. Sometimes the guns were loaded with grape, or if they really didn't like the boyo tied to the muzzle, canister.)

        3 fire.

        4 Repeat until out of trolls or out of ammunition.

        It worked a treat in 1857-8.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          What happens if you run out of ammo because the Trolls are just that tough? And note, we're already to the point that nuking from orbit isn't the sure thing it once was. Remember, the Andromeda Strain would've absorbed the energy if it had been nuked.

        2. P. Lee

          re: the use of cannons

          One man's troll is another man's satirist.

          Are WWE performers trolling?

          The cannon approach what they did to infowars last week, but unlike the real world, digital things can be infinitely cloned. Not only does it not really work (which is why I assume video-carrying social media acted as a cartel) but it brings the spotlight onto the problems of having morality police. I think that was probably a strategic mistake for both social media and the governments who push for viewpoint policing.

          I have no love or interest in infowars, but I take a great interest in what government and corporations think they should be able to do and this is not it.

  4. GIRZiM

    They might be resistant to fire (or even feed on it) but are they resistant to a good hanging?

    If they don't feed on it but are resistant, does it cause them pain? If so, string them up, burn them 24x7x52 - either way, broadcast the spectacle globally (it'll make good television and stimulate the economy).

    If they feed on it, see point 1.

    1. Charles 9 Silver badge

      "They might be resistant to fire (or even feed on it) but are they resistant to a good hanging?"

      An iron neck would make them hang- AND decapitation-proof. They'd probably break the rope first and revel in it. IOW, the worst thing you can do to someone crazy is to give them airtime. Problem is, the crazies are crazy enough to make NOT giving them airtime EVEN WORSE.

      1. GIRZiM

        An iron neck, you say?

        Fine, blast it with liquid nitrogen - we'll get the f**kers one way or another, if I have to dedicate the rest of my life to hunting them down with the aid of an extraordinarily attractive young woman who (completely coincidentally) isn't my sister.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Mushroom

    Internet designed to survive a major nuclear war?

    "The internet originates from the US government's interest in creating a communications system which could reliably survive a major nuclear war."

    No no no, despite no matter how many time that inexactitude is repeated, the Internet wasn't designed to survive a nuclear war. The Arpanet was about time-sharing expensive computing.

    It was from the RAND study that the false rumor started claiming that the ARPANET was somehow related to building a network resistant to nuclear war.

    This was never true of the ARPANET, only the unrelated RAND study on secure voice considered nuclear war. However, the later work on Internetting did emphasize robustness and survivability, including the capability to withstand losses of large portions of the underlying networks.”

  6. This post has been deleted by its author

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nothing wrong with the internet.

    Social media is the problem.

    1. GIRZiM

      Re: Nothing wrong with the internet.

      Nothing wrong with social media either - it's the antisocial vermin infesting it/them that are the problem.

      1. Charles 9 Silver badge

        Re: Nothing wrong with the internet.

        He's saying social media innately ATTRACTS them. Like how leaving puddles out in the open encourages disease-bearing mosquitoes.

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