Best thing about a smart toilet? You can take your mobile in without polluting it

A man on the internet wants me to take a look at his ring. He claims his ring detects hand gestures. Apparently with one flourish of the fingers, it will open up and let you in. His ring supports input as well as output. You can store things in it. It accommodates accessories. He uses it as a means of payment in lieu of cash …

[Jeroen Braamhaar]

C|N>K

"integral intestinal jet pack"

[AndrueC]

An IoT toilet sounds like a crap idea.

There. You just knew one of us was going to make that pun, and I am that person :)

[macjules]

Is there an El Reg article with suggestions for the worst or most stupid application of IoT?

My money would have been on an IoT electric toothbrush "to teach you how to brush your teeth" but Apple/Colgate already beat me to it.

[lawndart]

It's easy to tell if someone has sat down and really worked at producing good toilet humour or if they are just going through the motions.

[Captain Obvious]

I don't know.....

I think the comments are just going down the toilet....

[AndrueC]

Re: I don't know.....

People are beginning to take the piss.

[Anonymous Coward]

The obvious quote from "The Third Man":

" in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: The obvious quote from "The Third Man":

It's indeed a nice punchy quote, and one whose construction I have long admired, but I suspect most of the victims of the "warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed" might well have gladly traded in all of "Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance" for 30 years of peace and democracy. Well, probably a simple peace would have sufficed. Or maybe just even as little not being terrorized and murdered.

[lglethal]

Re: The obvious quote from "The Third Man":

There is a reason the statement "May your children live in interesting times!" used to be used as a curse.

[Mage]

Re: live in interesting times!

Though there is a Chinese saying with similar intent this one seems to be a 19th C. English invention. The closest Chinese is "Better to be a dog in a peaceful time, than to be a human in a chaotic period."

~

Curiously the "Willow Pattern" china is an English invention too, in the late 18th C., adopted later by Chinese copies. Though it was inspired by Chinese designs. The fable was made up later as marketing by a UK company.

~

I like to research things that my characters might say in my books, so I don't inadvertently reinforce urban myths. Some do have an element of truth, but in intent are false.

[Stork]

Re: The obvious quote from "The Third Man":

what's worse, whoever came up with it did obviously not bother studying Swiss history. Not satisfied with supplying mercenaries to various wars (some battles had Swiss on both sides, that's neutrality for you), they also had a fair deal of internal strife until 1848.

Catchy, but completely detached from reality.

[Mage]

The cuckoo clock

Ironically a German invention.

[Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese]

Re: The cuckoo clock

The cuckoo clock

Ironically a German invention.

I forget who it was that said it, but somebody said that Germany's two greatest achievements were convincing the world that Beethoven was German and Hitler was Austrian

[Swarthy]

Re: The cuckoo clock

I forget who it was that said it, but somebody said that Germany's two greatest achievements were convincing the world that Beethoven was German and Hitler was Austrian

I had heard it as "Austria's greatest accomplishments were convincing everyone that Mozart was Austrian, and that Hitler wasn't."

But I don't know the original source, either.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: The cuckoo clock

> I forget who it was that said it, but somebody said that Germany's two greatest achievements were convincing the world that Beethoven was German and Hitler was Austrian

The quote I think you are looking for is... Austria's greatest PR success is in convincing the world that Mozart was Austrian and Hitler was German.

Edit: 10 minutes to note that someone else just beat me to it!

[John Presland]

Re: The cuckoo clock

Errrr ... Beethoven was born in Bonn to parents both of whom were born and raised in the Rhineland. One of his grandfathers was, true enough, a Dutch immigrant but surely that's not enough to make him other than German.

[Anonymous Coward]

"The obvious quote from "The Third Man":"

Is completely wrong. Not only is the Black Forest not part of Switzerland, but the Swiss had a great reputation as mercenary soldiers - particularly the Appenzellers, who had earrings and upside down pipes so that in a battle they could avoid fellow citizens on the opposite side. They then developed a massive armaments industry and sold them to any government with money.

[Andy A]

Re: "The obvious quote from "The Third Man":"

I am led to believe that the line was not in the original script, but was ad-libbed by Orson Welles.

Typical for an American not to understand geography.

[Shadow Systems]

At Voyna i Mor, re: those viscious Swiss...

Of course they were viscious, just look at their army knives! They can kill you with any of a dozen tiny tools! "Look out! He's brandishing a spoon!" =-)p

[grumbler]

The Italians can stick their fucking Renaissance, the Swiss gave us Toblerone!

[Richard 12]

And then took half of it away, the bastards.

[Anonymous Coward]

"And then took half of it away, the bastards."

While still being made in Switzerland - Toblerone was acquired by the same US food giant that has been criticised by customers for its subsequent changes to other famous chocolate acquisitions eg Cadbury; Green & Black.

"Toblerone is a Swiss chocolate bar brand currently owned by US confectionery company Mondelēz International, Inc., which was formerly Kraft Foods, the company that acquired the product from former owner Jacobs Suchard in 1990."

[TonyJ]

Ahh Dabbsy

Highlight of my working week. Kudos.

[Bronek Kozicki]

Toilets which blow hot air...

That sounds nasty

[Swarthy]

Re: Toilets which blow hot air...

Sounds like someone is blowing smoke....

If they modify it to sanitize the hot air with UV light, could they then be said to be "pumping sunshine up your ass?"

[Anonymous Coward]

That procession video really captured the sort of ritual and theatricality that Augustus Pugin championed to attract congregations to the moribund English churches in the 19th century.

It is not surprising that he had spent his youth doing stage designs in theatres - which at that time had insalubrious reputations.***

*** It is interesting that the Wikipedia biography omits to mention this unholy formative phase of his life.

[Alistair Dabbs]

Pugin

Up voted for mentioning Pugin and the gothic revival.

[Steve Davies 3]

Re: Pugin

Have an upvote. I visited Stawberry Hill house in S.W. London last year. A pure delight.

[Pen-y-gors]

*** It is interesting that the Wikipedia biography omits to mention this unholy formative phase of his life.

Well, you know what to do - log on and start editing!

[Anonymous Coward]

"Well, you know what to do - log on and start editing!"

It'll be instantly reverted by the person who believes the entry is their own personal property.

I couldn't even get some "entry owner" to accept that "meeting minimal safety requirements" meant something different to (in, fact almost the opposite of) "meeting minimum safety requirements"

No, as a German confident in their English, they were so confident that I (a native speaker with a postgraduate education) was wrong in declaring the two adjectives non-synonymous, they refused to even to look it up. I gave up in the end.

[chivo243]

"looking pug ugly" on the other side of the pond it's just fugly, no reason to bring innocent dogs into it...

[Anonymous Coward]

"Who knows what they would have done if the crew hadn't intervened: [...]"

IIRC the solution was for the plane to make an emergency landing to offload the passenger.

[jake]

Seems to me they offloaded the passengers who took matters into their own hands. As in they were arrested and faced charges.

Remember, folks, unless you own the venue you are not in charge.

[Pen-y-gors]

Method in their madness

I must confess that at times I see the adverts for the Japanese wonder-loos, with every mod-con, and wonder if one could be plumbed in to a Welsh cottage without blowing the village power supply. Warm air, warm water, music, bliss! I could take the laptop with me and it's the new office - not sure about client meetings though.

Not at all convinced about the smartphone control though. In fact totally unconvinced. For something like that you need a simple control panel next to the device. I mean, what about visitors? Do they lose out on all the 21st century wonderfulness? And for the 3am visit, the phone is probably on charge.

Just like all almost all IoT kit, goes way too far and becomes negatively useful.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Method in their madness

Just like all almost all IoT kit, goes way too far and becomes negatively useful.

Only a matter of time before somebody adds a bowl-cam. And that'd be quite useful for those retards who insist on updating the online world about every moment of their day. Maybe have a built in motion detector, and then live stream to Faecesbook. Government could then demand backdoor access on grounds of national security, and your local council could fine anybody using more than five sheets per shite "to protect the environment".

Obviously audio feed would be staightforward, but technologists have so far been woefully remiss in the olfactory department, other than some early attempts in the US that they let slide.

[Alistair Dabbs]

Re: Method in their madness

Only a matter of time before somebody adds a bowl-cam

From what I've read, I believe a toilet bowl cam is standard equipment in Airbnb properties.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Method in their madness

From what I've read, I believe a toilet bowl cam is standard equipment in Airbnb properties.

Somehow that idea reminds me of this: NSFW unless your boss has a robust sense of humour.

[GIRZiM]

Re: Method in their madness

> Somehow that idea reminds me of this

And me of this.

[Pen-y-gors]

Re: Method in their madness

Wouldn't be surprised if a bowl-cam is already on the way, as part of the diagnostic package. The top-of-the-range models already do a lot of medical diagnosis, and the cam will just assist with checking out the development of your Farmer Giles' - all uploaded to the Cloud and widely available on a YouTube channel near you.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Method in their madness

and the cam will just assist with checking out the development of your Farmer Giles' - all uploaded to the Cloud and widely available on a YouTube channel near you

And top, top, top of the range will have a little windscreen wiper on the lens, to clean away the consequences of a sputtering ring. And even that will have a "smart" revenue stream in 2025:

"AI analysis by Google Deep Mind (tm) completed! BLEEP! Deep Mind (tm) has detected that Bowl-cam HX248-8491-A67GW has bad image smearing! BLEEP! Image analysis consistent with a worn excrement wiper blade; Location 42 Acacia Grove, Stockport. Arse Identification has positively identified the foulage as being from the anus of a Mister Smeagol Gove! Despatch a technician with BCW4-X3 wiper blade, and a wiper arm cleaning and re-lube kit and a set of latex gloves. Alert PharmaOnline to an opportunity to sell Preparation H, alert Tesco of an opportunity to sell baby koala soft toilet paper and industrial strength air freshener. Notify Smeagol Gove's friends on Facebook with reminders to congratulate him on pebbledashing the pan...oh, no friends recorded, abort that. Alert Mark Zuckerberg so he can pimp this data anyway!"

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Method in their madness

"...wonder if one could be plumbed in to a Welsh cottage without blowing the village power supply. Warm air, warm water, music,.."

No! No! and No!

You really want a choir forming when you're busy on the bog??

[Shadow Systems]

At Pen-y-gors...

The next upgrade will be Voice Assist. Now everyone can hear you screaming at your toilet. "Oh dear gods NO! Not the flaming blow again! AIIIIIEEEEE!"

[whileI'mhere]

Re: FailCEO

"...and it's the new office - not sure about client meetings though."

I seem to recall some time ago (1970s?) seeing a film extract on Barry Norman's Film programme of that year (if only I could remember which year) where the concept was to reverse eating and shitting. The extract showed a company board meeting taking place with everyone on a shitter, free to raise the lid and let rip, while those needing any food or drink had to excuse themselves to a small ante-room and do it in private, quietly. It was, of course, a foreign-langauge film. Wish I could find out what it was...

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: FailCEO

"Wish I could find out what it was..."

Le fantôme de la liberté (and many more country variations) (1974) by Luis Buñuel.

[Dave 126]

Problems no one has?

In Vietnam and Cambodia, every toilet has a (manually operated) flexible hose for washing whilst sat in the toilet. It's great. It's maybe due to older houses having sewage systems that don't cope with toilet paper. It maybe that the heat and humidity of that climate makes another way of keeping fresh desirable. Whatever, it's a far better solution than using 'flushable' wet wipes as some folk in the UK do.

And if you have any expectations of getting lucky that day, it's confidence-inspiring to feel clean and fresh below the belt.

The architecture in Japan often leans towards smaller houses and thinner walls. Having a toilet that produces sound effects (birdsong, waterfalls) is a way of maintaining a pretence of privacy.

The first mainstream waterproof smartphones were from Sony. I don't know if this is related at all. I usually start playing a podcast before I do my business, and pick it up again after washing my hands - so the waterproofing is mainly handy for listening to podcasts in the shower. That Sony made a waterproof tablet is useful, given how many people tablets them to display cooking recipes.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Problems no one has?

The architecture in Japan often leans towards smaller houses and thinner walls.

That's a frightening thought given the tiny, dingy modern day slums that UK builders create, along with their paper thin internal walls.

Of course, maybe that's why the Japanese population is in decline.

[Shadow Systems]

AtDave 126, re: bathroom noises.

I like to cover mine by cranking up my MP3 player to various fog horns, train whistles, boat horns, & other assorted wind instruments. I'm sure my neighbors get a kick out of hearing train chugging, whistling, & splashing sounds. =-)p

[Steve Davies 3]

nice one Dabbsy

"solve a problem that no-one really has"

That sums up IoT in a nutshell. Can I have a gold star now?

[Stoneshop]

Re: nice one Dabbsy

Can I have a gold star now?

That would require not just this HyperBog, but the Star Upgrade upgrade as well.

[Franco]

Re: nice one Dabbsy

No, you can have an internet enabled gold star. It signals other star holders via bluetooth when you are near.

I recently watched Craig Ferguson's Tickle Fight special on Netflix and he talks about Japanese toilets quite a bit. Presumably one requires the correct NFC code on a smart ring to enter them though.

[Bob Wheeler]

Now with added functions

The wife bought a new electric toothbrush the other week. I was bemused to see on the packaging that the toothbrush has Bluetooth. So I got thinking "well, a blue tooth needs brushing doesn't it?"

Turns out that the is also an app your put on your phone, and pair with the toothbrush via Bluetooth and the app monitors you brushing your teeth and tells you if your doing it right or not.

How did I live without this before?

[Pen-y-gors]

Re: Now with added functions

I saw an advert for one of these a few weeks ago. No wonder my life seems so empty and worthless.

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Now with added functions

No wonder my life seems so empty and worthless

Well - since you are posting on El Reg forums why should you be any different from the rest of us?

Life. I knew someone who had one once. But he wouldn't sell it to me..

[Anonymous Coward]

Too often I get so engrossed in El Reg's comments while eating a meal that I forget to take my after-meal pill - or to set the timer for a 2-hours-after blood glucose check.

I have just made myself an Arduino "pill reminder". The design problem was that there is quite a lot of variation in my mealtimes.

I thought about pressure sensors in my chair - then realised that the best indicator is my coffee mug. So I now have a coaster that works out when I am drinking coffee at the approximate time of day for it to be accompanying a meal.

Automating the signal that the appropriate pill has been taken was physically too awkward - so that currently relies on an unreliable human button press. That then starts the 2 hour timer function.

IoT was thought of to set up the pill times - which rarely change. For now it just gets a new recompile of the Arduino program downloaded via USB. When I reach my dotage wi-fi may be useful to alert my carers that my coffee cup has been absent - or not moved - for some unlikely period.

[Pen-y-gors]

Na, wouldn't work for me. Coffee approx hourly until mid-afternoon. I am soooo looking forward to non-invasive continuous blood-glucose monitors!

Could be worse. My Dad had Parkinson's and was on a pill every hour throughout the day.

[Anonymous Coward]

"Na, wouldn't work for me. Coffee approx hourly until mid-afternoon."

You would set a range of times in which you would be likely to have a meal. If your cup was being lifted and put down inside one of those periods the coaster would flash its light until you pressed the "done" button. That would then start a timer to flash a different light for a short period after 2 hours until cancelled or "done".

It does depend on various constraints that would not apply to everyone's situation. Using the coaster at meal times being the obvious one. The 2 hour alert might have to be scaled up to be suitably audible if you had left the room.

Not sure how quickly one will become inured to the alarm signals.

Obviously a wi-fi module could send a signal for a screen pop-up. That makes the coaster electronics a bit bulkier as an Arduino Nano will not have enough regulated power - and possibly ram. May still fit in my selected clear plastic box 127x110x27mm that fits the role of a "coaster" nicely.

Google seem to have gone quiet on their continuous glucose monitoring of eye fluids in a contact lens type of sensor.

[Anonymous Coward]

Addendum

"The 2 hour alert might have to be scaled up to be suitably audible if you had left the room."

Which now occurs to me is already present in my other Arduino designs I was cannibalising to make this Pill timer. It can use a low power 433MHz module to send a signal to a portable/loud door chime dedicated to this purpose. A cheat would be to use a reed relay to apply power to the chime's bell push.

[Chronos]

Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

Seems some card of a Sharpie-artist was way ahead of the curve:

"Some come here to sit and think,

Others come to shit and stink,

I just come to read the walls."

[Spacedinvader]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

Variation;

"Some come here to read and write,

Some come here to wonder,

I came here to piss and shite,

And fart like fuckin' thunder"

[Santa from Exeter]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago @ Cronos

I think you'll find the complete version is -

Some people come to sit and think,

Whilst others come to shit and stink;

But I just come to scratch my balls,

And read the writing on the walls.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

Reminds me of the prize-winning Betjeman parody:

"Here I sit, alone and fifty/ bald and fat and full of sin/ cold the seat and loud the cistern/ as I read the Harpic tin."

As that's off topic, just imagine the kickstarter for the Rings of Power.

The Nine Rings for mortals were such crap that one would think Sauron would have to look for volunteers, or pay people to use them. "Ring conveys power of being a miserable git and upsetting people. Ability to fly on horse, but does not attract girls. I get to tell you what to do. Survival odds slightly better than one way Mars trip."

[GIRZiM]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

Here I sit, broken hearted

Paid 2p and only farted

[John Presland]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

That's inflation for you. In my day we paid a penny, which scans much better.

[Pen-y-gors]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

@ John Presland

And that was a proper penny, big, heavy with Britannia on it!

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

The Nine Rings for mortals were such crap that one would think Sauron would have to look for volunteers

Ah - they were made superficially attractive with the promise of power in order to lure people into unending misery and slavery.

Much like IoT.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

My favorite was a stall that had an inscription just over the toilet paper dispenser (on the right hand wall) that said "Bathroom tennis: look left".

On the left wall was the inscription "look right".

Hopefully nobody else was in the bathroom that day, or they'd be wondering about my mental condition or bathroom activities.

[GIRZiM]

Re: Hopefully nobody else was in the bathroom that day

> or they'd be wondering about my mental condition or bathroom activities

Yeah?

I'd have been wondering WtF they were doing in my stall myself!

[GIRZiM]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

Written on the condom dispenser; "My dad says they don't work".

[Chairman of the Bored]

Re: Seen in an analogue lavatory years ago

Dad says these don't work... That's epic!

I worked for a place the went on an ISO-9000-driven "label evrruthing" schtick. Written on the container of paper seat covers: "ass gaskets". Above the pots "this container is not authorized for storage of classified defense information". Above the urinals "Men! Be security conscious. The future of the world is in your hands."

Security blew a gasket...

[Arctic fox]

Is that you on the bog in that picture Dabbsie?

If so, which poor benighted bastard was obliged to take it? Talk about a shit job.

[Anonymous Coward]

While on the theme of lower abdominal functions

Was just served an ad looking at the Dabsy rant, and this came up.

Pants from a company advertising itself as Newchic that can apparently, and I quote:-

1. Magnetic particles release energy.

2. Improved sleep quality.

3. Enhance the function of immune system,

strengthen the body resistance.

4. Improve the body's oxygen content,

supplement the body's mineral elements

So once you have had your evening bodily clear out, these pants can imbue your moving parts with unparalleled vitality. Even the great Alistair could not realise his article was describing something less bad than the genuine ad in the sidebar...

I for one cant see the attraction of pants that will radiate into my 'nads while attracting dropped knives, send me into a coma, increase my resistance or further fossilize by body with minerals.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: While on the theme of lower abdominal functions

Magnetic pants? What about people with prince alberts? They'll never get free!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: While on the theme of lower abdominal functions

"What about people with prince alberts? "

They can then claim it has a great power of attraction.

[GIRZiM]

Something that does everything

So long as you have your phone in your pocket at the time.

[MrXavia]

Smart ring?

I saw someone with an Apple Watch on the tube trying to exit using it and making little progress (in his slight defence, the last week the tube has been acting up with my cards a bit, but he did look like a plonker!)

[Anonymous Coward]

"while those who tend not to get lucky work in finance"

Finance is where the people who had a personality too bad to work in IT tend to congregate.

[Compression Artifact]

The only feature I've ever wanted in a smart toilet is an anemometer. When the wind blows, the roof vents act like pitot tubes and suck some of the water out of the toilets. It should be a simple matter to measure the air pressure in the sewer line and calibrate it to wind speed.

[Anonymous Coward]

" the roof vents act like pitot tubes "

Modern 100mm stacks can be sealed inside the building with a vacuum relief valve at their top end. Apparently not having a pipe obstruction above the roof helps minimise wind vortices that could rip the tiles off.

[Dr_N]

Japanese Bogs

Once you get over the bloodchilling dread of hitting the wrong button at the wrong moment, the wash 'n' wax Japanese khazis are a ring rinsing revelation.

A pooper purification panacea.

Can't see how IoTing them helps anything.

[Stoneshop]

Technology question

Would this dunny also use logchain?

[Anonymous Coward]

PanFan

I believe a "PanFan" might be the noxious fume extractor that Mr Dabbs is seeking...

[Anonymous Coward]

Has Mr Dabbs considered a "PanFan" for his noxious fumes?

[Chris G]

Get nailed by a carpenter

"the survey found that carpenters and civil servants were most likely to get jiggy on a regular basis"

The above gives me hope, I retire in two weeks and then move to my new house , it has a workshop in the garden where I intend to make and sell furniture.

A few years back one of my clients had a Jap Super Loo installed, the ringwash feature must have been designed by Karcher, he told me when he first tested it, it nearly lifted him off the seat while giving him a power enema, kind of put me off trying it.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Get nailed by a carpenter

"the ringwash feature must have been designed by Karcher, he told me when he first tested it, it nearly lifted him off the seat while giving him a power enema, kind of put me off trying it."

Bastard! See icon.

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Re: Get nailed by a carpenter

experts at Butt Joints.

A firmer hold can be achieved with a Nailed butt joint or a Screwed butt joint.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butt_joint

Paris? Excels at handling Wood

[Chairman of the Bored]

So what video does one stream while on the pot?

Maybe old Star Trek? "To boldly go where no man has gone before...".

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Pay As You Go

My water bill is composed of two parts - the supply charge that is on the metered consumption and a waste water charge that uses the consumption figure plus a figure based on the rain/surface water catchment area of the property.

With IoT connected "intelligent" WCs, the waste water charge can be fine tuned and reported (c.f. electricity smart meters). The water company could send you an itemised bill, listing each and every flush and the waste matter load/burden. Or even have direct billing "Pay-As-You-Pee-and-Poo"/Pay-As-You-Go.

[Trollslayer]

What brave new world

This would have made Aldous Huxley tremble

[WereWoof]

Once again I find myself wishing to be able to upvote articles as well as comments!

[Gentry753]

Once you get over the bloodchilling dread of hitting the wrong button at the wrong moment, the wash 'n' wax Japanese khazis are a ring rinsing revelation.

A pooper purification panacea.

Can't see how IoTing them helps anything.