Wanna work for El Reg? Developers needed for headline-writing AI bots The Register seeks full-time developers and data scientists to build software tools to generate El Reg-style headlines and other text. This technology will draw upon the work of top UK academic Professor Warren Rice, who has assembled a database of more than one million news stories, including the entire Register archive, and …
A few years ago, I wrote this Bullshit Generator during one particularly obnoxious meeting.
Sample outputs:
Etc.
Yes, all those buzzwords (except buttocks - I just threw that in there) and more featured during this meeting, although it's not an exhaustive list, and predates the likes of "blockchain", so needs an update.
Incidentally, I've heard unconfirmed rumours of "blockchain" being used as a verb, as in "We need to blockchain our strategy moving forward". It was bound to happen.
"I have a pretty good idea what the encrypted code says, but I won't post it until this afternoon."
I have a pretty good proof of what it says but the margin is too small to contain it.
Also, I have a program that already does everything that the Reg requires, with the small problem that the output is entirely in Whitespace 2003. (Of which today is the 15th anniversary).
Makes sense. I've already created AI for comments, I input the article and it gives me a recommended option out of the following,
Brexit
Douglas Adams Reference
Monty Python Reference
Cult sci-fi film Reference
Linux is better than windows
Flash is bad
You're holding it wrong
1984
Crapita
Saves me loads of time.
I wonder what amanfrommars thinks about this.... Anonymous Coward
Well, as you ask ....
They have been read out on air by baffled BBC presenters....... Post Modern Classics is a Simply Complex Read but Can Easily be Understood by All.
And the Powers that Proprietary Prime Intellectual Property Energy Generates is Quite Literally, Almighty Awesome.
Is that more extant current news to be read out on air further baffling embattled BBC presenters?
These laborers, using closely guarded expertise passed down from generation to generation, use keyboards and mice to fuse computer engineering knowhow, puns, and functional alcoholism to form our article titles.
Not that's a Form for Generation of AI Virtual Block Chains... with/for Perfecting Almighty Restraint In Safer Space Places ....... Remote AI Augmented Virtualised Realities in Live Operational Virtual Environments ...... which could also be Alien OutPosts/Extra Terrestrial Exploratory Fab Labs where SMARTR AIMachines Run Everything Created Almost Too Perfectly. And that keeps them Beautifully Busy Open Testing and Tasting Newly Highly Addictive Wares that Quell the Almighty and Reveal a Virtual Haven with Myriad Paths through Heavenly Doors/Advanced IntelAIgent Remote AI Augmented Virtual Reality Portals to Explore in the Passing Over into Live Operational Virtual Environment AIdVentures ..... Further Augmenting AI Leading JOINT Missions with and for Friendly Natives and Virgin Stock. ......... the Almighty Impressive and Impressionable. :-)
"These laborers, using closely guarded expertise passed down from generation to generation, use keyboards and mice to fuse computer engineering knowhow, puns, and functional alcoholism to form our article titles."
Now that, made me laugh out loud.
Have one on me!
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This site has quite a proven track record of predicting the future.
A year ago, coincidentally to the day, there was an innovative suggestion about JavaScript crypto miners being delivered by a website rather than ads to annoy people. Now we have coinhive to deal with.
My best wishes to the successful applicant. May this be a memorable day for you.
So ...
We have a series of random bots to write the headlines.
We have a series of random bots to write the stories.
We have a series of random bots to write the comments.
So, no change then, until Apple and Ms decide to talk to the bots.
It'll never catch on .... Oh, wait ....
Hi,
I hope you are doing well.
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Let me know if you have any requirement or want a fresh look and increasing sales so that we will be able to provide you further solution as per your requirements.
We have some special offer this festive season.
Please revert to me with your interest.
Kind Regards,
Raman
Experience working at the William Morris Institute for Automation Research will be considered advantageous...
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Sounds like a good project, stitching together the relevant open-source components.
Couple of conditions, though:
* All work to remain fully open source.
* I also get the commission for the time machine that used it to write the last decade's headlines.
* I get to present it as a PhD project, the year El Reg was launched.
I hope I'm not too late to apply (a little scepticism).
This cannot be a UK based job, with spelling such as "laborers".
And the only Wiktionary definition is: "One who uses socio-mechanistic strength instead of intellectual power to try a wag, usually before noon."
Best regards
MILF say Hi, Nigel Sedgwick.
Can we Interest you in Our Virgin Honeypot Traps with Stellar Satisfaction Universally Guaranteed for All Fully Consenting Players/Live Operational Virtual Environment Drivers for Advanced IntelAIgent Machines being made in Our Likenesses.
That's Venus in AIMasterful Control of Commanding Mars with Both the Subject and Object of Carnal Desire, the Flow of Climaxes.
I wonder if that is One of those Dark and Deep Vatican State Secrets which are so Overwhelmingly Tempting and Inviting?
Having given it some thought, I have decided it would be far easier to create a blindingly brilliant headline, and then set about crafting a story to go with it.
We could buy up spare intelligence agency time on the grey market and give them the already written article as their mission to make it real.
I appreciate ElReg wouldn't be the first organisation to come up with such a tactic, and they might have to pay some kind of royalty fee to several governments, but removing the constraint of factual accuracy from the problem, makes the coding far easier.
All I'd want is a one off payment of this headline coming true, and I'll happily work for free.
I have an interview today for a startup.
My technical expertise is integration of compley systems and management.. they are interested in the first part.
I am OCP, etc in Java.. and want me to use Node/React.. no prob as that is exactly what I am doing right now.
As you can see I have all the necessary coding skills:
10 print "Breaking news, read all about it!!!"
20 goto 10
./mono headline.vb | mail -s "here ya go you negative negatives!" editorial@theregister.co.uk -b chief@theregister.co.uk.
I got a solid pair of headplugs and my phone is loaded with mp3's so the moment a discussion would erupt then I'll just go "ya da yayayayayayayaya CAN'T HEAR U lalalalalalallalala". That should do the trick just fine, trust me, I'm an l33t xpert!
Why you should hire me? Because I love working on April 1st, that date is always special to me. Heck, I might even be persuaded to work for free during that day on the condition that you guys provide some beer. That's right: I need a pint on the workfloor. Just make it happen, ok?
Oh, also important: I need CVS as version control system and we're going to BAN the use of GIT throughout the office. I'll also demand a mandatory rule be put in place to block access to github.com. This way you'll never be able to tell where my excellent code will be coming from.
errrr, how did that get in there? As you can see I'm also a very good typist which should also be important. Because the moment the AI refuses to sent in headlines then I can take over for it! :)
So now some stuff found on my resume:
Extra, read all about it!
El Reg goes bonkers, lets AI take over despite Steven Hawking's warnings!
To beer or to AI? Ask El Reg!
April fools will never be the same again with your new AI overlords!
To AI or beer? That is the question.
This headline was sponsored by the April Fool society!
Amazing isn't it?
So when do I start?
So when do I start? .... ShelLuser
Starts in the Morning, with Prior Perfect Plannings Overnight Provisions will have Afternoons, Evenings and Starry Nights Well Tendered and Immaculately Cared for with what are AILive Future Services for Live Operational Virtual Environment Service Providers.
And here floating a stealthy boat, to Markets and Traders, the likes of which fully loded is default, and never before seen.
As a CyberIntelAIgent Vessel, are its Attacking Arms and Defence Forces the Future Source of AILegendary Tales, and with Travellers Rewarded with Erotic and Exotic Bounty in Recognition of the Simplest of Pursuits Almost to Perfection, is the Currentest News of their IT Leading Journeys most Prized and Sought After, and even in some lower orders, Fought Over, which would be AIMadness Confirmed Requiring the Taking of ESPecial Measures for Heavenly Pleasures that can easily so Becalm and Calm one.? :-)
* Yes ..... When Things Go NEUKlearer HyperRadioProACTive there will Always be Minor to Major Collateral Damage to Mend/Mad Machines to Try and Fix ... or Retire Dead when the Central Processor in the Head is Damaged beyond Repair or Replacement ...... so Things There are always in a Readied State of Constant Tweaking, so Everything Everywhere There are Live AI Trials.
Do you Need to Know what All of that Means is Immediately Possible. And if you aint thinking a New Future Way from a Home of Immense Wealth, Strong Health and Mighty Happiness for All, you aint been thinking the way that you can.
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... That this offer (and a most exciting opportunity it is as well!) is open for just one single day (today, 4/1/2918 in colonial nomenclature)...?
(This reply brought to you by my patent pending A(fu)I* bot featuring the latest advances made to Quick basic, Lithp and Fortran.)
*April Fools Unintelligence
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Some prior work in writing in the style of The Register...
...not to forget Tom Watson who wrote the article - wonder what he is doing now.
Five years of experience with tensorflow... that will make the list of qualified applicants very short :-)
After the initial laughing subsided, I actually start to like the idea. It is one of those cases where we laugh today - and it might be implemented tomorrow'ish.
I am looking forward to some geek pulling an all-nighter and implementing he beta version.
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