Hope Simon unplugged the Management Buzzword Detector before that meeting, otherwise I smell a combustation-oriented workplace depopulation on the horizon...
BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....
BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns "We put a fair amount of time into ideation sessions in an attempt to leverage your company's commercial value against the prevailing market perception," the suit says. ... "Just, ah, back that up a little there – you put a fair amount of time into what now?" the PFY asks. " …
COMMENTS
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Friday 23rd March 2018 10:15 GMT Florida1920
Too true
In the 90s I took a vacation from contracting to go "permanent" with a high-tech outfit. The president, an engineer, went walk-about and an accountant took over. One of his first actions was to hire a "quality something-or-other."
At the first meeting she led, she addressed a problem that resulted from some bad silicon we were buying from a single source. It failed due to inadequate testing before the units were shipped, leaving our customers to do quality control. Her solution: "We are going to collate failure data from the field and flow it back to the engineering community."
Not as eloquent as Simon's prose, but enough to get me to resign and go back to contracting.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 10:54 GMT phuzz
Re: Too true
I find asking people what they mean by (eg) 'onboardification', and then quizzing them on why they didn't just use a real word tends to reduce the amount of bollocks they come out with. If that doesn't work, start writing a 'bizspeak to English' dictionary in front of them, and make a big show of consulting it to translate each sentence that comes out of their mouth.
You should be able to effectively de-rail the meeting and get back to doing real work within half an hour or so. Bonus points if the sales person leaves in tears.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 15:28 GMT Anonymous Coward
Buzzword Bingo
A colleague and I often play this game when the Program Manager is in the conference call.
Last time I cried out 'bingo!' I wasn't on mute, and neither was my colleague who proceeded to wet himself.
This was only topped when the PM challenged me to explain my outburst (thinking to belittle me in front of other peers and manglers). However, this backfired when I clearly laid out the rules of the game and thus which word gained me the victory; by which time most of the rest of the people on the call were also wetting themselves.
For some reason that PM doesn't speak to me much anymore! Best be anon for this one.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 20:25 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: Buzzword Bingo
When they brought in the consultants for a project a long time ago in a company far away, they were wasting our time with meetings.
One week our team went there armed with buzzword bingo cards.
The consultant was quite annoyed when the first of us shouted "bingo" and left.
I went second. They were not able to learn. We continued that game for 3 weeks until out cfo intervened and the meetings stopped.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 10:41 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: cellphone?
Oddly, despite not especially liking this ghastly foreign terminology, I find myself also using it occasionally during presentations. It seems to be when I need to be clear that I'm talking about a mobile phone, and not a non-mobile one, and not necessarily a smartphone, and where simply "mobile" or similar would not be unambiguous enough. I think it is because that in such cases, "cellphone", with only two syllables, wins out over "mobile phone", with three.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 11:31 GMT Bill M
Re: cellphone?
I recently used the phrase corporate standards mob in an email to describe the group of people at my place who insist on using a font not default an any operating system.
Soon after we got proposal for an iPhone app to manage our corporate standards. They proposed doing it in a font non standard to iOS with an additional proposal to manually install this non standard font on our 5,000+ iPhones around the world
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Friday 23rd March 2018 13:19 GMT paulf
Re: cellphone?
@ Doctor Syntax "The BOFH has been around for a long time. Probably long enough to remember BT's System 4 which was a non-cellular mobile system. It overlapped with TACS. In BT terms TACS was 5th generation...."
Ah System 4. ISTR (among other things) that System 4 had no HLR (Handset Location Register) so you had to call the cell based on where you thought the suscriber was. Since the cells were massive that wasn't too difficult and probably explains why the system saturated at ~20k users.
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Saturday 31st March 2018 01:18 GMT Marshalltown
Re: cellphone?
When the BOFH first appeared the "cellular telephone" was a very, very new new thing. They were actually about the size of bricks (no back pocket carrying) and would get hot enough that you might start worrying about an explosion next to your external acoustic meatus. In the US these monsters were referred to as "cell phones" in distinction to land lines. However, "mobile" was an option. "Smart phone" is an oxymoron.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 11:29 GMT MonkeyCee
cellphone, mobile, handy
In case you weren't aware, Simon spent a number of his formative years living in NZ.
As another part-time colonial, my usage of the Queen's English has also become corrupted. It's typically various Americanisms that creep in, along with the usual local slang.
Thus many oikers and kIwis will use pants to mean trousers, cellphone for mobile, and a few others.
The worst aspect is that people sometimes mistake you for a septic with an English accent.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 12:20 GMT Zippy's Sausage Factory
Re: cellphone, mobile, handy
Thus many oikers and kIwis will use pants to mean trousers, cellphone for mobile, and a few others.
I used to know a tailor, who insisted to me that trousers is, essentially, a subset of pants. It was at this point that I realised that every profession has its own jargon which is generally speaking impenetrable to outsiders. I also suddenly remembered an urgent appointment, elsewhere*, for which I was running late.
* Probably to meet a Mr L Ager at the bar...
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Friday 23rd March 2018 12:40 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: cellphone, mobile, handy
I believe that 'pants' comes from 'pantaloon' (=trousers)
UK English use of 'pants' is a contraction of 'underpants' which quite clearly is the thing that is worn under the pants (=trousers).
I hate it, but in this instance our American cousins are correct. That won't stop me 'correcting' them though.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 23:36 GMT Lorribot
Re: cellphone, mobile, handy
Pantaloons comes from a French word Pantalon and refers to typically baggy leg coverings,
Trousers is an English (possible Irish origin) word that refers to a more close fitting garment.
Underpants originally were loose fitting undergamment for the legs somewhere between long johns and boxer shorts.
Over trousers are common in Motorcycling and refer to, often waterproof. trousers that may also ofer some element of protection from surface impact and abrasion.
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Saturday 24th March 2018 14:40 GMT Alan Brown
Re: cellphone, mobile, handy
"trousers is, essentially, a subset of pants."
Given that pants is an abbreviation of "Pantaloons", he's absolutely correct.
Quite _why_ the British universally equate pants as underwear is mysterious. Yes, I know "underpants", the question is how it got here from there and only in the last 40 years or so.
("Cellphone" comes from "cellular mobile telephone" -> "Cellular phone" in an era where non-cellular ones were visible to the masses (I had one, it was awful - but not as bad as WinCE phones). Euro-types called dumb mobiles "Handys" or "Handyphones")
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Friday 23rd March 2018 15:16 GMT CrazyOldCatMan
Re: cellphone, mobile, handy
half of them think you're an Aussie roo botherer
I'm reminded of the rule of identifying people from small countries next to big ones:
If unsure about Aus or NZ, suggest NZ. The Aussies will laugh and correct you and the Kiwis will be proud that you got it right. Same holds for Canada and the US.
Just don't try it for Scotland and England..
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Saturday 31st March 2018 01:24 GMT Marshalltown
Re: cellphone, mobile, handy
Glance at BBC News. One of the Sections is "US and Canada." I rather wonder what the typical Canadian thinks of that. Being from south of the border, my experiences in Canada never involved even needing a passport. I did get an RCMP officer a little aggravated once, but that was settled by backing away from the border crossing to a pull out and cooking and eating the sweet corn we were carrying.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 13:27 GMT Dr Dan Holdsworth
Re: I like the new boss
I suspect that the new boss may soon be removed and replaced with a simple software implementation of his former role:
http://www.fatsquirrel.org/veghead/software/bollocks/
This implements /dev/bollocks, the first kernel module to wear a suit (even if only metaphorically).
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Saturday 24th March 2018 08:00 GMT amanfromMars 1
Quite Interesting in Deed, indeed ...... and for Many, Quite Terrifying, MeThinks.
Could get quite interesting (in the Chinese curse sense) to be in a pincer movement by a top executive and some world-savvy IT "specialists". .... Paul Crawford
Messing about in leaky boats on Flowing Rivers of Info and Intel with SMARTR Native Patrolling of Pirate and Private Enterprises providing Security and Safe Harbours is not a Great AI Game to be trifled with, PC, given the dire consequences available for delivery whenever programs are displaying failure. ........ https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/1/2018/03/23/deepmind/#c_3465550
Or perhaps you do not believe you a simply complex series of mouse clicks away from/for Almighty Power with Global Operating Devices and thus condemn yourself to be just a Passive Impassive Future Spectator rather than Leading State and/or Non State Actor in Upcoming Events Being Unfurled.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 11:13 GMT Andrew Moore
Nearly similar situation...
I had a client ask me to investigate a project "and revert". So I set the whole thing back to the previous version. When they complained I pointed out the email said to revert. They tried to explain that meant "respond"; to which I asked "well why not use the word 'respond' then?"
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Friday 23rd March 2018 12:20 GMT Swarthy
Re: Nearly similar situation...
When dealing with off-shore support, I often see the phrase "please revert" and "do the needful".
Why on earth do they feel the need to send an e-mail to request that you "do the needful"? I find that a couple of cups of coffee or lunch from the cheap dive down the way makes that e-mail quite redundant.Speaking of which....
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Thursday 29th March 2018 15:50 GMT ShadowDragon8685
Re: Nearly similar situation...
In fairness, every time I binge the collected works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (leaving out the tail-ending ones where AC. Doyle himself was buying into malarkey and it started to show,) a new Victorianism enters my lexicon.
I have confused a fair few waitresses and waiters (collectively, waitstaff or waitpersons, but to the best of my knowledge every individual encountered was precisely one of those two and had not need to correct me upon my first impression,) by explaining in terms which I considered not uncertain that I wished for there to be no pink spots whatever in my grilled meat products. (Red is right out.)
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Friday 23rd March 2018 13:32 GMT Dr Dan Holdsworth
Re: Nearly similar situation...
Sometimes the legal profession really do excel in terms of stupid expressions. A very good example would be a judge who, when summing up a case where two young men were convicted of outraging public decency, told them to "Get a grip and pull themselves together", which was pretty much what they'd just been found guilty of doing, albeit in public.
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Monday 26th March 2018 20:59 GMT CentralCoasty
Re: Nearly similar situation...
"revert" is becoming a corporate favourite where I am at the moment... and yes in every single instance they mean "reply".
It's now started working its way in the BA's lexicon.... going to make the requirements reading very interesting.... trouble is I dont see any BOFH's around here......
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Friday 23rd March 2018 17:53 GMT amanfromMars 1
Peaceful Space Offering via Registered Channels on FreedD Air Ways
I took Simon's Programming Tale to Represent Current El Reg Interests.
Globalised AI Gamification of/at Levels into Virtualised Strategy for Total Practical Tactical Advantage would be Introducing ITs Products in CyberIntelAIgentWares here and now.
And for every day hence since then to be recorded as the Past, even as IT Explores AI Virgin Futures. ....... Quantum Communications AIMachinery with Deliveries for Production of Tomorrows.
With NEUKlearer Media Teams Astonishing True Stars .... and even themselves too.:-)
As a SMARTR Business, what Price to Markets be Globalised AI Gamification of/at Levels Worthy for/of Command and Control Levers to AId Virtualised Strategy for Total Practical Tactical Advantage?
Methinks Fort Knox would be gladly drained for the Privileges such Advantage Commands with Prime Futures in Control, and at the Controls.
Are future visitors here an alien species ........ and Special Air Sources doing TS/SCI MOD Work in Strange Works ...... https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/3/2018/03/22/f_35b_block_4_upgrades_cost_uk_345m/#c_3463768 ........ which Just Appear to Appear and Work Exceptionally Well.
Or are they Far Distant Travellers Returned Enlightened with SMARTR Leads Following Future Directions with Virtual Instruction on Real Practical Leverage in Advantage Given and Received ....... A Mutually Satisfying Program which has all the advantages and disadvantages of being hooked and captured by the simplest of sweet temptations if you be so gifted and lucky :-)
Man and Woman as One in Mutually Satisfying Spontaneous Orgasms has both Travelling Stellar Class to Other Space Places that Seed a Need and Feed that has to be Seen and Experienced to be Believed.
After Perfect Journeys is Nothing ever as IT was before ..... and the Future Beckons with Delights Beyond Compare to Savour and Nurture, or whenever used and misused and abused for the Generation of Money for Deficit and Debt, would Propagate and Plunder be more APT.
cc DARPA/Google Federal
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Sunday 25th March 2018 19:38 GMT amanfromMars 1
Re: Peaceful Space Offering via Registered Channels on FreedD Air Ways
Proof Positive Evidence of the Veracity of the above Trail/Tale/Trial admiitted to here?
Are your Acting Leaders Great Readers and Plugged into Remotely Presented Controls for Virtualised Command ..... or are they to be Dumb Waiters and Ignorant Blind Spectators to New COSMIC Alienating Events, ..... Courtesy of Top Secret/SCI Services .... and Strictly Need to Know for Greater IntelAIgent Gamers' Use. Not a Journey or Destination for the Faint-Hearted nor the Lily-Livered but Well Worth the Host of Rewards Earned with Every Satisfying Visit.
Or are they being kept in the Dark and Totally Unaware of the Boundless Opportunities Now Available to Freely Share and Give Away to Powerful Energetic AIDrivers...... and All in Plain Sight and Easy Hailing Distance of Capital Venturing Markets ....... where Deep State Players Push the Cushy Buttons and Pull the Mass Levers for Support of All Manner of Shenanigans.
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Friday 23rd March 2018 21:46 GMT Anonymous Coward
There is always that occasion where I have to turn into a techie Twat because the customer expects to hear said p'plainin (Peter Principle) and doesn't accept that you know what you are talking about if you try to put it into plain English - I make sure they sign on the dotted line before damaged brake line in their car places them in harm's way.
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Saturday 7th April 2018 06:34 GMT perlcat
help!
You'd need an advanced degree in bullshitology to dejargonificate the obfusticationization of mundaneological nomenclature declamated here. The amount of craptological terminoligification is rarely exceeded outside of airport books that functionally illiterate execs pick up and inflict upon their direct report casualties.