'Mummy, what's felching?' Tot gets smut served by Android app

Researchers have found a batch of over 60 malware-carrying apps in Google's Play Store designed to rob mobile users or show them pornography, all with a kid-friendly theme. The malware, dubbed AdultSwine by security shop Check Point, was found in apps like "Drawing Lessons Lego Star Wars", "Fidget spinner for Minecraft" and " …

[Anonymous Coward]

And still...

People put their entire private lives on these 'smartphones'...

Banks offer people money to install and use their 'app' on their phones...

Any idiot trusting a portable computer that's constantly connected to the internet, is easlily hackable and has no antivirus or firewall protection deserves everything they get...

[BillG]

Re: And still...

That's why my Android is rooted and has a firewall. For the past three years I rarely, if ever, install a new app. My only approved game is chess.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And still...

you've clearly learned about the foibles of computers if your fallback position is "how about a nice game of chess?"

[Teiwaz]

Re: And still... old movie reference?

"how about a nice game of chess?"

It's tic-tac-toe that's the really safe bet.

Worry, if Global Thermonuclear War suddenly appears as a game option.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And still...

So basically you use your smartphone like a flip phone with a bigger screen that plays chess? Hardly worth having a smartphone at that point...

A lot of the worst Android exploits in the last year or two were related to receiving MMS messages and browsing. If you do either (and you really can't control receipt of MMS messages unless maybe you can disable it) then you aren't as safe as you think you are, just safer than people running stock Android phones.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And still...

Android security is utterly shite and always has been. Not to mention that like most other slurp products it's spyware by design.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And still...

Android security is actually very good, there are plenty of points here not mentioned.

Everything is totally contained, uninstall the offending app, you uninstall its effects. Its not like windows where it's modified your phone and left it's payload.

Playprotect will tell you have have this pretty quickly

By default having a locked down store vastly reduces these sort of problems (but not in this case)

Lastly, an most noteworthy, What on earth is a 4yr old doing owning an android phone and allowed online to do as they wish????

[Anonymous South African Coward]

Re: And still...

Everything is totally contained, uninstall the offending app, you uninstall its effects. Its not like windows where it's modified your phone and left it's payload.

Can Sir tell me what happens in the case of an offending app rooting your phone? How do you get rid of that without a factory reset?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And still...

"Everything is totally contained, uninstall the offending app, you uninstall its effects. Its not like windows where it's modified your phone and left it's payload."

Not true at all. Windows Mobile removes all traces of applications when uninstalled. Unlike Android where malware can root your phone via numerous methods and install persistent crap that you can't uninstall without a firmware wipe.

Windows Mobile has a proper secure signing and vetting model that actually works. Hence why there has been zero Windows Mobile malware across many OS versions. And why numerous security companies and experts have publically stated that it's significantly more secure than Android.

[Prst. V.Jeltz]

Re: And still...

"Hence why there has been zero Windows Mobile malware across many OS versions"

I thought that was it wasnt worth writing malware for their tiny market share , which has been tending to zero since shortly after they came out.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And still...

"I thought that was it wasnt worth writing malware for their tiny market share"

Microsoft had over 50% of the smartphone market at one point. That was quite a while ago though. Anyway they have now had many millions of mobile OS installs and users, and still zero malware.

[Anonymous Coward]

Felching is when a man loves another man very much and they are in a relationship one of the men...

[Anonymous Coward]

Thankfully

There is always Apple to fall back on..... mwuahahahaha

(let the down votes commence)

[Paul Woodhouse]

Deja-Vu?

[Anonymous Coward]

I had that once.

[Ivan Headache]

I think I had had it a seconf time.

[Danny 14]

i remember seeing your comment before.

[The Dogs Meevonks]

At least it's better than Vuja-De... the feeling that you're about to experience something you have before.

But i think that these malware slingers were hoping that Scooby-Vu wasn't a factor either... Because that's the feeling that you'd get away with something if not for those pesky kids.

[Ivan Headache]

How come I type something, read it, post it.

And it charges into gobblegook?

[John Brown (no body)]

"How come I type something, read it, post it.

And it charges into gobblegook?"

See icon :-)

[veti]

When a well composed post gets converted to toast, that's covfefe.

[Teiwaz]

At least it's better than Vuja-De... the feeling that you're about to experience something you have before.

I can recommend a good Dairy Psychiatrist.

Free pot of yogurt with preliminary consultation...

[alain williams]

I learned a new word today

one that I doubt that my mummy knows.

Is this the start of a 'new word of the day' initiative by El Reg ?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I learned a new word today

Felching should be the word for what happens when some malware uses speculative execution to fetch stuff it isn't supposed to be able to access. (From fell as in bad, plus fetching.)

[Uncle Slacky]

Re: I learned a new word today

I recall the "The Day Today" came up with the term "newsfelch" (probably appropriate for Fox "News" these days).

[James O'Shea]

Re: I learned a new word today...

"...and I really wish I hadn't.

On the bright side, not having an appetite ever again should cut down on grocery bills."

Heh. On a related note, perhaps you shouldn't look up 'santorium'.

[horse of a different color]

Re: I learned a new word today...

Or look up Hoboken Squat Cobbler...

[Charlie Clark]

Re: I learned a new word today

Your real name is Dirty Sanchez and I claim my £5!

[Anonymous South African Coward]

Re: I learned a new word today

Bah, I learnt it yonkers ago on darwinawards.com - and will not post the details of that here on this family-friendly forum, because of special snowflakes. :)

Beer, because we all need it.

[The Dogs Meevonks]

Re: I learned a new word today

It's probably worth noting that the US and UK explanations of what 'Felching' is... are not always the same.

[Mahhn]

Google should be sued

Google needs to be hit with a class action lawsuit for NOT notifying people that they have downloaded malware - at least once it has been removed for their store.

Google requires a valid Email address to get files from them, they make a profit from traffic on the site.

Google playstore serves more malware than any other site on the internet, yet refuses to be responsible to their customers for the content they provide.

It's time to hit them the only place they care about - their wallet.

[Rob D.]

Re: Google should be sued

I'm not an Android user but I interpreted this as meaning users who have downloaded are warned:

"We’ve removed the apps from Play, disabled the developers' accounts, and will continue to show strong warnings to anyone that has installed them," a Google spokesperson told The Register.

[Mahhn]

Re: Google should be sued

I have yet to hear of anyone receiving a notice from google that an app they downloaded from them was malicious, None. I have followed this situation for 4 years now.

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Google should be sued

Google needs to be hit with a class action lawsuit

You're obviously such a hotshot lawyer, why don't you give it a go?

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Google should be sued

"Google requires a valid Email address to get files from them, they make a profit from traffic on the site"

Spot on! Considering the data slurping that Google do, it would take a lot to convince me that they don't know exactly who downloads every app from their app store.

At worst, they should be putting in a "fake" app in it's place marked as being an update to all previously installed versions which can then warn the user if not actually remove it from the users device.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Google should be sued

Come on, get with the programme, they already do this..

Yet again, more uneducated bullcrap from bedroom experts that shouldn't be working in tech (and likely don't, they just visit here during McDonald's lunch breaks).

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Google should be sued

"Google needs to be hit with a class action lawsuit for NOT notifying people that they have downloaded malware”

Ermm, sorry to point out your cretinous post, but they already do....

https://www.androidauthority.com/google-play-protect-rolling-out-788614/

[deanb01]

True Story

Back in the day, a new guy was being introduced around the company I worked for. All was going well, until he arrived in the developers room. He was introduced by the boss, and one of my colleagues started laughing so hard he nearly choked on his coffee. He only told us why after the guy had left the room.

The new guy's name was Phil Ching.

[Uncle Slacky]

Re: True Story

At least he wasn't called Peter File...

[0laf]

Googe gif search nastiness

Other unpleasant weirdness..

Just yesterday following a conversation with my significant other about coffee I put the word "cortado" into the Google GBoard gif search on my iPhone.

I was expecting gifs relating to a short milky coffee.

Instead I got fairly graphic gifs of people cutting their arms/wrists/legs and other forms of self harming.

After 30min of searching I found some sort of feedback to report this behaviour.

Checking now it's still doing it (not that I thought Google would do anything after my message). The only idea I came up with is that "cortado" means 'cut' in Portuguese.

But why a UK English phone brings up wrist slitting instead of coffee I don't know.

A normal google image search doesn't show anything like this.

I'd be interested if anyone else sees behaviour on GBoard this or if it's just my phone that is fucked up.

[Danny 14]

Re: Googe gif search nastiness

i think you need to clean your cookies somewhat as that isnt what appears in my browser.

[heyrick]

Re: Googe gif search nastiness

Are you sure you spelled it right when those weird images turned up?

Google informs me "A cortado is a Spanish-origin general term for a beverage consisting of either coffee or espresso mixed with a roughly equal amount of warm milk to reduce the acidity." and the pictures are exactly what you'd expect, loads of cups glasses of coffee.

BTW... I'm no connoisseur (I'm a Tetley man), but isn't that the same thing as a lattè?

[VinceH]

Re: Googe gif search nastiness

Meanwhile, if you throw the word into Google Translate and it tells you that in Spanish it means "chopped up" and in Portuguese it means "cut".

[tiggity]

Re: Googe gif search nastiness

Who knows.

There seems to be more and more esoteric names every time I venture into a coffee place.

I'm not a regular enough visitor to such places (as my wallet could not cope!) - only tends to be when on long journey and having a break before next section of drive, so long since gave up trying to keep up with name trends

I just ask for either an espresso or a strong black coffee, depending on my caffeine needs / how long a break I intend to have (espresso if quick stop, "normal" coffee otherwise - as drink coffee at the stop, not when behind the wheel)

[Montreal Sean]

Re: Googe gif search nastiness

My Android brings up a bunch of what I assume are espresso based drinks, and about 10 gifs in starts randomly placing cutting gifs into the results.

[Lysenko]

It's just as well children don't remember the birth process...

I mean, there's some pretty gruesome and explicit stuff going on there in glorious, technicolour close up. Given the catastrophic effects of such images on young minds (allegedly), any child with a prematurely active visual and memory system would probably never recover!

[Teiwaz]

Re: It's just as well children don't remember the birth process...

I mean, there's some pretty gruesome and explicit stuff going on there in glorious, technicolour close up.

When I was a kid, I suspected there was a room in the hospitals with eyeballs sitting in egg carton like containers awaiting construction into people (no idea where this notion, and why it was only eyeballs)

If anybody has any idea, please let me know and I'll share the claim 50/50, clearly I got this horrific idea from something I was exposed to, and compensation is owing.

I can't have possibly pulled this from an already deranged imagination at age 7 or 8 (innocence is fluffy and harmless after all).

/cynic (in case anyone didn't spot it)

[stu 4]

santa

Google - 'do only evil.'

At xmas I noticed this behaviour with google (on google chrome on android, but I imagine it would be the same across the all google.co.uk at least (note this was on my sisters tablet - I use startpage an no auto suggest shite)

- thanks to auto complete - type into search:

- 'is'

- google auto suggest 'is santa real'

so - this is the number one mostly likely question - so likely just two letters pop it up as the default question...I mean there's one reason for this - millions of kids are asking google if santa is real.....

ok I though - maybe this is a google easter egg - asking it takes us to the northpole or summit...

nope - same shite google search result page as always (i.e. 80% adverts and paid promotions) but the first non paid result is an article saying 'no of course santa isn't real'

nice. top work guys.

I would imagine this xmas, google managed to kill of belief in santa in millions of kids in the UK, if not the world...old enough to type 'is' into a browser - your childhood is over.

twats.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: santa

So you type in "is", Google suggests "is santa real" as a commonly requested search, you click on that - and then you're surprised and outraged that those evil bastards at Google provide you with an accurate answer? Jeez, what is the matter with people...

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: santa

"So you type in "is", Google suggests "is santa real" as a commonly requested search, you click on that - and then you're surprised and outraged that those evil bastards at Google provide you with an accurate answer? Jeez, what is the matter with people..."

Yeah, on the bright side, at least Google weren't taking people to Islamic State (IS) websites.

[Loud Speaker]

Re: santa

I think you fail to realise that Google search results are "personalised" based on browsing history. (Same applies to the original complainant).

However, I fail to see why Google stops at throwing the developer off. Surely they should be reported to the police for exposing the youth of today to reality

[VinceH]

Re: santa

"I think you fail to realise that Google search results are "personalised" based on browsing history. (Same applies to the original complainant)."

So what does it do for someone who doesn't, by default (or directly), use Google for search? I use Startpage. If I happen to log-in to a Google service, I tend to log-out when I've finished, and cookies are wiped at the end of my browsing session - and I don't keep the browser open longer than I'm using it.

So let's go to Google now, and see what it suggests for me. These are the ten suggestions, in order:

is my car taxed

is santa real

is water wet

is my car insured

is my car mot

is it down

is 1 a prime number

is it going to snow

is the earth flat

is the iphone 7 waterproof

If there's no browsing or search history to draw on, it must be using some other algorithm to make suggestions - and popular search terms certainly seems a likely possibility.

[Teiwaz]

Re: santa

surprised and outraged that those evil bastards at Google provide you with an accurate answer

Same question put on TV at christmas by the BBC would almost certainly pander to the magic and mystery in a good family friendly manner, if raise more than a few suspicions by the obvious condescending manner the announcer/reader puts on, which will add to the suspicions of thousands of children because they are not stupid, just lacking in life experience.

[mattje]

Re: santa

Let's hope they do the same to the question: "Is God real?"

[Paul Hovnanian]

Re: santa

In DuckDuckGo, entering 'is' auto suggests (among a few other selections) 'is Trump nuts?'

So, thanks a lot guys. You've just destroyed the fantasies of millions of right-wingers on this side of the pond.

Won't someone please think of the conservatives.

[heyrick]

Re: santa

I got "is water wet" as my suggestion.

Thanks Google. I've just lost faith in humanity...

[Coen Dijkgraaf]

Re: santa

Typing is into Google search got me the following

- is artichoke a fruit or a vegetable

- is your portrait in museum (Apparently a Facebook thing to do with finding out if you portrait of a doppelganger hanging up in a museum).

- is santa real

- is water wet

[tiggity]

Re: santa

You get worried when it comes up with "is it too late to take out life insurance"

[elbisivni]

Re: santa

Want to lose it completely? Have a browse of answer.yahoo.com.

Whenever I'm feeling optimistic about our future as a species going there fixes it completely.

[DavCrav]

Re: santa

"I would imagine this xmas, google managed to kill of belief in santa in millions of kids in the UK, if not the world...old enough to type 'is' into a browser - your childhood is over."

If you are old enough to search Google unsupervised you shouldn't be believing in Father Christmas, and if you are doing that, there's a lot worse things you could be finding out about other than the fact that your parents buy you presents. I knew that he didn't exist at about the age of 4, because I worked out that he couldn't possibly visit every house with children in it in one night. Guess what: my childhood continued.

[Mark 85]

Re: santa

I would imagine this xmas, google managed to kill of belief in santa in millions of kids in the UK, if not the world...old enough to type 'is' into a browser - your childhood is over.

I'm surprised it didn't pop up Amazon as an answer.... Or Toys-R-Us.

[michael cadoux]

Wish I didn't

I looked up "felching" recently, then wished I hadn't - enough to put you off your food, let alone off sex. It was much the same when, as an innocent 37-year-old, somebody explained "fisting" to me. Nowt as queer as fowk.

[Mark 85]

Re: Wish I didn't

I'm just glad I'm working from home today on my own PC. I shudder to think if I had looked up felching from work.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Wish I didn't

Well they did find the genetic fault that causes such behaviour recently so a cure might be possible.

[James O'Shea]

Re: Wish I didn't

You might want to verify the context before using terms like 'DP' and 'ATM'. And, especially, 'DPP' and 'DAP'. Think carefully before looking those up...

[EveryTime]

I expect that most of your parents know that word.

Ahhh, sorry. They don't know that word, and they never had sex. Forget my first statement. Go have a drink.

Reverend Felcher was a recurring character on 'All in the Family' in the 1970s. The name wasn't an accident, but slipped in by the writers to get jokes by the network censors (who also may not have been naive as they played). Archie (a older conservative character) always spoke his name as Fletcher, even after being corrected, so even the character wasn't played as being naive.

[Khaptain]

"I expect that most of your parents know that word."

I would hazard a guess that outside of a certain community not many people would have reason to know what felching means...

It's not really for the faint of heart. Although it could be for the heart of the fion. (You would have to look up a French slang dictionary to understand the last phrase..

[Charlie Clark]

Along with things like "who's next for the barrel" on The Goon Show.

[Anonymous Coward]

Ahh, the old "Fake Virus Warning" trick...

"It can throw up a fake virus warning screen and get the user to download cleaning software that would more effectively pwn the phone"

The only mistake this 'developer" made was not sharing the money with Google.

Several sketchy cleaning/antivirus apps still trick users into installing with fake virus warnings but are given a pass by Google.

(I'm looking at you: DFNDR, DU Cleaner, 360 Security)

[handleoclast]

Parents should not give their children smartphones

It's that simple. The internet is not a toy for children.

If the little fuckers insist on having a smartphone then they can work down t'pit until they can afford to buy it themselves.

[Prst. V.Jeltz]

toddler on plane: "Mummy, why are there no baby planes?"

bored mum: "go and ask the stewardess"

toddler on plane: "Miss, why are there no baby planes?"

busy stewardess: "Did your mum tell you to come over here and ask me? Well, Its because planes on this airline always pull out at the appointed time, your mum can explain that to you"

[Zangetsu]

what is felching ?

the story did not explain it.

[James O'Shea]

It’s something that Mike Pence does to Donald Trump after the Donald has had some alone time with Vladimir Putin.