Meet the woman with a supernatural affinity for stiff lovers

It takes all sorts to make a world and some on the fringes of life often turn up on daytime TV. And so El Reg was fascinated by the story of Amethyst Realm, who dumped a human in the, er, physical realm to become a ghostbuster banger. Realm, a 27-year-old spiritual guidance consultant, told her tale of the lucky stiffs to …

[Paul 75]

Nick Cave's Dead Man in my Bed, or perhaps even Stone Temple Pilot's Dead and Bloated :-)

There must be so many songs for this!

[Korev]

Or anything by Stiff Little Fingers

[Anonymous Coward]

Interesting take on mast***ation

Most original take on self-pleasuring. Almost as lonely as using mechanical toys. In fact lonelier.

[TitterYeNot]

Re: Interesting take on mast***ation

Yes, if said apparition is of the stereotypical moaning ghost wrapped in chains variety, this is known as 'clanking'...

[Len Goddard]

Re: Interesting take on mast***ation

Clanking chains - you mean we can have spectral bondage as well!!

[Anonymous Coward]

Of all the things that are happening in the world at the moment, this is what the ITV's premier daytime show thinks is important.

What a waste of air.

[Richard 81]

Daytime TV is always fluff like this though. It least this is less harmful to one's health than watching Jeremy Kyle.

[Ken Hagan]

Re: a waste of air

Not at all. One of the reasons that the other things are happening is that so many of our species can self-delude to this extent. Treat daytime TV as a documentary review of humanity and you'll be better prepared for the idiots when you meet them in real life.

[fajensen]

I’d say this was the Best news item of the entire week.

[EddieD]

A wide choice

Obviously Spirituals would be first choice, and most Boy/Girl bands would be okay too as it's mainly ghostwritten. Sling in "Bela Lugosi's Dead", some White Zombie, and any Death Metal.

Quite a lot of choice.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A wide choice

+1 Bela Lugosi's Dead

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Re: A wide choice

Any track from The Beatles "Rubber Soul" album

[FreddDagg01]

Re: A wide choice

So why not *Joan Crawford (Has Risen From The Grave)"?

It rocks out, and always makes me giggle at the same time.

[TRT]

Re: A wide choice

A cover of that one from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes... How did it go now? Something about gem stones? Ah yes, Amethyst's a ghoul's best friend.

[wayward4now]

Re: A wide choice

So why not *Joan Crawford (Has Risen From The Grave)"?

She might take a clothes hanger to your naughty ass, instead of a good time!

[Andrew 6]

Re: A wide choice

How about Powerwolf - "Resurrection by erection"? Quite an entertaining track

[frank ly]

You Take My Self Control

I, I love among the creatures of the night .......etc.

[smudge]

Things That Go Hump In The Night

Allstars, 2001, apparently - and in the first Scooby-Doo movie.

OK, I'll admit I changed one letter...

[Andytug]

"Invisible Man" - Queen

"Something Inside So Strong" - Labie Siffre

"Ghost Love Score" - Nightwish

"Give Up The Ghost" - Radiohead

"Sleeping With Ghosts" - Placebo

etc....etc

[CrazyOldCatMan]

Genesis - Dancing with the moonlit knight

Genesis - Unquiet slumbers for the sleepers

Iluvatar - The final stroke

IQ - The other side

Japan - Ghosts

Kaipa - Screwed-upness

Marillion - Out of this world

Pink Floyd - The great gig in the sky

Pink Floyd - In the flesh?

The Specials - Ghost Town

Steve Hackett - Spectral mornings

Steve Hackett - In another life

Steve Hackett - The ballad of the decomposing

(Steve's always good for an odd song-title. His music was described by my wife as "lots of notes in the wrong places"..)

Steve Hackett - Love song for a vampire

Unitopia - Suffocation

Unitopia - Not human any more

(Observant readers may notice a slight prog tinge to my choices..)

[Anonymous Coward]

Telekinetic-dildonics

I wait for Ken Munro to test it for vulnerabilities

[Mark 85]

I'm waiting for some sort of licensing being required by some VC backed company. I guess the lawyers haven't become involved yet if for no other reason than them being blood-sucking undead.

[Semtex451]

So was she..

to die for?

[hopkinse]

WTF???

Is The Register now a sister publication to the Daily Star?

[Richard 81]

Re: WTF???

Is this your first time here? I guess you've not seen the Bootnotes sections before.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: WTF???

You won't find devops in the star or tits in devops.

[WolfFan]

Re: WTF???

You won't find devops in the star or tits in devops.

Trust me, there are lots of tits in devops.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: WTF???

"Is The Register now a sister publication to the Daily Star?"

It's taken you nearly 6 years to find the Bootnotes section?

[hplasm]

First excuse...

What's this goo on the bed!?!

Er, ectoplasm...

[Sam Therapy]

Alice Cooper - Cold Ethyl.

[Bucky 2]

How do I join?

What kind of drugs do I have to take so that I, too, can participate in ghost sex? For example, in "Sausage Party," you could see into the 4th dimension by doing bath salts.

[DropBear]

Re: How do I join?

Any, as long as it's an overdose. So I'm not quite sure it's worth it...

[Anonymous Coward]

Clearly on the spirits.

Spirit in the sky (song recommendation)

[smudge]

If she got knocked up, then it really would be a phantom pregnancy.

[m0rt]

I genuinely laughed out loud.

[Anonymous Coward]

...

Sneaky Bat Machine's "Boneshaker" comes to mind...

[Anonymous Coward]

Who you gonna call ?

Ghostboinkers !

[Mark 85]

Re: Who you gonna call ?

You best hurry up and register that title. I suspect there's a movie in this.

[ukgnome]

The only issue I have with ghosts - Well I say only.

Why are ghosts usually "seen" wearing clothing? It's not like your clothes die when you do.

[Semtex451]

It's true, my clothes died years ago but I'm still wearing them.

[Morten_T]

>>It's true, my clothes died years ago but I'm still wearing them.

My clothes aren't dead - they just smell that way :D

[Anonymous Coward]

So you're a naked ghost kinda guy? A free spirit.

[Anonymous Coward]

Stop it!

You're giving me the willies!

[Proud Father]

Unchained Melody

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_(1990_film)

[Anonymous Coward]

There is an Australian song which I'm not going to repeat here. His name was Jack.

[Phil O'Sophical]

So would this be

Fiends with benefits?

[Ugotta B. Kiddingme]

A Little Piece of Heaven

by Avenged Sevenfold

(linkage)

[Anonymous Coward]

Kubla Khan

Not a song but the reference is obvious.

"A savage place, as lonely and enchanted/as e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted/by woman wailing for her demon lover."

(AIUI, Catholic doctrine says that all dead people are either in heaven, hell or purgatory. So there are no ghosts. Anything that appears to be a ghost, therefore, must be a demon. In this case, an incubus.

She's lucky really. In the 17th century the equivalent of the Jeremy Kyle show was a quick trial in front of a witchfinder followed by burning at the stake. Nowadays, that's reserved for Celebrity Big Brother.)

[Hollerithevo]

Re: Kubla Khan

Or Succubus. Come back. Lost Girl (TV series)!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Kubla Khan - Or Succubus. Come back. Lost Girl (TV series)!

Are you suggesting that not only is she claiming to have sex with ghosts, she's claiming to have sex with lesbian ghosts?

My mind is boggling even more.

[MichaelBirks]

Re: Kubla Khan - Or Succubus. Come back. Lost Girl (TV series)!

Please. "Lesbian" is so constricting. Bo, the Unaligned Succubus, swung as many ways as Captain Jack Harkness.

[Jason Bloomberg]

Ah, souls!

^ The oldies are the goldies.

[Jonathan 27]

I really don't know why people put this sort of stuff on TV instead of getting her the mental help she so clearly needs. People are so cruel.

[Ken Hagan]

It's because you can't just walk up to someone and "give them the help they need". You need their consent.

[Anonymous Coward]

I have been dressing in tomato sauce soaked rags, dragging a ball and chain round her house, for nigh on twelve years. Take my word -- she's getting all the help she needs.

[fajensen]

She is not suffering and she is not harming anyone.

“Help” would make her suffer and take something from her that she enjoys. For no reason other that imposing conformity.

Hardly an ethical thing to do, I think

[Anonymous Coward]

She's going to feel a bit of a fool

when one day someone points out that "It is more about the pressure, you feel a weight, a heaviness” is just sleep paralysis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis

[Graham Lockley]

Music ?

Only one song that fits

Alice Cooper - I Love The Dead

[herman]

Hell's Bells, Highway to Hell, Bat out of Hell...

She sounds batty all right.

[hplasm]

"She sounds batty all right."

Nah, she's just a Creepy fucker.

[dmacleo]

heh...she thought it was a spirit. I got some good disguises and.....got some :)

[earl grey]

"Over to you all."

Erm, i read that as "all over you". No thanks.

[Anonymous Coward]

Been There Done That

Ah, the pleasures of erotic night spirits! Unfortunately my affairs with them only lasted a short while, sometime between the ages of 10 and 13.

[Cynic_999]

A young lady from Pembroke Dock

Was in love with the spirit of God

But it wasn't the Almighty

Who lifted her nighty

'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod!

[Packet]

To use an urban colloqualism, "bitch be cray"

[Sawari Ma]

Who's Bad

It's All Sh*ts And Giggles Until Someone Sees Michael Jackson Haunting A Child Care Center...

[Anonymous Coward]

"close encounter"

This is the right category.

I suspect Jacques Vallée would have something to say about this.

In the Age of Confusion and "Hypernormalization" where we find, among others: Fake News, Trump Tweets, Hillary Reality Constructions, Tortured Oligarchs in Freedom-Loving Saudi Arabia, cheap Russian Threats sheeple management, aggressive BLM moaning for more gimmedats, May Flower Brexit with a side dish of frank fascism à la Amber Rudd, Bitcoin Bubbles and now finally the arrival of Jerusalem in the mythical birthplace of $ETHNICITY, the old-fashioned encounters with "aliens", -- which I hope we may agree have been entirely on the spiritual plane because real aliens are nowhere to be found nor likely to be found -- might well morph into "close encounters of the fourth kind" entirely, i.e. interaction with GHOSTS!

[Mike Moyle]

"The Ghost Inside" - Broken Bells

"Ghost Man On Third" - Taking Back Sunday

"The Ghost in You" - The Psychedelic Furs

"Push The Ghosts" - The Twang

"Ghost Rider" - Rush

"The Ghost of Love" - Simply Red

[HunterofSnarks]

Clearly anything by the Grateful Dead -- she seems to think they are grateful, anyway.

[Anonymous Coward]

Roses

Too macabre?

[Pompous Git]

I'm just...

... dying to shag her!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I'm just...

Medium I'd Like to...

[Pompous Git]

Dead Meat

Alberto Y Lost Trios Paranoias

Dead Meat

[TRT]

So if she enjoys a bit of...

DP A/V, would she be having fun between the sheets?

[Anonymous Coward]

What really happened...

A man in a pub asked her if she'd like to see his ghoulies, she said yes, he whipped them out, and she had to fill herself with spirits to unsee what she'd just seen. We've all been there...

[hnwombat]

The song answer is obvious: "Dead Man's Party".

Many of the other suggestions are also, great, I have to admit. :-)

[Sceptic Tank]

Haven't had that spirit here since 1969

Welcome to the Hotel California

[jim parker]

Concrete blonde - Ghost of a Texas Ladies Man

[Anonymous Coward]

Waste of good TV air-time.

Hmm. A necromancer perchance?