A todger, a 2.5kg dumbbell, the fire brigade... and the inevitable angle grinder

A German chap is in recovery mode after firefighters battled tirelessly for three hours to free his member from a dumbbell weight. The unnamed gent based in Worms, a city nestled in the Rhineland-Palatinate, mid-west Germany, got his spawnhammer stuck in the 2.5kg metal disk on Friday and was transported, ever so gently, to …

[Semtex451]

Well he did bench 5kg

[Semtex451]

Correction - clue in headline

Oh 2.5Kg is that all?

I got excited on account of the photo

I'm famous for going off half cocked.

[VinceH]

Re: Correction - clue in headline

"I'm famous for going off half cocked."

And that's how the guy in question almost ended up.

[Anonymous Coward]

Bench test

I feel more likely he wasn't able to bench 5kg, which led to his heavy metal mishap.

[Mattjimf]

And the female equivalent

http://www.deccanchronicle.com/lifestyle/sex-and-relationship/180917/couple-rushed-to-hospital-with-mans-head-stuck-in-his-wifes-vagina.html

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: And the female equivalent

That dude only got half his head stuck. This gent went 'whole body,' and he didn't mess around with little iron donuts. High gravity minerals were employed!

[Anonymous Coward]

He should have stuck to cock push ups.

[Kane]

"He should have stuck to cock push ups."

Well, one is all you need!

[Richard Gray 1]

What a dumbbell end...

Thank you I'm here all week

[TRT]

If he was visiting the A&E department...

did he have to suffer a long weight?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: If he was visiting the A&E department...

Well they did give him a hard time as it took three hours to get it off.

[AndrueC]

Re: If he was visiting the A&E department...

as it took three hours to get it off.

So, he's got a lot of stamina then?

[Jimboom]

Simply a misunderstanding

You see someone told him that he should go pump some iron.

And he even thought it was working in the beginning.. after all he was promised rock hard muscles.

[TRT]

Re: Simply a misunderstanding

Maybe he was just going back to his roots as a Caramoja tribesman?

[Mark 85]

Re: Simply a misunderstanding

I need a new keyboard now. You win the Internet for that.

[Anonymous Coward]

a “vibrating” saw

I thought those were reserved for the (pardon me), members of the opposite gender?!

p.s. a link to a youtube video, or it didn't happen!

[cray74]

Re: a “vibrating” saw

p.s. a link to a youtube video, or it didn't happen!

Unfortunately, in 2009 one enterprising woman did attempt the use of a vibrating saw. Her mistake (work safe news article) was fitting the prosthetic, plastic male component over the existing saw blade rather than using a safer mount. A hospital visit by way of helicopter airlift followed.

[TRT]

Re: a “vibrating” saw

I feel sick.

[H in The Hague]

Re: a “vibrating” saw

Probably one of these:

https://fein.com/en_uk/oscillating-multi-tool/multimaster/fein-multimaster-fmm-350-qsl-edition-2017-0372811/

Very useful for awkward jobs and safe to use close to the human body as the blades don't grab (I think they're also used for removing plaster casts). Still, I prefer to keep mine away from my body parts. (So far I've only worried about my fingers, but now ....)

Though it looks like they broke the cast iron (relatively brittle) weight rather than cutting all the way through it.

[cray74]

Re: a “vibrating” saw

Though it looks like they broke the cast iron (relatively brittle) weight rather than cutting all the way through it.

I brought this up with the metallurgical lab at work and its fracture mechanics team during lunch, since we'd pretty much run through all our Irma stories last week. (Some more squeamish lunch participants favored a return to weather stories when I raised this topic and said, "I've got pictures!") Anyway...

Brittle cast iron does have fairly straight fracture surfaces, but not as straight as depicted in the article's photo. The only place I'd suspect of a fracture is the cut through the "2" in "2.5", there seems to be a chip at the rim of the weight there.

The other surfaces are too linear for fractures - there'd be some deflection and pebbling in the surfaces. It looks like the two smallest chunks (left side of the photo) and the chunk on the lower right were removed as circular chords to make way for shorter, direct cuts to the center. That simplified and minimized the sawing heading radially inward toward the delicate meat bits ("spawnhammer?") trapped there.

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: a “vibrating” saw

Seriously, you should write a paper on this, this is actually quite interesting. I'm not quite sure where to publish it, though.

[Swarthy]

Re: a “vibrating” saw

I'm not quite sure where to publish it, though.

In Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, of course.

[chivo243]

C'mon just think

of that lovely ex-wife... who needs a visit to the hospital? However, I wonder if guys who end up in this kind of predickament can get a woman?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: C'mon just think

I'm going with "yes." After all, he's the man that "breaks iron plates."

[Elmer Phud]

Re: C'mon just think

Nah, 'The man who shags metal rings' just doesn't add that air of mystery.

[defiler]

Ummm - I fell...

Seriously, I think it should be part of the CE regs that all holes must be clearly too small to stuff a penis into, or too big to get one stuck.

Either that or there should be legislation that said appendages are forfeit to the Gods of Misadventure.

[Tigra 07]

Re: Ummm - I fell...

"Too small" would be too small to get a bar through capable of holding the weight. Some people are cursed with devilishly tiny todgers.

Likewise "too big" would be wider holes than now.

The only solution is for some men to raise their standards and stop fucking fucking gym equipment.

[TRT]

Re: Ummm - I fell...

Like that time on the pornch killer.

[chivo243]

Re: Ummm - I fell...

@Tigra 07

Or bicycles...

https://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/15/bike_bloke_sentenced/

https://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/10/26/bike_incident/

[handleoclast]

Re: Ummm - I fell...

Such regulations would mean that testing would need to be carried out.

Tests for holes in the cases of electrical equipment, to ensure that somebody can't touch live parts, require the use of a British Standard Finger (yes, there really is such a thing).

Your proposal would require the creation of a British Standard Penis (by this I don't mean Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson or Tony Blair). Which might be a very useful test item because it would have prevented the famous Hoover Dustette Penile Mutilations (it's warm, it vibrates, it sucks, it aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggggh).

[razorfishsl]

Re: Ummm - I fell...

There IS a BSI Penis.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Ummm - I fell...

Adding hole size to the CE regulations would be too complicated. Instead, all products with a hole between 2 and 6 cm should be required to have a safety warning, "Do Not Insert Penis", in permanent contrasting 36 point type surrounding the hole.

[Richard Scratcher]

Angle grinder?

Surely just a quick clean and jerk would do the trick.

[TRT]

Re: Angle grinder?

If he'd have gone straight to the snatch instead, he'd not have found himself in this situation.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Angle grinder?

I bet he was doing squats at the time, too...

[Anonymous Coward]

You missed the back story...

..he decided that clothes were to restrictive, so he decided to do it naked.

However he slipped and his member accidentally went inside, at the same time the bar accidentally entered his rear orifice.

Whilst repeatedly trying to remove the bar with multiple forward and backward motions, he failed to notice it was causing issues with the blood supply to his penis, causing an unexpected swelling.

It was at this point he tried thrusting backwards and forwards multiple times, but it just got more stuck. Even self lubricating failed to help, in fact it seemed to become more sticking as the lubrication dried.

Honest Dr.!

[Tim Jenkins]

Re: You missed the back story...

I'm so naive.

I genuinely thought that this might have been a tragic accident, where the gentlemans gentleman had somehow become trapped between the flats of two weights, perhaps while stacking them with sweaty, post-workout hands.

Then I began to wonder why all that rescue equipment was required, and why it was necessary to shatter the disk to 'extract' him.

And then I read the above...

[FuzzyWuzzys]

Re: You missed the back story...

"I genuinely thought that this might have been a tragic accident, where the gentlemans gentleman had somehow become trapped between the flats of two weights, perhaps while stacking them with sweaty, post-workout hands."

I've actually done that but with my index finger, it was the most intense pain I've ever felt. 2 x 25Kg weights slamming together and my finger tip in between. I've never seen so much blood come of me from small place! It cost me finger nail too which to this day, 25 years later, still never grew back properly.

[wolfetone]

2.5Kg?

Imagine what he'd have managed with viagra?

[Tigra 07]

Re: 2.5Kg?

Amputation?

[Anonymous Coward]

When will people learn, if you use your pubes as whiskers you'll never get stuck.

[Semtex451]

Words to live by - right there.

[Anonymous Coward]

How hairy are you Dude? Unlike at Cat - my "whiskers" are at the back.

[richardcox13]

Disappointed

No Diet puns.

Doesn't anyone know their history?

Diet of Worms.

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: Disappointed

Hier stehe ich, ich kann nicht anders?

[Anonymous Coward]

To be fair his personal trainer did tell him to "pump some iron"

[Vizesnyolcas]

deja vu

In an incident in Budapest some four decades ago a diamond tipped dental drill was employed to remove a stainless steel ball bearing.

[hi_robb]

oh dear

I hope he doesn't attempt the clean and jerk next.

[Banksy]

It's what you do with it that counts...

That's what I tell the ladies anyway. No need to be trying crazy methods to make it bigger.

[Mike Moyle]

The DISK weighed 2.5 Kg

I'm sure the dumbbell weighed considerably more!

[FuzzyWuzzys]

Call me naive about such matters, I tend to stick to putting my member in the holes God made available in our beloved human counterparts but couldn't they show him a picture of his gran naked or just jack him off, surely either of these would make said member flaccid?

[Swarthy]

To actually be serious (for a second)

That's the danger of these types of ordeal, the blood cannot flow back. (Closed-flow priapism)

Arteries are on the inside of appendages, to keep them more protected; while veins are on the outside. While blood can flow into the {arm/leg/finger/todger} in a restricted area, it may not be able to flow out.

Sedating the gent can help as less blood will be directed to the area in question, but the pressure keeps the blood from leaving.. had they tried manual manipulation, as you suggest, the blood pressure in his wedding tackle would have increased, still with no return option, rupturing quite a bit of tissue and would have prevented him from ever getting into this (or any other) situation ever again.

[ShadowDragon8685]

What I don't get is why European docs always, always call the fire brigade.

And how the fire brigade manages to do this kind of thing without losing their lunch.

In the U.S., the firemen take one look at this kind of situation, when called, and Nope the hell out!

Then a urologist is properly consulted, an incision is made, the member is drained, and the offending device simply removed.

[Semtex451]

I'd rather take my chances with the vibrating saw.