back to article The 'DUP' joins El Reg’s illustrious online standards converter

In light of yesterday’s mega-bucks deal between the Tories and the Democratic Unionist Party, El Reg has added another unit of measurement to our Standards Bureau. Much to the disdain of the other devolved nations, the bribe agreement will see one BEEELLION pounds sent to Northern Ireland to be used for things like broadband, …

  1. Mark 110

    Sofa?

    I thought DUPs came from the 'Magic Money Tree'?

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      HMS Queen Lizzie

      How many DUPs to take that ridiculous ski jump off the front and fit cats 'n traps instead?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: HMS Queen Lizzie

        Whilst the ski jump is ugly and the admiralty hated the aesthetics when it it was first done it does hugely increase the maximum possible takeoff weight of the aircraft (well it did for the Sea Harrier). More takeoff weight equals more range and armaments which is a very good thing to have.

        1. Vic

          Re: HMS Queen Lizzie

          More takeoff weight equals more range and armaments which is a very good thing to have

          Mostly.

          One of the big problems with the Sea Harriers was that their maximum landing weight was rather lower than their maximum takeoff weight. So an aircraft returning from an unsuccessful sortie might have to drop some of that expensive payload just to be able to land.

          Vic.

          1. Esme

            Re: HMS Queen Lizzie

            @Vic - that's a problem for most seaborne fixed-wing aircraft, not just the Harrier. I well recall how insanely difficult I found it trying to practice carrier landings in MMOL WW2 air combat sims, and at first feared I'd never manage them (which would've been a shame, as I played at the serious end of things, organised units and sides in proper scenarios, chain of command, etc..). Then I realised that typically planes would have near empty fuel tanks when trying to land, so I started taking off with only a quarter of a tank of fuel and no external munitions and found it rather easier. Still nerve-wracking, but with a lower stall speed and lighter all-up weight, unladen landings are somewhat easier and MUCH less dangerous than fully-laden ones. Aircraft undercart just isnt typically designed to take the weight of a fully-laden plane coming down, whether conventionally or otherwise.

        2. gandalfcn

          Re: HMS Queen Lizzie

          "the maximum possible takeoff weight of the aircraft"

          Does she have any aircraft of her own?

    2. TheVogon

      Re: Sofa?

      So, it will cost one DUP for 5 years of coalition, or about 1 DUP a week for Labour's £50 billion manifesto...

      I think I'm happy with the coalition - a bargain versus Corbyn and the socialists.

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: Sofa?

        "So, it will cost one DUP for 5 years of coalition [...] "

        Assuming the coalition will last the full five years. Which remains to be seen.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Or half a million Archers

    For those with sufficiently long memories.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Or half a million Archers

      Surely it should be 1,000 Bernies.

  3. Aladdin Sane
    Trollface

    TAMFDBSATFYS

    Isn't that the word used to activate Gizmoduck?

  4. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    I wonder when May will get deduped.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How about a McDonnell for 500 Billion?

  6. MJI Silver badge

    Which one is

    Brooke Augustine?

  7. Charlie Clark Silver badge

    Good call

    Though I suspect the DUP is going to have some kind of sliding scale.

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Good call

      Is this the metric DUP or the imperial DUP? According to some it's not £1bn but £1.5bn.

      ONE POINT FIVE BEEEEELION POUNDS.

      Clarification is required before this gets certification.

      1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Good call

        The DUP is clearly Imperial.

      2. Pedigree-Pete
        Black Helicopters

        ONE BEEEEEEELION POUNDS

        According to 2011 census, that's £552.23 per head if you accept 1B as 1,000M. Can I have £552.23 too please? I can hear the "No, feck off" all the way from Londonderry.

    2. My Alter Ego

      Re: Good call

      Floating decimal point?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Good call

      I think it'a ambiguous. Surely you get 10 DUP's to the billion pounds?

    4. Pete 2 Silver badge

      The inverse DUP

      Can I propose a variation on the theme. A unit for the amount of money you thought you had spare (or saved), but when you actually try to access it, you find it's gone.

      For obvious reasons. this would be the PUD

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Megaphone

    We send the EU 0.16 DUP a week

    Let's fund our NHS instead

    1. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: We send the EU 0.16 DUP a week

      We send the DUP one DUP every two years.

      Let's fund the NHS instead.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: We send the EU 0.16 DUP a week

      Better idea...

      Let's stop these arseholes privatising it.

      1. TheVogon

        Re: We send the EU 0.16 DUP a week

        "Let's stop these arseholes privatising it."

        That was Labour via PFI. And we did - they lost...

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Thing is, it starts with one DUP then in twelve months or two years time it's another and another especially as you're in the process of getting shafted by brexit. That is if May doesn't resign first.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      She'll get pushed first, as soon as the brexit negotiations get far enough, they'll either be too 'soft' for the 'hard' backbenchers, or too 'hard' for the 'soft' backbenchers, and there'll be a vote of no confidence.

      1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        as soon as the brexit negotiations get far enough

        Wow, you're giving her that long? While the DUP deal theoretically gives her enough votes for any confidence votes it might actually make governing impossible as everyone and their dog starts demanding money for votes; Ruth Davidson is likely to be first in line.

  10. SkippyBing

    Disdain of the other devolved nations

    Because of course the SNP and Plaid Cymru would never think of asking for a bung, sorry extra financial assistance, in return for supporting a minority government?

    1. Jamie Jones Silver badge

      Re: Disdain of the other devolved nations

      Because of course, the DUP would never thing of complaining if that happened.

  11. Elmer Phud

    Welll . . .

    . . I'll be buggered!

    1. Captain DaFt

      Re: Welll . . .

      If you're a British taxpayer, looks like you've just been!

    2. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: Welll . . .

      > . I'll be buggered!

      Not if the DUP have anything to do with it - Save Ulster from Sodomy

  12. Mage Silver badge

    Dane Geld

    Ironically they don't need paid anything, the DUP certainly doesn't want Corbyn.

    Remind me why the SF MPs get paid?

    Remind me why the peace loving majority of people in NI vote for the two parties that least believe in peace, tolerance, honesty, integrity and democracy. Not much to chose between SF or DUP. Both toxic, though the SF have better PR.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: Dane Geld

      At least SF have enough integrity to not take their seats in the commons because they won't swear an oath of allegiance to the crown.

      Both sides in NI have a shady history, but I would cast the DUP as the most regressive of the lot just because of their science-denying, women's-rights denying, gay-rights-denying backwards religious fundamentalism, which is ironic since SF are nominally the party linked to the Catholics, but appear to be more progressive in these regards.

      The history of Ireland (both Eire and the North) is long and complicated, but it does essentially come down to the fact that English/Dutch protestants invaded the island in the 1680s, and despite being pretty much clearly in the wrong for doing so, the UK still wants to cling onto the parts of it that it managed to colonise.

      This is, of course, a massive oversimplification, and the thing that can be said about Westminster's involvement in the politics of NI is that it should be done at arm's length, and not with one arm around one involved party, whether it be the DUP, SF, UUP, SDLP or any of the other minor parties.

      1. Mage Silver badge

        Re: SF are nominally the party linked to the Catholics

        Except it's only an accident of history that many Catholics are Nationalist (Non-violent) or Republican (Any means). The SF is not a Catholic party at all, they exploit Catholics. They are an old style socialist party that regards any means acceptable to achieve their ends. The DUP in contrast hardly has a political agenda other than opposing Republicans, Nationalists, Catholics, Irish Culture, Tolerance and Liberal secular viewpoints. No doubt they think UK has gone downhill since Cromwell's death.

        SF non-involvement in Westminster isn't really to do with the Monarchy, it's a bankrupt 19th policy they are too arrogant to rescind.

      2. FreeTard

        Re: Dane Geld

        Both SF and the DUP are as bad as each other. Why anyone votes for them is beyond me. May is clutching at straws getting into bed with the DUP.

        1. TheVogon

          Re: Dane Geld

          "May is clutching at straws getting into bed with the DUP."

          It seems to be enough straws though...

      3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Dane Geld

        "it does essentially come down to the fact that English/Dutch protestants invaded the island in the 1680s"

        A bit more complex than that. You appear not to have heard of the Elizabethan plantation nor of the Ulster Scots (where do you think that name Paisley comes from?). Then, of course, the Scots did come from Ireland in the first place - there's been toing and froing across the North Channel since it opened up (e.g. Argyll is derived from the name of an Irish tribe). You simply can't put a marker into the chain of events and say everything that side is right and everything the other is wrong. Attempting to over-simplify a situation is a sure-fire way of making things worse.

        1. Mage Silver badge

          Re: Ulster Scots

          Ah, the Kingdom of Dalriada.

          Long before Rome, Angles, Saxons, Norsemen etc, the Ulster folk fought everyone else, then Ulster was split, like today along the River Bann, with the East in the Kingdom of Dalriada which also ruled western bits of Scotland.

          I think Welsh is simply Anglo-Saxon for Foreigner.

          Great Britain, because Little Britain is roughly Brittany (a somewhat Celtic part of France with some affinity to Cornwall).

          1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Re: Ulster Scots

            "I think Welsh is simply Anglo-Saxon for Foreigner."

            That seems to be the accepted explanation. But W & G often get interchanged - in fact it happens with the French for Wales. I think the A/Ss recognised the post-Roman Britons as Gauls.

      4. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Dane Geld

        English/Dutch protestants invaded the island in the 1680s,

        No, there wasn't an invasion. William was invited to take the English crown, if he agreed to defeat the Catholic James. James was in (Catholic) Ireland recruiting, so William headed there to defeat him before he could raise an army & return to England. After the defeat William sailed back to London and shows no sign of ever giving Ireland a thought afterwards. Not an invasion, just a convenient battle strategy (which happened to turn Irish land ownership on its head as the Jacobites fled ahead of the excecutioner).

      5. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Dane Geld

        "At least SF have enough integrity to not take their seats in the commons because they won't swear an oath of allegiance to the crown."

        Apparently Tony Benn added a prefix to his oath of allegiance stating his republican beliefs.

      6. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Dane Geld

        "[...] English/Dutch protestants [...]"

        I thought they are mostly the descendants of Scottish Protestant settlers?

    2. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: Dane Geld

      ...oh, and the SF MPs (who refuse to take their seats in Westminster) also don't get paid.

      1. Adam 52 Silver badge

        Re: Dane Geld

        "...oh, and the SF MPs (who refuse to take their seats in Westminster) also don't get paid"

        I have no idea why you got down-voted for making a helpful and factually correct statement.

        Yes they get expenses, but then they do constituency work in Westminster for free.

        1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

          Re: Dane Geld

          I have no idea why you got down-voted for making a helpful and factually correct statement.

          Why let those pesky facts get in the way of uninformed opinions, eh? Isn't this why Gove hates experts?

    3. Hollerithevo Silver badge

      Re: Dane Geld

      @ Loyal

      I think you'll find Ireland was invaded by the Normans (Mr Strongbow, take a bow) and that the English kept its foot firmly within the Pale and slightly less firmly outside the pale until the 1600s, when he foot came down firmly everywhere.

      1. Mage Silver badge

        Re: invaded by the Normans

        Who later became almost Irish, but that's another story.

        It was Henry II that cemented British rule, because there was no Celtic Primogenitor, he offered the clan Chiefs membership of the English Feudal system, so not only would a son inherit but a chief could no longer be deposed by a local council. Women also lost historic rights under Celtic laws.

        I've never understood why "Unionists" celebrate William of Orange (a Dutchman supported with Catholic armies, congratulated by the Pope for suppressing the Heretic James, the actual English King) rather than Henry II. Or Elizabeth I. There is no doubt that Londoners didn't like James either and welcomed William, whose tenuous claim was that he married James's daughter Mary. William threatened to go home (rather than sack London) if they didn't figure how to make him King, which was an amazing reversal of the usual. They must have really disliked James. I think that he was Catholic was only part of the problem.

        1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

          Re: invaded by the Normans

          I've never understood why "Unionists" celebrate William of Orange

          Because after William defeated James at the Boyne, the Catholic landowning classes that had supported James fled to Europe to avoid execution. William, like most victorious Kings, confiscated their lands and gave them as prizes to the people that had supported him. That had the effect of turning the Irish landowning classes Protestant practically overnight. That had a much more direct effect on the fortunes of the planted Scots protestants than almost anything else.

          Even so, the Orange Order itself didn't come about until 100 years later, when there was a burst of civil disorder, so there was probably an element of rosy memories involved there as well.

      2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: Dane Geld

        I think you'll find Ireland was invaded by the Normans (Mr Strongbow, take a bow)

        Strongbow was invited in by Dermot to help him get his throne back, married Dermot's daughter, and stayed. It was when he & his pals started having so much fun that Henry got worried they might challenge him, so he sailed over and demanded they swear fealty to him. That was what brought Ireland under English rule (with some connivance by the Pope as well).

    4. Awil Onmearse
      Terminator

      Re: Dane Geld

      "the two parties that least believe in peace, tolerance, honesty, integrity and democracy."

      The history of the British state in Ireland is so fucking shameful, that I'm amazed the words " peace, tolerance, honesty, integrity and democracy" didn't stick in your craw. The murdering bastards of the Crown brought anything but those.

      1. Mage Silver badge

        Re: didn't stick in your craw.

        You misread my post.

        I'm pointing out that the majority of the Assembly and ALL the Westminster MPs elected in NI DO NOT believe in peace, tolerance, honesty, integrity and democracy, WHATSOEVER. Yet, bizarrely the majority of voters claim that's what they want. Obviously they don't understand how to fill in a ballot paper, or lie to pollsters.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: didn't stick in your craw.

          "Yet, bizarrely the majority of voters claim that's what they want. Obviously they don't understand how to fill in a ballot paper, or lie to pollsters."

          Back in the day it was hoped that PR voting would ensure moderates and even cross-community parties such as Alliance would thrive. It didn't work.

        2. Ikkabar

          Re: didn't stick in your craw.

          We know how ballot papers get filled in. The problem is that the majority of voters from one side of the political/religious divide vote for 'their own side' on order to keep the 'other side' out.

          1. Norman Nescio

            Re: didn't stick in your craw.

            In other words, because if they didn't, the wrong lizard might get in.

        3. Cian Duffy

          Re: didn't stick in your craw.

          Hermon (the one Independent) isn't too bad, really.

    5. bitten
      Black Helicopters

      Re: Dane Geld

      Didn't Downing street throw civil rights activist out of helicopters back then, you can believe in peace, tolerance, democracy, just not too loud. Tinfoil hat jokes are sometimes just a cover up.

  13. JamieL

    Let's not ask who really benefits from the Union

    @LoyalCommentator "....the UK still wants to cling onto the parts of it that it managed to colonise...."

    Not entirely sure about that. There are many in the (mainland) UK would happily cut the cord and hand it back, but the vocal (soon to be minority) of DUP-like types would make too much of a fuss

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Let's not ask who really benefits from the Union

      "There are many in the (mainland) UK would happily cut the cord"

      That could have happened a century or so ago had it not been clear that the result would have been an extremely bloody civil war. It might have settled matters but at a much higher cost than anything that's happened since.

      1. Androgynous Cupboard Silver badge

        Re: Let's not ask who really benefits from the Union

        There's some very interesting reading on the politics surrounding the Irish Partition back in the 20's by the Liberal government under Lloyd George. The Liberals were trying to reform the House Of Lords and needed the support of the Irish MPs, and home rule was the price they would have to pay for it.

        This would have included the 6 counties in the north, but the protestants there were whipped into a fervour by none other than... the Tories, specifically Andrew Bonar Law. Here's an excerpt from one of his speeches in Belfast in which he's basically advocating military uprising.

        In our opposition to them we shall not be guided by the considerations or bound by the restraints which would influence us in an ordinary constitutional struggle. We shall take the means, whatever means seem to us most effective, to deprive them of the despotic power which they have usurped and compel them to appeal to the people whom they have deceived. They may, perhaps they will, carry their Home Rule Bill through the House of Commons, but what then? I said the other day in the House of Commons and I repeat here that there are things stronger than Parliamentary majorities…

        Before I occupied the position which I now fill in the Party, I said that in my belief if an attempt were made to deprive these men of their birthright as part of a corrupt Parliamentary bargain, they would be justified in resisting such an attempt by all means in their power, including force. I said it then, and I repeat now with a full sense of the responsibility which attaches to my position, that in my opinion, if such an attempt is made, I can imagine no length of resistance to which Ulster can go in which I should not be prepared to support them…

        as I recall he also encouraged the marching folk to perhaps consider training and marching with weapons, because, y'know, it may come in handy. The rest, sadly, it history. Lovely man all round,

        So the current DUP shenanigans have some precedent.

        Incidentally much of this ill-recalled truthiness comes from the excellent book "The Strange Death Of Liberal England", which I picked up presuming it was about the recent death of Liberal England, when in fact it was about the last one. Some 95 years have passed, but it's basically the same story.

    2. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Let's not ask who really benefits from the Union

      OTH, The UK is determined to keep some islands that ought to belong to Mauritius, they have deported the natives and leased part to the USA.

      Then there is Bermuda. UK controlled but one of the biggest tax havens / money laundering centres in the world.

      Ireland (the Nation) now only wants N.I, if the UK & EU pay the running costs for at least 20 years.

      1. TheVogon

        Re: Let's not ask who really benefits from the Union

        "Then there is Bermuda. UK controlled but one of the biggest tax havens / money laundering centres in the world."

        Bermuda is primarily an offshore centre for re-insurance due to low corporation tax. It has a locally elected government and Britain exercises no direct control. It also has strict anti-money laundering laws and you can't even open a bank account there unless you are a resident with local ID,

        Are you thinking of Belize or maybe just don't have a clue what you are talking about?

    3. Esme

      Re: Let's not ask who really benefits from the Union

      @JamieL - yup, me for one. Notionally, I've always been in favour of a united Ireland, but I've always loathed the RA and loathed the DUP even more, because , as noted, they actually do manage to make Sinn Fein look relatively good by comparison. If it weren't for the fact that it'd almost certainly cause further bloodshed, I'd be very happy for the UK to simply disown Northern Ireland, just to piss off the Paisleyites. I dunno what the so-called 'Loyalists' think they're loyal to, but it certainly isn't life as we know it in mainland UK. Both sides of that particular poisoned chalice should, IMO, be grateful that both the UK proper and Eire have been so patient with the fuckwitted but troublemaking minorities of all persuasions causing all the grief. Pity we can't weed them out and drop them on a nice uninhabited island somewhere so that the peaceful types in NI can get on with building a saner society.

  14. CraPo

    Should've been

    A "confidence and supply agreement"

    http://newsthump.com/2017/06/27/google-fined-a-record-two-dup-confidence-and-supply-agreements-by-eu/

  15. Jamie Jones Silver badge
  16. Jamie Jones Silver badge
    Happy

    Piers Morgan is hopeful!

    Reg Standards Bureau In light of yesterday’s mega-bucks deal between the Tories and the Democratic Unionist Party, El Reg has added another unit of measurement to our Standards Bureau.

    Much to the disdain of the other devolved nations, the bribe agreement will see one BEEELLION pounds sent to Northern Ireland to be used for things like broadband, infrastructure and healthcare.

    http://newsthump.com/2017/06/27/piers-morgan-wondering-how-much-hell-get-from-new-tory-policy-of-giving-money-to-hateful-shits/

  17. This post has been deleted by its author

  18. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Coat

    Old rule of the British upper classes.

    Never pay off a blackmailer.

    They will always be back for more.

    1. bitten

      Re: Old rule of the British upper classes.

      The upper class rule is always be in for more.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Old rule of the British upper classes.

      "Never pay off a blackmailer."

      Do they need to? The Establishment seems to have a track record of protecting the elite - no matter what their crime was. In the 19th century several scandal investigations quietly folded when it seemed that court trial witnesses would name people in high places.

  19. Steve Aubrey

    Misquoting Everett Dirksen

    A DUP here, a DUP there - pretty soon, you're talking real money!

    Doesn't have the same ring, does it?

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    DUP headquarters to move to Craggy Island

    The money will only be resting in their account.

    "Mrs Doyle, more sandwiches, many more sandwiches."

  21. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    Whats the going rate for mercenaries?

    This is out and out bribery , our PM should be impeached for this!

    All for 10 fucking seats.

    I'm sure if she gave 500 MPs a million pounds to do what she says she could have a much bigger majority for 1/2 the cost , and as a bonus not restart the war in NI

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Whats the going rate for mercenaries?

      All for 10 fucking seats.

      Yes, if she'd promised the money to English voters she could probably have bought more seats for it.

      It worked for Corbyn.

  22. ChrisCabbage

    ...but what are the keys to a brand new combine harvester worth?

  23. Flywheel Silver badge

    You just need an "E" to name it properly: DUPE.

  24. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Base unit

    Definitely one of the most unfeasibly large base units since the Farad came along.

    There might be a few picoDUPs down the back of my sofa.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Base unit

      "Definitely one of the most unfeasibly large base units since the Farad came along."

      The Farad isn't that unfeasibly large these days - you can buy a 3000F 3V capacitor from Maxell.

      You think of an unfeasibly large unit and sooner or later science makes it commonplace. I think Mrs. May is about to find that once she has paid one lot of 17th century bigots the Danegeld, she will pay it again and again. How many Conservative constituencies are now marginal? Before long we'll be getting budget riders just like in the US, and the Something to do With Something Boring Plus a Bung for the MP for Con Marginal Act will be a Parliamentary fixture.

  25. Paul Hovnanian Silver badge

    Hmm

    An article on units (monetary and otherwise) in a UK publication and all you can find in your sofa cushion is an American quarter?

  26. John Jennings Bronze badge

    Actually, it will just about cover the DUP HEI liability

    Arline, before being leader, when she was head of Finance for the NI assembly and she signed off the RHI system - basically green/woodchip heating.

    Unfortunately, (for N Irish tax payers) she dropped off the caps on the claims, and forced the grants to remain available for months AFTER the issue was reported - twice - to her office.

    There are EMPTY barns here which are heated to tropical temps, so the grants can be earned. 70% + of the claimants are also 'connected' with the DUP.

    http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/public-money-could-heat-northern-ireland-ferrari-showroom-for-next-20-years-35286617.html

    Liability for this is in excess of .9 DUPs, over 20 years.

    The UK govt refused to pay for the DUP blunder.... I guess they are now

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