back to article Need the toilet? Wanna watch a video ad about erectile dysfunction?

I'm off to the toilet. Would you like to join me? Sorry, that's a silly question. Of course you won't join me – I'm a bloke. Young women often go to the washroom in pairs but dudes generally don't, at least not for the purposes that the washroom was originally designed. And if you are a woman, or non-specific gender, I can …

  1. Alister Silver badge

    I can see some fun to be had if they introduce IoT Hand Dryers.

    If a washroom has enough, you could perhaps manage to achieve lift-off, or at least create a pressure differential sufficient to expel people from the room.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    Just sterling. A brilliant end to the week. Thanks.


  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    or at least create a pressure differential sufficient to expel people from the room

    With the right fuel, I can achieve that without any IoT nonsense. Although I prefer to put the pressure on olfactory nerves, rather than using simple pressure differentials.

    Mind you, all that interactive crapvertising still isn't as bad as somethings we already have to endure. There's something of a fad for "back of the cubicle door" propaganda from internal communications departments, often featuring pictures of smiley, happy workers. As one female colleague commented, its a bit hard to concentrate when there's the life size face of one of your own team staring back at you as you try and squeeze one out.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      Who needs fuel ? One block of C4 should be enough to expel everything from the room.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sticker manufacturer opportunity

    In the UK, which was invaded by the Vandals who then never left, those screens are going to be covered in waterproof felt tip pen tags in no time. That's if they aren't "disrupted" by a sharpened screwdriver.

    There is therefore a market opportunity for Avery labels or similar in the correct format so vandals can give themselves a new, pristine surface to write on. That's assuming they can get near enough because some hacker has modified the machine to run constantly at full power.

    At the other end of the scale I remember visiting a REME base long ago and being allowed into the officers' bogs without an escort (nice people, very trusting). There were racks of military magazines for reading while defecating, in just about every mainstream Western language other than English. Now that's showing off.

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Sticker manufacturer opportunity

      There were racks of military magazines for reading while defecating,

      Are you sure they were for reading, and not as a softer alternative to the military Izal?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Sticker manufacturer opportunity

        "Are you sure they were for reading, and not as a softer alternative to the military Izal?"

        The "Please replace after reading" stickers were a bit of a giveaway. Also, wasn't Izal, as I recall. Like I say, officer bogs not OR.

    2. Black Betty

      Rear Echelon Mother (um what's an E?)

      Text goes here

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Always use the disabled toilets

    Under-used so they are clean, fragrant and with lots of space, usually with extra's like working soap dispensers and paper towels.

    Facilities teams also prioritise these due to 'political correctness gone mad' and fear of 'making fun of the disableds' (to quote David Brent)

    My conscience is clean - it doesn't make me a bad person :)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Always use the disabled toilets

      If the actual toilets are disabled, I assume a single visit will make them very fragrant indeed.

      I'll see myself out, thank you very much.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Always use the disabled toilets

        In the US they aren't disabled, but they are Accessible, which I always find to be a useful feature in a toilet.

        1. IsJustabloke

          Re: Always use the disabled toilets

          "In the US they aren't disabled, but they are Accessible, which I always find to be a useful feature in a toilet."

          Hmmm.... whereas the American embassy in Hong Kong has a big sign on the door that says "Handicapped Toilet" not to mention a big sign on a gate that says "Handicapped Access"

          1. elDog

            Re: Always use the disabled toilets

            Not to go off on a US signage tangent, but how about a warning "Slow Child Crossing".

            Or "Caution Falling Rocks". That one was my father's favorite. He made up a whole story (with sequels) about the poor indian boy (Northern NY) named "Falling Rocks".

            There must be a compendium of these stupidities. Oh, yes - the internet.

            1. bombastic bob Silver badge

              Re: Always use the disabled toilets

              'Not to go off on a US signage tangent, but how about a warning "Slow Child Crossing".'

              (yeah, U.S. signage tangent)

              On I5 in the Camp Pendleton area (between San Diego and L.A.) it's all open landscape for miles. Along the side of the road there used to be signs labeled 'Caution' in english, 'Prohibido' in Spanish, depicting a man, woman, and kids running across a freeway. The thing is, this was a REAL problem [and no doubt still is, but the signage wasn't there last I checked]. The presumption is that it's illegals that were taken across the border by coyotes and are now "on their own" in the vacinity of a (no longer operational?) border checkpoint in the middle of that stretch of road.

              FYI the sign was similar to this one: - that one doesn't have the 'Prohibido' underneath it though.

              No similar signs on the public bathrooms at the nearby rest stop, though... (regardless of the amount of wet paper and other mysterious things on the floor)

        2. Mage Silver badge

          Re: Always use the disabled toilets

          Disabled Parking?

          seems a strange concept.*

          Accessible parking for certificate holder makes more sense.

          (*Though Tesco's "Free from" branding horribly mangles the English language. The "Free From" should be UNDER the main foodstuff name, not above it.)

          I dirty bogs are frightening and I tend to look for somewhere else. But the opulent luxury type Dabbs describes are worrying. I always wonder is it some sort of elaborate trap.

          1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

            Re: Always use the disabled toilets

            (*Though Tesco's "Free from" branding horribly mangles the English language. The "Free From" should be UNDER the main foodstuff name, not above it.)

            Still better than "organic" vegetables. I find inorganic ones somewhat indigestible.

          2. Glenturret Single Malt

            Re: Always use the disabled toilets

            Comes from the same stable as "This door is alarmed".

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The increase of instructions on how to use toilets appears to be linked to the use of Intercompany Transfers from our esteemed outsourcing "partners".

    IEnron's London office had great bogs when I visited them in 1998. Real towels, the assortment of moisturisers, thick bog roll, automatic taps with properly heated (i.e. not scalding, not cold) water. It's nice to know they weren't wasting the money they were stealing.

    1. Mark 110

      Hmm - reminds me of the signs in one of our suppliers Chennai office requesting people not to wash their hair in the sink . . .

    2. Tony S

      Yeah, I've seen those notices. Strange icons that instruct people not to stand on the toilets, nor to wee in the sinks. The best one was to highlight urinals are not for number 2s.

      In addition, they had some rather ghastly pictures on their H&S notice boards, showing someone that had serious gashed his leg / buttocks open on a broken toilet seat caused by people standing on the seats. It seems that he had to have about a dozen stitches and a couple of tetanus / antibiotic shots.

      Apparently the cleaner also got a bit unhappy because on a several occasions, he found that his mop bucket (stored in the corner) had been used by people to relieve themselves, presumably because they couldn't work out that the mop stood in it was for washing floors.

      1. Tony Haines

        What gets me is the sign which says "Now wash your hands" which seems to frequently be positioned at eye level above the urinal.

        Personally I prefer to wait until I get to a sink. to work out how we can get the guy who wees on the seat to put their knob in a cheesegrater.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          There was an IT contractor who had a very puerile sense of humour. He was known to stretch a sheet of cling film under the office toilet seats.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

 to work out how we can get the guy who wees on the seat to put their knob in a cheesegrater.

          Maybe he already did, which is why he wees all over the seat?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "IEnron's London office had great bogs when I visited them in 1998"

      Establishments where people go to spend other people's money, such as advertising agencies, investment banks and Ponzi schemes, tend to have good facilities.

      Establishments where people go to spend their own money tend to have tighter budgets.

  7. PhilipN Silver badge

    Curved Air

    Nice one, Dabbsy. Spot on. One of the best singles of that decade.

    1. David Haig

      Re: Curved Air

      Sonja khristina !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    2. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

      Re: Curved Air

      Amen to tyhat - and they are still performing! Found a concert a week or two back so going to see them in November

  8. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  9. Andy Mac


    Methinks people will more likely spread their wet, shitty hands around than be subjected to yet another advertising vector with no benefit.

    So long and thanks for all the cholera!

  10. Steve Button

    Seems like a good idea...

    ... if you're an advertiser.

    Even better stick screens on the inside of toilet doors, as you are likely to be sitting for a couple of minutes instead of 15 seconds drying your hands.

    I think this would be a terrible thing, as personally I have some of my best ideas sitting on the loo... but that's not going to stop advertisers now, is it?

  11. Alistair Dabbs

    Queue for the video hand dryer

    If you have to queue up to use an IoT hand dryer, does that count as a DoS attack? Of course, if they're queueing up in the Ladies at the same time, it could be DDoS.

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Queue for the video hand dryer

      It's only a matter of time before someone figures out how to put "alternate" content on that video screen.

      // Paris...of course

  12. BebopWeBop Silver badge

    I derive devious pleasure from the inevitable process of setting up in a boardroom for which absolutely no one, least of all IT support, knows how the extensive and very expensive-looking integrated AV equipment works.

    And has been ever so. As soon as my small company - no a little bigger, could afford a small, portable projector We had two that went on the road for external presentations, no matter what the client.

    They have got a little (well a lot) smaller, cheaper and brighter and we now have 6 - but they are still and essential part of travelling kit.

  13. Nick Ryan Silver badge

    Hotel Toilet quality assessment

    Having in the past travelled extensively, both for business and pleasure I took to judging the real quality of an establishment by the state of the toilets.

    As a rule of thumb it stands up pretty well with those establishments only interested in the shiny veneer of quality having appalling quality toilets compared to their front areas an approach which was usually mirrored by being shoddy elsewhere as well. Whereas better quality establishments looked after the rarely seen areas, taking care to ensure that they are clean and working. The ones that just want to appear as quality but don't follow it through everywhere are the ones to want to watch out for due to the usual joys of infestations, food poisoning or just awful food often combined with a steady decline in the quality of service and rising prices.

  14. mahasamatman


    Is the god you're looking for. Terda was a heroic attempt, though.

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge


      Terda was a heroic attempt, though.

      More fibre needed in the diet then.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken


      O Cloacina, Goddess of this place,

      Look on thy suppliants with a smiling face.

      Soft, yet cohesive let their offerings flow,

      Not rashly swift nor insolently slow.

      (A short poem typically attributed to Lord Byron; and I wouldn't put it past him.)

      1. J. Cook Silver badge

        Re: STERCULIUS

        ... I need signs made up with this on it.

      2. TitterYeNot

        Re: STERCULIUS

        Ode to Flavia Cloacina

        I came upon this odious place,

        A look of nausea on my face,

        I perceived the previous sitter,

        Was nothing but a dirty scumbag with absolutely no consideration for other people...

      3. elDog

        Re: STERCULIUS

        This will definitely be included as part of my normal dinner conversations.

        For some reason my family and friends all seem to like to discuss inflows (good food) and outflows (good outflows.) If we're in company, some of the company may hie themselves off to the smoking room or crapper.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Three customers' facilities stand out in my long memory.

    RAF - treated us as officers with full access to the sofa lined Officer's Mess.

    Army - sometimes treated us as squaddies.

    Aircraft manufacturer - our female team members were allowed to use the office staff toilets. The guys had to use the shop floor workers' toilets - which had no locks on the cubicle doors. As it was a weekend we were spared the foreman kicking open the doors.

  16. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    Judge of quality ?

    Screw the marble floors. My only yardstick when it comes to judging a company's true quality is its toilet paper.

    I cannot count the number of fancy office areas I have been in where it all looks expensive and upper-class, but they have rolls of sandpaper waiting for you in the single-access rooms.

    I have, on occasion, been pleasantly surprised by soft tissue of obviously upper quality, but it would seem that most companies above a certain size are perfectly content to have their employees sit on a rash all day long.

    Of course, I cannot judge the quality of the tissue in the Manager's section - as a consultant I never get access to those areas. Somehow I doubt they'll be wiping with the same sandpaper as their underlings. Can't imagine why, but I just don't see it.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Judge of quality ?

      Sometimes I believe it's a polite hint you should use your house toilet - a good one, because if some people had to clean the mess they leave in workplace toilets, probably they would avoid it.

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Judge of quality ?

      A place I used to work at didn't have different toilets for management and non-management staff. And one kind of (crappy) tissue for all. But they did have the sort of holder-thingies where you have two bog rolls in them side by side. One night someone who had access to both the right keys and a label maker replaced one of the rolls in every holder with quality tissue. And stuck a neat label reading "Management only" next to them.

      Caused quite an uproar the next day.

    3. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

      Re: Judge of quality ?

      Worse than sandpaper, is that thin, polished (calendared?) stuff that seems popular for some reason in Europe. Sandpaper, I could understand, because it scrapes the material away (perhaps overly harshly) but polished paper seems not to meet the basic requirements for the task at hand -- neither absorbent, nor grippy.

  17. cosymart

    Bog Design

    Standard design for toilets anywhere: 3 urinals & loos, 2 or 3 sinks and ONE hand dryer that on a good day just about reached ambient temperature because the fan motor was under rated. Don't the people who design loos use them?

    1. Red Bren

      Re: Bog Design

      Thanks for highlighting two of my pet hates.

      It's a sad fact of life that not everyone washes their hands after heeding the call of nature, but it's no good putting signs on the walls saying "Wash your hands" if you don't provide enough sinks. Who washes their hands but then can't be bothered to dry them?

      And why do cheap hand dryer manufacturers think temperature is more important than airflow? A design based on an asthmatic dragon is going to burn my hands rather than dry them.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Bog Design

        "Who washes their hands but then can't be bothered to dry them?"

        I do a lot of driving, which sometimes requires stopping at a motorway services for a quick slash. It's mind boggling how many people who

        a) don't wash their hands at all,

        b) press the tap and wave their hands near the water or

        c) at least wet their hands in the water before walking out with wet hands.

        Many times, it's the people in suits, freshly pressed shirts and probably an expensive car outside.

        1. Anonymous C0ward

          Re: Bog Design

          Dyson Airblades are good. Imitations of them (like in our office) I have found to be wank.

          1. Richard 12 Silver badge

            Re: Bog Design

            Airblades are horrifyingly bad. Clearly designed by someone who has no understanding whatsoever of the vagaries of the human form.

            They only work if your hands happen to dangle at the right distance from the ground.

            So anyone not roughly average height can't use them without painfully stretching or bending.

            And they're literally impossible to use from a wheelchair.

            1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

              Re: Bog Design

              My problem with the air dryers, is that they are approximately as loud as a 747 at takeoff. And the tiled bog walls enhance the experience.

              I'd rather use paper towels, or my pants.

          2. Spamfast

            Re: Bog Design

            Dyson Airblades are good. Imitations of them (like in our office) I have found to be wank.

            Dyson Airblades are rubbish. They are very, very loud and high pitched - I'm surprised they pass noise regulations - and they don't allow you to rub your hands together which is the most efficient way of spreading the water so that it evaporates more quickly.

            Dyson had one good idea back when. Everything since is over-priced crap for social climbers.

      2. Wensleydale Cheese

        Re: Bog Design

        " Who washes their hands but then can't be bothered to dry them?"

        Me when there are no working dryers and the towels are filthy.

  18. Potemkine Silver badge

    Toilet poetry

    ...written on the wall.

    "It was rather liquid today"

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's not the Pelé one is it?

    I dimly remember the days of late-night cable TV where the 'Men-and-Motors' softcore swimwear parade was routinely interrupted by the sight of a shrivelled geriatric Brazilian asking "Having erection problems?".

    Well, I wasn't, but I bloody well am now...

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    For some reason the loo where I work has a "not drinking water" sticker on it.

    Sometimes I think I would like to know why, but then I think I'd rather not....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Backstory????

      "For some reason the loo where I work has a "not drinking water" sticker on it."

      1) it is stored in tank that is not up to the latest standards of protection against chemical leaching or bacteria growth.

      2) the piping includes lead - possibly only as soldered joints.

      3) the water is softened by a chemical process eg Permutit. That can increase the sodium content above WHO potable water limits.

      1. J. Cook Silver badge

        Re: Backstory????

        The company might be using a greywater reuse system ( for the toilets, and some H&S numpty probably insisted on the stickers.

    2. JulieM

      Re: Backstory????

      Water supplied from a cistern, as opposed to from the mains, is deemed unfit for drinking. Mains-fed water heaters were not common in the UK until fairly recently, due to overkill regulations.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    My company toilet design...

    We were moved to the actual new premises a couple of years ago, when different sites were being consolidated into larger ones. An ex manufacturing building was redeveloped as offices. Being IT, we are 90% men and 10% women (sorry, I'd really like more women, but I don't hire people).

    Of course, the toilets were designed for a 50-50 population. And while four stalls may be enough for the few women, four aren't enough for the men (especially because too many seem to have issue with aiming at the hole, you wonder how they could procreate..., so yes, instructions looks to be necessary today), and one has been out of service for over a year (they immediately changed any sign as soon as the company changed name, but repairing a toilet was too expensive...)

    But the best are the lavatories. They have chosen "stylish" ones, single square columns raising directly from the floor with no space to rest anything (I have to wear hard contact lenses, and sometimes happens I need to clean them), and with the tap mounted high above - again, to obtain a stylish column of water - just as soon as the filter gets dirty they ensure spurts everywhere.

    Surely they have paid some kind of architect/interior design to come up with such a nonsense...

    1. Korev Silver badge

      Re: My company toilet design...

      We had an audit* and they found that there were too few loos for the boys and therefore too many for the girls so they switched some of them over.

      *It staggers me that this is part of someone's job!

  22. spacecadet66

    I especially look forward to these getting installed in bars for some impromptu field tests of the ruggedization of the screen.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Gaming youngsters today have it easy. We had to be content with contests measured against the black tarred wall above the school's urinals.

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Were you going for distance or accuracy?? Enquiring minds and all that.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Height - but no one was as accomplished as in this episode "Little Squirt" of the Australian kids TV series "Round The Twist".

          If you don't have the attention span to get the full background - the denouement is at 21m30 of this video on the programme's official channel. From the 1980s - the past is indeed another country.

      2. Wensleydale Cheese

        "We had to be content with contests measured against the black tarred wall above the school's urinals."

        A pub I used to frequent had a realistic image of a housefly stuck on the bottom of each urinal.

        Apparently giving you something to aim at works well.

        Variations on this theme include a replica of a footie goal, complete with ball, especially during Euro and World Championships.

        1. Unicornpiss Silver badge


          I've always thought there could be a market for "urinal games." Guys like to pee on things and test their aim, so why not a little spinner in the urinal? This could be coupled to a small (waterproof or piss proof) encoder or dynamo and an electronic scoreboard. He who spins the little wheel the longest gets the highest score.

          1. Horridbloke

            Re: Contests

            That's a bad idea, because stag groups (in town) or QA delivery teams (at work) will treat it as a relay event and make an even bigger mess.

  23. Grunchy

    I'm the one that brings a paper towel

    We had this innovation known as "baby wipe" which I have found is a good device to use post-number 2. This is my personal opinion, merely sharing for the benefit of others.

    Anyways, they don't carry baby wipes at work, because they don't let anybody bring babies into work.

    So what I have found is if I were to take a dry paper towel, and moisten it in the sink, why it has become practically the same thing!

    Unfortunately that means that I'm that guy who tends to flush those. Because, come on, how do you chuck your TP (PT) into the garbage can.

    Now I've never known the plumbing to suffer the subsequent 'backup failure'. The one rule I've seen about flushing matter is that you should ensure whatever you flush is capable of pretty much dissolving into water; which tends to not include such sturdy toweling (which you need to really get a pristine wipe; I tend to not only use both sides of the PT wipe, but also get a couple folds to open up new surfaces, as well).

    I say this in full awareness of the fat-bergs they suffer down in the sewers. But in my defence, I'm not the guy rinsing grease, or non-soluble coffee grounds, down the drain.

    I have an inkling that even sturdy paper toweling must dissolve, eventually. Am I wrong?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I'm the one that brings a paper towel

      You are very wrong.

      By the power vested in me as an anonymous commentard, I sentence you to one hundred hours toilet and sewer unclogging duty.

      Officers, take the prisoner down.

    2. MonkeyCee

      Re: I'm the one that brings a paper towel

      "I have an inkling that even sturdy paper toweling must dissolve, eventually. Am I wrong?"

      Yes. The advice to only put TP down the bog is for a reason.

      "Now I've never known the plumbing to suffer the subsequent 'backup failure'."

      Not on your end, no. But unless you dropped a tracking device in there too, then you've got no idea about the downstream effect.

      Sewerage systems are for liquids, not solids. Poop and near equivalents (soups, smoothies, vomit) are usually within the systems capability.

      Various other unsuitable items get in there too, but are generally accepted that it's pretty hard to stop them. Hair and fat are the obvious ones here, and if you're expecting to put a lot of it in there then you are expected to filter it.

      Putting cellulose based products that aren't designed to *immediately* dissolve in water (normal TP) is going to help cause a blockage. It takes several months to decompose paper in ideal conditions. Putting baby wipes/nappies or other polymer based items is even worse, since those don't decompose at all in a helpful timeframe.

      Unless there is a real problem with your building plumbing, you indeed will never see the issue. Same as dumping fat into the system, it's very rare to block up an individual connection. But the cumulative effect is what gets the various fatburgs and other joys of the deep.

      As for being to scared to throw your shit paper in the bin, just use the sanitary products bin. no-one wants to handle those bits either, and they'll have a half decent bag on it, and a lid.

      Oh, and please don't dump paint, motor oil or any of the other items into the waste water systems either. Just because it doesn't fuck up your plumbing doesn't mean it won't fuck up something else.

  24. Phukov Andigh Bronze badge

    thanks for this

    the most terrifying, dystopian thing Ive read all day.

    And I pray that no one tries to surpass it before quitting time!

  25. Maty

    air dryers - ugh

    To quote Sheldon Cooper - I would rather have a diseased orang-utan sneeze on my hands.

    Take a bacteria-rich environment, and then pump warm damp air over a dark surface such as the interior of the blower. What could possibly go wrong?

    Some reading for the unsqueamish

    (We don't seem to have a biohazard icon)

    1. Barry Rueger

      Re: air dryers - ugh

      In the Good Old Days there were ongoing PR battles between paper towel, electric blower, and cloth roller towel manufacturers, each claiming cost efficiency and superior sanitation.

      The dunning phrase "towel litter" still makes me smile.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: air dryers - ugh

      "Take a bacteria-rich environment, and then pump warm damp air over a dark surface such as the interior of the blower. What could possibly go wrong?"

      Wrong? How about the places which have both paper towels and air dryers and place the waste bin full of wet paper towels directly under the air dryer, for added dispersion joy.

    3. Richard 12 Silver badge

      Re: air dryers - ugh

      Indeed. The heat in a hot-air dryer isn't to dry your hands, it's to destroy the interesting things floating in the atmosphere.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: air dryers - ugh

        The high-speed air dryers don't have heaters as far as I can tell. They stay cold unless run longer than the standard time so it's likely only waste heat from the motor that eventually warms up the air and certainly not hot enough to kill any bugs festering inside them.

  26. handleoclast


    There are places with unisex bogs. No urinals, just a bog-standard toilet. Some of those places with unibogs require male staff to put the seat down after use. Even if there are several men and only one woman (who comes in part time on random days) so that far more people are inconvenienced and discommoded by the requirement than are commoded by it. I'm not making that up, because I've worked in such a place.

    It's always the women who complain if the seat is not in the right position for them. Men (in general) are capable of noticing the position of the seat, figuring out what they want to do and then adjusting the seat accordingly (and without complaint). Women apparently are not, going by the number of times I've read of women complaining that not only was the seat left up but that they did not notice and ended up sitting on cold porcelain. How brain-dead do you have to be not to notice? I could make a sexist joke here, but I'll refrain. I'll wait until the next paragraph to make a different and better one.

    Anyway, women always complain about men and the toilet seat. There's no pleasing them. They complain when you leave the toilet seat up. They complain when you put the toilet seat down and piss all over it.

    1. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: Unibogs

      If you're going to piss all over the seat, lifting it just means you're going to piss on the porcelain.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Unibogs

      My wife drives me mad with this.

      She just will not put the seat back down.

    3. Rattus Rattus

      Re: Unibogs

      My approach to situations like that is to always passively-aggressively close the lid as well as the seat.

  27. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken
  28. GrumpenKraut Silver badge

    Don't put your...

    > Don't put your knob in a cheese grater. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't run with scissors.

    Thanks for brightening my day! ---------->

  29. Mr Dogshit


    The hand dryer in the shit hole I work in has been out of order for two weeks. Apparently someone has ordered a part for it. I offered to go down to Screwfix, get a replacement dryer and fit it, which I reckon would take no more than an hour, but oh no. Health & Effeciency won't allow that.

    1. Richard 12 Silver badge

      Actually its the Gubberment.

      Labour, to be precise.

      After an MP's daughter got electrocuted when she drilled into a wall in her kitchen and hit an unexpected electric cable (the cable was in a stupid place), they banned anyone from doing any electrical work in bathrooms and kitchens unless they have a note from their local council saying they can, or get a council jobsworth to look at it afterwards and complain that they used the wrong shade of white insulation.

      You can change a bulb, or a socket for one of the same type, but that's about it. Swapping out a dryer is questionable, so no company dares risk it.

      1. Spamfast

        Re: Actually its the Gubberment.

        Cobblers, twonk.

        It was Mary Wherry the daughter of a Lib Dem MP not Labour. And it wasn't while she was doing DIY - it was shoddy work by the contractor that exposed live wiring to a metal surface.

        Show some respect and check your facts before spouting.

        (Oh, and despite your "health and safety gone mad" subtext, you can do more or less what you like in your own home, provided you're not creating a risk to others. You're just not allowed to sell it to someone else or claim on the insurance if it all falls to bits unless you've had it certified by an appropriate professional.)

        1. Richard 12 Silver badge

          Re: Actually its the Gubberment.

          I note that you have not understood the regulation or my post.

          The wire was in a stupid place and so was damaged by a drill when her husband drilled into the wall.

          - Yes I did forget that it was her partner who had screwed into the wire. Doesn't make much difference, the cause was the same - DIYer drilled into a wire that was in a stupid place.

          I explicitly avoided giving names because that feels like victim blaming - and both were victims. I'm paranoid about wires in walls, most people are not.

          I do not blame her parent either. They were distraught! Of course they would demand the Something Be Done! It's the Government of the day who did the foolish thing.

          Labour were in power. Labour were the ones who wrote and passed a very bad regulation as a kneejerk overreaction to a tragedy.

          The lib dems were not in power, they did not pass it.

          Part P is terrible - even by their own figures it was hoped to prevent one incident a year. It probably hasn't come close to that, though that can't be proven as it's such a low rate to begin with. UK electrical safety is and was extremely good.

          It has not solved the problem because it's simply created a spate of cowboys with Part P "certification" who have no understanding of electricity, they're doing it by rote.

          And worse, those who do the work anyway and either issue a fake cert. or none, leaving homeowners in real trouble several years later.

          As to the idea that you can do what you like - afraid not.

          If you cannot get buildings insurance, you cannot get a mortgage, and the bank can even foreclose you.

          If you cannot sell or rent out a property, the property has zero value.

          Thus Part P does prevent you, in the same way that very large fines do. Same as the other buildings regs in fact, most of which are very sensible - even the very prescriptive ones.

          Yes, lots of people ignore it. Lots of people ignore speed limits as well, and it's rare to get caught either way - but the penalties if you are caught are very severe.

          They only tend to end up in trouble when trying to sell, and suddenly have a large cost dumped on them to get it "fixed" rapidly - even though the actual installation is usually perfectly fine, just the paperwork is missing or incomplete.

          Yours, a former specialist industrial electrician, who has seen rather too many shoddy installations in their time.

  30. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "these makeshift, wipe-clean signs"


  31. J. Cook Silver badge

    Internet connected toilets- that would really by the Internet of S#&t, then.

    I'll show myself out...

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why not just put a sticker on the hand dryer?

    That's just as good of an ad for something people will see for only five seconds or so (assuming it is one of the good hand dryers that blows like a jet engine to dry quickly) there's little point in moving video.

    And if you are putting a sticker on the hand dryer, why not on the door, the wall, the inside door of the toilet, on the mirror, on the countertop, and on the ceiling in case someone looks up to avoid ads coming at him from every direction?

    If some really thinks an ad on the hand dryer is going to pay the cost of the video screen and electricity to run it, surely ads all over the room will be even more profitable if they don't have the cost of video screens?

    When you want to change the ad, just wait for someone to peel the sticker off because its there, or put a new sticker over the old one? Unsightly, you say? Pretty sure that video screen will be unsightly from people shaking their hands as they approach the dryer and having it cleaned with the same rag that was used to wipe down the mirror, countertop and sinks!

  33. BlokeOnMotorway

    That first video...

    Stuart Copeland?

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: That first video...

      Yes, it's Stuart Copeland. I hoped someone would identify the Curved Air connection.

  34. Unicornpiss Silver badge

    Come give a seminar where I work..

    ..we have all the insanity you like, from the proprietary tablet sign-in system at our front desk written by an intern that left for greener pastures 5 minutes after he was done coding it, to the cranky A/V systems that IT was never consulted on when they were spec'd and installed.

    We do have nice clean bathrooms too. (and I'm grateful for the autoflush feature in them) I love watching someone come out of a stall after apparently birthing the Antichrist in there, and "wash" their hands for about 1.5 seconds. (all you've accomplished is to give the germs some nice hydration that they need to prosper and be happy)

    As a side note, the best sign I've heard of in a bathroom is a large placard over the sink, which states "Think!" to one and all. And someone obligingly responded by scrawling "Thoap!" over the soap dispenser.

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

      Re: Come give a seminar where I work..

      Low flow toilets.

      We have them at work. Autoflush, too. Very nice. Except for the small problem that, to "clear" the bowl, it now takes 3-5 flushes, where in the other (not yet improved) toilets which have standard flow (ka-WHOOOSH!) flushers, one flush and it's ready for the next customer.

  35. Spamfast


    I thought you were from this side of the puddle, Mr Dabbs?

    What's all this talk of the "washroom"? I don't generally go to said facility to wash. Washing is a consequence of the main activity, except for certain hygiene-challenged blokes. (Worth remembering when you spot one - don't shake his hand and avoid the finger buffet if he's been there first.)

    Anyway, in east-of-the-Atlantic anglophone lands we say "toilet" or "WC" (*) if we're being polite. Or earthier more specific terms in non-squeamish company.

    I grant you "washroom" is slightly better than the ridiculous American usage "bathroom". ("Excuse me. Where is the bathroom in this restaurant?" Huh?)

    But really, come on. Do you also tell your mates you're off to "powder your nose" after the sixth pint of Old Horizontal?

    (*) Yes, I know that "at one's toilet" originally meant washing as well but it could at least include bodily evacuation.

  36. Dr_N Silver badge

    Won't Work In The US?

    People don't hang around long enough in US bogs, do they?

    What with them being designed by pervs with all the massive gaps above, below and at the sides of the doors on all the traps so that everyone can have a good ogle whilst you "log off".

    1. Spamfast

      Re: Won't Work In The US?

      Worried about people looking at your bits? Get over yourself.

      1. Dr_N Silver badge

        Re: Won't Work In The US?

        Isn't there's a certain type of German scatological grumble flick for people of your ilk?

  37. harmjschoonhoven

    Pissing at at the Carnegie Institution

    As late as 1955, when Margaret Burbidge, a superb observer, applied for a position at Mount Wilson , she was told that there were no toilet facilities for women on the mountain. With aplomb, she replied that she would use the bushes. Her husband, a theorist, was hired as a postdoctoral fellow at Caltech, which granted him privileges at Mount Wilson and Palomar. Astronomers looked the other way when she showed up at Mount Wilson to use her husband's allotted time on the one-hundred-inch telescope. He read books in the darkroom while she observed. (R. Florence, The Perfect Machine page 306)

  38. Kernel

    A business opportunity

    "A talking head at the bottom of the bowl selling you haemorrhoid cream?"

    I remember reading once that some of our wealthier Victorian era forebears were happy to pay extra for a crapper that had a selected politician's image inside the bowl - although a continuous orange glow from the bog could be a bit off-putting.

  39. krivine

    Happiness is...

    ... starting off the bank holiday with a Curved Air vid. (And I'm retired.)

  40. rndSheeple

    Several years back we have the video-enabled urinal

    I've actually seen a few of these, or taken a leak at rather. I think the airport in Helsinki has a few also.

    Finnish product of course, we tend to be ahead in these penis related things.

    Given the inherently secure nature of most companies self built connectivity, I am sure one could remotely cause quite a few mis-sprays.

  41. Stevie Silver badge


    "It's bad enough having to stare at the same old poster ads for travel cases, incontinence pants and erectile dysfunction while you have a slash. Now I'm going to be forced to watch a video of all three while drying off."

    Another use for Duct Tape, the universal fix-it.

    Can also be used to fix a leaking tank, improvise cushioned seating, replace missing hinges and provide a method of holding the door closed when the lock has been "misplaced".

    Always carry a reel when you go to the bog, in the bag with your industrial strength antiseptic spray with bleach, emergency soap, emergency bog paper, emergency paper towels and basic emergency plumbing tools (collapsible plunger, Stilson's self-adjusting pliers, universal flap valve kit etc).

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