back to article A non-Standards Soviet approved measure of weight? Sod off, BBC!

An eagle-eyed Reg reader has spotted a dastardly BBC attempt to muscle in on the Reg Standards Soviet’s turf – by devising a new and highly unauthorised measure of weight. In an otherwise unremarkable story from last week about construction of the Queensferry Crossing bridge between Edinburgh and Fife being completed, the Beeb …

  1. 2460 Something
    Flame

    Don't let them get away with it! Surely there must be a way to report them to their ethics committee?

    What we need are pitchforks and a witch burning! Put them inside one of their beloved 'kelpies' and throw in a match. Let justice be done! First though we must ensure that it truly is a witch we are going to burn (we're not barbarians after all), I have a duck and some scales ready to go...

  2. Steven Raith

    What rot

    Everyone knows you can only weigh Kelpies in ChildSols - a factor of the number of children it has caught, and how naughty they were in life.

    Steven R

    PS: Having been born and raised up in the Highlands (no really, look for Thrumster on Google Maps) I was told that kelpie stories (among others) were sometime used by people who were caught, er, bothering farm animals - they're shapeshifters don't you know, that pony was a beautiful woman last night! - back before the renaissance hit the far north and science and skepticism overtook religious dogma and folklore for explaining things.

    You know, around twenty years ago....

    1. Colin Millar
      Coat

      Re: What rot

      Ah - the Scottish Highlands - where men are men ......... and sheep look worried.

      1. Steven Raith

        Re: What rot

        Mate, up there, the sheep whistle in the wind.

        And not from the mouth.

        Steven "enjoy your dinner" R.

  3. Big_Boomer

    Pubes

    That's not heavy. It's only 31,818,181,818,181.81818181818181..... pubes, or nearly 32 TeraPubes.

  4. Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese Silver badge

    Outrageous

    I hope someone comes down on them like 238.0952 Jubs of bricks

  5. TheProf
    Facepalm

    Click

    The BBC technology TV programme Click used the Giraffe as a unit of measurement recently. I think it was for weight but I can't honestly remember. (Or be bothered to check out. It was the Space Special if you need to know.)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Giraffe as a unit of measurement

      Probably they were using the Schwarzschild radius of an average male adult giraffe as a unit of length

      (about 1.8 x 10^{-24}m if you must know)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Click

      I believe Giraffes are a unit of time.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Click

        Yer 'avin a giraffe, mate!

      2. Paul Kinsler Silver badge

        Re: I believe Giraffes are a unit of time.

        Well of course they are - just divide the GSL by the speed of light c to convert to time.

  6. Wade Burchette

    Well, my car gets 40 rods to the hogshead and thats the way I like it!

    1. Velv
      Headmaster

      432 gallons per mile

      1. gerdesj Silver badge

        "432 gallons per mile"

        Nice one but it does depend a bit on on which "Hogshead" you are using (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogshead)

        For that matter, if your rod is a little worn (*snigger*) - from beating the oxen ...

    2. John H Woods

      Fuel consumption

      Sorry, but I always stick to SI Units, as everybody understands those; for instance my car's fuel consumption is 5.14e-8 square metres.

    3. Crazy Operations Guy

      You should see the aviation industry, fuel is measured in so many different units depending on the situation. Tank capacity is measured in cubic meters, consumption rate is measured in kilograms, remaining fuel is measured in hours, with it all being billed in litres...

      1. Dave 32
        Pint

        Gimli Glider

        And, when you screw those calculations up, you end up with things like the "Gimli Glider":

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gimli_Glider

        Dave

      2. John H Woods

        Aviation ...

        at least those are all measures of "amount" ... shipping, being somewhat more historic, has things like a ton that's a volume (a shipping ton is 40 or 42 cubic feet depending which side of the Atlantic you're on, and a register ton is 100).

  7. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    Well, cease and desist order to the Beeb, ASAP.

    (Alternatively, deploy the helicopters.)

  8. Baldy50

    LOL you guys/gals

    Watching the footage of Doris Johnson MP this morning getting hit in the face with a mic, I wonder what the measurement/unit of force was involved, can you quantify? A salamander slap or two maybe or a whack from a cat's tail?

    Can't of been much of a force by his lack of reaction or is accustomed to big brightly coloured things regularly shoved in his face, don't really want to know BTW, just in case someone replies, please, please don't.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: LOL you guys/gals

      I wonder what the measurement/unit of force was involved, can you quantify?

      I estimate it at about one-sixth of a mic drop. In other words, about a thousandth of what he deserves.

      just in case someone replies, please, please don't.

      Silly boy. That's the last thing you should ask.

    2. Cubical Drone

      Re: LOL you guys/gals

      The correct unit for force is a Norris. As a rough guess, I would say that he experienced about .0111 of a Norris.

  9. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
    Go

    Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

    As we are speaking of weird measurements I measured out the living room with Crunchie Bars (Cash and Carry Box of 100 I think), after my tape measure dislodged itself and smacked me in the face.

    I actually found it was a good way to visualise where everything would go and recommend this method.

    What's your strangest way of measuring things.

    1. psychonaut

      Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

      i measure the internal length of my girlfriends reproductive organs with a cock.

      1. psychonaut

        Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

        soemtimes we go double avian and use a cock or two. SQQUAAAWK!

        1. psychonaut

          Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

          1 thumb down...well, you did ask

      2. Simon Harris

        Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

        Would that be a Silkie (typical weight 1.2 - 1.5kg) or a Speckled Sussex (typically 3.6 - 4.1kg), or... (insert alternative cockerel breed for your choice of innuendo) ?

        1. psychonaut

          Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

          could be an Asian Hard Feather or a plymouth rock?

          German Langshan for sausage sundays

          a Booted Bantam for valentines

      3. Trigonoceps occipitalis

        Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

        @psychonaut

        That's funny, I only use a third of my cock.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

        It turns out that they all measure one unit - that can't be right.

    2. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Whats the strangest thing you have used to measure something?

      What's your strangest way of measuring things.

      Depends on the person... women measure 9 inches differently then men measure 9 inches....

  10. Pen-y-gors

    Local measurements?

    I think that although the El Reg standards should be enforced worldwide, there is still a place in the world for local units, and the Kelpie should be allowed for use within, say, 10 leagues of the bridge.

  11. Mage Silver badge
    Linux

    takes the form of a horse or a pony.

    Sounds like a Púca not a Kelpie

    I thought a Kelpie was a Scottish / Irish were-mer-creature that looks like a seal. I never heard them described as horse like. Though Celtic myth is strong on magical fairy horses.

  12. Rich_Herds_Cats

    That's a selkie

    Given that you were connected to the internet to be able to make the post, why not just google it yourself? :)

    1. Mage Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: That's a selkie

      Sometimes I can't be bothered and like making random comments?

      My bad, It was indeed Selkies I was thinking of. Now I'll have to research Kelpies. Obviously my personal library is lacking in Scottish content.

  13. John H Woods

    "Given that you were connected to the internet to be able to make the post, why not just google it yourself? :)" --- Rich_Herds_Cats

    Can we coin a single word that means the above? I'd use it a lot!

    1. Rich_Herds_Cats

      If only there was one... I'd buy that for a dollar!

    2. Swarthy Silver badge
      Headmaster

      We could try to craft a word for that

      There is the Moderatrix's beloved "ODFO", but that is perhaps a bit broad to use as the single word for the above sentiment.

      Mayhap we could start with "LMGTFY", adding vowels and dropping contestants where necessary. It becomes "Lem-get-fy" which is perhaps a bit too heavy a word, "LEMgiffy" could work. EG: "That post was a lemgiffy; next time do some research and post facts"

  14. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    I am still quite fond of a "snailpace"

    being a furlong per fortnight, for measuring slow progress.

    Not an El Reg unit, but certainly in the same spirit

    1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      Re: I am still quite fond of a "snailpace"

      Reminds me of the microfortnight: http://www.catb.org/~esr/jargon/html/M/microfortnight.html

  15. thomn8r

    So how far is that in Smoots?

  16. bombastic bob Silver badge

    furlongs per fortnight

    it was mentioned in one of Murphy's Laws.

  17. Blofeld's Cat

    Er ...

    Isaac Asimov proposed the "Helen" as a measure of beauty.

    One millihelen being sufficient beauty to launch a single ship.

    1. Aaiieeee
      Pirate

      Re: Er ...

      A discussion at work raised the question of a negative scale since 0mH suggests indifference, whereas -500mH would mean you scuttle half your fleet in an attempt to avoid mounting a rescue.

  18. MrDamage Silver badge

    First offence.

    I do believe that a Wegtuwian thwowing them to the gwound, woughly, would suffice as a fiwst wawning

  19. Big-nosed Pengie

    That's not a kelpie

    This is a kelpie.

    http://justusdogs.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Australian-Kelpie.jpg

  20. Glenturret Single Malt

    unit of slowness

    I have a friend who is renowned for his slow but steady pace of ascent when hill walking. His surname has become the standard unit of slowness among his circle of friends (but with the first letter in lower case, of course).

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Other stories you might like

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2022