back to article Police pull up van man engaged in dual carriageway sex act

A randy van man faces three points or a driver education course after he and a female passenger were nabbed in flagrante while whizzing down the A3 at Guildford in Surrey, England, yesterday. Surrey police appear to be conducting a crackdown at the moment on drivers using their mobes while driving. However, we presume a …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    This is the real killerapp of self-driving cars.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      Killer for sure

      Out of all possible things you may be doing the moment the autopilot disengages and sounds the alarm this one will probably take the longest to react adequately and get back in control of the vehicle.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Killer for sure

        "the moment the autopilot disengages "

        If it requires a meatbag to take over, then it's not a proper self-driving car.

      2. Chemical Bob

        Re: Killer for sure

        "Out of all possible things you may be doing the moment the autopilot disengages and sounds the alarm this one will probably take the longest to react adequately and get back in control of the vehicle."

        Shirley, explosive diarrhea would have a longer reaction time...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: killerapp of self-driving cars.

      Years ago I worked for a company with a fairly generous company car scheme, and one of the things on it was that if you wanted an auto version, the company would pay the difference rather than it coming out of your budget. When the fleet manager asked what I wanted I let him know the model, he looked it up and noticed their was an auto option.

      "Do you want the auto?"

      To which I replied

      "Does that mean it'll drive me home from the pub when I'm pissed?"

      I'd have thought this was even more of a killer app, but I'll grant it's a close run thing.

    3. TheVogon

      "Not the first time we've come across this, say cops"

      Presumably the same is true for the van man...

      1. JimboSmith Silver badge

        Walking home one summer morning (12:30am) after a small night out my route took me past a local Green. One of the streetlights was out and I realised that this meant that one part of the Green was much darker than the rest. I thought nothing else of it until from the dark I heard a woman say (a bit too loudly) "Stop, stop there's a stone going up my bum".

        Moving in a bit closer I realised that there were two young lovebirds enjoying a bit of a bonk al fresco. Pretending not to notice and moved on but when I got home I realised that I probably should have said something. Wouldn't have commented on their performance but might have told them they were in the fenced off area set aside for dogs to run off the leash and have a crap etc.

        Also the police station isn't too far from there and patrol vehicles do pass by all the time.....Evening all.

  2. RIBrsiq

    The most important feature on self-driving cars...?

    Tinted windows!

    For everyone sake!!

  3. Your alien overlord - fear me

    Nice how if you follow the 'public sex site' link, they tell you the current known diggng sites. Not sure if it's to encourage 'visitors' or keep people away !!

    1. Tom 7

      diggng sites?

      Bring back Time Team and down the shirt shots!

  4. Tom 7

    "This isn't the first (or probably the last) time, we've come across this"

    Surely joining in will make it harder (?) to get a prosecution?

  5. Dan 55 Silver badge

    Not surprised

    Surrey has nothing but Tory MPs. What do you expect if you've got Hammond, Greyling, Gove, and Hunt roaming round there with stockings, bin bags, and oranges in the boots of their cars. Allegedly. I don't know, but that's what people are saying.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Not surprised

      Tories are easily influenced by Druidic Fertility Spells?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That bastard lied to me

    This van is an automatic!

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Distracted and not in proper control?

    "a driver was seen to be driving while distracted and not in proper control of his vehicle"

    I'd like to see that one go to court and demand such an assertion to be backed by proper scientific evidence. Could have been a mere "meh" event for all we know, so facts must be established and it depends on the driver and the, er, Hands-on person if it was more of a distraction than lighting a cigarette which is still permitted.

    Pics and facts, that's what we want.

    Actually, no, keep the pics. Happy to help with the research, of course..

    1. Lee D Silver badge

      Re: Distracted and not in proper control?

      What makes you think lighting a cigarette is permitted by law?

      Hint: It's not. But you might "get away" with it.

      Nor are even "hands-free" phones any more.

      Anything you're doing while driving, that isn't necessary for driving, can be construed as driving without due care. Adjusting the radio is the classic one. Only one hand on the wheel (except as necessary to change gear). Putting on sunglasses.

      The only thing is that discretion normally applies and they often overlook it.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Distracted and not in proper control?

        yet the Plod get away with it every time they get behind the wheel. They don't even have hands free radios.

        As far as I know, unless they are operating under a blue light they are subject to the same laws as us mnions so why is it allowed for them to have an SOP that requires them to take one hand off the steering wheel possibly dozens of times in a shift.

        Oh, and the Guildford Bypass is a place to avoid between 06:00-09:30 (northbound) and 15:00-19:00 (Southbound) Monday to Friday. I'd soon need a bypass operation if I had to use it to get to work.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Distracted and not in proper control?

          Actually anon I believe PTT radio is exempt from the mobile devices ban.

    2. Geoffrey W

      Re: Distracted and not in proper control?

      Pics, or more likely videos, are probably already up on some site, under the title "BUSTED! LOL!"

    3. Richard 12 Silver badge

      Re: Distracted and not in proper control?

      As it was a van, smoking in it is quite probably illegal.

      It is illegal to smoke in the workplace.

      A company owned or hired van being driven to or from a job is a workplace - plenty of case law.

      And yes, that does mean that it's illegal for a self-employed person to smoke in their own van.

  8. TitterYeNot


    "The cops said any previous driving offences will be taken into account and he will be issued three points and a £100 fine, or he will have to attend a driver education course."

    He was also given a fixed penalty notice of £75 for fly-tipping, as he was deemed guilty of the offence of spilling his load on the public highway.

    When asked for a statement under caution, all the passenger in the vehicle could add was 'Mmmfph mmmpfh mmmpfh'...

    1. quxinot

      Re: Fly-tipping

      You'd think that'd be really easy to catch.

      Look for the guy hitting every pothole....

      1. Stumpy

        Re: Fly-tipping

        Look for the guy hitting every pothole....

        You obviously don't come from/visit Surrey very often. It would be easier to catch the driver that's actually able to miss the bloody things.

        1. grumpyoldeyore

          Re: Fly-tipping



  9. Korev Silver badge

    I bet they felt Surrey for themselves after they'd been pulled over

  10. Dwarf

    If they don't get discharged, then she is in for some hard time in chokey.

  11. CheeseTriangles
    Thumb Up

    Offensive passenger?

    Surely the passenger is "assisting" the driver in the commission of the offence? Isn't that aiding & abetting? Did the passenger also get a fixed penalty ticket?

    IANAL, but I wonder if the passenger could have ended up with three penalty points on their licence if a ticket had been issued? It seems harsh to let the driver take all the blame...

    The van driver wouldn't have been caught if he'd pulled off at the previous slip-road.

    1. Geoffrey W

      Re: Offensive passenger?

      Surely the passenger is the sole miscreant here, since the driver would be unable to release the wheel to stop her since that would be driving not at all. Poor helpless chap.

  12. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    Obligatory: Titus S01-E09 - Episode Eleven*

    * Yes, "Episode Eleven" was scheduled as the eleventh episode, but broadcast in slot number nine. And for some reason they chose not to use the working title which was "The Fellatio Incident".

  13. Daedalus


    It's nice to know the Fuzz is heavily involved in important things rather than, say, burglaries in progress being observed by the frantic owner of the business being burgled via his security cameras. It's becoming apparent that the UK police are, like most organizations in said sad land, bureaucratic jobsworths who prefer picking off easy targets rather than doing their job.

    1. Thomas 6

      Re: Priorities

      Quite frankly, the police have their priorities entirely correct here.

      Burglary - potential damage to, and loss of, property

      Dangerous driving - potential loss of life

      I know which I'd rather have the police focus on (not exclusively)

      1. Dave 15

        Re: Priorities

        Yeah, put that way it sounds reasonable. Are there stats to show how many people have been killed because of sex acts in the car, compared to say those killed by police practicing chasing people, or maybe for your example burglars killed attempting to break and enter unoccupied businesses?

        True lots of things are dangerous and could lead to loss of life, doesn't mean we have to try and legislate or ban everything from existence. Being born leads to death... always.

    2. Seajay#

      Re: Priorities

      Firstly, compare like with like. The police pulled this guy over because he drove right past them. If someone burgled a business right in front of them would the police have acted? Obviously yes. Conversely, if someone had frantically phoned in a description of this act, would the police have dropped what they were doing and blue-lighted over, probably not.

      Secondly, I'm not so sure that these are the wrong priorities. Distracted driving kills quite a lot of people. Burglaries of unattended businesses do not.

      1. Daedalus

        Re: Priorities

        Sooner or later burglaries that are not acted upon do lead to loss of life, as inevitably property owners will find ways to make sure that burglars lose theirs. The police of course will have no hesitation in prosecuting at that point...

  14. Nolveys

    Letting Bulls Run Wild...

    And that's how the hamlet of Puttenham came to be plagued by not only perverted humans but by perverted bulls as well.

  15. Medical Cynic

    This can have disastrous consequences if the lack of attention causes a crash.

    Presumably risk of choking for the 'other half', too.

  16. Demosthenese

    I'll just leave this here...

    youtube world according to garp accident

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