Reg man 0: Japanese electronic toilet 1 Dear reader, I am in a state of shock and horror. That’s right - I have attempted to use a Japanese electric toilet in the manner for which it was designed. I fear my rear may never recover. Your correspondent is currently in Tokyo for Huawei’s Mobile Broadband Forum 2016 and is staying in an excellent, if, for the purposes of …
We have one, but in our own bedroom, not for the use of guests. When one of our children came to stay recently she decided to investigate. She came downstairs with water all down her and announced "I've found out what the remote control on your loo does. Don't worry, I've cleaned up the water."
"But if that really - ahem - floats your boat - ahem - then buy a bidet."
I guess you live in the US. In the UK (more so in Japan) many bathrooms are too small for a bidet. We had one till we wanted a bigger shower, and something had to go. Eliminating an appliance saves pn space and cleaning.
Eliminating an appliance saves pn space and cleaning.
Crank up the pressure and the electric toothbrush can go too :).
I must admit that the complexity of these interfaces puzzles me. Wouldn't it be simpler to make a "1" and a "2" button, possibly adorned with some explanatory graphic graphics? Maybe the luxury version could add turbo buttons recycled from 90s PCs for the more challenging work instead of simply running the relevant, but for the moment it appears more a Microsoft interface than an Apple one, so to speak, although I don't want to speculate where the ribbon would feature :).
How in the world is having a separate bidet better than building that functionality into the toilet which is already taking up space and already has the connection to the sewer line? Though I have an ahem 'bog standard' toilet, I have seen bidet seats that can retrofit onto almost any toilet for $250 and up. Surely installing a bidet costs more than that, when you consider the additional plumbing work, even if you have the space. If you lived in a mansion with a bathroom larger than the typical living room and money is no object I still can't see any reason whatsoever why you'd want a standalone bidet!
One problem with the retrofit bidet seat is that for the IMHO non-negotiable functions like heating the water it is spraying most people would need a new electric line run as it isn't common to have an outlet next to your toilet. At least not in the US. I suppose if you were some sort of neanderthal OK with ice cold water (or living in such a tropical locale that tap water is lukewarm year round) a very simple model could be made to cost less than $50, with a mechanically operated on/off valve.
Once you have electricity run anyway I guess you might as well have a heated seat, though a blow dryer might be taking things just a bit too far!
We bought a house that had one fitted (the pump recently failed, without which it won't even flush, $500 later...) There's a pressure sensor in the seat somewhere so that getting up seems to cut off all water spraying activity so it's clearly better behaved than some models.
It can be very useful the day after a really good curry.
Not covered in stale piss?
Perhaps the control panel should be at shoulder height (when sat) near to the toilet roll dispenser. However, not being familiar with Japanese toileting culture, perhaps Japanese males sit to urinate, on a level with the toilet rim a few centimetres to the left could be perfect.
@TRT "Gotta have Bluetooth".
Bluetooth is an absolutely necessity* so it can connect to the corresponding App (now available in the App Store and Google Play) that allows you to track how many times you visit the khazi, what you do, how much you did, how long it took, the consistency and so on. Then you can upload all the stats to our cloud servers (see the "privacy policy") and use them to play "Top Trumps" with your friends!
* This isn't entirely fantasy - TOH has a Braun electric toothbrush with Bluetooth probably for downloading a whole pile of useless brushing stats that result in some oddly contrived targeted ads. Sometimes I'm staggered beyond words.
Bluetooth? Arse-wiping is definitely something to be done remotely via my phone, but I want mine connecting to the internet, with full data upload to the cloud so that "analytics" can be done on methane levels, shit density, klingon count and optimized hot water usage.
After all, an IoT crapper is the perfect host for a bot net...
I want mine connecting to the internet, with full data upload to the cloud so that "analytics" can be done on methane levels, shit density, klingon count and optimized hot water usage.
And somehow one could wish that NSA and GHCQ decided to "check" your upload. Bwahahahahaha
@Tachikoma
Dunno why someone downvoted you, you're correct after all, they piss wherever they are against anything that stands still long enough.
As an ex-pat who lives in Japan here is a piece of free advice for travellers - Ignore ALL buttons on a toilet (they're shiny and tempting I know but you do not want to go there). Wipe your ass with the provided paper, flush, leave it at that and be thankful that you found an actual porcelain throne instead of one of the oval holes in the ground known as a "squat toilet".
I despise the ones that start playing elevator music when you sit on them, they don't disguise any grunts or splashes so why? Why must they make everything play godawful music at you or start talking to you in gibberish when you near them? I like my inanimate objects to be dumb thanks, next they'll be connected to the interwebs IoT's style screaming for all the world to see "Hey! Just had a Gaijin dump a kaiju sized load!! Click here for instagram pics and schoolgirl panties!!!"
Japan is fu©king weird, but also awesome.
Exactly. Urine is highly corrosive and will sooner or later ruin everything in the splash zone. Radiators, fittings, tiles, joint sealer... even stainless steel and concrete.
Sources:
1. Cleaning toilets in an army barracks for 3 months.
2. 30+ years in civil engineering, including redevelopment, FM, management of tenements, office blocks, schools, etc.
Seriously guys - sit down. (I assume today smartphones and tablets have more of an impact towards this than anything else that's been tried before.) Oh, and while we're at it: wash your fucking hands when you're done, okay? If I feel like touching your junk, by proxy or otherwise, I'll just ask.
My 2c since I live in Tokyo.
You wont find these in public bathrooms often, and in the gents that are public there are almost always urinals too. Some units do indeed have the remote buttons installed higher near the bogroll (which makes finding them difficult sometimes when pissed).
The heated water is heated and stored locally in the cistern unit, so no, this hack didn't deprive anyone else of hot water.
The seatwarmer function is awesome in winter time.
Probably a good thing this hack didn't push the button with the (female) human face on it.
You got away lightly: A friend of mine was due to give a speech of thanks to her Japanese hosts after a stint of teaching English when she made a trip to the bog. She pushed the wrong button, and the toilet retracted into the wall and a shower head soaked her to the skin. She had to give her speech with her silk blouse stuck to her skin.
Technology aside, the product designers Seymour and Powell revealed in the late nineties series 'Designs on your [toilet]' that the Japanese test the flushing system toilet in a more rigorous and sensible way than we do. UK toilets are tested with standard speheres, whereas the Japanese test the flush with hand-rolled foodstuffs to better simulate what the toilet will have to deal with in the real world.
It was also toilet design that led to Jony Ive leaving the UK for California:
'Tangerine had a consultancy contract with the bathroom-fittings company to design a toilet. I was there when Jony made an excellent presentation to this guy who was wearing a red nose because it was Comic Relief day. This clown then decided to throw his weight around and pulled apart Jony’s design. It was ridiculous. Britain lost Jony Ive then and there.’ - Clive Grinyer
All I can say is "Been there, done that".
Yes the transforming bathroom and the *Oh God What Just Happened* tube squirting water everywhere. There's also the vibrating massage function, the blast of hot air drying your rear, the differentially heated seat, the traditional style toilet that emerges from a shell in the floor when you stand in the wrong place in a room ....
Lets just say that Japan can be a remarkably startling place for anyone from the west with an engineer's mentality of "oh, lets see what this button does" and no patience for asking advice beforehand..
(bring a change of clothes, just in case)
I think I'll hold my nose and stick to the pit toilets seen in national parks in remote areas.
At least there, there's rarely a surprise… unless Slim Newton has been around…
"I think I'll hold my nose and stick to the pit toilets seen in national parks in remote areas."
The least smelly toilet I ever encountered was in a national park of a former Iron Curtain country. The loo shed was literally built out on girders from the side of the cliff. The toilet had a hole in the bottom from which you could see the river several hundred feet below. There was a box for used paper. I did not go down to the river to see if there were warning signs (and I don't know the Slavonic for "High speed crap may descend without warning" anyway.)
"I think I'll hold my nose and stick to the pit toilets seen in national parks in remote areas. At least there, there's rarely a surprise."
Rarely, yes, but this once was enough for a lifetime. The tank was about half full, and very liquid. Have you ever watched the fluid dynamics of something falling into water? You know how Improbable does not mean Impossible? This time the splash reached up and scored a solid hit, an anti-bidet if you will. I shrieked in horror and nearly scrubbed my own ass off trying to get clean.
Already been done, and there's already a vulnerability. It does require Bluetooth and to be reasonably close but it's one way to cause mischief from the next cubicle.
Damn you beat me to stating the obvious too. That would have been my first thought in this situation. :o
Also - I would imagine it would be possible to google an English translation of Japanese techno-bogs.
@Author; Was this a 'Washlet' toilet? They even have an interactive guide in English...
http://www.toto.co.jp/en/gtjt/washlet/
...not to mention the same source easily reveals one of the buttons (with the visible "8" on it) says "Off for 8 hours" (presumably to save some electricity at night). That kinda explains the "everything just turned off" thing isn't is. Oh, and the very first button (with a "vaguely" familiar square symbol, no idea where else I saw it) reads plainly "STOP"...
While that control panel looks a little less pictorial than you usually see, it's nothing that common sense and Google Translate can't explain to you these days.
Of course if you're actually defeated by simple technology, rather than going on a hunt for a "conventional toilet", you could just leave the damn buttons alone.
A middle eastern office loo - standard row of standard cubicles. A bit too skimpy-USA-style for my liking but needs must when nature calls - and it was, urgently.
Sat down, reset the intestines to factory fresh and looked for the loo paper - there was none, not even an empty holder. There was however a standard shower attachment on a flexi-pipe with hot and cold taps. I had one, slightly used, paper tissue in my pockets.
You don't have to be a luddite to long for home comforts.
My mother had the some experience on a holiday to Japan 3 years ago. We were in a large shopping mall in Tokyo and she popped into the toilets whilst I waited outside for her. 20 minutes later (and after a large number of other women entered and exited successfully) she emerged red faced. She had done the exact same thing, leaving her trousers drenched! A lady in the cubicle next to her heard her shrill squeal of panic and (without either of them knowing a word of each other's languages) helped her dry off with towels and hand dryers. Needless to say, she never touched the buttons on any other toilet like that again...
“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.”
― Terry Pratchett
Starting from the bottom up (sorry I had to):
Button (停止) --> Stop
Button (おしり) --> Water spray to clean your bum
Button (ムーブ) --> Have the spray move in a forward and backwards manner
Button (ビデ) --> Bidet
Button (弱) --> Weaken the water spray
Button (強) --> Strengthen the water spray
The other buttons you don't really need to know or touch.
General advice is to set the water spray strength to minimum for normal business and strongest for when you want an enema to help things move forward.
There is no dryer on this washlet and your hotel's model is a fairly cheap.
Now you are equipped with the requisite knowledge, give it another go.
The stop button is the one with a red square on it, like the stop buttons on every other device in the world.
Also, why do you think it's normal to clean your bottoms with dry pieces of paper? You don't clean your crockery or kitchens or windows or cars or faces or feet with nothing but dry paper!
If a restaurant served you a meal cooked with equipment that had only ever been cleaned with kitchen roll and served on plates with cutlery that had likewise never seen water you'd call the health inspectors!
Yet you fumble blindly with a thin piece of tissue on your grubbiest of holes and think it's normal, you savages!
When we ran out of tracing paper, I offered to fetch some as I knew were it was.
My teacher was very pleased with the supply I brought, until he heard I got it from the toilets.
Obviously they had high-class tissue in the staff toilets.
The pupil toilets were old stables or milking stalls or something like that.
Memories of the Izal toilet paper that was non-tissue and distinctly uncomfortable to use. Apparently people still buy it.
Ah, Izal. I remember it from the facilities in a public park when I was much younger. Each sheet was printed with the words "Government Property". As if anyone would steal it.
Memories of the Izal toilet paper that was non-tissue and distinctly uncomfortable to use. Apparently people still buy it.
Really? I thought only my Gran ever bought that, and she died 30 years ago.
Izal fitted the faciltiies at my grandparents' house perfectly well. It was an outside toilet. In Yorkshire. I think they did it to discourage people from staying for the weekend in winter.
Most of us assume it's never going to be all that clean regardless, and so we're not going to be touching it or expecting anyone else to. So the main priorities are to keep our undergarments as unmarked as possible and to avoid the shame of smelling in any noticeable way for the rest of the day. Paper is adequate for this.
I wouldn't have dared to press any of those buttons, not just because of blind ignorance of the effects but I do wonder about the cleanliness of any water originating from within a toilet. Eww.
I personally prefer to augment the cleaning process with a little warm water, when possible. But perhaps this paper would do a better job: Best Paper?
I think it is Horses for courses.
Few people eat from assholes, most use plates.
And, a dishwasher is kinda like that toilet, with the drying feature added that is.
As a previous poster said, the best way for the 'daily' users is to go soon before exercise, shower, whatever and be nice and clean in case you are knocked down by a car and go to hospital.
"If a restaurant served you a meal cooked with equipment that had only ever been cleaned with kitchen roll and served on plates with cutlery that had likewise never seen water you'd call the health inspectors!"
I generally don't allow people to eat out my arse... I also don't pressure hose down the kitchen or dining table every time we dirty them, I use kitchen towel / spray.
I'm fancy anyway, I use dry to wipe, then a single moist/fragranced (flushable wet wipes) to have a last clean.
(flushable wet wipes)
Which are provably, not flushable.. (well, they are in the sense that yes, they will disappear down the pan. But they don't degrade like toilet paper and are directly responsible for a lot of the sewer blockages in residental areas. Not helped by the fatbergs left by people tipping cooking oil down the sink..)
This reminds me of my occasional dreams about toilets, no doubt one of these will now appear in one.
Searching on toilet dreams usually mentions all sort of bullshit, but of course it means you need the loo.
Like in a big building and EVERY toilet is flooded.
Saw a pyramid with a public convenience at the top, got there after a long climb and it was - closed.
Luckily I have never found a usable one in a dream.
<--------------------------------------
Two toilets with a yellow shared flush
"Luckily I have never found a usable one in a dream."
I have - but fortunately not after the waking point where muscle inhibition is removed.
What is interesting is that none of the toilets seem to be recognisable as places I have known - although the fittings are familiar. They are always communal conveniences - and never any sign of the handy bushes that feature in country walks. Probably linked to my bladder problems that make going to unknown locations a worry in case there are no public conveniences.
Several years ago a trip to Crystal Palace became a fruitless search for a public convenience. The council's "you are here" map showed three. One was derelict, the other was obliterated by a new supermarket, and the third was in a park but only open in the summer.
I've never had a toilet dream involving #2, but occasionally #1. There is often something preventing me from finding a toilet, and when I do there are often issues like it is full or smells terrible or there's a lot of unknown fluid on the floor around it so I have to pee from a distance. Sometimes I can't overcome the obstacles and never go, other times I do manage to go. I've never peed the bed from peeing in my dreams.
I've found the real problem with peeing in my dreams is that since it is because I need to go for real, it doesn't cure the need in my dreams either. Nothing worse than dreaming you're peeing - especially if you had to overcome a lot of obstacles to do so - and then immediately needing to go again and having to overcome even more obstacles hoping for a return visit until the urge is finally great enough to wake me up!
"Without warning this caused a jet of hot water to shoot, well, directly up the old cigar clipper."
...the Patent 'Typhoon' Superior Indoor Ablutorium with Automatic Soap Dish to me!
Given that the 'tap' that produces the water jets and the air vents are in a place that is extremely likely to be in frequent contact with faeces and urine, and given that said vents and water jets have mobile parts and (ehemm) orifices -where bacteria and organic matter can accumulate and reproduce- ...
...Are these Japanese toilets really more hygienic than standard crappers? To me these high-tech toilets sound a bit like the stick in a water bucket that the ancient Romans used and shared in public toilets instead of loo roll. As other fellow commentards suggested, a bidet or even a fast shower would be far better than these Japanese technological wonders.
IMO -though I could be wrong- these toilets are a solution in search of a problem, that -as is usually the case- can/will cause more problems, like, e.g. having your eggs parboiled and your "old cigar clipper" *slightly burnt.
*The icon is for the whole article, but I'd like to add two or three more "thumbs up" for this expression. :-D
"Given that the 'tap' that produces the water jets and the air vents are in a place that is extremely likely to be in frequent contact with faeces and urine, and given that said vents and water jets have mobile parts and (ehemm) orifices -where bacteria and organic matter can accumulate and reproduce"
They are designed not to have crevices and they have an auto clean cycle after every use.
The toilet should have an air-gap between its cistern and the incoming water supply, to protect the rest of your house's outlets from cross-contamination. This is often a problem with the shower hoses that are fitted next to toilets - and because they're on a common water system, often on the floor above the kitchen sink, they're a serious backflow risk. Back-siphonage if dropped in the toilet bowl. You hope that the installer at least spends £5 on a double check valve, which is illegal but mostly effective. There's at least one WC sold in the UK that complies with the water regulations - I seem to recall they're about £6,000 though.
The nozzles are then recessed under the seat/rim, so that you don't pee on them or if you're really trying manage to balance a flying poo on them.
When you're finished they then pop out and wash your front and/or back - and then pop back away again, and have a self-cleaning thing. Don't know if they only clean with water, or have a bleach tank though. Plus optional air-dryers.
We designed a unit to retrofit for hoses for a large hotel, and comply with the regs. Got to have warm water on your bum too, so it's quite big with all the stuff you have to cram in the cabinet. But nobody wants a cold bum, however clean...
Yep, even the flush button is on that touchscreen. Which is awkward if you don't spot it when you go into a bathroom for the first time - "I know it's here somewhere, people are going to think I'm going #2 if I don't find it and get out of the bathroom soon". Turns out it was on the wall facing the toilet, which you'd only notice once you sat down. If you just visited for No 1, it wasn't in your sight...
Here you go: smart toilet seats for every taste. Make sure to choose a Samsung, their battery operated models have this new ultrafast drying function.
A guy is flying from London to New York and half way across is desperate for the lav but their a queue for the blokes, so he begs the stewardess to all him to the use the ladies, she says yes but say that you must not push the buttons!
he goes in and does his business and being a geek cant resist the temptation of the forbidden buttons.
the first marked wash gives a rather surprising squirt of warm water, the second marked dry turns on a blast of warm air, finally the the button marked A.T.R. at this his world folds into a a black hole of agony in his crotch and mercifully he faints.
On awakening he feels groggy and can hear the beeping of hospital equipment looking around he confirms his place in a bed which has the stewardess from the plane sat next to it, looking rather miffed she says : you just couldn't leave the buttons alone could you, the final button was the Automatic Tampon Remover! your willy is under the pillow.
It might be an old one, but it's still funny.
The version I know has an extra button, and the buttons are labelled "WW" (for warm wash), "BD" (for blow dry), "PP" (for powder puff), and finally ATR ...
The mind boggles as what the icon for the last one would like like if they tried to do pictorial icons ...
You have to be half cut on sake first, then through the power of alcohol fuelled translatory powers the buttons start to make sense. At least, that's been my experience.
Though never, ever use one in the airport departure lounge just prior to the flight. There in lies potential sogginess and great and enduring woe.
The one at my parents-in-law packed up once causing an impromptu water feature, no end of chaos and family distress and required the services of a highly qualified toilet technician. Imagine that as a job title - Senior Bog-Tech.
I can claim some standing in this area as I live in Japan and own of those washlets. They are awesome and easy to operate once you know the Japanese for "arse" and "stop". It is the only way to feel really clean if you are squeezing out a slow shit the day after eating an extra spicy tantanmen.
Every home should have one.
" With little shelves in them to catch various items."
Is that little shelf still the standard toilet bowl in Germany?
IIRC In "Fear of Flying" (1973) Erica Jong made the comment that when travelling in Germany there was a pervasive smell - owing to the toilet design and the use of pig manure on fields.
"IIRC In "Fear of Flying" (1973) Erica Jong made the comment that when travelling in Germany there was a pervasive smell - owing to the toilet design and the use of pig manure on fields."
That book is not for the squeamish. Jong seemed to be fascinated by bodily function smells. It's instructive, in the way that a maintenance manual for a marine toilet is instructive but with added descriptions of sex.
"Unless it's your own toilet, there's nothing worse than sitting down on a warm toilet seat!"
Public (private) schools in the UK used to have a practice called "fagging". Senior boys would be given the privilege of having younger boys at their beck and call. Menial tasks - like putting coal on their study fire or making tea and toast. One such task was the preparatory warming of the toilet seat on a winter's morning.
A relatively modern example of the fagging system can be seen in the opening 5 minutes of Lindsay Anderson's film "IF...." (1968).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mufpDXIss5A
I couldn't resist pointing out that those suffering 'toilet tech envy' can upgrade their own standard bog to a light up in the dark one, using this simple kit.
<fx="Beavis'n'Butthead">He said 'motion activated'. Heh Heh. Heh. Heh.</fx>
A piece of string was a luxury - we only had a nail hammered in the door.
It only takes a whiff of burning paraffin to take me back to my distant childhood. Catching up on yesterday's news by the light of a paraffin lamp in the winter. The only problem was finding the continuation piece for a split article.
I have always thought that the only thing worse than a cold seat is a warm one, since that normally implies that you are a follow-on visitor...
That said, having encountered one of these beasties some years ago in a Japanese-owned hotel in Vietnam, I was left thinking that a small screen on the cubicle door running an animated instructional video might be amusing - just think of the fun one could have with the graphics!
"I was left thinking that a small screen on the cubicle door running an animated instructional video might be amusing - just think of the fun one could have with the graphics!"
I remember the Cummings factory in Pune in around 1980 had something in the toilets that was not to be found in the Glasgow one - a pictorial guide on cubicle walls on how to use a Western style toilet. Regrettably, I did not have a camera with me at the time.
You man needs to man up, or press the 弱 (weaker) button repeatedly, until he stops crying. I've purchased one for my home and it's great. Saves on expense of toilet paper and leaves me, well, much more sanitary. Mine has the hair dryer, er, blow dryer.
Don't think it's worth it? Do your business the old fashioned way, flush the toilet, check that it's clean, now use the washlet, look in bowl before flushing. Yes, disgusting.
Mine's the one that doesn't smell like poop at the rear...
The Stop button is denoted with a rectangle (■). As for the rest of the buttons, it never hurts to know a few dozen Chinese characters; 水 for water, 强大 for strong, or 弱 for weak. You could look those up (Google translator) in the time your bum gets restored to spanking clean.
1.Does the Damn thing works as intended? - Yes (go to point 5), No (go to point 1)
2.Did you Fuck with it? - Yes (go to point 3), No (go to point 4)
3.You Dumb Shit (go to point 5)
4.Don't Fuck with it (go to point 5)
5.Wip your face/ass now (go to point 6)
6.It works as intended
And I'd certainly never expect one such to be able to read the glyphs 停止, for «Stop», but even for a Reg man, that red square on the proper button should have been a giveaway. Besides, if, as he should, he had accepted his lack of technical expertise in this particular situation, he could simply have used the toilet bowl as a toilet bowl and refrained from punching any buttons....
Imagine the difficulties he would have experienced if, like your humble interlocutor, he had come to Japan in the early 1960s, when toilets were a hole in the floor lined with porcelain, and one was expected to squat to perform one's excretory functions. At that time, as I remember it, about the only generally available sit toilets in Tokyo were to be found in the Imperial Hotel....
Henri
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