back to article Birmingham sperm bank pulls plug after just a handful of recruits

The UK's only NHS sperm bank has stopped recruiting donors after a trawl for men prepared to schlep to Birmingham to make a deposit turned up a mere handful. The National Sperm Bank, based at the National Gamete Donation Trust and Birmingham Fertility Centre, at Birmingham Women's Hospital, was launched two years ago with a …

  1. Swarthy
    Thumb Up

    This is almost Guillbert & Sullivan quality

    The main thing I pulled from this article is that London (and the South-East) is populated by a bunch of Wankers.

    Nice! Although that observation my rub some the wrong way, I appreciate the effort El Reg went through to bash this one out.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: This is almost Guillbert & Sullivan quality

      The Donors of Dudley? NHS Pull-em-more? The Spunkado?

      Dear sirs, won't you fill a cup, pull it and fill a cup,

      Don't worry, we'll never tell why,

      But sirs won't you fill a cup, pull it and fill a cup,

      Sweet little fill a cup.

      I've snuff and whack-thwacky, and excellent jack-off-y,

      I've scissoring, watching, and naives;

      I've big ones, all races, coming on faces

      Of pretty young sweethearts and wives.

      I've treacle on toffee, I've cream in the coffee,

      Soft tummies and succulent cocks;

      I've choked chickens and grannies, and pretty punanies,

      And excellent pearl necklace drops.

      Then buy from these filled up cups - not dear are these little cups;

      Sailors should never be shy;

      So, buy from these filled up cups - not dear are these little cups;

      Come - are these filled up cups by!

  2. frank ly

    Missed opportunity

    "But two years on, it had only pulled in seven accredited donors – and one of them has since pulled out, according to a report on the BBC."

    Couldn't you have worked 'pulled off' into that sentence?

    1. Preston Munchensonton

      Re: Missed opportunity

      Surprised that "pulled in" wasn't "sucked in". Surely, more context appropriate, no?

    2. Mark 85

      Re: Missed opportunity

      I think it depends... "pull out" in some places is an acceptable but unreliable form of birth control. Nice play on words by BBC I thought.

    3. Alister

      Re: Missed opportunity

      It should have been:

      "Birmingham sperm bank tugged after just a handful of recruits"


      "Birmingham sperm bank shafted after just a handful of recruits"

    4. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Missed opportunity

      I think "pulled out" after two years on the job was probably quite a relief for the poor sod. Only £35 for that?

    5. paulf
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Missed opportunity

      ""Once you have a donor at least 70 per cent along the process, you have income, she said."

      I would have thought that once you have a donor 70% along the process they're almost at the vinegar strokes and a deposit is imminent?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Spelling Error

    It's spelled Wanker not Banker !

    1. Lodgie

      Re: Spelling Error

      Nah mate, it's cockney rhyming slang son.

  4. Martin Summers

    Obviously people couldn't give a toss

  5. Halcin


    The lack of success is hardly surprising. The shortage of suitable wankers started the moment a change in the law removed any guarantee of anonymity.

    1. Dazed and Confused

      Re: Anonymity

      And once the CSA realised they could hunt you down, that's 200 kids and they can all claim half of your income...

      Have a nice day

    2. paulf

      Re: Anonymity

      Not just that but AIUI they removed the right to anonymity retrospectively so those who donated in the past under the promise of anonymity had that removed long after the fact. In my book that major shift represented a significant breach of trust so it's no wonder they're short of donors.

  6. Chris G

    Hand crafted

    Perhaps if the Deposits department had the right kind of attendants who could assist the donors.......

  7. cantankerous swineherd

    shame this story didn't have a happy ending.

  8. Ole Juul

    "a business way of thinking"

    "Once you know you've got income in the pipeline, you can use that to offset costs."

    He took a course.

    1. TitterYeNot

      Re: "a business way of thinking"

      "He took a course."

      And has now also learned that the term 'money shot' doesn't mean quite what he thought it did...

  9. John Smith 19 Gold badge

    NHS spunks £77K on sperm bank.

    Oh dear.

  10. J.Smith

    It was just a flash in a pan.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    "Once you have a donor at least 70 per cent along.."

    Yea, when I'm at least 70% along, I'm pretty much committed.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    As a young man I could find something fap-worthy most anywhere

    But Birmingham? That would have to be "gråtrunka"

  13. Anonymous Coward

    Children are noisy and they smell

    They are also the biggest single bad thing you can inflict on the environment with their lifelong carbon dependant existence.

    I would rather spill it over the floor/bed/tissue than give someone who denies natural selection (of fertile potential parents) a chance at killing my world some more because "my biological clock is ticking" .... Get a f**king cat.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Children are noisy and they smell

      Shame your parents didn't think like that..

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Children are noisy and they smell

      Thank you Jeremy.

      Could you please remove yourself from this planet the day you retire, as it will be our kids funding the rest of your miserable existence,


  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I misunderstood...

    The cute nurse indicated that I should sit in the chair. She then placed the container on the shelf, and told me to deposit my emission into the container. Then she left. I totally misunderstood. It took me over four hours and 17 tries before I finally managed to get a shot into the container on the shelf.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ah, to never have that conversation.

    Mummy who was daddy?

    Some wanker from Birmingham.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Sperm bank ... a handful of recruits

    I see what you did there.

  17. x 7

    Last time I was at New St station I was chatting to a young nurse who asked me if I came there often. Now I think I understand what she was getting at............

  18. TRT Silver badge

    The far bigger waste...

    was the £1.2m spent setting up a wrist injury clinic next door.

  19. TheProf

    Sticky fingers

    ' In the UK, sperm donors are paid a set sum of £35 a visit ...... While private sperm banks charge in the region of a grand for a single withdrawal '

    Outrageous! These people are just profiting off the creams.

    1. magickmark

      Re: Sticky fingers

      Or even creaming off the profits?

  20. Leeroy
    Thumb Up

    Cut out the middle man

    You can have mine for free and it only takes a few minutes !

  21. Montreal Sean

    The NHS failed.

    Failed to take matters firmly enough in hand.

  22. magickmark
    Paris Hilton

    Fap Fap

    "In the UK, sperm donors are paid a set sum of £35 a visit" not exactly splashing out then!!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Fap Fap

      It's a reasonable wad to spend.

  23. hi_robb


    Please don't come again soon.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Birmingham sperm bank pulls plug

    After thirsty employee drinks it dry.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Bob Monkhouse classic...

    The sperm bank had to close because out of the seven 'donations', 4 came on the bus and 3 missed the tube :)

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Wow £35 a deposit, ive been throwing away money hand over fist... But seriously, £35 is a joke, considering half of that is likely transport cost to get you there in the first place...

  27. LINCARD1000

    Not sure about the UK...

    ...but here in NZ, although the eventual resulting ankle-biters have the legal right to find out who said depositor is should they be interested, however the depositor doesn't have any financial or familial responsibility.

    So yeah, the brats can find out who "daddy" really is, but "daddy" is under no legal obligation to have anything to do with them, and that includes meeting them in person.

    Terminator icon because something to do with kids and dead parents or something. I don't know, gimme a freakin' break.

  28. wolfmeister

    heh heh. Birmingham, well i'm surprised. Back in the day if you lived near brum, a common saying was:

    "Why did God invent the orgasm"? - "So people from Birmingham would know when to stop"

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