back to article CERN staff conduct 'human sacrifice' at supercollider site

Staff at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) spend their days trying to prise open the secrets of other dimensions … including by staging occult rituals. So says Agence France Presse (AFP) which became aware of this NSFW YouTube vid in which a ritual staged at CERN's Geneva campus is depicted. The “ritual” …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    strangelets

    Last week, when I wrote tomorrows letter about todays article, I had no idea that Christmas 2012 was going to be so mild.

    Come on, Playmobil, or it never happened.

    (Yes, I know, but the tradition must survive)

    1. NoneSuch Silver badge
      Facepalm

      "was intended as a joke but was not in any way authorised."

      Welcome to a world where your boss needs to give you a thumb up before you make any joke.

      "Yes, Mr. Gilligan, please fill in this Application for Making a Humorous Video On Company Property in triplicate. The Board of Directors meets in three months so we'll get beck to you no less than six months after that."

      1. Turbo Beholder
        Trollface

        Funny. I would expect this from American uniderpsities, but a research center in Europe?

        Where it rolls, indeed..

      2. Tom -1

        @Nonesuch

        "Welcome to a world where your boss needs to give you a thumb up before you make any joke."

        What makes you think authorisation was required? The simplest explanation for it not having been authorised is that no authorisation is required for jokes.

    2. Fungus Bob Silver badge

      Re: strangelets

      "Come on, Playmobil, or it never happened."

      With badgers, we need more badgers!

      Where's the badger icon?

  2. stu 4
    FAIL

    pfft!

    I thought I was at least gonna see some boobies there...

    1. MrXavia

      Re: pfft!

      Everyone knows ritual sacrifices are of virgin girls and they have to be naked... Hammer horrors taught me so...

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  3. Matthew Smith

    Its fake?!

    Awww, man.....

    1. nichomach

      Re: Its fake?!

      They WOULD say that, wouldn't they...

  4. Steven Raith

    Ah, so now we know....

    ...who have been summoning the baguette carrying seagulls from another dimension to foil the project, then.

    Steven R

  5. knarf

    Trumps next speech

    Oh hum never a dull day at cern, now we know what they do when its broke.

  6. Chris G Silver badge

    Prroof! That Demons exist!

    Clearly CERN has been taken over and is controlled by demons. Only the the one true church of Chris G can save you. Donate early to secure a good place in heaven.

    1. TRT Silver badge
      1. phuzz Silver badge
        Go

        Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

        It's ok, Gordon Freeman is already at CERN and ready to help.

        1. thegroucho
          Happy

          Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

          You beat me to the reference.

          Now, where is that crowbar and the hazmat suit ...

        2. Dr. G. Freeman

          Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

          Actually, I'm not.

          While all the EU/ Brexit malarkey about research funding is going on ( I get to play at CERN thanks to EU funding that now may not happen once the grant runs out in october), came back to Aberdeen to write up things, make nice graphs, annoy undergrads, and drink lots of coffee.

          The crowbar's in my bag, though.

          1. DropBear

            Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

            "The crowbar's in my bag, though."

            Isn't that a bit risqué, though? These days that crowbar is all our most distinguished public servants and keepers of the peace aka the fuzz need to nick you on the spot, for carrying tools you obviously intend to break into the first house you see with, no...? At the very least, make sure you never wear a hoodie...

        3. GX5000
          Coat

          Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

          You say Cern, I think Black Mesa......EP3 is RL!

    2. paulf Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

      Perhaps not demons but certainly Zombies as a bunch of PhD students at CERN made a zombie apocalypse film back in 2012. It's pretty good considering the amateur shoe string budget production.

      Decay film

    3. Pompous Git Silver badge

      Re: Prroof! That Demons exist!

      Donate early to secure a good place in heaven.

      Only bird girls go to heaven; that's what their wings are for. Thank god/jehova/shiva/buddha/spam [delete whichever is inapplicable] for bird girls :-)

  7. Matthew Smith

    I get where they are coming from

    Back in the days of my Spectrum and cassettes, if the the cassette recorder was having a bad day and I was repeatedly was getting the 'R Tape Loading Error', I had a little ritual. I'd read somewhere that cats could produce static in their fur, and that static was bad for the tape loading. So I'd go and find the cat, hold her flat on the floor to 'earth' her, and if I could keep her there for 5 minutes without wriggling then the tape would definitely work.

    Modest cat torture (Cuddling) was what it took for a single 10 year old to work a ZX Spectrum. Maybe a multi-billion science project requires a human sacrifice ritual.

    1. Turbo Beholder
      IT Angle

      Re: I get where they are coming from

      It's only in the ancient Spectrum era you could get away with using a random cat.

      To have servers healthy, or at least not bugging out for very long, you need to work a tambourine. Preferably with proper logos painted on it.

  8. NanoMeter

    Petrol on fire

    That's like throwing petrol on fire with regards to conspiracy theorists.

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Petrol on fire

      But it'll be great entertainment watching their heads explode.

      More sacrifices! Ia! Ia!

    2. Geoffrey W
      Mushroom

      Re: Petrol on fire

      The whole CERN thing is like an organisation designed to trigger conspiracy theories. A huge symbol of Shiva, the destroyer of worlds, dancing on the back of a demon dwarf standing in prominent position of their grounds? It's so ludicrous how could it not be hiding something sinister?

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Petrol on fire

      That's like throwing petrol on fire with regards to conspiracy theorists.

      I misread that, thought it said "throwing petrol on a fire of conspiracy theorists.

    4. YARR
      Stop

      Re: Petrol on fire

      This has nothing whatsoever to do with conspiracy theories since there were obviously multiple persons involved, but it could be offensive to people who hold religious beliefs, or who just dislike violence.

      If CERN is a publicly funded scientific institution (apparently promoting reason over belief), why is there a religious icon of Shiva on the site? Religious symbolism is usually banned from public institutions in secular countries so why is this exception allowed?

      How does performing a mock execution provide amusement to anyone of sound mind - how about a mock nuclear explosion or mock Holocaust for extra thrills? My guess is that the real motive of whoever dreamed up this stunt is some deeper psychological issue they're hiding.

      1. Youngone

        Re: Petrol on fire

        @ YARR

        It's a joke.

        Religious people might be offended, but the obvious solution is for them to pray to whichever god they choose to follow to smite the unbelievers.

        If their god does not smite, then they can happily assume that the god thought it was funny, just like the rest of us.

      2. Geoffrey W

        Re: Petrol on fire

        @YARR

        If its a joke (and in true superposition style I'm not saying it is or isn't, and am not looking any closer in case it resolves into "isn't"), if its a joke then they are mocking the hundreds of conspiracy theories that abound all over the internet and is exactly the kind of thing that young un's are liable to do when accused of doing something silly by someone even sillier.

      3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Petrol on fire

        "why is there a religious icon of Shiva on the site?"

        Goddess of creation and destruction. I bet you can't guess what they do there?

        And I bet of you look at all the public buildings in your town or city, especially older one, you'll see all sort of religious symbolism if try hard enough.

        And FWIW, the only country I know of (there probably are plenty of others) who ban religious symbols on or in public buildings is the US. The place where every President ends their speeches with religious symbols, ie "God bless America" and generally makes a point of referring to God at every opportunity.

        1. Geoffrey W

          Re: Petrol on fire

          RE: USA and religious symbols

          Well, yes and no. Attempts may occasionally be made to prevent symbols of modern religions, and I use the word modern with reluctance, such as crucifixes, but the whole country is stuffed with religious and occult symbols, especially on the older buildings, including federal ones. You can take occult tours of Washington DC to see all the weird stuff. Gargoyles and obelisks and masonic totems and sacred geometry. It is all there. All the religious language is just ritual language and has lost any real meaning these days. Oh, and don't forget Denver airport - its just stuffed with occult imagery and symbols with gods and weird shit everywhere. Personally I don't mind any of it; its better than dull drab concrete and rubber stamp buildings. I like churches too. Big cathedrals have a wonderful spooky quality to them, but that's straying from the point.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Coat

          Re: Petrol on fire

          Goddess of Creation and destruction? Surely not, I always thought Shiva was male and had to be placated by his Wife to ensure he didn't destroy the Universe? Any random Hindu out there who can elucidate?

          Mines the one with stauttes of kali and Durga in my pocket

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Petrol on fire

            "Goddess of Creation and destruction? Surely not, I always thought Shiva was male and had to be placated by his Wife to ensure he didn't destroy the Universe?"

            You are correct. I greatly simplified, probably over simplified. Hindu gods have many, often conflicting aspects, and Shiva is one of three gods who make up a triumvirate of creation, constancy and destruction, Shiva being the destruction bit but has many positive aspects too.

      4. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: Petrol on fire

        My guess is that the real motive of whoever dreamed up this stunt is some deeper psychological issue they're hiding.

        I don't usually bother downvoting, but I felt a sudden urge to do so in response to the deep psychological issue that's obviously hiding from you.

  9. Dieter Haussmann

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d77MrvW0wxs

    Well it did take place - a Satanic occult festival on CERN grounds and was attended by memebers of the NWO elite including Merkel and Hollande and EU Commisars.

    It is even on Youtube!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d77MrvW0wxs

  10. Stumpy Pepys
    Alert

    Whither the weasels

    Benevolent people from the future are sending weasels back in time to sabotage the LHC. If only humanity would take notice!

  11. Metal Marv

    DOOM!

    How else will we increase production of Argent Energy?

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: DOOM!

      We need a Huon particle storm to power our SpaceTime capsules.

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: DOOM!

        We need a Huon particle storm to power our SpaceTime capsules.

        Great googly moogly! I've been living in the Huon Valley for more than 30 years and never even knew they existed!

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Dear Daily Mail...

    ...I'm highly offended my the video I haven't watched and a demand everyone is sacked, just after being forced to make a pointless apology. I demand that it is removed from YouTube and it's the BBC's fault that the migrants are forcing us to have bi-weekly bin collections. You want to see what videos like this do to house prices!

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Dear Daily Mail...

      PS. The video both causes and cures cancer.

      1. Geoffrey W

        Re: Dear Daily Mail...

        RE: "The video both causes and cures cancer"

        Is that a binary switch - If you have cancer you are cured, if you don't it gives you cancer. Or does it cure you after giving it to you? What happens if you watch it twice? Its a bit lame. P'raps I should watch it again just to be safe.

        1. Tikimon

          Re: Dear Daily Mail...

          Isn't it obvious? You simultaneously do and don't have cancer at the same time, they exist in superposition.

      2. Dagg

        Re: Dear Daily Mail...

        PS. The video both causes and cures cancer.

        What happens if you play it backwards...

        1. Pompous Git Silver badge

          Re: Dear Daily Mail...

          What happens if you play it backwards...

          Paul McCartney is reincarnated as a beetle.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Genius.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Probably not a problem, but...

    Rumors that the statue was not actually of Shiva but of Hillary Clinton (aka. the evil God "BUSHBAMA TERM V") have not been confirmed yet...

    1. Geoffrey W

      Re: Probably not a problem, but...

      If that's Hillary then the demon dwarf its dancing on the back of is Trump.

      1. Bob Dole (tm)

        Re: Probably not a problem, but...

        >>If that's Hillary then the demon dwarf its dancing on the back of is Trump.

        Somehow I get the strange feeling there's a lot of truth in that statement. After Trump won the republican nomination he seems to be doing everything possible to appear worse than Hillary.

  15. TheProf Silver badge
    Devil

    tsk

    Young people eh?

  16. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    This is probably just about who is getting lead author credit for the next paper on some quantum thingy anyway.

  17. TimNevins

    Already common knowledge

    This has been already covered.

    CERN's logo is 666. Take a look.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Pint

      Re: Already common knowledge

      It matters not, every one knows the number of the Beast is 616

  18. 2+2=5 Silver badge
    Boffin

    CERNs true purpose: destruction of the Earth

    > Narration of the video suggests the rite acknowledges CERNs true purpose: destruction of the Earth.

    http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: CERNs true purpose: destruction of the Earth

      Campaign for Earth's Reduction to Neutrinos?

    2. Mage Silver badge

      Re: CERNs true purpose: destruction of the Earth

      Oddly if you view page source

      http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com

      Also strangely though the page content is just

      Nope

      It wants to run a bunch of javascript.

      Comment in the page:

      <!-- if the lhc actually destroys the earth & this page isn't yet updated

      please email mike@frantic.org to receive a full refund

      ___

      / / \\\ Has the great lazer eyed bunny

      \ \ \\\ destroyed the world yet?

      \ \ \\\ _______

      ______________ \ \ \\\__ / \

      ____ _/ (O)\--------------------------------------------- / \

      / \/ ( __| | |

      |____/ | ------- \\ status: In Progress \ /

      |______________/_______________// [73%/100%] eta: ..Soon \________/

      check out our exciting new social media presence at http://twitter.com/htlhcdtwy

      -->

      View in fixed font.

      He can't spell Laser

  19. calmeilles

    Incredible...

    ...that the damned thing has worked this long with only a single sacrifice.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Incredible...

      1/5 kill-a-what per annum. Very efficient.

  20. Spaceman Spiff

    ROFLMAO

    Most of the scientists I know (a huge number) have some "interesting" senses of humor. Anyone who takes this seriously (the video) is an idiot! FWIW, my father was a physicist, my wife is a physicist, and I am an engineer. Do I know scientists? I once had breakfast with Linus Pauling and my physics professor in college was Frank Oppenheimer.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ROFLMAO

      Absolutely, a prime example of an excellent practical joker was Professor R.V. (Reginald Victor) Jones.

      Apparently he used to fire off a revolver in class if he thought any of his students had fallen asleep .... then there were the elaborate hoaxes such as convincing the lady next door her tortoise was growing (then shrinking) ... and trying to get passers-by to put the handset of a public callbox in a bucket of water ...

      1. Pompous Git Silver badge

        Re: ROFLMAO

        Absolutely, a prime example of an excellent practical joker was Professor R.V. (Reginald Victor) Jones.

        A man after my own heart then. When I was a physics/chemistry undergraduate in 1969, I put a telephone handset and alarm clock in my bag. As planned, the alarm clock went off while travelling on a Melbourne tram. I reached into my bag, turned off the alarm clock and picked up the telephone handset. After announcing my name, I leaned forward to the passenger facing me while offering him the handset and said: "It's for you". The look of abject terror on his face was quite amusing :-)

    2. Tikimon

      Re: ROFLMAO

      I represent that comment! (ex Biology guy)

      Science types definitely have the weirdest sense of humor. Combine that with a broad knowledge of a wide variety of subjects and you get some crazy yet thoughtful jokes. XKCD is the best example.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Supercollider?

    I dont even know her.

  22. dmacleo

    LOL south park

    kudos for the south park movie pic :)

  23. TheresaJayne

    of course, Ingress is based on the exotic matter created at CERN which opened portals into an alternate dimension, Niantic Project discovered that this Exotic Matter (XM) is pooling at pieces of art and human historic sites, XM is thought to be evolving humans to the next stage of evolution (Enlightened) and some think XM is being used by aliens from the other dimension trying to control humans and so are fighting back (Resistance)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8dp8eBr2Tg

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