back to article Boris Johnson 'NIGHTMARE'

SciFi author and sometime Reg reader Charles Stross has described the appointment of Boris Johnson as foreign minister as CASE NIGHTMARE BLOND. Readers of Stross' Laundry Files novels will know that that in his fictional universe CASE NIGHTMARE RED is a trans-dimensional alien attack and CASE NIGHTMARE GREEN is Cthulhu Spawn …

  1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

    I don't know whether this applies here or not, but when I heard that Mrs May had appointed BoJo as her foreign secretary I was reminded of something Lyndon B Johnson allegedly said about J Edgar Hoover shortly after becoming president. The context was whether it was finally time to retire - or rather forcefully dislodge from his throne against his will - JEH.

    LBJ deceided against it, arguing he'd rather have JEH inside his tent pissing out than outside his tent pissing in.

    1. S4qFBxkFFg

      The trouble with that line of reasoning is that it doesn't account for those who are quite happy to piss in, and out of, the tent while inside said tent.

      Time will tell whether Boris is malicious or just (metaphorically) incontinent.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward


      I wish we could have LBJ back as our president. If nothing else he one of the most quotable presidents ever!

      1. Marvin O'Gravel Balloon Face

        Re: LBJ

        "Lyndon Johnson told the nation

        Have no fear of escalation

        I am trying everyone to please

        Though it isn't really war

        We're sending fifty thousand more

        To help save Vietnam from Vietnamese"

        Tom Paxton

    3. Yes Me Silver badge

      Cunning plot

      It can only be a cunning plot by Theresa May to bring about Boris's final downfall when he and David Davis finally report back that the Brexit deal available is so bad that we should not trigger Article 50 at all. Hopefully we'll get there before the end of the year.

      No other explanation makes any sense at all.

      1. paulf
        Thumb Up

        Re: Cunning plot

        @ Yes Me Re: Cunning Plot

        I like your theory. She does seem to have made cabinet appointments on the basis of "You created this shit storm, you can clear it up your own mess or I'll have your bollocks for breakfast" hence:

        Johnson (Brexit campaign figurehead/leader) as Foreign Secretary: i.e. having to deal with foreigners he's variously insulted

        Davis (Brexit supporter) as Brexit minister: i.e. negotiating with the EU he made very public that he wanted to leave

        Leadsom (Brexit supporter) as Environment secretary: i.e. she'll have to deal with Farmers/Fishermen that were promised so much in a Brexit withdrawl from CAP/CFP

        Hunt (all round *unty Health Secretary) remains in post: i.e. get this snafu with the new Drs contract sorted out.

        1. Dan 55 Silver badge

          Re: Cunning plot

          Hunt's staying with the NHS as he did so well last time.

          The Energy part of the Dept. of Energy and Climate Change has been eaten by Business Innovation and Skills and the Climate Change part has disappeared. The UK needs an energy department separate from business to keep the lights on and be somewhat immune from lobbying by the energy industry. Climate change, well, are we back to it doesn't exist? We will be because Leadsom will probably be in charge of it.

          As for BoJo, I think given his post it's more important what people abroad think, not what possible interpretations we can make for May putting him there.

          I don't think she's that particularly clever. She couldn't answer basic questions about the IPBill in the Commons Committee and she must have spent half her time at the Home Office on surveillance issues of one kind or another.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Cunning plot

        I don't think we're even remotely aware of the true depths of the cunning at play here. If this entire thing had all been one immense plot most cunning... the timing, the "debate," the vote, even the resignation... the whole lot... then who'd be a finer choice to figurehead the negotiations?


        As has already been said... time will tell... but in the meantime, don't panic Messrs Mainwaring

      3. bailey86

        Re: Cunning plot

        Hitler / Junker finds out about Brexit:

        I think some cool heads and intelligent people have now looked at Credit and realised how much better off we're going to be. This is why Theresa is pushing ahead with it.

        Steady as she goes number one.

        1. bailey86

          Re: Cunning plot

          'now looked at BREXIT' blimmin predictive text!

    4. Anonymous Blowhard

      There's also the argument that if someone dumps a load of shit on your doorstep, then an appropriate punishment is to have them take care of it.

  2. Iain Griffiths

    Charlie has code worded the whole Brexit mess as CASE NIGHTMARE TWEED.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    IT Angle

    In case Charles Stross reads this column

    If Charles Stross does read this column: I really enjoy the Laundry series, and all the characters and concepts within, but please, I beg you, Mr Stross, never ever attempt to write a sex scene again.

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: In case Charles Stross reads this column

      Which story was that? Unless you are talking tentacle sex?

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Re: In case Charles Stross reads this column

        I'd rather take my chances with a randy octopus than BoJo.

      2. Anonymous Coward

        Re: In case Charles Stross reads this column

        Which story was that?

        The Rhesus Chart

        Definitely a firm entry to the Bad Sex awards. So to speak.

  4. MrDamage

    Hairpiece fom Hades

    Appropriate for both Boris, and Drumpf.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Hairpiece fom Hades

      It's an excited form of Meson!

  5. bobsmith2016

    'Yes, it is Friday.'

    And thank f*ck for that.

  6. Will Godfrey Silver badge


    Boris is just a big kid, and the evil witch (TM) has just given him a razor sharp knife to play with.

    1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

      Re: Awww.

      It will be interesting to see if he falls on said knife when he fails to get even a half decent deal from Europe.

      This will make or break his political career.

      the phrase 'keeping your enemies closer' comes to mind.

      So far the new PM has done a good job with her appointments.

      Only time will tell us if she is just a one trick pony and just as crap at being PM as Gordo was.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Awww.

        Boris has nothing to do with negotiations. The suitably impressive David Davis is in charge of that.

        Boris is a fun, charming and clever chap who's job entails being fun, charming and clever with foreign foreign secretaries.

        1. Rich 11 Silver badge

          Re: Awww.

          It's the secretaries of the foreign secretaries that he wants to have fun with.

  7. Yugguy


    The only thing funnier than Boris is the wailing and gnashing of teeth from all the liberals and lefties since the announcement.

    1. smartypants

      Re: Hilarious

      The gnashing of teeth isn't just liberals. It's anyone who understands the horror of seeing their country destabilised and humiliated by a perfect storm of lies, populist bullshit and egotistical nobends like Boris who is happy to screw the country in search of a top job.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: Hilarious

        What is that? Did we invade yet another foreign country based on "sexed-up" evidence??

  8. This post has been deleted by its author

  9. Potemkine Silver badge

    Putting Benny Hill at the Foreign Office is another proof of British humour.

  10. Mephistro Silver badge

    As some German politician said...

    "After this, I wouldn't be surprised if they appointed Count Dracula as Health minister"*

    *Or words to that effect, as this is a translation of a translation.

  11. jason 7

    Boris won't let it get that far.

    He'll stage manage some huge diplomatic 'gaffe' that requires yet another 'heavy hearted resignation' before it gets too tough for him and we all see him way out of his depth.

    He can then go back to dicking around the edge and maintaining his tiresome 'lovable buffoon' shtick for the media and public.

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