IBM scraps loyal staffer gifts in favour of... a congratulatory social page

Petty managerial powers-that-be at IBM have thrust forward an exceptionally mean redesign of the company's loyal employee rewards scheme - gifts are to be scrapped for a “social congratulatory page”. Big Blue insiders told us the firm will now honour three, five, 10 and 50 years service in a new and special way, though the …

[FuzzyWuzzys]

"I'll give you full credit!"

This is very familar to any creative person. How many of you have read/heard this, "Wow your pictures are really good! Could I use your image(s) for free and in return I'll give you credit whenever I use the image(s)?".

No, 'cos as much as I love attention and possible free asvertising, something tangible is far more use to me, especially hard currency when it comes time to pay the rent or repair my equipment!

[allthecoolshortnamesweretaken]

Re: "I'll give you full credit!"

AKA "You're doing it for the exposure!"

[Gene Cash]

Re: "I'll give you full credit!"

Or https://twitter.com/forexposure_txt which is even sadder...

[Mark 85]

Re: "I'll give you full credit!"

You got your credit. Now row faster ye scurvy dogs, the Captain wants to waterski.

[Hollerithevo]

Humbug and cant! Couldn't ask for a better example.

"Now we’re re-imagining how to celebrate years of services across the world - incorporating feedback from IBM managers and employees who have asked a new approach to honour IBMer service anniversaries."

And the faithful swarmed eagerly to get that their beloved Communist Leaders ^H^H^H^H^H their beloved Management should taker a new approach.

Gawd almighty, I would have respected them if they had said "we want to celebrate you all as you hit anniversaries, but we want you also to have jobs, so cutting unnecessary expense is important. No more free pens. But if you want to give shout-outs on the intranet, here's a page."

[Anonymous Coward]

Couldn't agree more, but you misspelt "cant"

Unless that's the response from the Sydney office to IBM HQ: "Rack off, cants!"

[Anonymous Coward]

How to motivate your loyal employees!

I left IBM nearly three years ago but if I had stayed I think I would have been up for the 10 year pen later this year. It is only a pen but I would have been seriously pissed off by this. To me the congratulatory page would be a clear "F-Off" from management.

[chivo243]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees! to Leave!

+1 but I had to sarcastically finish your title

This is what the next generation (Millennials?) of upper management are doing. It's pervasive. It sucks. Don't ask what I got for 15 years... back in the day it was a 13th month salary for 20.

Tramp for obvious reasons

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees! to Leave!

Yeah Laters you OLD gits

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees! to Leave!

>This is what the next generation (Millennials?) of upper management

Don't get me wrong I love ripping on hipster web 3.0 privacy hating millennials as much as the next guy but the problem is not one of generation but of class. Every generation pretty much is represented very badly by their 1%ers. If I had to guess its more Boomer 1%ers than Millennials behind this. Now they don't even want symbolically for anything of value to trickle down to the peons.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees! to Leave!

"If I had to guess its more Boomer 1%ers than Millennials behind this. Now they don't even want symbolically for anything of value to trickle down to the peons."

You could be right, but I think there is a certain percentage of millennials who would actually value the 5 seconds of attention far more than a pen. (A pen? What's that do? Does it have spell check and an internet connection? What the voice activation phrase?)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees! to Leave!

Millennials are mostly locked out of management at all levels by the boomers who refuse to retire.

This policy will have been dreamed up by some old HR person "The kid these days, the're into the Facebooks right? Let's make the reward system more like that".

[Denarius]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees! to Leave!

Boomers, refuse to retire ? Which one of Long Earths are you on ? Boomers are compulsory pushed fout door first unless they are 1%ers. Too expensive

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: How to motivate your loyal employees!

Oh, and the irony is that the project to set up the page would probably cost more than all the pens for several years.

[Justicesays]

Seems like a good idea

so long as the Executive Elite are also rewarded with a social media congratulations page and a modest lunch after 25 years instead of $millions in stock options for their "loyalty" after 3...

They really are diving for the bottom.

And a Montblanc pen? Not for a while I'm thinking, a Waterman ballpoint worth at most £50 is what the 10 years staff are missing out on now..and that was ruined by having "IBM" scribed on it!

[Vometia Munro]

Re: Seems like a good idea

Dunno how that compares to the silver Caran d'Ache pen I got for my 10 years at DEC, which is kinda nice except needing the occasional polish (not that I can complain especially convincingly as most of my jewellery is also of the high-maintenance silver variety) although by that time I was probably lucky to get anything as it seems most people were on their way out, whether or not by choice. And 20 years later it seems that things at IBM are much the same. :(

[John70]

Loyalty at 3 & 5 years???

They have (or had) loyalty schemes for 3 & 5 years?

They must have 1 hell of a turnover of staff.

Where I work it's 20, 30, 40, 50 years...

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Loyalty at 3 & 5 years???

Where I work, we peons are lucky we still get paid. Long service award? What's one of them?

[Stevie]

Bah!

So I imagine that management bonuses have been replaced by "likes" on the individuals' arsebook pages?

Why is everyone laughing?

[Anonymous Coward]

Very negative coverage...

The social media option was much better than the alternatives proposed by IBM's management team:

- a free resource action for anyone getting near the free pen milestone

- a stick for management to beat you with when you finally die from overwork. If they burnt one end, you could even use the stick for writing. Like a pen. Sort of...

- management delivering a steaming pile of poo to you. Apparently this couldn't be distinguished from existing daily tasks such as outsourcing or using Lotus Notes...

Finally, in a few years when IBM it completes its destroying or outsourcing of anything vaguely IT related to everywhere else and is just a pack of accountants, will it even matter?

[Anonymous Coward]

Meh

I have the 10 year pens from several years ago. They're nice quality, but too heavy to carry in a jacket. Honestly, if I need a free pen, I can enquire about over 50s' life cover.

This does seem to be part of the Millenial drive to have everything on the company equivalent of Facebook.

[Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese]

At my company it was originally 20, and then every 5 years after that.

The company revised its policy, and we now have awards for 20 and 40 years only. This was enshrined literally days before I was due to claim my 25 year long service award. Oh well, only another 15 years before I get something now.

[Shadow Systems]

Crap like this isn't new.

At a now ex-employer that I am rather glad to be rid of, they decided to cut costs & save money by replacing the individualized "Employee of the Month" award desk plaques with a single, generic (no name on it), clear plastic "crystal" statue-like thing reminescent of something dreamed up by a Hollywood douchebag. So instead of getting a nice personalized plaque you could be proud of & display forever, now they just shuffled the same generic award from desk to desk; once it wasn't there anymore you had nothing to show for your efforts.

I had worked there for over a year, 10 & 12 hour days working my ass off, doing what I could to help clean up the utter disaster that was their paper-based "filing system" that amounted to cardboard Banker boxes filled with file folders & a "XXX - XXY" label on the box to give a hint as to it's contents, into a digital set of files (OCR scans of each folder's documents so the PDF's could be stored on the server) & then the paper copies shredded to save the *acres* of space they required. Pick a box, carry the box to the Copy Room, OCR everything in the box (hours of standing & manually feeding sheets through because the copiers didn't have sheet feeders), double checking the scans matched the originals, double check that all the scans were in their proper directories (one per file folder on the server), put the originals back in the box & mark it as Scanned, carry the box to the Manager's office so they could make sure I'd done it correctly, and back to the storage room for another box. Over & over & over again. Box after box after damned box. All in addition to my ACTUAL job duties because the bastards demanded I do *both*.

A *year* of this crap, doing both jobs, helping my coworkers when they needed help with "anything computery", and being pretty much the bloody definition of a "Team Player". But never getting the EotM award. I could see all the votes for me & everyone else on the internal employee nominations page on the corporate intranet, we could see plain as day that I was often at the top of the pack by a wide margin, but the moment Manglement stepped in & announced the winner, it turns out to be the VP's PA. A rather busty young lady with the work ethic of a dead mongoose & the job duties Bill Clinton would be famous for making use thereof.

When my coworkers finally complained & said they would start filing harrassment complaints on my behalf, the Manglement *FINALLY* gave me the EotM award...

They gave it to me on Monday. They fired me on Friday, claiming I "wasn't a team player".

My coworkers were so shocked & angry that a few threatened to leave as well if I wasn't reinstated immediately. There turned out to be a bunch of us leaving that day, certainly more than Manglement had anticipated. Evidently their resident "computer guy & all around helpful bloke" (me) was a bit TOO handy to let go, so said the folks that remained when we got together over drinks later. The "Records Project" that I had (unknowingly) been on (and the ONLY one on it) had not only stalled but hit a wall - Manglement couldn't find the files on the server & had already destroyed the originals. No originals & no digital archive meant they had nothing to show the Internal Revenue Service auditors when they came knocking, so now the company no longer does business in this State.

IBM doing away with personal gifts as awards for years of loyal service? $ExCompany did away with even the HINT of any personal recognition with a generic EotM plaque we weren't even allowed to keep. Funny though how the VP was able to take a month long "Fact Finding Tour" of various tropical islands that year, even though they had to fire an entire department "due to a shrinking economy".

Greedy bastards. Fuck 'em all.

[ecofeco]

Re: Crap like this isn't new.

I did a short stint for IBM. I will never work for those assholes again. They are the leading, shining example of everything that is wrong with modern corporations. Followed very closely by at&t and HP.

Starting to see a trend here? Yeah, me too.

[fajensen]

Hahaa - Writing it is downsourced too.

And since it’s about personalised and social experiences, you, other colleagues, friends and family will play a big role in sharing congratulations.

IBM is going the same way as KODAK. Hopefully, the staff can negotiate some good "eff off" payments on their way out.

[ecofeco]

Re: Hahaa - Writing it is downsourced too.

Only if they get out ASAP. As in yesterday.

[Denarius]

Re: Hahaa - Writing it is downsourced too.

@faj,

exit payments ? nope. exit payments were cut long ago and recently to nothing much.

[Chika]

It's Bloody Minging!

Actually I was at a certain "digital careers" thing last week where I heard an IBM ancient blurb on about how to get a job in the industry.

So they do exist.

Trouble was that his pitch was all about getting the right experience and qualifications to ease into life at IBM (mostly). Let me warn anybody that believes crap like that; a flexible approach to IT can save your butt on occasion but it's folk like that that insist that you are effectively scrap once you hit your mid-30s.

IT skills crisis my arse. It's all their own creation.

[DrXym]

Maybe disloyalty is their plan all along

All those loyal longtime staff are an expensive burden when the next wave of layoffs happens. Maybe they're trying to piss them off enough that some leave of their own accord. The company would save far more than the cost of a pen.

[Mark 85]

Re: Maybe disloyalty is their plan all along

Bingo.. spot on. I've seen it where manglement will go out of their way to piss someone off who's been around for more than 5 years. As soon as they quit, they hire a replacement for a lot less money.

It was happening with such frequency that the employees in the call center knew the clock was ticking from the day they started.

[Anonymous Coward]

A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

.... to "team building" exercises in nice resorts, while "too expensive" (and highly skilled) developers were being "let go" to replace them with cheaper code monkeys, many outsourced. Only a few was asked to remain to herd the monkeys, but looking at what was happening, left anyway.

That under a new CEO coming from IBM....

Not surprisingly, that company went bankrupt not much later, as soon as product quality went down the sink, and customer started to send in lawyers suits instead of paid invoices...

[Kevin 6]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

doesn't sound far off one non-profit place I worked years ago(and last IT job I worked)

IT(aka me, and my supervisor) had to work grueling hours in a terrible environment on a shoestring budget to the point we were once questioned for at least 10 minutes(we also had to wait 15 minutes for them to question us, and drive over 10 miles to the main building in some of the worst rush hour traffic in the US) by the upper management when we had to go buy fuckin fan for some donated POS PC instead of letting us just go buy the fan all due to our budget being completely used up for the year. Reason it was used up because the fuckin upper management decided to order new $2k-5k designer laptops (with specs that rivaled a cheap $400 dell laptop at the time) to display their pictures from their latest management team building seminar in the swiss alps that they took with their $1000 DSLR(which also came out of IT's budget)...

My supervisor(, and I quit a months or 2 later(he quit 2 days after me), and we found out 1, and a half years later the place went under.

BTW I quit cause my supervisor got demoted(I was only there to help him as the pay was NOT worth the hassle) for all the issues like going over our department budget, and a pile of bad contracts his predecessor signed...

My supervisor stayed in the field 2 more years before getting burned out, and deciding to buy a hotdog cart, and sling hot dogs for a living during the summer which from what I seen he finds more enjoyable, and rewarding then IT work.

Ohh on another note my father who worked as a buyer at the company I currently "work"* at was fired 1 day before his 30th anniversary at the company. This was not even a week after he was told how good of a job he does, and how much he saves for the company... Company started losing $15k-25k a month due to a vendor no longer doing business with them after they heard what they pulled which is more then they paid my father in a month...

*I use "work" as I do as little work as humanely possible(sometimes nothing for weeks), and fly under the radar of the bosses

And US based companies wonder why there is no loyalty anymore.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

"my father who worked as a buyer at the company I currently "work"* at was fired 1 day before his 30th anniversary at the company. "

That sounds unbelievably "coincidental". Was there some particular benefit he was likely to accrue when he reached his 30th anniversary, and if so, can he sue them up the wazzoo, even in the employees-have-no-rights US?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

"my father who worked as a buyer at the company I currently "work"* at was fired 1 day before his 30th anniversary at the company. "

A large British IT company was doing a major cutting of staff - with their redundancy leaving date set for the end of the tax year. Then someone realised that one of the redundant staff would have reached his 40+ service milestone a few days after that date.

So they arranged for him to be made redundant a few weeks later than everyone else. Not only did he get his long service award - but his redundancy pay off was set against his next year's tax - thus reducing his tax bill.

[Kevin 6]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

nope

their reasoning they sold off one part of the company(no notice, or warnings) transferred him to it 1-2 months prior to the sale along with a couple other employees from the office which were up there in their years. The new owners didn't need him as they had their own guy. Basically he walked in his office it was empty(they also accused him of stealing a Rolodex containing "company secrets" even though he had zero knowledge that this was going down...), they were called into a meeting saying in 2 days you will no longer be employees of ours, and were essentially sold off to these other guys, and from what was gathered the new owners told the old to fire him as part of the sale. It was as shady as shady could be which suits the companies owner to the letter.

The day or so before the 30th anniversary of employment was just pure coincidence, but still slimy as hell.

It also set a new precedence in the entire company lowering work morale to bare bottom as no one even expects to have a job day to day anymore(which also lowered productivity, and increased theft) with how they were shown to work.

[ecofeco]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

That sounds unbelievably "coincidental".

Unbelievable? That's pretty SOP in the U.S. I've seen it literally thousands of times. Intel is laying off mostly older workers in Portland Oregon right now. (search news) Yes, they are talking about age discrimination lawsuits.

But it's kind of hard to hire a lawyer when you don't have a job.

[ecofeco]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

And US based companies wonder why there is no loyalty anymore.

They never wondered. They just don't care. Most business management treat business as a right, not an opportunity that can be taken away at any time, and customers as just an impediment to their money and think the customers AND employees owe them a living.

Banks are even worse.

[Mark 85]

Re: A company I worked for was sending its management and sales teams...

And US based companies wonder why there is no loyalty anymore.

Another poster is right. They don't wonder. Back when companies were founded and owned by the family, they did care. A lot of the old guard owners preached loyalty and believed in it. When they died off and the family didn't want to run the business, they sold stock.. which leads to MBA's.. which gets us to where we are today.

Back in the 70's/80's timeframe, when the Japanese were kicking everyone's corporate butt, they had the old school philosophy of loyalty, we do well and so will you. There was a joke that all we needed to do to bring the Japanese economy to it's knees was export some Harvard MBA's their way.... I think it worked.

[The Godfather]

Well......

Does anyone ever reach those milestones......??

[Swarthy]

Re: Well......

Not any more, and they'll be saving a mint by replacing them w/ cheap, wet-behind-the-ears college grads and H1Bs.

[Darryl]

The large multinational that bought the ex-large multinational that I started working for back in the dawn of time, shut down the plant I worked in three months before my 25th anniversary. I still believe it was just to avoid spending money on a service award gift for me.

[Julian Smart]

A culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile

Er... What the frack does that mean?

And is there learning that isn't cognitive?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: A culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile

"A culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile"

I think it means people saying to you "Time to move on to somewhere you'll be appreciated"

[A K Stiles]

Re: A culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile

How about percussive education? (Or 'beating some sense into you / me / them' ?)

[Code For Broke]

Re: A culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile

That is IBMese. So much is lost in translation, but I'll give it a try:

A culture of misleading customers by the use of enigmatic phrases that suggest we are engaged in a terrifically complex business that the customer ought to understand but can't without our help.

It's mostly a game, like Mornington Crescent.

[Erik4872]

Gamification of the workplace!

I seriously doubt anyone who is a new hire at IBM will ever make any of those milestones. But for those who do, there's a totally awesome 25-year badge waiting for you on your IBM social page!

I work for a pretty staid company, so gamification of the workplace hasn't really hit here yet. But I've been reading the articles -- do Millennials really prefer badges and points to monetary awards? It seems to me that things like this would work only in companies like Google, Facebook, etc. that become your entire life. Even when I was younger I could never imagine wanting to work 16-hour days in return for "perks" that keep you there and working.

Although, this is a first for our company...they announced a few months ago that they were "harmonizing" the long service awards across countries...but they were still giving people money (just not as much.) Usually our HR is the ones slavishly copying IBM and GE...seriously, every single management fad that comes out of those places is implemented. I think it's because they have the same white shoe management consulting firm.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Gamification of the workplace!

"Usually our HR is the ones slavishly copying IBM and GE."

I think even the "fad" for Human Resources should be banned as de-humanising. A Personnel Department is much more personal sounding. I suppose calling us "resources" make it easy to fire or make redundant since a resource isn't a real person. Just a number on a spreadsheet,

[Chris King]

Re: Gamification of the workplace!

Another obligatory Dilbert...

[Tom 7]

Re: Gamification of the workplace!

That white shoe management consulting firm - I think its just a bunch of pinko commies sent to destroy capitalism in the west. Everywhere I've worked and they've brought in management consultants the management team grows and productivity falls and its never there fault.

[ecofeco]

Re: Gamification of the workplace!

But I've been reading the articles -- do Millennials really prefer badges and points to monetary awards?

Of course not, but management sure as does. For their underlings, that is.

And as this is now SOP for most companies, what choice does anyone have?

Also, most millennials I've worked with are more than willing to accept this bullshit, even to the point of willing to work for free thinking this will win them spectacular ass kissing points. And of course, it does, until they are rudely kicked to the curb.

[Dr. G. Freeman]

I just went to the cupboard that doesn't move, (the stationary stationery cupboard) and helped myself to a box of microball pens.

I think of it a good service award for not throttling the walking Durex adverts today.

[404]

Yes Sir!

I, for one, will steal your microball pen if given the opportunity to do so.

Nobody has time for crappy Bics....

[niksgarage]

For my tenth annivo at IBM I received a carriage clock. The brass case tarnished, and the mechanism stopped after a couple of years. There was a more expensive movement in my kitchen clock.

For the 25th, I took the option of John Lewis vouchers. Thanks for the dishwasher!

I received a tie, and a certificate signed personally by Louis V Gerstner. My manager tossed the envelope at me in a meeting with the words "I seem to be handing these out a lot". There was meant to be a dinner for self and invited guests, but my manager couldn't be arsed to arrange it.

It's a wonderful place to be from. At least I got to work there in its hey day - when it was 8 times bigger than its nearest rival - which was Digital Equipment Corporation.

[Inventor of the Marmite Laser]

Don't prat about.

Just gimme a bucket (large or [probably] small) of dosh.

[MonsieurTM]

Re: Don't prat about.

"Long service award" = find a better paid job elsewhere....

[Anonymous Coward]

Not just IBM...

...where I work we have "improved" it from.

From 5, 10, 15 ,and 25 years

to

5, 10 & 30 years.

And before you get to excited, A badge, a Pen, a crap carriage clock in that order. All with the company logo on, destroying any potential resale value.

Still the turn over in this place, 5 years is pretty good going. Over 15 and they are hoping for redundancy / retirement.

[Anonymous Coward]

Huh...

Posting anonymously as I'm a current IBM'er.

It's curious, but I can't find any trace of this announcement anywhere on our intranet. The Bluepoints system is still accessible, at least in EMEA.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Huh...

It's still there if you know the direct URL. Due to the negative comments, they unlinked it from the W3 page and replaced it with a version that you cannot comment on.

Wonder if Ginni (rot in hell) will only get a web page for 5 years.

I suspect she will still get some obscenely large bonus however.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Huh...

yep, I too thought this was a cleverly written parody of today's IBM, but no, its there on the intranet. Do a W3 search for "service anniversary"

[AndrueC]

Dilbert got their first.

[Chris King]

@AndrueC

He got there even earlier !

[Anonymous Coward]

Yes, I am a sad f*****g pedant, thank you.

"Dilbert got their first."

He got their first what?

[Anonymous Coward]

Assuming this is true, somebody didn't quite read the announcement in its entirety. The dinners and lunches are still taking place and it seems happening more often.

Nobody ever writes about the other side of the coin, the employees who skip from job to job, taking all that valuable training with them. That behavior has been evident for almost as long as the layoff culture.

[John 104]

@AC

Why not go from job to job? Employers are not loyal, to employees, so why is it that employees are expected to be loyal to employers?

[Justicesays]

People have to move jobs...

as it is mostly no longer possible to get pay rises by staying with the same company. If you pay for someone to become an expert in <something>, intending for them to use <something> at your workplace, you better start paying them (at or above) the market rate for that or , unsurprisingly, they will leave eventually...

Companies like IBM have gotten around this issue by never providing any worthwhile training... Training , like any expense, had to be signed off by a manager about 5 levels above your direct manager, who didn't know you, your role or what work you did , and had a non-existent budget anyway.

Needless to say, it would never be approved.

[Keven E]

Value driven "skills"

I call BS on connecting the two terms "layoff" and "culture". Spawn of satan, that is.

The only reason anyone gets lunches/dinners is that there already is an expense line item being filled out with that... they are just inviting you along for the ride.

The most actual "valuable training" is company specific. I doubt *they'll be applying it next time... unless it's finding out how much/many egotistical arseholeness will be coming at *them (or are willing to put up with.)

[Swarthy]

"Valuable Training" - WTF?!

I won't argue that training is valuable - My employers have greatly valued the training I've paid for. And they encourage me to get more. Provided I don't miss too much time getting it (although, I can save up a week of vacation time and use that to cover the days missed going to a class) and am willing to pay for it all out-of-pocket.

Oh, and also, I won't get a pay raise for getting training because "Training is a benefit we offer"

[disgruntled yank]

loyal employees

It sounds to me as if IBM has figured out how not to have loyal employees to give stuff to.

[Milton]

Flunkey-flannel

“HR at IBM has been working to deliver more personalised and consumer grade IBMer experiences from cultivating a culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile - all in support of our transformation. Now we’re re-imagining how to celebrate years of services across the world - incorporating feedback from IBM managers and employees who have asked a new approach to honour IBMer service anniversaries.”

HR flunkeys are among the worst offenders for spouting this kind of imbecilic flannel—it's as if they are physically incapable of reading the words they've just written and saying, 'Oh heck, that sounds like a bunch of insincere, deceitful crap written by someone brought up to believe that corporate-speak is a worthwhile substitute for actual thinking and communication'.

Well, I guess we should be grateful that the titanic intellect responsible for those words didn't insert a meaningless 'passionate' anywhere.

[Packet]

Re: Flunkey-flannel

Forget reading - what's worse is they believe their own dribble

Speaking as a former IBM'er contractor...

[Chris King]

"consumer grade IBMer experiences"

"consumer grade", meaning cheap, crappy and featureless ?

[Notas Badoff]

Re: "consumer grade IBMer experiences"

I'm surprised nobody mentioned that until now. "consumer grade" At that very point in the first sentence I registered 'oh fuck', and the rest of the message was only confirmation.

The H in HR is a clue. It's a "forked tongue" both coming and going.

[Dave 15]

save the effort of...

Carrying a gift home is such hard work I can imagine many feeling glad.

I wonder how many of the board feel like saving the effort of thinking how to spend their money?

[A K Stiles]

Fiscal rewards

I've seen a number of reports (articles?) suggesting that studies say money isn't a good motivator and paying people more doesn't make them happy and more productive... Strange how that doesn't seem to apply to those with chairs around the executive boardroom table though!

[ecofeco]

Re: Fiscal rewards

Doubleplus good doublespeak!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Fiscal rewards

"Strange how that doesn't seem to apply to those with chairs around the executive boardroom table though!"

Once you reach a certain level of management you are on the gravy train - monetary rewards are your right. If you are lucky you will also get some perks like government honours and quangos.

Comes the time when your current position is looking untenable - as your pet "improvements" have not delivered the goods. Get it right and you get a golden handshake to leave - and another one from the company you are joining. The previous company doesn't bad-mouth you because they are too embarrassed about the failure - and anyway they have found another "perfect" candidate with another "guaranteed" pet scheme.

At the new company you introduce your pet "improvement" scheme - which has failed at every previous company. You then recruit your lieutenants from the previous company (companies) - and in turn they bring across their favoured underlings.

The only thing that doesn't change in any of the succession of companies is the coal-face workers trying to keep the business running in spite of the constant management and ideological churn.

[e_is_real_i_isnt]

Re: Fiscal rewards

At one company I was at some executives got laptops. The laptops were eventually promoted from lower level positions to HR positions for which they were basically unqualified, except for the positions they could take. On HR career person mentioned her unhappiness with the alternative laptop promotion scheme. Was immediately fired for not being a team player.

[Potemkine]

"HR at IBM has been working to deliver more personalised and consumer grade IBMer experiences from cultivating a culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile".

Brilliant.

A such high level of BS to announce workers they will be screwed up is close to pure genius.

The guys who wrote that sh*t had for sure a good laugh at the expense of "IBMers.

[Anonymous Coward]

Capita dumped their equivalent scheme a few years ago, they didn't bother telling anybody in my office about their new policy either, apparently we didn't need to know! How very Capita.

[Chika]

That's Crapita for you. Not really a shock.

[watching IBM]

Comments welcomed at the watching IBM facebook page

Comments about this article are welcomed at the watching IBM facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/watchingIBM

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Comments welcomed at the watching IBM facebook page

*DANGER* *DANGER* *DANGER* - That is NOT the Watching IBM link/group. The real group is at:

https://www.facebook.com/alliancemember/

Obviously someone in high-level IBM manglement is phishing - please be careful out there and avoid the trap of the /watchingIBM false group.

A new level of low for IBM - trying to catch people through the ElReg comment section. You should be utterly ashamed you bunch of total shitehawks.

[Lee49]

Fraud alert Re: Comments welcomed at the watching IBM facebook page

Be aware that this post is trying to direct you to a fake Watching IBM facebook group. It appears the company or its agents are fishing. The original and official watching IBM page is here: https://www.facebook.com/alliancemember/

[gazthejourno]

Re: Fraud alert Re: Comments welcomed at the watching IBM facebook page

Splitters!

[Chika]

Re: Fraud alert Comments welcomed at the watching IBM facebook page

Oh, come on! Have some appreciation for the Judean People's Front Crack Suicide Squad!

They showed them!

[John 104]

Christmas Vacation Tirade

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQXuazYI_YU

Enough said.

[ma1010]

Recognition

I work for a government agency. We have "recognition rocks," actual painted rocks that they give out to whoever they want to recognize. You get to keep it on your desk for two weeks, and then you have to give it to someone else. Wow, am I ever motivated to go "above and beyond."

[Captain DaFt]

Re: Recognition

"We have "recognition rocks," actual painted rocks that they give out to whoever they want to recognize. You get to keep it on your desk for two weeks, and then you have to give it to someone else."

Hmm, that might actually motivate me.

If I get to pick who gets it and how hard I can throw it. >:)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Recognition

Hack The Rock! If someone were to hollow out a rock with a diamond cup drill and insert a little electronic circuit in there, endless angst and epic conspiracy theories will follow. It doesn't really have to work, but, "zero energy" ZigBee could be fun or maybe an "almost hidden" LED lighting up occasionally. For the lazy, the guts from a talking greeting card is good too.

At former work we had years of fun by installing a small, but visible, microphone-lookalike temperature sensor in the coffee area with a long, labelled, cable trailing off to nowhere in particular. Nobody dared touch it, everybody worried about if it was really listening.

[TheProf]

Only 2 years

Only 2 years before I get my ElReg '10 Years of Being a Commentard' award!

(Joined as a lad 25 June 2008. Now a shambling idiot.)

I hope the celebrations don't involve overseas travel as my passport has expired.

[The Man Who Fell To Earth]

If it ain't cash, it's just trash.

<EOM>

[Uncle Ron]

Miserable and Despicable

"We will cut our way to growth."

The MBA's employed by IBM have been trained in nothing but cost-cutting, cost-containment, expense control, and monitizing, monitizing, monitizing. Developing and exploiting a new technology is not something they know anything about. Buzzwords, hype, and nonsense complexity is all they know how to do. It is a total shame that IBM has come to this. But it was inevitable that the virus of B.S. would spread uncontrollably across the Apple Orchard and beyond.

IBM Fellows are not listened to, and the empty suits (and dresses) are the only voices with power. Too Damn Bad. Continually slapping employees in the face is certainly -not- a good strategy.

[ecofeco]

Re: Miserable and Despicable

Continually slapping employees in the face is certainly -not- a good strategy.

It does eventually backfire.

[Anonymous Coward]

A chum of mine is being "encouraged" to use an internal intranet Facebook-alike social networking thingy in the interests of - amongst other things - collaboration.

She showed me what she is expected to sign up to, to use the facility her employer (a large multinational) in encouraging her to use. It contains these gems:

"WE shall have no liability of any nature with respect to the use of, or for damages resulting from the use of any information contained on THE SERVICE by the USER. The USER shall indemnify and hold US harmless from and against all claims, damages, losses and expenses (including legal fees and expenses) with respect thereto and shall waive all rights of recourse against US.

"WE make no representation or warranty, express or implied, of the accuracy and completeness nor any warranty of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose with respect to the information contained on THE SERVICE. The USER shall indemnify and hold US harmless from and against any claims with respect thereto and shall waive all rights of recourse against US.

Apparently she's going nowhere near that one.

[goldcd]

I get $100 before tax

each time I hit a 5 year anniversary.

I can only assume at some point it was something decent.. but now.. well it just riles me, but fortunately provides me just enough to get shit-faced and moan.

[Anonymous Coward]

"...deliver more personalised and consumer grade IBMer experiences from cultivating a culture of feedback to cognitive learning that’s more mobile"

BINGO!!! (Apologies to anyone who already announced bingo)

[Elf]

Damnit, I wasn't paying attention to my card! But you're right, and didn't even have to use the FREE space. Well played mate.

[Anonymous Coward]

MORNINGTON CRESCENT

[ben_myers]

A huge pile of stinking horse manure

"...re-imagining how to celebrate years of services across the world." This is a huge pile of stinking horse manure. And "re-imagine" is my choice of the year for a word that should never have been. Who in hell invented it? But it does enhance the smell here.

[Lion]

IBM, the good, the bad and the ugly

I worked for IBM for three decades and retired over 10 years ago. People of my generation did that then and NO we did not believe the propaganda produced by the company brass. I was in a tech department and our first line managers knew not to BS us. I have a collection of cross pens and other gifts. I chose a telescope as my retirement gift.

I'll share one special experience I had at IBM. It was my first year of employment and my manager told me that there was a nice Christmas lunch in the cafeteria that day. I lined up behind a never ending line and a gentleman joined the line after me. We talked a bit as the line moved slowly forward and after finally getting a plate of food the gentleman pointed to an empty table and asked me to join him. We talked about a lot of stuff including fishing (I do not fish). After lunch I was told by others who had seen me there that day that he was the CEO. I thought they were having me on so I went to the main lobby to check out the picture board - it was him.

I do not think that what we are hearing about now is a generation thing. Advisers to management are primarily sociopaths. This gift situation is an example of an idea from a person with an extreme antisocial attitude and a lack of conscience. They show up in all generations.

[Anonymous Coward]

Hey bae IBM-er <3

...you fill in the rest.

[Tom 7]

A badge, a Pen, a crap carriage clock.

Nowadays you'd get an iWatch and have to buy your own iPhone so they can watch you when having a crap.

At home as well as work.

[Duffaboy]

It could be worse

Logans Run anybody ?

Seriously you know when a company is in trouble when they try and save pennies

[Tom 7]

Re: It could be worse

"Seriously you know when a company is in trouble when they try and save pennies". I've seen a lot of incentive schemes where you save the company money and you get a cut of it. I'm guessing someone has worked out you can save a few thousand dollars a year on carriage clocks (and the storage thereof) and everyone who has ever had one thought - yeh fuckit lets save the company some money. But like everything of this ilk the visible effect on the accounts is by far exceeded by the invisible effect on morale. They are not in trouble when they start to do this but they soon will be.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: It could be worse

Back in the day when the Watsons ran IBM, employee loyalty was a priority. And it was dam**d difficult to fire anyone. (I know because I had a totally incompetent employee whose defense was "But I have a degree from Stanford!". ) And back in the day, IBM had a program where an employee who proposed and spearheaded a cost reduction activity got 10% of the first year's cost savings. I know a number of colleagues who took home several tens of thousands of dollars back when that was a lot of money.

[Chris King]

Re: It could be worse

"Logans Run anybody ?"

Except this lot would make you pedal the bikes to power the Carousel, for the folks in the batch ahead of you.

[Matt Bryant]

Not just IBM.

One big multinational I worked for realised they were wasting money on a five, ten and fifteen year reward scheme because it was rare for anyone to make it to five years. People treated you like an "old-timer" if you got past two years! Consequently they scrapped the rewards and instigated a scheme where you got an automated email "from the CEO" every year on your employment anniversary - not even a paper letter or card, just a robo email!

At another, our scheming department manager said he would give everyone a choice - a cake for their team to share or individual lunch out with him (which meant forty-plus free lunches a year for greedypants) - he was rather upset when everyone, to a man, chose the cake option!