Meanwhile, in other news
"Customer satisfaction is at an all time high," Mr Mehdi told me.
"We've had over 135 billion hours of usage since the launch."
And that's just the stupid fuckers who keep pressing the big red X thing in the corner thinking it will cancel the install, the mugs. Real world usage is through the roof. Literally. The amount of people that have chucked their laptops skyward in protest is phenomenal. It's almost as if they are so annoyed that they don't care about wrecking a perfectly good machine in anger.
It's almost like we have driven them in to some kind of nervous breakdown, where destroying their own property, that they will have to later replace (and not forgetting annoying their neighbours [who likes getting a 5lb object chucked repeatedly at their floor by the people downstairs?]) because they can't control their actions anymore as they are too emotionally incensed, is their only last course of action.
Basically, they are just going off the fucking rails. I would say this is a good day for Microsoft. If we can drive them to real life live suicide via Skype, I would say my job here at Redmond is done. Said Dr. Swhediforyourheadi.
I have completed the work that amateurs like monkey boy Ballmer only ever dreamed about. Developer, developers, developers, my little pink and brown arsehole! It's all about the updates, the updates, the updates!
Top that motherfuckers!
"I have personally had several personal hand-written letters from parents giving birth to their new children, and do you know what they ask me? I will tell you. They ask me if they can name their new-born not just after me - Mr. Mehdi - but can I actually call my son 'Microsoft' and my daughter 'Microsoftelle' - yes they do - they really bloody do, it's true I tell you. Of course, I personally answer each and everyone of these individuals, all 56,00000 of them, and tell them 'By all means, go forth and multiply with the name of the good lord, by his works ye shall know him, and by his name will be your protection'. Honestly. I really do. Yep."
I really don't see how things could be going any better at all for the folks at Redmond. Can you?
They've cornered the search market with Bing. They've cornered the phone market with the er, winphone thingie. They've cornered the advertising and social media market with Google, no wait, that actually was Google, oh well. Can't have everything I suppose, but data-raping all our customer's machines is a start!
But god damn it, they have absolutely cornered the OPERATING SYSTEM market, with Win X. Yes they have. And the best part is, most of the mugs don't realise that they will have to start paying for it soon, or else they lose their work. Wait until you see their little faces when the photo they took of their little 4 yr old ends up on a kiddie porn website and THEY get the blame! My aching sides. Can you imagine trying to 'sell' that one to the neigbours? No, me, neither.
One day soon, the magnificence of Microsoft will be truly known. A few more weeks and a few more days, and I get to wear my T-Shirt: "I fucking told you so, ya mugs".
This party hasn't even started to get warmed up yet...
The revolution may not be televised, but if it's on the internet, I'll be watching it, on Linux!
Meanwhile, reality sets in for the two most dangerous patients at the secure medical facility in the underground bunker at Redmond. A slow-trudging nurse, resigned to her fate, but good at her job, does the thing she does 3 times a day, 5 times a week, 48 weeks of the year - she reaches into her little stash-cart and deposits the little blue eggs into the little plastic cups that she gives to her patients. "MOTHER!", they cry out, but sadly, it is not Mother, it is nurse Microsoft, and her little helper. "Bill, would ya like to help me out here mister and administer this here extra-dosage to this very disruptive individual?" Bill's eyes light up. "Oh yes, excellent!" he says as he rubs his hands with glee. "I want Melissa to experience this too".
Mr. MehdiHeadiReadyFreddy takes his medicine like a man. He smiles, it's almost as if he enjoys it. "Don't worry, my child, I've scheduled you in for a visit from big Steve next week", he says, not menacingly at all, as he soothingly pats back the hair on his brow. Dr. MehdiReadySteadyFreddy dribbles, but smiles. He knows what this means.
"You really need to do better with those press releases, don't you?"
"Gurgle. Splat. Globules."
This was the insane hell that had become Microsoft by the beginning of the 21st Century.
It had quite obviously stopped being about OPERATING SYSTEMS by this point.
[yours, an anonymous insider]
"Yes, my child."
"Customer satisfaction is at an all time high."
"Yes it is my child, shush now, it's alright, customer satisfaction, all time high, yes my child, yes, yes, customer, satisfaction, all, time, high, shoosh, shhhhhooooooshhh now."