back to article DARPA demands brand-new command … IN SPAAACE!

DARPA wants to out-Star-Trek the Trekkies and create the kind of flight deck it reckons it'll need to cope with a future when hostilities could extend to space. The problem, the US military's blue-sky skunkworks says, is that there's already too much stuff in orbit (most of it junk). The high-tech-looking rooms full of screens …

  1. Alister

    Well from the artist's impression, it appears all they need are some big LED monitors and a few tablets dotted about.

    There you go, sorted, I'll send you the bill shortly.

    1. james 68

      My thoughts exactly, a room full of screens is obsolete so they're gonna replace it with a room full of screens. To me it looks kind of barrelish and smells distinctly of pork.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        And it will be defeated by a bunch of peasants in orbit, armed with AK-47...

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A big seat

    With a douchebag in it shouting at several people with an iPad pro each.

    Kirk: All power to the engines. Warp factor 9 Mr Scot.

    Scottie: The damn ship is upgrading to iOS 27 and the 16GB of space can't handle it. Plus battery life is at 9%.

    Kirk: Bones I need you to assist ASAP.

    Bones: Damn it Jim im a Fandroid not a Fanboi.

    Kirk: Checkov what do you suggest?

    Checkov: Kiptin eef only we use leeeneex. I hev livecd in drive booting.

    Kirk: *facepalms* Ok...Mr Scott sudo pacman -S all power to the Linux.

    Scott: Aye captain. Repos synching...she's gonna make it.

    *ship goes into warp*

    *warp drive fails*

    Scott: Installation failed captain. One of the dependcies has a hyphen in the version number.

    Kryten: Mr Kirk your lobster and ketchup sir. *head explodes*

    Ace Rimmer: *beams in kicks Kirk out his chair* Mr Scott, Ace Rimmer here. How the devilbare you?

    Scott: Thank god! We're having dependency issues Mr Ace.

    Ace Rimmer: Not a problem you magnificent bastard have you considered trying the snap package.

    Scott: Aye sir. But theres a chance the loop devices wont unmount properly and the packages wont remove.

    Ace Rimmer: Don't worry Mr Scott we've been assured by The Canonicals that this will be fixed soon. Just gonfor it.

    Scott: Aye sir. systemctl enable snapd. systemctl start snapd. Service enabled and started sir.

    Ace Rimmer: snap find the right package then snap install that tricky blighter.

    Scott: Package installed. But we now have an extra core down here captain. Its gonna go critical! be continued

    1. Known Hero

      Re: A big seat

      This need to be weekly !!!

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: A big seat

        It's like a remake of DEC Wars, but by JJ Abrams not by that fat unfunny guy.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: A big seat

        I only stopped because my train arrived.

        If I could find an illustrator id totally be up for giving a crack at the ongoing tech problems plaguing the enterprise.

        The Reg bites the Hand that feeds IT but I think its time somebody lived long and mocked IT.

        Reg? Gief money plz.

  3. John Smith 19 Gold badge

    Or perhaps get rid of the millions of junk fragments already in space?

    My instinct says laser charge them, then get them to spiral through the Earth's mag field to burn up.

    But that's not going to happen.

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

      Re: Or perhaps get rid of the millions of junk fragments already in space?

      All we need are lots and lots of laser pointers ... and more power ...

  4. John 110


    Hasn't Hallmark already been used as a name! I'm gonna have to be extra careful not to send granny a satellite instead of a card on Granny's Day...

  5. MAF

    I'm sorry I can't do that...

    Hallmark Software Testbed (Hallmark-ST).now to be further shortened to HAL.

    They are heavily into rapid development. There's been 8999 versions already and

    they're prepping the next one - what could go wrong?

  6. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

    Why dont

    DAAAARPA just buy a monster PC, a VR headset and decent headphones, then buy a copy of Elite dangerous.... or one of the other space sims out there and see what fun can be had.

  7. Known Hero

    why on earth (excuse the pun) are DARPA even considering having all their command staff in one room, in space ?!?

    A padded cell with VR helmet is more par for course I suspect.

  8. AndrueC Silver badge

    A direct link to the brain is probably the ultimate command centre.

    1. Big_Boomer Silver badge

      Until a Hacker uploads a SpamBot to your brain and you spend the rest of your life spouting off about cheap Cialis and cheap Oakleys.

  9. energystar

    Best bang for the buck...

    Is on funding open, multinational research on the field of prevention [Each [Multi]National Technology in need of Unique Solutions]. Bad design inflicting the worst damages to Near Orbit Environment.

  10. energystar

    Structural Integrity...

    Even in case of catastrophic damage, one of the best Lines of Investigation. Easier to pull down an object that a pile of debris.

    And here is where sail designs could be used as brakes. Also every flying Nation (ComNation) should start works on ion micro-engines.

  11. energystar

    Time to put REAL Shuttles up there...

    Remembering those HUGE power boats, Handling Ships at Port Areas. Maybe Ion Powered (and Rechargeable)?

    As for debris: What about iron embedded in every material (even paints (why are paints used))? Then just turn on your MTesla magnets. Inspired on Astronaut comment on how everything loose ends at ventilation screens ;)

  12. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

    pffft, easy

    Elite HUD.


  13. Neoc

    So... they're going to make people spend their (8 hours?) shift standing up and constantly pointing at things.

    Yeah - fatigue, anyone?

  14. Christian Berger


    Well commercial satellite operators probably already have such systems to inform them of nearby objects, after all once you have the kepler data of those objects (which is usually freely available) you can just predict where they are. Or they just don't care about small objects as those aren't in the databases anyhow.

    Furthermore, satellite operators can actually look up and see what's going on there.

  15. localzuk Silver badge

    Too much junk?

    Surely fiddling around with command and control kind of misses the point. If there's too much junk up there, we should be finding ways to get it down here again!

    Space hoovers. Limpit drones. Whatever, it doesn't matter how, we just need to clean the place up!

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