back to article Aussie wedges spam javelin in ring spanner

An Australian man whose penis somehow became lodged in a ring spanner earlier this week was freed in the traditional manner - by a fire crew bearing an angle grinder. According to this local report, "firies" were called to a hospital in the New South Wales city of Tweed Heads on Monday to perform what for them is apparently …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    How impressive?

    What size spanner did he manage to get it trapped in? I'm only going to be impressed if it was eye wateringly small, or something at the other end of the spectrum, like the spanner I use on the car water pump.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How impressive?

      Whichever - that is not a steel pipe or something else which is easy to cut. That is forged steel or even worse - some high tech alloy.

      I admire the steady hand of whoever cut it as this would have taken (depending on the quality of the spanner) anything north of half an hour.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        Re: How impressive?

        Spanners are drop-forged then case-hardened, that is they are hard on the outside and tough on the inside - else they would deform when used or shatter if dropped.

        Instead of cutting it off, they could heat the spanner, then rapidly quench it and then twat it with a large hammer, thus shattering the spanner and liberating the man's tool... oh, wait... well, I guess he wouldn't do it again!

      2. Little Mouse Silver badge

        Re: "I admire the steady hand of whoever cut"

        And I pity the poor fireman who had to "hold everything steady", so to speak.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: "I admire the steady hand of whoever cut"

          And I pity the poor fireman who had to "hold everything steady", so to speak.

          I guess once upon a time they'd have called the vice squad.

    2. Matt Bryant Silver badge

      Re: Ledswinger Re: How impressive?

      ".....I'm only going to be impressed....." Upvote for the sentiment, but I can't say I find the idea impressive regardless of the size of spanner used by the spanner.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: How impressive?

      Anon because I have "inside" information...

      it was eye wateringly small

      I am informed it was 7/16 inch (11mm).

      The tool used to remove it is specially created to cut rings from fingers

  2. Cynical Observer

    We do quite a few of them.

    Would someone please tell the Aussies.......

    You're holding it wrong!

  3. Anonymous Coward

    It's got to be said....

    ..what a tool.

  4. Aristotles slow and dimwitted horse Silver badge


    That picture.

  5. AbelSoul

    Who knew?

    Wanking Spanner isn't just a euphemism for hand but literally an actual spanner?

    Every day's a school day, etc....

  6. Fink-Nottle

    Not for me thanks ... have you seen the size of spanner crabs?

  7. frank ly

    Why didn't he ....

    .... just give it a good twist to unscrew it, wiggle it out of the ring spanner (apply WD-40 as needed) and then refit it?

  8. Swarthy Silver badge

    Getting stuck in a ring spanner (box wrench)...

    may just about beat out the 13 steel rings. I highly doubt that the rings were heavy-duty drop-forged tool steel. Spanners are made out of stern stuff: think about how easily they round off bolt heads, and how little damage they take in exchange. Add to that, the weight of one dangling off the danglies, and this is a truly cringe-worth experience.

    But it serves as a reminder (for those that need it) to keep your tool away from the tools.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The term "ring spanner" threw me for a minute, but then I remembered what they're called this side of the pond: "box wrenches". Odd that we don't hear of more cases over here, then.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge

      Odd really, as over here a box spanner is a completely different beast to a ring spanner.

      Hopefully that should clarify things.

      1. Roq D. Kasba

        I would suggest something like this is a safer bet for the old todger...

        1. VinceH

          Probably worth mentioning that you're referring to the adjustable and not the hole at the other end.

      2. Scarsdale

        Oh my. That clarifies many things, and also makes the associated mental picture much worse.

        Thanks, I guess. Which way to the eye-wash station?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "[...] called this side of the pond: "box wrenches"."

      For an instant I read that as "box wenches".

    3. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Not odd at all.. unless it's about Kartrashian's ass size, very little of the Bootnote Worthy stories like this will ever make the press. Something about somewhat Victorian morals in the press or maybe it's the religious types who scream loudly.

  10. Sir Sham Cad

    He obviously

    needed to tighten his nuts.

    1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Paris Hilton

      Re: He obviously

      needed to tighten his nuts

      Shirley he was trying to get his nuts off?

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge

        Re: He obviously

        WD-40, a wrench/spanner, and a hammer and possibly a chisel... err.... wrong nuts. Nevermind.

  11. Mike Moyle

    Did he make the classic mistake of trying to use a metric wrench on an imperial head? 'Cause that'll do it every time!

    1. Gavin King

      Maybe he thought it was Whitworth?

  12. Paul Crawford Silver badge

    King Dick

    The only choice for serious nut-gripping!

    1. Peter Simpson 1

      Re: King Dick

      I would have gone with Ridgid Tools, myself

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: King Dick

        For quality you'd choose Snap-On surely?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Makes y'wonder

    what he uses his cock for?

  14. Peter Simpson 1


    Righty - tighty, lefty - loosey!

    Maybe his was a left-hand thread?

    1. Dwarf Silver badge

      Re: Remember

      I expect that if he had a Lucy in the first place, then he wouldn't need the righty tights either.

      Note - The "righty tights" are the female equivalents of Wallaces "wrong trousers" as you look like a spanner wearing them. Perhaps that's the mistake he made.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    did he run out of cloths for cleaning his filthy tool, or...

    ...was he just flossing it?

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Competition Time on 'El Reg'

    Do you frequently jam your bell-end into something you shouldn't? then send us a foto! The most 'Alarming' entry will win you a 6TB seagate HDD!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Competition Time on 'El Reg'

      Does my mates missus count?

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: Does my mates missus count?

        Not for him, but she does for the rest of us!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Competition Time on 'El Reg'

      A church and every week a load of parishioners come round and pull it.

      Do I win?

  17. kain preacher

    I under stand why they called the fire dept,but is it just me or have the FD become experts at this stuff?next time just go to the FD instead.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "next time just go to the FD instead"

      You need the medics on hand in case the man with the angle grinder starts to giggle.

      Clearly people should be required to pass a test before being allowed to use anything but open ended spanners. That, or ring spanners sold to the general public should have some kind of safety release.

    2. Oengus

      In Oz the Fire department are actually "Fire and Rescue". They are responsible all things from removing superglued objects to cutting people out of crashed cars. The Firetrucks can carry the large equipment (Air Compressors and Hydraulic pumps) required to operate the machinery.

  18. Contrex

    When I was a teenager a friend's dad (a doctor) told us how, in his student days, a Nigerian sailor had come to St Thomas' Hospital with his todger trapped in a short length of gas pipe. He'd left it too long and the part poking out of the pipe was gangrenous. Only amputation would save his life. When he came round and was told what had happened, he was "very angry" apparently. It's still there, pipe and all, in a jar in a collection, apparently.

  19. x 7

    he must have felt a real tool.....

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Was his....

    ...missus getting shorn so he had to improvise?

    Personally I would have suggested quickly cutting it off and throwing the useless Australian away.

  21. David Roberts

    Difference between a ring and a box?

    Be careful when visiting the States is all I can say.

    Oh, and don't ask to bum a fag.

    O.K. O.K. I'll get it......

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Difference between a ring and a box?

      Be careful when visiting the States is all I can say.

      Oh, and don't ask to bum a fag.

      But we love the smell of napalm in the morning.

  22. Stevie


    Yesyesyes, penis in a spanner, right.

    But as usual, The Register abrogates even the merest shred of journalistic rigor and fumbles the realquestion: metric or AF?

    1. KA1AXY

      Re: Bah!

      According to the photo accompanying TFA, metric, 22mm

      1. Dan 55 Silver badge

        Re: Bah!

        How many linguines is that? Very remiss of El Reg not to give the standard units.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bah!

        You will notice that that spanner is in tact... From "inside information" the actual spanner was a 7/16th inch imperial AF spanner.

  23. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

    now if it was the raf....

    Going off tails from an airframe technician I'm acquainted with, if you want to break a spanner just use liquid nitrogen, then hit/throw on floor.

    Extra points were awarded for having the balls to get a new one acquisitioned from the quartermaster and handing back a handful of metal chunks to explain what happened to the last one.

    1. PNGuinn

      Re: now if it was the raf....

      Mmm ... I was thinking along similar lines ...

      1. Carefully apply liquid nitrogen as needed.

      2. Hit sharply with appropriate precision calibrator - 1 lb model with claw should be suitably frightening.

      3. Sweep up shattered bits into bin.

      4. Send recovered ring spanner off for decontamination.


  24. Winkypop Silver badge

    Emergency plumbing

    It could have been MUCH worse.

    He could have called out one of those 24 hour plumbing outfits.

    That would have made his eyes REALLY water.

  25. sitew

    Some stern advice necessary

    Bet they gave him a good torque-ing to ....

  26. x 7

    anyone who gets trapped like this must be a nutcase

  27. ShadowDragon8685

    And once again, Firemen in the rest of the world are hardcore compared to American Firemen (which is saying something, since Green Berets think firefighters are badasses,) but the medical professionals are pants-on-head retarded.

    Leftpondian doctors solve this problem by draining the fluid hydraulicly trapping the appendage in the offending object.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Everyone else could do that too...the angle-grinder is just to discourage them from doing it again.

    2. x 7

      "Leftpondian doctors solve this problem by draining the fluid hydraulicly trapping the appendage in the offending object."

      leeches, thats what you need

  28. TRT Silver badge

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