back to article Pothole campaigner sprays Surrey street with phallic paintings

A tarmac vigilante with a tin of spray paint has attempted to shame a local council into filling-in potholes in Cock Lane, Fetcham, England, by daubing penises the length of the thoroughfare. The irate road campaigner has been dubbed the Cock Lane Crusader, after spraying their penis images around the Surrey street’s notorious …

  1. Danny 14 Silver badge

    Looked at the pictures of "potholes". those aren't potholes, the top surface of the road is a bit worn. You want to come up north and look at the potholes we have, you can bath your dog in some of them.

    1. Bc1609

      Yeah, those aren't potholes. Try driving near the border between Kent and East Sussex - there are pretty massive chunks just missing for several feet in all dimensions and the roads are effectively single-lane. Being southern I'm sure they don't compare to your massive holes up North, which are used for housing entire families who work 72 hours a day for a florin and are grateful for the privilege, but it's pretty bad. I don't know whether it's a council-border issue (Kent and Sussex both claiming it's the other's responsibility) or what, but it's been like that for years. The cockwombler responsible for the doodles above is being rather petty.

      Having said that, I've got a can of paint in the garage and it probably won't hurt to try and spur the council into action...

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Spur the council...

        Cock-spur?

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser

          Re: Spur the council...

          Proof - The penis; mightier than the sword

          Should give the council the willies

      2. lawndart

        Northern potholes are usually caused by incorrect methods of licking the road clean and made worse by excessive gravel consumption before starting the day's work at the mill.

        1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

          But they do provide excellent cheap housing for an entire family

          1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

            Oh, we used to dream of living in a pothole in the middle of the road!

      3. DiViDeD Silver badge

        Re Kent and Sussex both claiming it's the other's responsibility

        That'll be East Sussex holding it up then. There's a lot of old money in East Sussex, and I can remember, when I lived there, the local response to demands from HM Gov to make more land available for development (ie housing for new people coming in to OUR county) was a flurry of land sales involving foot square 'plots' being titled up and sold to the locals, just to make it harder for developers to buy building land.

        A friend of mine travelled down from the Midlands and bemoaned the state of our roads: "Not a single dual carriageway or motorway, just narrow winding roads and high hedges. Why don't the council do something about the roads? You'd get far more visitors and it would open up the county to development."

        I remember thinking "Yes, you kinda answered your own question there, didn't you?"

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      re. bath your dog in some of them

      they're nothing like we get 'em, you can bath and drown your neighbours dogi in some of them. And then do the same with the whole local council, and they'll still be there!

      1. grumpy-old-person

        Colliding with a donkey

        There is the tale of the fellow who wrecked his car when he collided with a donkey.

        Asked how he did not see the donkey he replied that it was in a pothole and all that was visible was the ears!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      You want to come up north and look at the potholes we have, you can bath your dog in some of them.

      You 'ain't no proper northerner if yer bath yer fooking dog. Yers a fooking p**f.

      Sorry, that's my tourettes combining with my inner voices.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Ha... you call that a pothole? I have seen full size mattresses thrown into potholes by disgusted drivers in the city of Philadelphia. If you roll on low profile tires in the U.S. North East corridor there you'll need to memorize the locations or face the consequences.

      1. Triggerfish

        Ha... you call that a pothole?

        Well if we are going down that route, I used to live somewhere that after heavy rains I would have a slow drive round and check as potholes..... (ok chunks of road) deep and long enough to swallow a Toyota Hilux would often appear, usually at the bottom of steep roads with 90 degree bends.

    5. Glenturret Single Malt

      Here in Perthshire, the council has responded to the pothole problem by changing the definition of a pothole from minimum 40cm diameter to minimum 60cm.

    6. Alan Brown Silver badge

      "You want to come up north and look at the potholes we have, you can bath your dog in some of them."

      No need. Some of the Surrey potholes are just as bad. As you say, Cock Lane's just a bit worn, but when you have to spend £2k repairing the underside of a VW Polo after hitting a pothole masquerading as a puddle at under 20mph as one of my cow orkers recently did (2 broken wheels, front suspension ripped out), then you realise Surrey has a few contenders for "bad" (Bad enough that a cyclist died a few weeks ago after hitting one and being thrown - no cars involved).

      I've actually had Surrey roads "engineers" tell me they know XYZ road is full of potholes but they have zero intention of fixing them as it slows traffic down. They also refuse to deal with overhanging vegetation which violate published highway authority limits, either flat-out denying a problem exists or saying cleaning up "would alter the character of the road" - a statement which is explicitly prohibited by Defra.

      On an IT angle - there's the issue of dead street lights and blocked gulley traps which are not in the county database, can't be added and therefore can't be fixed - having been that way for years. Surrey have a habit of acknowledging, FOIs then "losing" them too.

      1. SImon Hobson Silver badge

        > ... when you have to spend £2k repairing ...

        As long as you have evidence that the council knew about the pothole (and failed to repair it promptly) then they will pay out for repairs. They know that if you can't be fobbed off with the "nowt to do with us" type letters and you take them to court then they'll lose. But you (or your colleague) may have to persist a bit.

        > I've actually had Surrey roads "engineers" tell me they know XYZ road is full of potholes but they have zero intention of fixing them

        Which means they are automatically liable for any damage caused to vehicles as a result.

        I know people who've had the council pay for new tyres and wheels.

  2. djstardust

    Councils

    Funny how they can find £100k roles for "Diversity Manager" and "Language Translation Specialist" but when it comes to, you know, the things tax payers want there's no money.

    Public toilets, Libraries, Swimming Pools, Roads ....

    Aberdeen City Council has cut £900k from the sport and elderly care budgets, but found a million to put in a cycle lane no-one will use.

    This country needs a revolution and soon.

    1. frank 3

      Re: Councils

      Wow, they ploughed a whole 1.7% of their roads capex budget into bike facilities. The other £58m will be spent on new roads.

      Yes, I can see why you are aggrieved.

      Nevermind that most people don't bike in cities because they are scared to. So, separating out cars and bikes will encourage cycling: reducing congestion and therefore is a win-win for both driver and cyclist. You are definitely right to be angry.

      How does one spell 'massively entitled bellend' again?

      Oh: just like that.

    2. JC_

      Re: Councils

      Aberdeen City Council has cut £900k from the sport and elderly care budgets, but found a million to put in a cycle lane no-one will use.

      No-one? The count of cyclists in Aberdeen was up 23% in 2014; decent cycling infrastructure results in more cycling, which means less pollution, fewer road deaths, and a healthier (and wealthier) population.

      It's beyond ironic to bitch about cycling on an article about potholes when road damage caused by a vehicle is proportional to the the fourth-power of the vehicle axle weight.

      1. petur
        Facepalm

        Re: Councils

        djstardust probably forgets that every bike on the road is one less car in front of you in the traffic jam.

        But do motorist thank us for that? Nahhh....

        We should organise a yearly use-the-car day where everybody leaves their bike on the side and comes by car. Worst traffic jams ever....

        1. 0x407ab506

          Re: Councils

          Cyclist seem to be taught to use the same space as a car now, so it is worse than a car traffic jam, because it is slow and you worry for the fuckers. I used to cycle everywher, but we knew not to take up the whole road.

          1. JC_

            Re: Councils

            "it is slow and you worry for the fuckers"

            It's kind of you to worry about people on bicycles, AKA mums, dads, friends, colleagues, children and other assorted fuckers.

            The fact is that traffic here in London moves no faster than horse-drawn carriages did a century ago; in fact, a running chicken out-paces drivers and bicycles certainly do as well.

            You may feel that cyclists are holding you up, but they aren't, other drivers going nowhere fast in their cars are.

            As Chris Boardman says, cycling is just a means to an end: space (and time) efficient, reliable, cheap and healthy urban transportation. It should be supported because it's the best way to achieve this goal. You may disagree, but if you do, what is your alternative plan?

            1. druck Silver badge
              Thumb Down

              Re: Councils

              JC_ wrote:

              You may feel that cyclists are holding you up, but they aren't, other drivers going nowhere fast in their cars are.

              No, somewhere ahead of that queue of cars will be a bus or a lorry doing under 10mph because they can't overtake a cyclist on a narrow road.

              1. anonymous boring coward Silver badge

                Re: Councils

                Which is why we need a proper infrastructure for cycling.

                It's so UNFAIR! Everyone knows that the motorists own the roads.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: Councils

                  It's so UNFAIR! Everyone knows that the motorists PAY FOR the roads.

                  FTFY. Bloody cyclists should cycle on dirt tracks. Saddle sniffing tossers.

          2. Triggerfish

            Re: Councils 0x407ab506

            I think it depends where you are, I have certainly ridden in some places where you need to take up that space, just so that people do not end up driving through you without seeing you, don't blame cyclists for taking up the road in those circumstances, blame shit drivers who are incapable of payig attention and have a lot of ego over their rights on the road.

            Same time I have seen the taking up the road thing and dawdling done when uneeded and often have a little daydram about running them down.

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: Councils

          "We should organise a yearly use-the-car day where everybody leaves their bike on the side and comes by car. Worst traffic jams ever...."

          If their driving is as bad as their riding it certainly would be,

      2. The First Dave

        Re: Councils

        "It's beyond ironic to bitch about cycling on an article about potholes when road damage caused by a vehicle is proportional to the the fourth-power of the vehicle axle weight."

        Not really - that just goes to show that cars do no significant damage if a road has been constructed well enough for busses to run on them. Not that they always are, but still.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Councils

          "That means cars in central London now travel at the speed of a running chicken, instead of a running house mouse."

          New units for the Reg?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    At least it wasn't the GoatSex guy.

    If you REALLY want to force them to do something about the road, then doodle the Goatsex image around the pothole instead.

    1. Arthur the cat Silver badge

      Re: At least it wasn't the GoatSex guy.

      If you REALLY want to force them to do something about the road, then doodle the Goatsex image around the pothole instead.

      I wonder if it's possible to get a mobile large format inkjet printer that will work on any surface. We've got some huge potholes round here that are 5/6 years old with nothing done about them.

      1. Captain DaFt

        Re: At least it wasn't the GoatSex guy.

        "We've got some huge potholes round here that are 5/6 years old with nothing done about them."

        Just do what everybody else does, plant trees!

      2. Peter Simpson 1
        Coat

        Re: At least it wasn't the GoatSex guy.

        goatse.cx...mobile large format inkjet printer...

        I think the solution is simpler: a single stencil of a grasping hand, applied to each side of the pothole.

        Use only the amount of technology necessary to adequately address the problem, and no more.

        // rattling cans and pain splotches, please

      3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: Large format ink jet printer

        "I wonder if it's possible to get a mobile large format inkjet printer that will work on any surface."

        Try the So Nice Development Facadeprinter, I guess it could be modified to your needs.

  4. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

    Cock Lane?

    I bet the residents are 'Crowing' about the publicity this story is getting.

    Next stop on the tour-bus for the Japanese perhaps?

    1. Fr. Ted Crilly

      Re: Cock Lane?

      yes that’s right,

      Cock Lane Feltcham, Surrey.

      What's Funny about that???

      1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken

        Re: Cock Lane?

        Heh, "Surrey"... *giggle*

  5. cd

    Wouldn't labia be more appropriate?

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Lay-by did you say? They have those at the side of the road anyway. Usually surrounded by bushes. Some of them you can even get a hot meal in or, if you're really desperate, have a pee.

      1. Hollerithevo

        @TRT, tell me...

        ...you're single, right? Have trouble getting and keeping a g/f? Suspecting so.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: @TRT, tell me...

          @Hollerithevo

          I find that having a sense of humour is the most important aspect of interpersonal relationships, not the occasional pee in a roadside lav. Mind you, hanging around public conveniences too often could lead to uncomfortable questions from your partner. Or the law in George Michael's case.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Sounds like ...

    ... a bit of a cock up.

    Mines the one with the funny bulge in it.

  7. PaulAb

    You call those potholes!.. Eeee when I was a lad....

    We 'ad to climb down pot'ole pickup t' horse that fell in it brush it off and carry on further daaan t' road t' fall in t' next one, and do t' same again, then go home and get thrashed ba' me dad's tarmac shovel, then we 'ad 'ovis for tea before the pre-bed time thrashing with t' shovel again.

    Or grandad lived in pot'ole he loved it, Council came t' repair it'- 'e wouldn't get out so they dug him in as well, We all laughed about that.

    1. Jos V

      Re: You call those potholes!.. Eeee when I was a lad....

      You 'ad a shovel? Luxury!

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: You call those potholes!.. Eeee when I was a lad....

        Wow you got t' bury your Grandad, we ended up cremating ours, saved on coal for a day or two.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    They are not pot holes. I think the person who did this has made a cock of himself.

    Is that what constitutes a pot hole darn sarf? Ours oop north look like sink holes compared to those.

    Looks like first world problems to me and considering the houses go for 500k I can imagine the residents are worried that their tires might get scuffed on the massive 4x4 they use for the school run to go round the corner for little tarquin and porcha.

    Time for a pie butty I think with loads of gravy.

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Operation Horizon

    Jesus, how much do you get paid to come up with such names? More like "Operation ouch". Or "Free Willy"...

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Operation Horizon

      Operation Meatus at the Corner.

    2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Operation Horizon

      "Jesus, how much do you get paid to come up with such names?"

      They probably mean that completion is just over it.

  10. Montreal Sean

    Montreal has potholes with little bits of road around them.

    Here in Montreal we get proper potholes that snap axles.

    Every few weeks during the winter the city sends out patching trucks that drop in some hot asphalt and pat it flat.

    Two days later the pothole is back, only this time it is accompanied by a big chunk of asphalt that cars can knock around.

    Some day maybe the city will wake up and spend the money it needs to fix our crumbling infrastructure. No one should have to worry about pieces of elevated road breaking off and falling on the cars driving below.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Montreal has potholes with little bits of road around them.

      Montreal Sean:

      "this time it is accompanied by a big chunk of asphalt that cars can knock around."

      You should thank the Montreal city government for helping you enjoy Canada's national sport and commute at the same time!! :)

    2. Vic

      Re: Montreal has potholes with little bits of road around them.

      Some day maybe the city will wake up and spend the money it needs to fix our crumbling infrastructure

      Our council seems to have some very strange ideas about fixing roads; they have a minimum depth to qualify as "in need of repair".

      A couple of winters back, a hole appeared round the corner from me. One side of it was deep enough to need repair - you can guess where I'm going with this, right?

      And guess how long it was before the other side became deep enough to warrant a visit?

      Vic.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lucky the village isn't called Feltcham

    1. Richard Barnes

      But the neighbouring village is called Bookham.

      They have a shared police station - Fetcham and Bookham.

      True fact.

      1. Alan Brown Silver badge

        > They have a shared police station - Fetcham and Bookham.

        And the neighbouring town (Leatherhead, 3 times the population of both villages combined) has no police station at all - There's an old fogie internment centre being constructed on the site where it used to exist.

        Not that it matters anyway, even the shared station is closed most of the time.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If they catch him or her...

    Then they're going to be looking down the end of a very stiff sentence!

  13. Anonymous IV

    Ideal use for a 3D printer

    Just clean out the grit from the pothole, do a 3D scan of it, then use a trusty 3D printer to produce an exact-shaped filler in tarmac. Insert in pothole. Job done!

    1. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: Ideal use for a 3D printer

      You may jest, but there _are_ techniques for filling potholes which partially emulate 3d printers.

      This one is impressive : http://gizmodo.com/5895093/this-asphalt-spewing-truck-fixes-potholes-in-a-new-york-minute, but the Jetpatcher is even more so - and the patches stay put. (http://www.jetpatcher.com/)

      http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8529964.stm

      There are a couple in Surrey, but contractors around here seem to rely on being able to continually refill shitty patch jobs. On average a patch seems to last about 4 months before breaking up.

      1. SImon Hobson Silver badge

        Re: Ideal use for a 3D printer

        > http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8529964.stm

        Yay, so they actually made it into production then. I remember one being demoed on Tomorrow's World. For the readers under about 40, that was a popular science program on (BBC) TV many years ago that primarily reported on new technologies.

        On our street a few years ago, it needed resurfacing. But there were one or two bits that weren't too bad. So they left the not too bad bits - with the result that now there are gaps and holes every few feet where the joins were left. Plus more holes all along the sides where they left a join with the old tarmac rather than work to the edge of the road which would have meant some manual work as it's a dry stone wall.

      2. Triggerfish

        Re: Ideal use for a 3D printer

        I'm pretty sure a lot of the patches you see are temp patches which is why they fall apart, I remember them from working burying cable under roads a long while back, they are supposed to come back and do a proper repair even though sometimes it can be a lot more disruptive. That final bit seems to be missing out of the process, nowadays its just patch and that will do..

  14. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    So at some point there will be a document with the title "Project Horizon (Cock Lane)"?

    You can't help some people.

  15. Mitoo Bobsworth
    Happy

    "a semi at 69 Cock Lane"

    Fell off my chair laughing!

  16. frank ly

    A lonely pastime

    "... after spraying their penis images around the Surrey street’s notorious potholes ..."

    He needs to get out more. Oh, ... wait.

  17. Youngdog

    Councils and potholes

    Is it just a hoary old myth that councils wait until the end of a budget cycle before splurging any remaining on these works?

    1. Vic

      Re: Councils and potholes

      Is it just a hoary old myth that councils wait until the end of a budget cycle before splurging any remaining on these works?

      Not entirely.

      Councils have a budget put aside for salting & gritting the roads during the winter. If you have a harsh winter, it gets spent.

      But if the winter is mild, that money is still in the coffers - and if it isn't spent that financial year, the budget for next year will be reduced[1]. So come Easter, money gets spent on other traffic projects...

      Disclosure: I used to work for a company that did its best to get its hands on the salt money. And generally did quite well at it :-)

      Vic.

      [1] I've never understood this line of thinking; if you have a contingency fund, and it doesn't get used, why not just roll it over to the next year? Why do bean counters think that not having to pay it out this year means you'll never have to pay it out ever again?

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: Councils and potholes

        Seen that a few times with councils weirdest bit of financial planning I have ever seen happens across all council departments, also a real bloody good way to waste taxpayers money.

  18. PaulR79

    Stupid decisions

    The front street where I live was an awful mess. It had actual potholes and after years they finally got around to scheduling in a resurfacing date with leaflets asking everyone to not have their cars parked outside that day. Unfortunately they didn't plan for people who did leave their cars outside (assholes) so their solution was to simply do a few large sections and leave one section in the middle with the worst potholes, which includes the area of my house.

    If they had been a bit more aggressive with fines for anyone who held up the work I bet there would have been a fully resurfaced street instead of this mess. Some people are so fucking selfish.

  19. Chris Hunt

    Potholes? Those aren't potholes!

    Looks like a load of bollox to me!

  20. invictamoto

    Can we tell if these are genuine Wanksy's or copycat versions of the famed road graffiti artist's work?

  21. JaitcH
    Happy

    No One But No One Can Beat An "Elephant Nest"

    Up on the Central Highlands of VietNam, where I live in Buon Ma Thuot, DakLak Province, we have "Elephant Nests" - big enough to swallow a car.

    When a small hole in a road gets pounded over a few weeks by 18-wheeler tractor-trailer sets, the holes get really, really, large. And deep.

    Then comes the rain, heavy rain. And so an "Elephant Nests" is born. See: http://static.new.tuoitre.vn/tto/i/s626/2015/10/04/hinh-12-read-only-1443913917.jpg

    To complete the scenario, a wandering group of elephants, the Central Highlands of VietNam is home to thousands of these vegetable-garden marauding animals, happens by and take numerous dips all the time enlarging and deepening the hole.

    As it would likely take a can of spray paint to mark one "Nest", the Vietnamese resort to using tree branches to warn of holes.

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