Firemen free chap's todger from four-ring chokehold Firemen from the Spanish town of Dénia, in Alicante, enjoyed an entertaining shout last week when they were called to remove four steel rings from the base of an unfortunate chap's todger. An unnamed 40-year-old foreigner rolled up at the local hospital in the early hours of Friday morning, unable to extract his member from …
"Couldn't they have just asked him to try to remember the names of the England '66 squad? That should have done the trick."
Far more effective to simply ask the poor bloke to think of Theresa May in full dominatrix gear, which should do the trick in milliseconds.
GAAAH!! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!! GET THE MIND BLEACH!! GET THE MIND BLEACH!!
Far more effective to simply ask the poor bloke to think of Theresa May in full dominatrix gear, which should do the trick in milliseconds.
Ann Widdecombe, Shirley?
*pukes into mouth*
ARRRGHGHGGHHHHHH!!!! PASS THE BRAINBLEACH!!! PASS THE BRAINBLEACH!!! ARRRGHGHGGHHHHHHARRRGHGHHGHGghgrhghrrhgg..............
I cannot cope with the very thought of clicking on this link:
"The year before, the same hospital saw no less than eight firemen attend an eye-watering incident involving a spam javelin, a steel tube and an angle grinder. ®"
An angle grinder? May the Deity help us all!
>I guess none of the nurses were willing to try a little castor oil and some gentle tugging?
Hard to say. I'm guessing that the firefighters felt entitled, being the first responders. And, really, would you expect them to hand the job over to the nurse(s) when they were pretty much guaranteed to get something--a good story, at the very least--out of it?
WARNING: VERY NSFW!!
If you *really* want to know...
(The 5th ring has a 2" internal diameter, so probably would be easily removable)
There a few comments here along the lines of "Why not just make it shrink?"
In normal operation, turning off the pump is sufficient to reduce the pressure, since the blood will escape back into the rest of the body. Unfortunately in this case, the rings block the return path*. The patient would have been de-stimulated by the time he called for assistance - the pump had long been turned off - so another approach was required.
*That is the whole point of cock-ring, I've been led to believe - though I'm no expert on sticking my extremities into unsuitable apertures. I'm not an expert on sticking my face into a pan of boiling oil either, but my take on it remains the same: Just don't do it.
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@TRT
>Any self-respecting leach would, of course, refuse to put their mouth parts anywhere near the pervs prives.
You can believe that if you want to to, but if you go skinny dipping in a swamp and find a limp dangly thing clung to your limp dangly thing - please do share with us here at the Reg!
"skank-o-matic"
excuse me, but "skank-o-matic" is a copyright term for a percussion synthesiser sequencing system in the black skank music idiom.
"Skank" is itself a descriptive term based on the words "ska" and "wank" and is felt to accurately describe the genre
"Unfortunately in this case, the rings block the return path"
Low flow priapism by any cause for more than four hours is a medical emergency. Deprived of oxygen the cells start to die - leading to permanent damage.
http://www.everydayhealth.com/erectile-dysfunction/whats-wrong-with-long-lasting-erections.aspx
>Low flow priapism by any cause for more than four hours is a medical emergency. Deprived of oxygen the cells start to die
Again, just don't do it. Also, before any of you ask, a 'kiss of life' will not help oxygenate the cells.
(Although there is a joke in which a male patient, who has been instructed to relive pressure in those parts through manual manipulation, looks over to the next cubicle and sees the silhouette of a nurses head bobbing up and down over its occupant: "What about him?!" he asks.
"Oh, he's on BUPA" replies the Doc. )
[Edit: For the benefit of non-UK readers, BUPA is a brand of private healthcare available in the UK, as opposed to our free-at-the-point-of-treatment National Health Service]
I'm terribly sorry but we have had 3 people with heart attacks, 2 with suspected bleeds on the brain and a stabbing.
You will have to sit there, and WAIT, quietly, whilst we deal with the REAL emergencies you sad, pathetic thrill seeking little cock-fruit.
*Oh, it may startt to turn black, sadly there wont be any additional size increase with that.
*debunked myth, added for comic effect.
"*debunked myth, added for comic effect."
Is it? Republic of Congo apparently tops the world average at 7.1"
UK 5.5"
Australia 5.2"
USA 5.1" (Presumably excluding Texas?)
http://metro.co.uk/2015/02/28/want-to-know-which-country-has-the-biggest-penises-in-the-world-5083922/
FAO down voters:
The next time you are rushed into hospital because either yourself, friend, family etc need immediate and live saving medical care and you hear this coming from down a corridor "i'll tek the fuggin lorra you's on ya bastards" and some pissed up fuck wit is causing a scene which prevents your family member, friend, etc from being treated, remember this little tale...
Idiots who self inflict either through drink, drugs or just being fucking idiots do NOT deserve first line care. Fuck em and let em wait.
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Idiots who self inflict either through ski-ing, hang gliding or <insert recreational activity of choice here> do NOT deserve first line care. Fuck em and let em wait.
FTFY. Can you see the problem with your idea? Luckily doctors and nurses treat everyone as equally deserving of care.
It would appear you seem to consider skiers, hang glider-ists as idiots. I do not. I consider muppets who go out on a Saturday night, end up in a drunken brawl or decide to play chicken with cars as idiots.
Accidents are exactly that, unforeseen happenings. Getting pissed up is something you can easily avoid.
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bar stools on one of his yachts clothed in sperm whale foreskin.
The penis bone of some aquatic mammals (yes, they have "bones", literally) have all sorts of uses. Seems they make good knife handles since they won't get too slippery if you're using it to butcher an animal.
"Not only aquatic mammals: dogs have a penis bone too:"
As do most primates - although the size is not necessarily proportional to the normal size of the body in a species. Only humans and spider monkeys don't. IIRC there have been human cases of them - as a DNA quirk can sometimes express an evolutionary regressed feature.
According to this page whales and dolphins are also boneless.
http://mentalfloss.com/article/69282/8-hard-facts-about-penis-bone
As Richard Herring points out in his talk on the subject, the answer is to get ones made of an elastomer, so that you will not waste the time of your local A&E.
There are self inflicted injuries for which I think the NHS should make a charge, but it might be a brave politician who authorised the little handbook which advised what they were, and how they could be prevented by a little common sense.
>get ones made of an elastomer
Wouldn't it make more sense to make them pneumatic/inflatable?
And in a year or two, bring out the 2G model which adds some elastomer to make it look a bit more... organic. And a year or two after that, a bit more, and some smarts/programmability, to the 3G model, to make it more... functional? And a year after that, ...
wouldn't life be so much simpler if we were like dogs and dolphins and had a baculum bone in our penises?
No erectile dysfunction, no brewers droop so no need for cock rings or viagra.
Sex would be available instantly with no need for foreplay, even for the geriatric. Only downside would be an increase in the need for emergency heart defribulators
" and dolphins"
Apparently dolphins don't have penile bones - nor do whales.
A gorilla does have one - as do most primates - but it is only a few millimetres long. Whereas a dog has about 75mm (3 inches). The fossilised penile bone of a walrus was four and a half feet long (1.4m).
http://mentalfloss.com/article/69282/8-hard-facts-about-penis-bone
Is there a web forum you would recommend where I can go and peruse images of todgers caught in domestic appliances, cause all that techno-waffle on here makes it difficult to find the good stuff.
google on 'todger + Lester Haines' site:theregister.com: results about 776
Omar Smith
you may be able to sate your interest with the photos at
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-476560/Dwarf-rushed-hospital-gluing-penis-hoover.html
"As part of the spectacle, the dwarf pulls a Henry vacuum cleaner across the show attached to his penis........
"But a special attachment connecting the 42-year-old to the appliance came loose.
He decided to fix the broken apparatus with extra strong glue, but he left it to dry for only 20 seconds, instead of 20 minutes.
This meant when he connected himself to the vacuum cleaner, the glue was not yet dry, and his penis was immediately stuck fast.............
"He was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where, he said, nurses struggled for an hour to free him."
In the TV movie of this series from 1986, this is what happened to the man in the bath.
"Blue Watch are called to rescue a 'trapped' man, but to their amusement it turns out he has trapped his private parts in a curtain ring. Josie resolves the situation by suggesting he use ice to reduce his 'swelling'."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_London%27s_Burning_episodes#The_TV_Movie_.281986.29
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