back to article BOFH: I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please

"Why does it always have to be so difficult with you guys?" the new Boss asks. "What do you mean?" the PFY says. "Difficult. Why is it that whenever we have some suggestion and take it to you, you spend all your time thinking of reasons why you can't do it – or why we shouldn't do it – or something like that. Why can't you …

  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    One can only wonder

    Why the pub doesn't open before 11 AM.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

      Re: One can only wonder

      Some do, although for the alternative sustenance of coffee and bacon (plus other minor miscellaneous background stuff).

    2. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: One can only wonder

      Strictly speaking the 11am opening is just tradition held over from before the Licensing Act 2003, before that act pubs were restricted to opening between 11:00-23:00.

      Of course the real reason is that people who work in pubs were up until well past 11pm last night because you were still sat there well after last orders had been called you insensitive bastard you, so they need the lie-in until 10.

      1. Montreal Sean

        Re: One can only wonder

        23:00 closing time? Ouch.

        Pubs here are open until 01:00 or 02:00 during the week, and until 03:00 on Friday and Saturday.

        The convenience stores have to stop selling alcohol at 23:00 though...

        1. sisk

          Re: One can only wonder

          The convenience stores have to stop selling alcohol at 23:00 though...

          Seriously? Even here in the Bible belt convenience stores can sell what little alcohol they're allowed to sell (3.2% max) till midnight.

    3. Huw D

      Re: One can only wonder

      There's no Wetherspoons nearby?

    4. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: One can only wonder

      Why the pub doesn't open before 11 AM.

      Originally because WW1 workers in munitions factories used to roll up in the morning still drunk, and blow themselves up. Licensing laws were brought in to get them to work sober. Spoilsports :)

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        Re: One can only wonder

        Licensing laws were brought in to get them to work sober.

        Yes. And Quality Control was brought to make sure stuff only blew up OUTSIDE the factory once delivered to the customer. Thus were Gartner-level types born...

    5. The Count

      Re: One can only wonder

      Poor Brits. In America the pub opens at 6am (unless your in Oregon then its 7am). Capitalism has gotta make all the money possible ya know.

      1. Andy Davies

        Re: One can only wonder

        .... and remind me - how old do you have to be to buy alcohol in the various United States of America?

        1. sisk

          Re: One can only wonder

          .... and remind me - how old do you have to be to buy alcohol in the various United States of America?

          21 in all 50 states. There was some talk about pushing a federal drinking age of 24 earlier this year, but I don't think the feds actually have the Constitutional power to do that. Not that that's ever stopped them.

      2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Re: One can only wonder

        "In America the pub opens at 6am "

        "Capitalism has gotta make all the money possible ya know."

        Yeah but you have to be middle aged to be allowed in - you're losing a lot of profit there...

      3. sisk

        Re: One can only wonder

        Poor Brits. In America the pub opens at 6am

        What part of America are you in? Around here a few open around 11 for lunch and the rest open sometime between noon and five. At least one (the one nearest to my house) doesn't open until 6pm, just before the second-shifters at the local beef packing plant start rolling out.

        Not that I'd ever suggest that there's a connection between when the biggest employer in the area schedules their largest shift to get off and when the bars open.

      4. schafdog

        Re: One can only wonder

        Pour Americans. In Denmark night bars opens before the regular one closes around 2-3am. The morning bars then takes over until the day bars (typically called brown bars/bodegas) begins and runs until the regular ones takes over for the early night. See, Socialism works.

        1. Lord_Beavis

          Re: One can only wonder @schafdog

          Me thinks you need the alcoholism to tolerate the Socialism.

          (Pour Americans... I see what you did there.)

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: One can only wonder

      It was good, but it needed to be better, stronger and with more casualties.....

      1. Giraffe67

        Re: One can only wonder

        I foresee three customers lined up for window renovations or brief elevator rides already. Perhaps Simon wants us to use our imaginations or perhaps he is preparing for a mass slaughter in the next episode(s).

        One can only wait and see (hope?).

    7. Ron Christian

      Re: One can only wonder

      There would be less bloodshed, maybe.

    8. The Count

      Re: One can only wonder

      In San Jose, California the pubs open at 6am. A much more respectable hour.

  2. Chris Miller

    "Citius, Altius, Fortius"

    Sounds like the BOFH can at least manage Altius.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Good stuff!! Just what you need on a friday.

  4. Robert Helpmann??

    Good Idea

    There is snow coming and we are being sent on our merry way earlier than normal. I think I will implement at least the happy ending part of this story right now.

    1. BebopWeBop

      Re: Good Idea

      Well at the moment, with the b*star*ds providing me with a fibre link in the middle of nowhere, that's a short tottle to the fridge. I do need to go out of the office though and traverse 30 meters of open horror, the horror, the horror...

  5. chivo243 Silver badge

    It's new

    Pint Maths! Beats the old maths...

  6. Maverick

    Pint maths - excellent idea, implementation starting 5-4-3-2-1

    1. Martin Budden Silver badge



  7. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

    Ah the old division

    Those who have the visionary dreams versus those who have the nightmares of realisation and implementation.

    Almost as bad as those who make the promises to customers versus those who have to actually try and fulfil them.

    A gem, even before we got to beer maths...

    1. skeptical i

      Re: Ah the old division

      Maybe that's why I leave the "big picture" to someone else, any "big idea" I have is immediately followed by "and how, exactly, would you do this and what would it actually achieve?" There should be a law that all marketing/ management/ soi-disant "visionaries" should have to do some years' time trying to make other people's crackpot ideas work before they start spewing their own rainbows- and- lollipops "concepts". (And, in fairness, there are some who worked in the trenches before rising to the pretty office and have a grasp on the nuts and bolts needed to get from A to B.)

      1. earl grey

        Re: Ah the old division

        the problem is they are spewing the "rainbows- and- lollipops" out their derrieres.

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

          Re: Ah the old division

          I also have "vision" but I don't sell it because once I get out of my daze and the shower, it becomes clear that there is a singular lack of usefulness in "vision".

    2. Marshalltown

      Re: Vision

      Heh, the first fellow that hired me out of college told me he "had vision." Never, ever let someone with "vision" but no sense explain things.

  8. Evil Auditor

    Once again I wonder whether Simon gets his inspiration from the place here. Not only do they have great ideas with the feasibility of manned space travel to the moon for £5 per capita, but also utter all day -and night for that matter- the thinnest and stinkiest oral diarrhoea you can imagine. (Btw, also nightly because apparently due to extensive mental masturbation during the day, they won't have the time to write their dumbest e-mails until 2.30 a.m.)

    And when you actually want to invest to greatly improve the efficiency of their processes, which had been in place since the dawn of dinosaurs, and lead to considerable savings, they decline because apparently they need to cut costs and hence can't invest anything. Unfortunately they still have quite some funds (besides loads of money already wasted), which will keep them going for years to come. Can hardly wait to see them drown though...

    But for now I'll drown it - it's pub o'clock.

  9. scrubber

    Contrary to government opinion*... seems like there is no safe level of non-drinking.

    * Propaganda/lies/excuse to tell you how to live your life.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge

      Re: Contrary to government opinion*...

      You don't live any longer, it just seems like it as Friday afternoons crawl along if beer o'clock is removed.

    2. MonkeyCee

      Re: Contrary to government opinion*...

      There's a definite risk to life, limb and property if the BOFHs of the world don't engage in the correct level of drinking.

  10. deadlockvictim Silver badge

    faster and better

    I would have thought that the simple answer to the demand that the Internet be made faster and better is to say 'sure' and send boss on his way. Then send said boss an official report two days' later stating the Internet has been made faster and better. It's in a report, so it must be true.

    The two of them should start work on the Pinternet. A similar project but it involves measuring throughput in order to get more delivered and of a better quality. It may involve some out-of-house research nearby though in order to, em, validate the results.

  11. wyatt

    I. Just. Want. A. Pint. But am on call so can't. Sob.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon

      Why not?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I worked as a security guard in university. Days off were only guaranteed after the first drink.

    2. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

      In a previous job it was perfectly fine to pop round to the bar next door, order a few and bring the glasses back later.

      Ended on one favourable day sampling enough booze to require desk support... Still cashed up perfectly balanced at the end of the shift (well it was a liquor merchants.....)

  12. Michael H.F. Wilkinson

    Nice one!

    And now it's beer o'clock!

  13. Florida1920
    Thumb Up

    Binge drinking and intimations of violence

    On BOFH day, reading the Reg is better than watching a Nick Nolte movie.

  14. Peter Simpson 1

    Why can't you JUST ONCE say 'sure' and do what we bloody ask?

    Sometimes I feel the same way about management.

    // can you order a cheaper meter/scope/whatever?

    /// yes, but this is the one I think is the best one to buy, that's why I asked you to authorize it.

  15. Mystic Megabyte


    Due to interruptions, misinformation and other reasons I only just started updating the workstations on a boat. (The charts) I've never done this before and did not realise how slow it would be,. 6 x 20 minutes and it won't finish until 5pm. Whoever wrote this software was mad, it says "updating xxx of yyy" but yyy keeps increasing :(

    Need beer!

  16. This post has been deleted by its author

  17. earl grey

    i laughed out loud

    that deserves a reward.

  18. Anonymous IV

    Nicely worded

    ...some slimy toe rag from HR (who's no doubt taken a break from making some single-income people redundant)...

    1. werdsmith Silver badge

      Re: Nicely worded

      The slimy toe rags have just drawn up the paperwork and sent the letters.

      The decisions about which Christmases to wreck come from incompetent upper management trying to protect their lot.

  19. BebopWeBop

    The pint maths

    arithmetic here I think, although complex maths do need to be applied to the time distortion such simple concepts seem to induce.

  20. Alistair

    BOFH ... Hmmmm....

    Friday, yes it is!

    "ignoring the HR guy with a tiny slash in the pant leg of his expensive shiny suit."

    Do I see a part 2?

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Part 2?

      Is that what they call it these days?

  21. RoboticRabbit

    I've often wondered why IT personnel aren't implicated in more ritual killings.

    1. calmeilles

      We always know somewhere to stash the bodies.

  22. Maty

    Well, we now have a better idea of where Simon lives - anyone who has played booze roulette on the underground and ended up trying to take a cab home will know that 'Sorry guv,' but cabbies 'can't take you sarf of the rivah.'

    Uber is Karma.

  23. David Roberts

    Forgot one thing

    This timeless management bullshit used to include advice to "work smarter not harder".

    On its own, full justification for a ritual slaying.

  24. Efros

    Pint Maths

    Following a late swot session at Uni me and a mate found ourselves in the unenviable position of having precisely 1 hour and 15 minutes to get to the only pub on campus and get suitably slaughtered. 1 hour 15 minutes later... mission accomplished. 8 pints of Belhaven 80/- consumed in an hour (the pub was a bit of a walk from the halls), the stagger back to the halls took considerably longer as our bodies tried to cope with the huge influx of liquid and alcohol. My mate attempted and failed to bomb one of the swans from the bridge with the remains of his 8th pint. Waster!

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Re: Pint Maths


      So young and yet so drunk!

      1. Efros

        Re: Pint Maths

        Imbibo ergo sum!

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: Pint Maths

          Swans can break you arm with one flap of a wing, you know...

          1. Efros

            Re: Pint Maths

            Not when you're 20 feet above them.

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Re: Pint Maths

              And I counter your altitudinous advantage with "You are aware that they can fly? They're birds."

  25. Valarian

    New Keyboard Required

    This one seems to have coffee in it.

    "...words like that don't even have an interrupt level when it comes to pint maths..."

  26. zaax

    In Spain the bar closed when the last person leaves and opens when the first person arrives. Which can get complicated if first person arrives before the last person has left.

    1. DropBear

      Just mumble something about the place not being re-entrant and throw the newcomer out...

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

        As long as the pissoir is multi-threading....

  27. Mint Sauce

    Pint Maths

    Sound like it's probably related to, or a subset of Bistromathics... :)

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Pint Maths

      Or the Holly-Hops drive...

  28. Firefox

    What happened to the subtlety?

    You know how you shouldn't write emails when you are angry... ...did someone upset you before you wrote this one?

  29. MrWibble

    ""Meaning someone will rock in here and say something like they want us to 'make the website better'," said the PFY."

    AS someone with a list of 20+ improvement suggestions from Operations, most along the lines of "make it better", this rings true a rather large bell for me at the moment...

  30. Jeff Lewis

    Ok... I'm stuck over on the far west coast of Canada.. so pardon my ignorance.. but what the heck is a "PFY"?

    1. Oengus

      "PFY" = Pimply Faced Youth.

      The young upcoming trainee destined to take over the role of the BOFH (when he is ready to retire).

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      BOFH = Beating Off For Hours, in case you didn't know that, either.

  31. Martin Budden Silver badge

    Pint Maths

    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After a few orders the bartender pours two beers and says, “you fellas ought to know your limits.”

  32. Crisp

    Really, I just want a Friday pint.

    Isn't that really all that any of us really want?

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